Anxiety coming to my ego’s rescue

[blankisomeone]

This will be a tough one to explain...

So.. whenever I sit down to meditate and watch my thoughts pass by, slowly they start to fade away... They become very small until they seem to quiet down completely. Then, I feel very peaceful. It feels like something lights up in my head. Idk, it feels like a very BRIGHT light lights up inside my head. Feels great. And I laugh or just smile because it feels so good. Feels sort of like “oh so this is IT?” But then, some anxiety appears inside my chest. And my thoughts come rushing back in. It feels like the anxiety appeared to “save” me. To bring me back! To bring my thoughts back, because for a second there it’s like I was dying. So that anxiety comes up as if to say “dude wtf u doin? Come back!! Look at this anxiety. What ur doing is killing u!!” And then my thoughts come back like that... It’s crazy. There’s definitely something much bigger going on deep inside of us. There’s much more to life we don’t know. Life is so playful and serious at the same time. Respect life. It knows what it’s doing. Asking why won’t take you anywhere. Be playful but be serious. Aim for fearlessness but respect what fear does to you. ~ I used to do a lot of mindfulness meditation and now I’m doing the “shoo your ego away” style meditation where you just sit down quietly and focus on something and whenever some sort of “voice” appears in your head (aka thoughts) you acknowledge it, send it away, and bring awareness back to the focus point. Do it for a long time. Even when the voice says “bruh for how much longer u gonna sit there... You should be studying now”.

 

Have any of you experienced this “anxiety” that comes after a glimpse of your True nature? I don’t know how to express it but if you’ve gone through it you know exactly what I’m talking about... How should I deal with it? Just feel it away? easier said than done

[WelcometoReality]

5 hours ago, blankisomeone said:

Have any of you experienced this “anxiety” that comes after a glimpse of your True nature? I don’t know how to express it but if you’ve gone through it you know exactly what I’m talking about... How should I deal with it? Just feel it away? easier said than done

The anxiety is ego trying to lure you back. Any reaction to the anxiety, to identify with it, to get rid of it, is also ego. Just let it be let it arise and fal away by itself.

[Nahm]

12 hours ago, blankisomeone said:

But then, some anxiety appears inside my chest. And my thoughts come rushing back in. It feels like the anxiety appeared to “save” me. To bring me back! To bring my thoughts back, because for a second there it’s like I was dying. So that anxiety comes up as if to say “dude wtf u doin? Come back!! Look at this anxiety. What ur doing is killing u!!” And then my thoughts come back like that

The “anxiety” is feeling, and it is second. The thoughts (fears) about death, and the ‘more to it’ you mentioned, are met by a feeling of “that ain’t true”....which you are labeling, “anxiety”.  Feel the feeling, instead of labeling it and writing it off as “anxiety”. This naturally leads to letting beliefs go, and thought & feeling aligning. The ‘separate self’ is sustained only in thought, in a past and or future thought story. ”Self” + “past”, and or, “self” + “future” = “separate self”. 

“How should I deal with it? Just feel it away? easier said than done”.

It’s actually easier done than said. The default is that it is “done”, as in, you’re fine, totally fine. Then, thoughts / beliefs arise which aren’t being let go of, and that doesn’t feel good, because the thoughts / beliefs, aren’t true about you. Self referential thoughts about you can’t be true, because you are the awareness of the thoughts “about you”. 

Crack this by returning and looking in the present. Staying in the now, the present, you’ll notice the change. ....

”that’s not a self, that’s a thought”

”that’s not a self, that’s a sensation”

”that’s not a self, that’s perception”. 

Take the past & future out of the mix simply by noticing the believing of those thoughts, and there is nowhere for the separate self to “hide” anymore...monkey mind ceases, and purification is noticed to have been the natural order all along. 

[Forestluv]

19 hours ago, blankisomeone said:

This will be a tough one to explain...

So.. whenever I sit down to meditate and watch my thoughts pass by, slowly they start to fade away... They become very small until they seem to quiet down completely. Then, I feel very peaceful. It feels like something lights up in my head. Idk, it feels like a very BRIGHT light lights up inside my head. Feels great. And I laugh or just smile because it feels so good. Feels sort of like “oh so this is IT?” But then, some anxiety appears inside my chest. And my thoughts come rushing back in. It feels like the anxiety appeared to “save” me. To bring me back! To bring my thoughts back, because for a second there it’s like I was dying. So that anxiety comes up as if to say “dude wtf u doin? Come back!! Look at this anxiety. What ur doing is killing u!!” And then my thoughts come back like that... It’s crazy.

I think you did a great job explaining it. I've had similar experiences. For me, this is indicative of a desire to protect the self and control the narrative. This often happens when my thinking mind is losing control of the narrative and wants to regain control. 

This is a common appearance in the grey area of "ego death". Perhaps we could call it "ego dozing". From the perspective of the ego, this is like dozing off while driving on the highway. To the ego, dozing off at the wheel is dangerous and threatening. It will want to maintain control to help the mind and body. This is a form of love. The ego wants to protect the mind and body from harm. Yet what the ego doesn't understand is that the ego is actually the passenger in the car and the actual driver is not trying to harm the passenger.