Should, Shouldn't, Shower Thoughts

[oats]

Just had a shower thought and insight after watching Leo's latest vid,

The 'should' judgement fucks me up SO MUCH! 

I have been fighting myself for so long on this personal development journey, trying to 'should' my way to success! But it only causes me pain.

I shouldn't be sick today.. only delays my recovery

I should study more.. only makes me take subjects I don't actually enjoy and grind my way through for no reason - even when I've done more than enough study to do well already and I have NOTHING TO PROVE

I should be more muscular, eat more, be bigger.. only makes me overworked and tired, sick and bloated, and have weird self esteem issues in the mirror even when I'm a perfectly fit and healthy young man  -- wtf???

I should be better with girls, be less afraid, be more outgoing and fun and sexual.. only makes me feel stifled - like I'm 'putting on' some personality that isn't authentic and congruent, which leads to turning girls away because of my weird vibes and neediness for it to work

I realised in the shower when I thought "Damn I wish I was in a hot bath right now" that wishing for things is absolutely insane, because IT DOESN'T EXIST. Furthermore, wishing to have a bath (when I don't have a bathtub) is just as crazy as wishing I was a playboy billionaire immortal from mars, there are no 'reasonable' wishes like this because the first wish doesn't exist just as much as the second! 

The craziest thing is that all these prevent me from just enjoying the moment, I literally cannot be happy when I'm judging every single thing in my life, from my past, in the future, whatever -- These are all just fantasies and symbols floating around in my head -- none of it is REAL!!! Time to get off the crazy roller coaster.

I realise this doesn't sound like any new groundbreaking stuff, but I'm just internalising it and really feeling it as applied to my own life. 

Thank you!

 

[Mal]

@oats

Welcome to the world of REAL self development. 

Now you can drop the RSD, Elliot Hulse and pop psychology bullshit and start afresh today.  You clearly understand cognitive development and how it's intimately connected to enlightenment. 

Welcome aboard!

Warmly

-Mal

Edited June 5, 2016 by Mal

[JKG]

@oats I've had really similar thoughts today. And it feels so good without the pressure from all the should statements.

[oats]

Thanks everyone! 

[Azrael]

On 5.6.2016 at 1:25 PM, oats said:

I realise this doesn't sound like any new groundbreaking stuff, but I'm just internalising it and really feeling it as applied to my own life.

Great, but make sure you don't take this as your new dogma. Dreams and wishes are very fucking important in some cases. For example for your life purpose. You need a long-term vision in your life in many aspects to really have a fulfilling life that develops over time. However, you are also right that living in wishy-land all the time just makes you frustrated.

I think every human being has his or hers core-failures (or we might call it so). Like for example you are a little too overweight, you smoke a little too much pot, you want to be better in university etc. And it seems that even if you take massive action against one of these core-failures that are kind of integral for you - in the long run you don't cut them lose.

This is mainly because you trying to end a symptom that came out of being neurotic and not calm and trying to solve it with the same kind of behaviour. A non-neurotic human being wouldn't even care too much if he is a little overweight, smokes a little bit to much pot or could have better grades. He would probably still want to work on some of that but only if it feels natural and if it's the time to do so.

Most of my unwanted habits fell off when I lowered my level of neurosis (through meditation) or I just stopped caring about them and really saw how they make me. And it's a funny thing that in that very situation they start to melt away because you stop opposing them.

Cheers

[charlie2dogs]

4 hours ago, Arik said:

Great, but make sure you don't take this as your new dogma. Dreams and wishes are very fucking important in some cases. For example for your life purpose. You need a long-term vision in your life in many aspects to really have a fulfilling life that develops over time. However, you are also right that living in wishy-land all the time just makes you frustrated.

I think every human being has his or hers core-failures (or we might call it so). Like for example you are a little too overweight, you smoke a little too much pot, you want to be better in university etc. And it seems that even if you take massive action against one of these core-failures that are kind of integral for you - in the long run you don't cut them lose.

This is mainly because you trying to end a symptom that came out of being neurotic and not calm and trying to solve it with the same kind of behaviour. A non-neurotic human being wouldn't even care too much if he is a little overweight, smokes a little bit to much pot or could have better grades. He would probably still want to work on some of that but only if it feels natural and if it's the time to do so.

Most of my unwanted habits fell off when I lowered my level of neurosis (through meditation) or I just stopped caring about them and really saw how they make me. And it's a funny thing that in that very situation they start to melt away because you stop opposing them.

Cheers

its sort of like pain, when you stop fighting pain and you embrace the pain, and you sit quietly and go deeper and deeper into the pain, at a point the pain wont be there, you wont be able to find it, when you function as your core being within the moment, consciousness begins to cleanse itself, and many things will begin to dissolve and start flowing away from you and in that space there is no problems, no pain, no sorrow or worry no conflicts, nothing but peace and it allows for the cleansing to happen, and it happens automatically and without work or struggle.

[Uchira]

@Arik

On 6/11/2016 at 4:42 PM, Arik said:

.He would probably still want to work on some of that but only if it feels natural and if it's the time to do so.

 

What do you mean feels natural?

[Azrael]

2 hours ago, Uchira said:

What do you mean feels natural?

I mean that a non-neurotic human being would work on his issues only if he has the resources to do so. If he has an inner feeling that he wants to change the way he eats, wants to go out more or what ever he follows through on that notion because it is natural to do so. He doesn't cut off his whole "unhealthy" lifestyle from one day to the next to fit some mental masturbation concept for a few days until his will collapses and he has to stop.

