Hard time dealing with some kind of awakening

[Dobi]

Hello,

About 1 month ago, my girlfriend and I had an LSD trip, quite a low dose (125 micro-g). But this time it got really far.

While we were lying down in bed (+- @ T+3h), I totally passed out from this reality for some minutes. (I totally understood how karma “works”, how everything has a consequence and so on, how consequences are “formed”.)

Then, some minutes later I came back, a little panicky.
I looked at my girlfriend an I saw myself in here. I told here “you are me and I am you”. I often had some kind of this feeling, but this time it was much different, this time it felt that the whole “reality” had “collapsed”.
I asked her for a hug, and we hugged. It felt strange (for both of us), it was like hugging some kind of “nothingness”. Like that the only thing which exists would be nothing more than some “line”, the line which represents the separation between my inner world and my outer world, the rest all an illusion.
This time I totally felt the meaningless of everything, that it’s no point in hugging someone, no point in having sex, no point in drinking water, no point in doing what so ever. That I was never born, that there are no parents, that there is only me.

I talked to here, she felt the same. What now became really strange, after this I totally knew how she would move, what she would reply to my questions. Again, she had the same impression. We came to a moment when it felt that we both were talking exactly the same thing (like a mirror) to each other. It felt like all of “realty” had collapsed.
I started to panic a little more. I had the feeling that now because I have “understood it all” it will stay this way, I wanted my “limitations” & “separation” back.

After some time, the boundaries started to come back, somehow, I felt like I’m going totally crazy.
I told my girlfriend that I want to take a benzo to come down, even if I know that it doesn’t change what I’ve seen (I was 100% sure it wouldn't change anything at all, even my girlfriend was like “you can take some but it will not change anything at all, we now have seen what ‘is’, and nothing can change this”.). Ok, I took a benzo, it didn’t change anything, it just took some of the fear away.

(1 week later I took about 12mg 5-MEO-DMT, it showed me “unconditional love”, some kind of a “orgasmic feeling” in the whole body for about 30 minutes. I again knew everything is “ok”,)

Now, some weeks after the trip I became a little more “normal” again. I still remember what I’ve see, but I don’t feel it so much anymore. I still know that everything “was” one, but don’t feel it all the time.
What I find really strange after this experience I think “reality” has changed somehow. There are strange synchronicities happening to my girlfriend and me. We see more “instant-karma” happening, in such moments we feel quite deeply again what we felt during the trip.

We still have problems integrating this experience.
She fears that there is “something bigger” having control over her (like she’s a “brain in a box”).
My ego has problems integrating that I’m somehow “all alone” and I’m asking myself what this “reality” is.
If there is just my perspective and the dualities are “inner world, outer world”.
Or that those people around me are “people like me”. (My ego would prefer the second one.)

(Yes, it’s somehow “funny” writing about this here, feeling that it’s quite possible that everything is one/me.)

Maybe some of you had some equally “extreme” experiences. How have you positively integrated some of this?

Right now I’m contemplating if I have to go deeper, if I need some time or if I should stop.
I feel attracted by the search for the “Truth”, but I also have a lot of fear about what can happen (what I can “see”).

Greetings,
C.

Edited December 10, 2019 by Dobi

[Leo Gura]

You're in a place of confusion because you've only licked the surface of what awakening is. A lot more trips and a lot more contemplation is required to make sense of your trips and come to peace with them.

Be careful with how the ego-mind tries to interpret awakening experiences.

If you watch my video: The Many Facets Of Awakening, it can help you make sense of your experiences.

[Nahm]

Daily morning meditation. Let the thoughts about the past experience go. See what’s here instead. Create the life you want. ♥️

[allislove]

Thanks for sharing. 


> “unconditional love”, some kind of a “orgasmic feeling” in the whole body.

I can relate to this. That was mind-blowing, I was so grateful when ego "returned back". Like: I am still alive, wooohooo.

> I looked at my girlfriend an I saw myself in here.

I had similar experience on my first acid. I was peeing into toilet and it felt like I am peeing into myself, like toilet just sucks from my body. Like: what a fuck, it's all me.

> This time I totally felt the meaningless of everything,

On my second or third acid I had a glimpse of Oneness for a few minutes but with that came Freedom. Like: I am one here, so I can do whatever fuck I want, nobody cares, because it's all me.


Can it be you are going too fast? What about making longer breaks between psychedelic sessions? Do what feels good for you.

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." If you feel bad, try to deep breath, ground yourself in the current moment, zoom out, observe your thoughts, feel your feelings, relax. 

[Dobi]

Hello @Leo Gura, @Nahm and @dimitri thank you for your feedback. :-)

Yes, I've seen that video, I'll take a look at it for a second time. I have watched about 95% of all your videos from the last 3 years, those helped me a lot during my path. Thank you!
(Also Huxley's "The Perennial Philosophy" helped me to find my way back from feeling lost sometime ago.)

Actually this is quit a big "problem" at the moment, I know that all those experiences are filtered by the lens of the ego-mind.
A lot of interpretation starts to come in, to question everything (not always in a good way), to add some ideas to the experience (what's going on behind the scenes).

I don't know how "real" those "personality types" are (I like a lot of Carl Jung's ideas and think they are valuable), after some research I'm quite sure I'm an "ENTP".
On my path to enlightenment, I now also think about what the properties of my type are and try to add this to my interpretation.
I think this helps a little to reduce the impact of the ego-mind.

