Social Anxiety And A Lot More

[ill]

Hi, I've decided to write here cause I hope you can help me in some way. It's the first time in my life I'm actually writing a post like this. I want to describe to you, what I have observed during my introspection. I have read a lot of books regarding psychology, self image, meditation, philosophical, brain anatomy, really everything that could be helpful. Nothing by now.  I have a low self esteem since I remember, probably due to my fathers expectations towards me. He also has very low self esteem. He wanted me to be a brave, strong, respected sportsmen, having a lot of hot chicks, aggressive, the typical the "alpha" type. But I wasn't "perfect" in his eyes. I was smaller than my peers, not really into sports, weak and shy. I assume that I subconsciously got the message he was sending me. The message "Your'e not good enough". He treated my like I didn't exist, apart from giving me money and presents. Never even told me he likes me, but he wasn't mean towards me neither. I can say he was absent in my life despite living in the same house. No common acitivies, holiday, nothing. When i was in my teenage years, I've decided that I want to change. I started to read all this PUA crap, how to be more alpha,  started training and doing other stuff. After years I suppose that just wanted to be accepted by him. I have started to controll my behaviour, avoided situations in which I could be considered a wimp, pretended I'm always brave, cool and self-confident. And it gave me profits - finally was considered self-confident, picked up many girls. After a few years my organism started to act in a weird way. When I felt any of these unwanted feelings come, I would become tense, afraid and my self-esteem would become even lower, because I have been beating myself down non consciously over such small things as feeling fear towards someone (alphas are not afraid), feeling worse(they have high self-esteem), being shy(how can you get girls while being shy?), whatever was outside my "alpha guy" frame. The strange thing is, I'm a really succesfull guy, handsome, ripped, intelligent, know 3 languages fluently and a studying other ones. I had some really hot girls in my life, probably thanks bo pretending to be that "perfect man". All my friends say I'm perfect. But inside I feel like trash. I feel like if I were my real self, than I wouldn't get girls = I would be unacceptable. I am very needy towards women, I use them for my validation. When around them, I always act because I want them to be attracted to me and I know that I have some traits that would turn them off. For example, I avoid situations in which they may see that I'am a coward or that I'm not self-confident. Why? I know that women like guys with high self-esteem. So i fake it. After all these years of acting and pretending to be a macho guy, I've developed social anxiety. I had all these symptoms: racing heart, gulp in throat, tense belly muscles etc. I'm so afraid that people will consider me weak or that they will se my incongruence, that I avoid social situations. I don't want other people to see my weaknesses. I feel that a humiliation in front of people is the end of the world - I wouldn't be that cool guy anymore if they saw that I'm anxious or anything not-alpha. I have read books written by Nathaniel Branden, Osho, Echart Tolle, watched Leo, Elliott Hulse and other guys, to find a solution. Nothing by now. There were a few days in my life I felt really wonderfull - It was a period when I believed that emotions cannot be judged. I could feel fear and I wouldn't blame myself for it. I could be shy, anxious, even loving towards others (I consider showing positive emotions a weakness, as my father never told anything nice to anyone) and I wouldn't feel ashamed of it. I am simply beating myself down for anything that isn't "perfect" in myself. No problems with my body though, I accept it totally.

What can i do about it? Have you got any suggestions? 

[batfly]

 

[batfly]

Recognize the ego as a protagonist character in a novel.  Guide the ego to evolve his authenticity within the novel.

[Corte]

If you haven't yet, Watch Johnny Berba's Coaching videos. It's important to know that the degree to which you've allowed yourself to study and understand these deep parts of you is incredible. I don't think you'll have any problem overcoming all of this and becoming a greater more authentic version of yourself. Your progress is HUGE so far. Nothing left to do but to keep going, keep knocking down these beliefs, life will be better by the day...you know what to do

[step1]

On ‎05‎/‎06‎/‎2016 at 5:28 PM, Corte said:

If you haven't yet, Watch Johnny Berba's Coaching videos. It's important to know that the degree to which you've allowed yourself to study and understand these deep parts of you is incredible. I don't think you'll have any problem overcoming all of this and becoming a greater more authentic version of yourself. Your progress is HUGE so far. Nothing left to do but to keep going, keep knocking down these beliefs, life will be better by the day...you know what to do

I second this.  I only came across him a day ago and I already feel better from his videos.  What a great guy he is.

[ill]

Thank you guys, checked him out and there's really something deep in his message. And it's so simple at the same time - be honest with yourself and everyone else. It seems that I wasn't because I feared rejection. And I lied to myself. Now I'm trying to be 100% sincere about my feelings and thoughts, even if they hurt my ego.I have to admitt that i recovered a lot as I recall who I used to be in my teens. I've also read a bit about the "disowned selves" theory lately and tried to integrate them into my self image but it didn't give me great results. I have observed a bit of improvement but definetly not what I expected. Maybe it has to come naturally as an effect of forgiveness to myself for not being perfect. Not sure. How do you think?

