Dominance during sex

[Identity]

Now that my girlfriend and I have become more comfortable with having sex, our sex is also becoming more polorized.

Im stepping more into my masculine and she more into her feminine.

Sometimes we also start having sex where I am more dominant. This includes things like dirty talk, moving her around, stuff like that.

It feels great, we both love it.

However, I am curious where the line is between it being healthy and it becoming dysfuctional.

If I pull her hair?

If I call her bitch?

If I give her a slap?

 

[universe]

After the second slap!

Just kidding, what do you think? It depends entirely on you guys. It could be coming from a place of anger or hurt that you have hold back for a long time. If thats the case I would maybe find other ways to let go of that. But if you just enjoy it, do whatever feels right for you.

[Chakra Lion]

The line is when she wants you to stop and you don't.

When she says NO and you don't listen. 

When you do it out of Aggression, not Love. 

[Forestluv]

You two get to create and write your own story. That’s the beauty of it. 
Fo me, it’s important that it is welcomed and we are both into it. 

[Spiral]

It’s healthy if it’s consensual and not a way to take out struggles from regular life.

Like let’s imagine she has a rape fetish. This comes from her suppressed sexuality and should be dealed with.

Edited December 8, 2019 by Spiral

[Ananta]

1 hour ago, Identity said:

However, I am curious where the line is between it being healthy and it becoming dysfuctional.

If I pull her hair?

If I call her bitch?

If I give her a slap?

You have to ask her, everyone's different. 

For example, I wouldn't mind the hair pull or slap (not excessive), but draw the line at being called bitch.

[skywords]

Asking others if this or that is "alright," annoys the hell out of me!

Seems so incredibly authoritarian, as if there were someone out there who knew what was "alright" and what wasn't.

And what blows my mind is, why not just ask one's partner what they want or don't want?

Why ask some anonymous ppl who can't POSSIBLY have anywhere near the presence to have the slightest idea about your personal predicaments????????

What am I missing????????????????

[Identity]

@universe lol ? Overal it feels good. It does feel like stuff is coming up that I supressed. But more some kind of energy, I feel unchained, powerful. 

@Chakra Lion Noo, I would’t let it get that far. Although some hint of anger might be in there.

@Serotoninluv ??
 

@Spiral Yeah it’s consentual. A dynamic like that is not something I have noticed, but will keep an eye out for how it evolves. I guess a fear that something like that is going on, is behind me posting. However, I don’t think it takes unhealthy forms so far.

@Anna1 Yeah we have open communication about it. She told me she likes all the above when in the right mood. Well calibrated ofcourse.

@skywords Chill out bro. We do talk about it. It’s just a new and somewhat uncomfortable area for me, so wanted other perspectives. 

Edited December 8, 2019 by Identity

[Forestluv]

This is an area in which intuition and flow comes into play. Ime, under-asking or over-asking can spoil the fun. There is a sweet spot in which things flow. Yet, the chemistry between every couple is different and it's good to get some idea of boundaries. I wouldn't just slap a woman across her face during sex to see how it goes. That is under-asking and it can throw off dynamics - the chemistry, the trust etc. Yet over-asking spoils things as well. If I asked a gal in advance if I could pull her hair and we over-planned, it's no fun - for me anyway. "Ok, first I will pull your hair this much and then you slap my ass twice - this hard.". That is over-planned for me. Part of sexual exploration is uncertainty, spontaneity and the unknown - without under-doing it or over-doing it. 

This are some ways I would put out "feelers". . . bring up the topic in casual conversation. "I heard someone talking about doing [insert act] during sex. I wonder what that would be like". It could be spanking, wearing a hood, a whip, handcuffs etc. - just said in a casual way.  Then I get present and in tune with the vibe. If she withdraws and says "that's really demented" - then it's out of bounds. If she gets curious and says "I've never tried that before, hmmm. . . ". Then it's in play. If she says "That's actually one of my fantasies, yet I've never met a guy that's into it". Then I'm making a stop to the adult store before our next date. . . Yet I won't over-ask and over-plan. For me, elements of anticipation, suspense, curiosity and unknown add excitement - as long as we are playing within bounds.

