How To Stop Moralizing Summary

[Juan Cruz Giusto]

What are should statements? Any time of your life when you or somebody else tells you you should do X, or shouldn’t do C.

List of should statements:

-          People should be nice to me

-          Children should respect their parents

-          People shouldn’t steal from me

-          Politicians shouldn’t lie to me

-          Corporations shouldn’t be so greedy

-          I shouldn’t be so lazy and watch TV

-          I shouldn’t masturbate

-          My mom shouldn’t be so stubborn

-          People should be more understanding and tolerant

-          My girlfriend should stay in shape

-          I shouldn’t be fact

-          I should wake up earlier

-          I should meditate better

-          My business should be more successful

-          I should be earning more

-          Etc.

The radical insight is: “Stop making should statements”

There is a subtle but very significant difference between “can” and “should”. If you want to live a better life, consider stop making “should” statements.

The world is exactly as it should be and it should not be any other way that it is. When you tell yourself that reality should be some other way, it is an expectation of your ego, not reality itself. If reality doesn’t help your survival needs, you try to change it to serve your self-agenda.

Why are “should” statements problematic? These rules are overly simplistic. To have an actualized life you need to live consciously, determining what is right or wrong in a specific scenario. It is not always wrong to eat candy, or get wasted and party, or do some drugs, or get a divorce, etc.

You need to start questioning where do the rules you have come from. Question your dogmas!

Way to let go should statements

1-      Identify your ”should” statement

2-      Flip it around: If it’s a should, make a shouldn’t

3-      Identify the resistance within you and notice that it actually feels truer that your original statement. Not always you should or should not do something.

All your should statements are actually fantasy. A self-actualized person doesn’t need strict laws and rules to do the right things.

 

 

List of should statements to flip around:

-          He should treat me better/He should not treat me better: The first one is fantasy, the second one is real. People will treat you bad and it’s okay.

-          I should be good/I should be bad: The reality is you will be bad sometimes and to expect a different thing is neurotic because you would be rejecting reality.

-          I shouldn’t feel ……./I should feel ……..: You should feel guilty, afraid, confused, etc.

-          People should like me/People shouldn’t like me

-          He shouldn’t cheat on me/He should cheat on me: Don’t resist the reality that people actually cheat.

-          I should be more confident/You shouldn’t be more confident

-          I shouldn’t feel frustrated when I meditate/I should be frustrated when I meditate

The problem in all these situations is that you are rejecting reality! You need to accept what is. Stop resisting reality and let go.

You need to embrace your humanity and your imperfections. Should statements put ideals in your life that doesn’t resemblance reality and make you suffer. You think you should have a perfect life but it is impossible. WHAT IS PERFECT IS REAL; YOU NEED TO REDEFINE YOUR DEFINITION OF PERFECTION.

Should statements make you feel obligated to do things; you are not doing thing because of natural desire but obligation. It also put you out of integrity and feel conflicted since you have to deny some parts of you.

You need to create models of reality that resemble as much as you can reality.

When you use a lot of should’s you will feel guilty and angry with life. To eliminate guilt just throw away any rule of how you should be and accept yourself as you are. WHAT YOU RESIST, PERSIST.

Should statements makes you feel trapped. It’s only when you have full freedom that you can live a conscious life and take the right choices about how you create the life you want.

People think that without should statements they will not have motivation to do stuff. It is only true if your only sources of motivations are should statements and obligations. If you only have this motivations, you will fuck up.

Start noticing that every time you make a should statement it’s leading to suffering in your life. NOTICE HOW BAD THIS HABIT IS.

Imagine for a moment that your life contains no should statements. Imagine how would you feel about these aspects of your life:

-          Gym

-          Nutrition

-          Parenting

-          Finances and money

-          Politics

-          Drugs

-          Relationships

-          Work schedules

-          Career

-          About being a nice person

-          Terrorism and murder

You would not be pissed off about anything. You will act accordingly to the situation but not getting involved in a battle in your head (ego stuff). You will be rational and grounded to take decisions and observe the situation.

Objections

1-      “There are things that are clearly evil”: What you call evil is a creation of your mind.

2-      “How do I be good?”: You be good by following your desire. You are run by your desires, not your moralistic ideals. You become good when you accept reality as it is and follow your natural desire.

3-      “How do I get things done?”: Follow your desires. You are lazy because you are full of should’s and shouldn’t’s. When you accept everything that you are you will have tons of high consciousness desires that come up within you. You will be genuinely passionate for things if you drop your shoulds.

4-      “Aren’t you contradicting yourself?”: You need to accept yourself more.

5-      “What about making reality better?”: First you accept reality, then you accept your desires and you will be naturally doing stuff to change reality.

6-      “How do I lose weight?”: You let go off your should, you get in touch with your authentic desires to be healthy rather than all your obligations. If you get in touch with your natural desire to be healthy you will naturally want to go to the gym.

7-      Don’t tell people they should do something or don’t do something, you need to train people to make decisions. You want to live a CONSCIOUS LIFE.

The problem is not with the word “Should” but the belief within it. The solution is to stop the rule.

Also realize that every action has its consequences.

How to apply this

1-      Become mindful of how many rules you have.

2-      Question the ones that are not gonna break or make your life

3-      Drop the rule: If you drop the stop drinking rule, you will probably drink a lot in the first month but realize that this was not a failure, it is part of the growth process.

Exercise

1-      Write down your top 50 should statements.

2-      Then flip them all around.

3-      Be mindful of all the should’s you create in your life and how this generates negative emotions.