[Mal]

On 6/5/2016 at 4:55 PM, ill said:

I have read books written by Nathaniel Branden, Osho, Echart Tolle, watched Leo, Elliott Hulse and other guys, to find a solution. Nothing by now. There were a few days in my life I felt really wonderfull.

What can i do about it? Have you got any suggestions? 

Hello, 

It looks to me that you may have been doing a lot of reading, but not doing any of the work required.

Reading and practice go hand in hand, self-awareness (which is actually the thing that makes one attractive) is built over time with certain practices.

To be frank, it looks like you are stuck in your head and wondering why after "all this work" that you are not getting the results you hoped for.  

It also sounds like you have some distorted views about masculinity, alphaness especially.  One cannot pretend to be something they are not!  If you are afraid then embrace that, and you will find self-awareness (attractiveness) grows.  This is about accepting you as you are now, and nurturing yourself back to health in a kind way rather than a self-defeating way.

I think your best option would be to stop with the information overload, build up your conventional life the way YOU want it, and do some real self development practices in order to raise your vibrations from a state of fear and lack and into a healthy sense of self and abundance.

No more dating coaches.  No more books.  Just take some time developing yourself and your relationships and you WILL find that your true "alphaness" (which cannot be learned from any outside resources) will appear in your life.

Basic meditation and self-acceptance practices will be perfect for you at this point.  Leo has video's on this.   

Cut the dependency on the outside sources of information and start to look inside.  It's all inside you, you are genetically designed to get you to as far as mating and supporting yourself financially and emotionally.  When this phase is complete then you can take yourself further spiritually if that is what you want.

Regards

Mal

Edited June 7, 2016 by Mal

[ill]

23 hours ago, Mal said:

 

It looks to me that you may have been doing a lot of reading, but not doing any of the work required.

Reading and practice go hand in hand, self-awareness (which is actually the thing that makes one attractive) is built over time with certain practices.

To be frank, it looks like you are stuck in your head and wondering why after "all this work" that you are not getting the results you hoped for.  

 

Not really, I have been meditating and practicing living in the present moment for almost two years. Looking back before that period I was almost like an animal - repressed so much of my inner world that it seems impossible for me now. In the beggining I did it in a bad way - I saw things that were unacceptable for me then and instead of accepting them as they are (what is very important) I simply noticed them. And noticing by itself didn't give me a relief. It was the opposite. I started to notice unpleasant thoughts, emotions and it was the actual moment  in my life when my body  started to produce symptoms of anxiety. My self-esteem got even lower. Some time later i discovered that acceptance has to be added and most of my symptoms disappeared but not all. Even now I sometimes wake up with a gulp in throat or just a feeling of inner discomfort and it is with me during the day, usually until I stop feeling bad about having them and simply accept them. But feeling bad about it is instinctive for me, I trained my brain to do I think.

 

23 hours ago, Mal said:

 It also sounds like you have some distorted views about masculinity, alphaness especially.  One cannot pretend to be something they are not!  If you are afraid then embrace that, and you will find self-awareness (attractiveness) grows.  This is about accepting you as you are now, and nurturing yourself back to health in a kind way rather than a self-defeating way.

I think your best option would be to stop with the information overload, build up your conventional life the way YOU want it, and do some real self development practices in order to raise your vibrations from a state of fear and lack and into a healthy sense of self and abundance.

No more dating coaches.  No more books.  Just take some time developing yourself and your relationships and you WILL find that your true "alphaness" (which cannot be learned from any outside resources) will appear in your life.

I am already doing it but i expected a faster progress. From time to time I am having this feeling of  "I am stuck, nothing is really changing and I'm going to be like this forever." That's why I wrote here. To hear that I am not alone with this kind of thinking pattern or that it is possible to get out of it. To get some hope, beacause dealing with life in this way is really devastating for me. Sometimes I feel cured but then happens something that pushes the button (a situation which I cannot accept) and everything comes back. Currently I am accepting everything as it is and being totally honest with the world and myself. It is a bit hard because my awarness tries to protect me from circumstances that I may not be able to accept and I have to focus really hard to see some of tem but I won't give up definetly. Each method I got to know in the past helped me a bit to understand myself and my problem. That's why I'm asking you for help. Maybe you know some tips? Meditation is great but I would like to invest myself all in this process and do some other usefull things. 

