I don't like to set boundaries in relationships. Why do you set boundaries?

[assx95]

I love this one girl just the way she is. And she's not responded to my text and it's been two weeks. I sometimes cry and it hurts but I'm able to empathize with what makes her not respond. She wants a kind of infinite freedom and I want an intimate relationship. It is hard for those two values to reconcile. 

As someone who was needy, and I probably still am, the hardest thing for me to do was to let her be. To let her not respond, and to not manipulate her by sending text after text. 

I have only begun to love myself, but I have no self-respect, it doesn't strike me as something valuable to have. I'll welcome her back into my life when and if she wants to. But i am unsure of what to do of my own desires to be with her. Expressing myself completely, out of self-love would undermine the kind of Infinite freedom I intend to give her. 

The only reasonable boundary, and i think this borders on the concept of self-respect, is that if she starts seeing another guy, i'm never texting her again. That's where it hurts most I think, that she might choose to completely undermine what I want. 

I contradicted myself several times here. I can't help but do that. 

[Raptorsin7]

@assx95 Focus on developing yourself. It's going to be hard to just develop over night into the kind of person who wouldn't accept this kind of unhealthy relationship. But if you focus on improving your own life, internally, then you will notice the rest of your life will fall into place in a way that doesn't cause you suffering. You clearly recognize that your situation is toxic. Go 1 step at a time and work on all relevant parts of your life that led you to this toxic situation.

[Emerald]

@assx95 This is a really good video about this dynamic.

Also, you may want to look into some videos about co-dependency... which is where someone is willing to sacrifice all their boundaries for the other person in order to keep them there and try to get love. And it comes from a lack of self-love ultimately.

 

[Preety_India]

 

She is not hurting you in any way. She is just minding her own business. You are on the other hand being extremely needy like to a hundred million times needy. This will easily drive her away a million miles away because extreme neediness stinks like rotten eggs.

You're being manipulative in your relationship. You say that you want to give her infinite freedom but in reality you want to control her every bit. A time will come when she will be totally fed up and frustrated and just never talk to you again. This happened to me with my needy second ex boyfriend. He was very needy and he used to send me text after text. I assumed it was his need to feel loved but soon I began to realise that it's really not neediness but total control guised as neediness. 

I finally gave up and broke up with him and never called or texted him again ever. 

It was just too much. He was calling me and texting me even when I was calling my bank for something urgent .

It's not love..you confuse it as love. Love means caring for that person which means caring for their needs. 

And if you cannot love her then stop thinking that you have to act needy. 

Ask yourself the question, "does she need my neediness?" The answer is obviously no. 

Whatever you're doing is coming from your selfishness and selfishness in a relationship is like a heap of garbage that nobody wants to deal with. 

 

[assx95]

3 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

She is not hurting you in any way. She is just minding her own business. You are on the other hand being extremely needy like to a hundred million times needy. This will easily drive her away a million miles away because extreme neediness stinks like rotten eggs.

You're being manipulative in your relationship. You say that you want to give her infinite freedom but in reality you want to control her every bit. A time will come when she will be totally fed up and frustrated and just never talk to you again. This happened to me with my needy second ex boyfriend. He was very needy and he used to send me text after text. I assumed it was his need to feel loved but soon I began to realise that it's really not neediness but total control guised as neediness. 

I finally gave up and broke up with him and never called or texted him again ever. 

It was just too much. He was calling me and texting me even when I was calling my bank for something urgent .

It's not love..you confuse it as love. Love means caring for that person which means caring for their needs. 

And if you cannot love her then stop thinking that you have to act needy. 

Ask yourself the question, "does she need my neediness?" The answer is obviously no. 

Whatever you're doing is coming from your selfishness and selfishness in a relationship is like a heap of garbage that nobody wants to deal with. 

Ok. 

So do I sacrifice my own desires and not express myself? 

[Preety_India]

Just now, assx95 said:

Ok. 

So do I sacrifice my own desires and not express myself? 

Not to her detriment. 

If you express once it's more than enough. You don't have to text a million times to express yourself. 

If she doesn't respond, either let her have her own space and time as much as she wants or if she is not interested then leave her be. It's her happiness which is important if you really love her. 

You're not sacrificing anything by giving her space. She is not even married to you and you're already talking about sacrifice. 

You didn't sacrifice anything. If you don't like her just leave her. If you like her, then learn to be patient. 

You can't have your cake and eat it too. 

You can't say that you love her and also not give her space. 

My ex was ridiculous. I broke up with him and even after 6 months post breakup he was still calling and texting me. Like he doesn't know that I have broken up ? I mean seriously just get realistic, don't play games. 

If she has given you a signal that she doesn't like you, move on. 

By constantly asserting yourself in the relationship, you are only creating more vaccum not love. 

[assx95]

8 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Not to her detriment. 

If you express once it's more than enough. You don't have to text a million times to express yourself. 

If she doesn't respond, either let her have her own space and time as much as she wants or if she is not interested then leave her be. It's her happiness which is important if you really love her. 

You're not sacrificing anything by giving her space. She is not even married to you and you're already talking about sacrifice. 

You didn't sacrifice anything. If you don't like her just leave her. If you like her, then learn to be patient. 

You can't have your cake and eat it too. 

You can't say that you love her and also not give her space. 

My ex was ridiculous. I broke up with him and even after 6 months post breakup he was still calling and texting me. Like he doesn't know that I have broken up ? I mean seriously just get realistic, don't play games. 

If she has given you a signal that she doesn't like you, move on. 