Early in relationships, I also ask that we give each other nonverbal feedback during sex as we explore. This way, we can improvise. If I pull her hair gently and she her eyes roll back as she moans - that's a good indicator to continue that path. If she pulls away and grunts, move in a different direction. I've found it important to be willing to "fail" and have a "micro rejection". If I'm trying to do everything right and be perfect, it doesn't go very well. If I am present for the cues, I can get much better in tune with her and us. 

Also, mood is really important. If she had a hard day and just wants some "release", that is a different mood than if we had been sexting all day and things were building. . . 

If you want to take things to the next level, I would suggest role playing. 

[Ananta]

Whew, @Serotoninluv  should be the actualized.org official sex therapist 

[Identity]

5 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

If she says "That's actually one of my fantasies, yet I've never met a guy that's into it". Then I making a stop to the adult store before our next date. . . 

Hahaha ??

Thank you, those are some great tips!

[Forestluv]

15 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

Whew, @Serotoninluv  should be the actualized.org official sex therapist 

Lol. That was actually a role play I was involved in. One day she sent me a text: "I'm your therapist tonight. It's our first session. Arrive in character". . . When one transcends their character in self actualization work, all sorts of doors open. 

It was like something out of the Netflix series "Gypsy". 

[Ananta]

2 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Lol. That was actually a role play I was involved in. One day she sent me a text: "I'm your therapist tonight. It's our first session. Arrive in character". 

It was like something out of the Netflix series "Gypsy". 

Hehe, that's it, start a thread, "ask all your sex questions to Dr Luv" 

 

[Forestluv]

10 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

Hehe, that's it, start a thread, "ask all your sex questions to Dr Luv" 

Well. . . I was hoping for one of those threads: "I'm enlightened, ask me anything". Yet, I'll take what I can get. . . 

[Ananta]

Just now, Serotoninluv said:

Well. . . I was hoping for one of those threads: "I'm enlightened ask me anything". Yet I guess I'll take what I can get. . . 

Omg,  that's too funny..

 

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

Deep down you already know where that line is, unless your sexuality has been warped by porn and the lines are blurred I guess. 

[Ananta]

9 minutes ago, TrynaBeTurquoise said:

Deep down you already know where that line is, unless your sexuality has been warped by porn and the lines are blurred I guess. 

Not sure if that's really fair. I've talked to several women that wouldn't let you pull their hair or smack their ass at all. Just straight sex, period. How's a guy suppose to know that?

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

8 minutes ago, Anna1 said:

Not sure if that's really fair. I've talked to several women that wouldn't let you pull their hair or smack their ass at all. Just straight sex, period. How's a guy suppose to know that?

Theres a spectrum of hair pulling and ass-slapping. If you feel into it based on your rapport with your female partner, her personality, behaviors, innuendos, ect you can pretty much know. Thats not to say you guess or assume that you can go straight into hard ass slapping (if you were even into that), you play as conservatively as you can. You only do it when its apparent. And when its apparent, its apparent, and this is always staying within reasonable bounds and respectful. If a girl didn't want to be slapped on the ass there would be no ass slapping unless the guy is refusing to read the signs. And if signs are misread, the guy listens to the girl and stops. Its not like she just got raped or violated because a guy slapped her ass with a sub-harmful level of force because things were giving hot and heavy. If the guy doesn't stop, then thats a separate problem. Not that big of an issue if you tap into your intuition, don't go overboard and respect your partner. 

[Forestluv]

@TrynaBeTurquoise That describes one dynamic. Hair pulling and spanking is obvious entry-level stuff that is relatively easy to intuit through conservative trials. . . There are other dynamics as well. Women often conceal deeper fantasies/fetishes and it can be really hard to intuit. Women have told me fantasies I didn't even know existed. It would have been nearly impossible to intuit.

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

9 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

@TrynaBeTurquoise That describes one dynamic. Hair pulling and spanking is obvious entry-level stuff that is relatively easy to intuit through conservative trials. . . There are other dynamics as well. Women often conceal deeper fantasies/fetishes and it can be really hard to intuit. Women have told me fantasies I didn't even know existed. It would have been nearly impossible to intuit.

Well yeah, beyond the things that can be intuited, all that is stuff you have to talk about. Unless infinite intelligence has got your back in the bedroom.