EDIT: 

In my opinion, due to my fathers expectations towards me, I wasn't able to accept reality as it is, so I started getting rid of many aspects of it. And the challenge for me now is to integrate these parts of reality. But to do so, I should prepare myself for it by getting rid of my fathers sick expectations. A bit confusing but hope you got it. How do you think?

Edited June 8, 2016 by ill

[Mal]

@ill

It sounds like you want validation and yet another dating coaches advice. It takes more than 2 years of meditation to undo a lifetimes worth of negative programming. 

Even people cleansing kundalini have years of depression and rage to work through. 

Attitude is important.

Mal

[ill]

Never had no dating coach advice, my friend was one and i know it's all crap. Only read one book called "The game". More like I'm looking for advices in self-acceptance. How to do it when my subconsciouss works against me.

[charlie2dogs]

On 6/5/2016 at 11:55 AM, ill said:

Hi, I've decided to write here cause I hope you can help me in some way. It's the first time in my life I'm actually writing a post like this. I want to describe to you, what I have observed during my introspection. I have read a lot of books regarding psychology, self image, meditation, philosophical, brain anatomy, really everything that could be helpful. Nothing by now.  I have a low self esteem since I remember, probably due to my fathers expectations towards me. He also has very low self esteem. He wanted me to be a brave, strong, respected sportsmen, having a lot of hot chicks, aggressive, the typical the "alpha" type. But I wasn't "perfect" in his eyes. I was smaller than my peers, not really into sports, weak and shy. I assume that I subconsciously got the message he was sending me. The message "Your'e not good enough". He treated my like I didn't exist, apart from giving me money and presents. Never even told me he likes me, but he wasn't mean towards me neither. I can say he was absent in my life despite living in the same house. No common acitivies, holiday, nothing. When i was in my teenage years, I've decided that I want to change. I started to read all this PUA crap, how to be more alpha,  started training and doing other stuff. After years I suppose that just wanted to be accepted by him. I have started to controll my behaviour, avoided situations in which I could be considered a wimp, pretended I'm always brave, cool and self-confident. And it gave me profits - finally was considered self-confident, picked up many girls. After a few years my organism started to act in a weird way. When I felt any of these unwanted feelings come, I would become tense, afraid and my self-esteem would become even lower, because I have been beating myself down non consciously over such small things as feeling fear towards someone (alphas are not afraid), feeling worse(they have high self-esteem), being shy(how can you get girls while being shy?), whatever was outside my "alpha guy" frame. The strange thing is, I'm a really succesfull guy, handsome, ripped, intelligent, know 3 languages fluently and a studying other ones. I had some really hot girls in my life, probably thanks bo pretending to be that "perfect man". All my friends say I'm perfect. But inside I feel like trash. I feel like if I were my real self, than I wouldn't get girls = I would be unacceptable. I am very needy towards women, I use them for my validation. When around them, I always act because I want them to be attracted to me and I know that I have some traits that would turn them off. For example, I avoid situations in which they may see that I'am a coward or that I'm not self-confident. Why? I know that women like guys with high self-esteem. So i fake it. After all these years of acting and pretending to be a macho guy, I've developed social anxiety. I had all these symptoms: racing heart, gulp in throat, tense belly muscles etc. I'm so afraid that people will consider me weak or that they will se my incongruence, that I avoid social situations. I don't want other people to see my weaknesses. I feel that a humiliation in front of people is the end of the world - I wouldn't be that cool guy anymore if they saw that I'm anxious or anything not-alpha. I have read books written by Nathaniel Branden, Osho, Echart Tolle, watched Leo, Elliott Hulse and other guys, to find a solution. Nothing by now. There were a few days in my life I felt really wonderfull - It was a period when I believed that emotions cannot be judged. I could feel fear and I wouldn't blame myself for it. I could be shy, anxious, even loving towards others (I consider showing positive emotions a weakness, as my father never told anything nice to anyone) and I wouldn't feel ashamed of it. I am simply beating myself down for anything that isn't "perfect" in myself. No problems with my body though, I accept it totally.

What can i do about it? Have you got any suggestions? 

you can read other peoples works, watch their videos, but in the end, you are going to have to find your real self to solve these problems, right now you have no integrity, that creates a world of problems for you,  you are trying to be something you are not that creates a world of problems.  your thinking process is all out of whack, because you have only been thinking as the human identity.  If you want out of this box, you will have to let go of the past, find your real self, experience that on a level that will give you the security, peace, and self esteem, and of just being who and what you really are and the only way you can do that is move into the moment of now, and experience the real you on that deeper level of being.  the past is gone, the future doesnt exist, and you are spending your time in both of them and its taking you no place except to create more consequences. get out of the past and stop worrying about how you look to girls and get into a deeper level of your own being for a while.