By constantly asserting yourself in the relationship, you are only creating more vaccum not love.

I understand. 

[assx95]

31 minutes ago, Emerald said:

Also, you may want to look into some videos about co-dependency... which is where someone is willing to sacrifice all their boundaries for the other person in order to keep them there and try to get love. And it comes from a lack of self-love ultimately.

Yeah, Teal swan is relatable. 

 

[Leo Gura]

@assx95 Dude, if a girl does not respond to your text within 24hrs, she is gone. She doesn't even know you exist. Move on.

A girl who is attracted to you will respond to texts within minutes or hours at most.

You cannot attract girls via text. If she's not responsive it's because you failed to build attraction in person and nothing can be done to overcome that.

You must reach hook-point in person in order to get responsive texts. Try harder to reach hook-point. It's very noticable when you do. Usually happens within 5-10 mins. You will feel her get enthusiastic about you. She will look in your eyes and be very interested in what you have to say. She will be eager to follow your lead.

Do not spend any time thinking about girls who haven't hooked. It will only bring you misery.

[Parththakkar12]

@assx95 Dump her!! She's not worth your time. There's a lot of people out there who genuinely want a committed relationship. She doesn't want a committed relationship, as much as she may bullshit you that she does (To be a good person or whatever)! She is hurting you emotionally (unlike what @Preety_India is saying). We're not an independent species, we're a relationally dependent species. Avoidance, silent treatment is emotional abuse, which you're letting her do to you cuz you're not stating your boundaries. Now I'm not saying she's an evil person, but we treat our intimate partners the way our parents treated us when we were little (this may be something to understand about her).

It's important for you to look into why you're attracted to unavailable people and work with that pattern. I'd suggest inner-child work. Also, being more assertive with your boundaries is critical.

[Parththakkar12]

Also, don't let 'independent people' gaslight you into believing that independence and 'having your space' is healthy in the long run. The fundamental reason we want space is cuz we're afraid of losing our boundaries! The reason is fear-based, not natural.

There's nothing wrong with you for being 'needy' or having emotional needs. Even desperation is technically okay. It doesn't make you weak! It will only repel avoidant people cuz they'll be scared of losing their boundaries with someone who's desperate, but you don't want to be with such a person anyways! You want to be with someone who accepts you for who you are. Demonization of 'neediness', 'desperation', etc. is a product of our independence-obsessed avoidant cultures.

Edited December 11, 2019 by Parththakkar12

[assx95]

@Parththakkar12 @Leo Gura Thanks for the Insight. 

[Hello from Russia]

You need to set boundaries to experience boundless love. The love without boundaries includes boundaries as if it would have them it wouldn't be a true boundless love

[assx95]

1 hour ago, Hello from Russia said:

You need to set boundaries to experience boundless love. The love without boundaries includes boundaries as if it would have them it wouldn't be a true boundless love

I don't understand. 

[Hello from Russia]

6 minutes ago, assx95 said:

I don't understand. 

You should look at boundaries as an extension of your absolute\non-conditional love not as a restriction. Restrictions are egoic. Extensions have the property of your God-Self. You should put your boundaries lovingly and with mutual respect towards yourself, her and the world.

it is pretty advanced shit, though. But you can't really expect extraordinary results if you cognize stuff from a dualistic black&white perspective. Being rigid and black&white in a thing as fluid as human relationships leads to results of the same nature. You get what you put in.

[Hello from Russia]

3 hours ago, assx95 said:

I don't understand. 

Speaking more practically, from what I've read on your post, you definetely lack the respect and love for yourself and for the world and put too much emphasize on the love for her (or for vagina). Of course, it puts her Off, because from her PoV you look like a man with no substance and who has addiction to pussy. Why would you date someone only because he is addicted to your vagina? Would you like a long-term female partner who is addicted to your genitals but she is very bleak and wants to bring nothing positive to the world? Probably not. GIrls generally look more for life-partners rather than just hookup and If they don't feel that potential off of you, they won't be attracted. Unless they have very low self-esteem which you probably don't want to deal with anyways.

Love the world and yourself first, then women will come effortlessly. It is like the natural law of our universe

Edited December 11, 2019 by Hello from Russia

[assx95]

6 minutes ago, Hello from Russia said:

Speaking more practically, from what I've read on your post, you definetely lack the respect and love for yourself and for the world and put too much emphasize on the love for her (or for vagina). Of course, it puts her Off, because from her PoV you look like a man with no substance and who has addiction to pussy. Why would you date someone only because he is addicted to your vagina? Would you like a long-term female partner who is addicted to your genitals but she is very bleak and wants to bring nothing positive to the world? Probably not. GIrls generally look more for life-partners rather than just hookup If they don't feel that potential off of you, they won't be attracted. Unless they have very low self-esteem which you probably don't want to deal with anyways.

Love the world and yourself first, then women will come effortlessly. It is like the natural law of our universe

I will look into this. Thanks. 

[Elisabeth]

@assx95 Boundaries is something you set for yourself to follow (as you correctly did in "if she's seeing another guy, I'm not texting her again") to protect yourself from harm. Emotional hurt is also harm - and to keep loving someone who doesn't love you too usually hurts. So a boundary would be to do yourself a favor and let the thoughts and feelings go, gently, but as soon as possible. 

[assx95]

@Elisabeth That puts everything in perspective, thanks. 

[Elisabeth]

Just now, assx95 said:

@Elisabeth That puts everything in perspective, thanks. 

You're welcome.