Greetings,
C.

Edited December 10, 2019 by Dobi

[Dobi]

@dimitri

"There is nothing to fear but fear itself." That was the same my girlfriend told me before I took the benzo.

That might be a problem that I want to go to fast to far at the moment.
Before, I paused for about 1 & 1/2 years with psychedelics.
One month ago I had about 1 trip a week for about 2 month. Most of them where positive and helping.
Most of them 5-MEO-DMT (10-20mg) an 4-HO-MIPT (15-20mg), maybe I should stay with those, I never was the LSD-type or maybe I should "revisit" this kind of places.
 

Edited December 10, 2019 by Dobi

[Nahm]

@Dobi 

Can you communicate the “big problem”, without referencing thoughts of the past? 

Maybe ‘big problem’ is “the big problem”, and maybe it’s just a thought...shapeless, size-less, non-local, always coming, always going...allowing for this ineffable experience of living, and choosing. 

We’re in an intellectual era.

We’re not intellectuals. 

The world often suggests thinking resolves thinking. 

The world’s made of love.

 

[Dobi]

@Nahm
No, without any reference to the past there is no "problem".
Without the past there is no past experience.
Without past experiences there is no interpretation.
Without interpretation, there is no problem.

Intellectually I get a lot of this, but really feeling it is different.
There are days/hours I feel it, there are others when I don't.

Without taking anything at all, 3 weeks ago, I was totally relaxed it my mind, it felt like "my" body was moving by it's own, doing some stuff, without me telling it to, I was more like an observer. This feeling was there for about 1-2 minutes. When "I" realized what just happened, I just started laughing and saying "OMG".
Than about 3-4 hours later I couldn't feel anything of this anymore. Than there was just a memory of this left.

Till that day I had some moments when I felt that sth. is different but still from my ego-perspective.

Edited December 10, 2019 by Dobi

[Nahm]

@Dobi

This comes to mind...imagine an upright heart shaped balloon filled with helium, below a dozen soft blankets. Warm comforting blankets being held in place in an unseen, unknown fashion, yet being held in place, just so - just for you. All in place ever so perfectly, so that you can experience this, this letting go of the blankets, and the discoveries along the metadventure, the rising, of this balloon. 

Any blanket scrutinized enough, disappears, and the balloon floats a bit higher as the true source of the warmth & comfort is known. There is nothing you can do to make this balloon float, as that’s just the nature of helium. You didn’t invent helium, it’s just found, always rising just below the surface of the seen. 

You can let go of the blankets.  

Any wanting, any genuine, true for you wanting from all that you have experience and all that you have become - when expressed... pumps a bit more helium into that balloon, and that balloon begins to illuminate a path, a way. 

That balloon is always where you left it, always in momentum, Always ready to rise, always ready to float. The good feeling thoughts of today, what is possible, your infinite worth, your absolute deserved-ness - this thrill of your adventure, this manifestation of your life’s dream...naturally floating, effortlessly, feels good. 

The cushion is safe, comforting...the right place to let go of some blankets, and arise. 

The dream board is for the dream, your dream, the one ever-arising. The one already unfolding. 

The blankets are not creating the balloon, the balloon is creating the blankets. They’re not essential to the balloon. 

It’s really about the helium. 

♥️

[allislove]

@Dobi 1 trip a week is too often for me (but I am only one year on this path and we are all unique). 

My only suggestion is to put your attention on breath if you ever afraid of something, this should help for grounding in Now.   

Edited December 10, 2019 by dimitri

[allislove]

>  When "I" realized what just happened, I just started laughing and saying "OMG".

That's what @zeroISinfinity says all the time. 

[allislove]

@Nahm ?♥️

[WelcometoReality]

@Dobi

1 hour ago, Dobi said:

Without taking anything at all, 3 weeks ago, I was totally relaxed it my mind, it felt like "my" body was moving by it's own, doing some stuff, without me telling it to, I was more like an observer. This feeling was there for about 1-2 minutes. When "I" realized what just happened, I just started laughing and saying "OMG".
Thank about 3-4 hours later I couldn't feel anything of this anymore. Than there was just a memory of this left.

Till that day I had some moments when I felt that sth. is different but still from my ego-perspective.

You've had some great insights into the nature of your true self. It is common for experience to go between "problems" and  clarity for a while after these kind insights.

Problems and clarity are just experiences however, don't try to hold onto or push away any of these states. Let them come and go, you are simply the one experiencing them.

[Forestluv]

@Dobi Nondual realizations are often uncomfortable to a mind and body that was dualistically conditioned it’s entire life. It can feel groundless and the mind often makes up all sorts of stories trying to figure things out for a sense of grounding. It can take some time to acclimate. Ime, over time those nondual experiences became less and less uncomfortable and became more and more fascinating and magical. There was a shift from trying to figure it out to trying to experience more of it.

Also, dosages are relative. I am sensitive - 125ug LSD would send me into a full nondual realm. For others, 125ug is a light snack.

[Nahm]

@Dobi Perhaps a great contemplation....if there were not psychedelics, how would one self actualize? 

Not to imply any lack of usefulness...but to shine light on the duality currently at play.

[Dodo]

@Dobi i am also you, my sister calls me Dobi