He kind of relaxes into the situation and intuitively feels out what to do. That doesn't mean that everything comes easy for him or that it isn't hard to quit a bad habit. But he so chooses to take on the challenge because his whole body wants to and will support his decision.

Do you know certain people who eat extremely healthy and have no problems not eating candies or bullshit all the time? Or people who are very charming, very sporty, involved in an art or something similar.

All of them - at least in this field of their life - follow through a natural notion and seem to master it with little effort - what for you would maybe be not achievable. That's natural, that's using free energy that your body provides to go with your inner flow.

[stevegan928]

i haven't read any of your post yet but if you haven't yet showered today i suggest you get on that.

[Uchira]

@Arik did you find your natural desire to change this world

[Azrael]

55 minutes ago, Uchira said:

@Arik did you find your natural desire to change this world

I don't desire to change the world. I desire to find my inner peace and have a good time. I think the only way to really help this world is to stop trying to change it for the better but focus that you yourself do good. In that way you would help a lot more if you ask me.

[Huz]

On 6/12/2016 at 5:53 PM, Arik said:

I don't desire to change the world. I desire to find my inner peace and have a good time. I think the only way to really help this world is to stop trying to change it for the better but focus that you yourself do good. In that way you would help a lot more if you ask me.

@Arik on a scale of 1 to 10, how monastic/aesthetic is your lifestyle at the moment? (10 being a monk completely)

[Azrael]

1 hour ago, Huz88 said:

@Arik on a scale of 1 to 10, how monastic/aesthetic is your lifestyle at the moment? (10 being a monk completely)

I'd say 3-4. I have a few very strong rituals in place like a morning routine, my meditation, how I eat and a few other things. So in that way I'm by nature very monky. However, especially now the weather is becoming better in Germany and I find myself going out partying a lot - I have a festival coming up this month - I play Frisbee a lot (for my that's basically flowing meditation ) or I go see football with some friends like tonight.

The thing is this: I don't really care any more. And I have seen for myself that primarily my body decides when it wants to live very monastic and when not. For example if I learn for my exams - it's typically a 6 week period - I'm mostly at home for myself, I learn 6 hours a day and meditate 2-4 hours. In this time I'm automatically very monky. But right now, seemingly not.

I live in a city - Berlin - in which you can have a lot of fun. And I chose to have a lot of fun now in my twenties because you cannot do that any more when you are older then 30. It's not the same. I know older people and they don't have as much fun getting wasted and doing stupid shit. So I balance doing stupid shit with a lot of learning and living my passion (computer science) and getting more conscious through meditation.

But basically I don't engineer that, it just happens to be that way. For my future I want to live a lot more monastic, however. If I'm through with my studies and had my childish fun the plan right now is to either go to Canada, get a nice place, work a little and have a lot of free time for meditation in the most beautiful nature or to go to a place like Antaiji for a few years. Maybe I first go there and then Canada. I'd like that.

We'll see what the future brings. But I'd like to at least spend 10 years very dedicated to this work w/o much distraction. Then you can come back, tell others, reintegrate and do some other shit. But the older I get and the more I progress, the less fun I have and playing this normal life.

That's my thoughts on this.

[Toby]

9 minutes ago, Arik said:

I live in a city - Berlin

Just out of curiosity because I'm from Germany as well: do you also sit with a group or a teacher or just "alone"?

[Azrael]

44 minutes ago, Toby said:

Just out of curiosity because I'm from Germany as well: do you also sit with a group or a teacher or just "alone"?

Currently alone. I am looking here and there for groups and stuff but haven't found one yet that I feel comfortable with. I'd like to find a cool Zen Dojo here and I probably visit a few more this summer.

[Huz]

3 hours ago, Arik said:

I'd say 3-4. I have a few very strong rituals in place like a morning routine, my meditation, how I eat and a few other things. So in that way I'm by nature very monky. However, especially now the weather is becoming better in Germany and I find myself going out partying a lot - I have a festival coming up this month - I play Frisbee a lot (for my that's basically flowing meditation ) or I go see football with some friends like tonight.

The thing is this: I don't really care any more. And I have seen for myself that primarily my body decides when it wants to live very monastic and when not. For example if I learn for my exams - it's typically a 6 week period - I'm mostly at home for myself, I learn 6 hours a day and meditate 2-4 hours. In this time I'm automatically very monky. But right now, seemingly not.

I live in a city - Berlin - in which you can have a lot of fun. And I chose to have a lot of fun now in my twenties because you cannot do that any more when you are older then 30. It's not the same. I know older people and they don't have as much fun getting wasted and doing stupid shit. So I balance doing stupid shit with a lot of learning and living my passion (computer science) and getting more conscious through meditation.

But basically I don't engineer that, it just happens to be that way. For my future I want to live a lot more monastic, however. If I'm through with my studies and had my childish fun the plan right now is to either go to Canada, get a nice place, work a little and have a lot of free time for meditation in the most beautiful nature or to go to a place like Antaiji for a few years. Maybe I first go there and then Canada. I'd like that.

We'll see what the future brings. But I'd like to at least spend 10 years very dedicated to this work w/o much distraction. Then you can come back, tell others, reintegrate and do some other shit. But the older I get and the more I progress, the less fun I have and playing this normal life.

That's my thoughts on this.

Cool!! Thats similar to me at the moment. I don't resist my societal addictions/responsibilities at the moment because they are too fun, and when I do it is like I am repressing my ego but I am cutting all that stuff down slowly and focusing more on internal work. However when I do, I acknowledge the fact that the activities are low consciousness and am becoming more aware of how society has affected me up until now. During my exam period I was very monastic. I am planning to stay at Antaiji next August after I finish university. Would be cool if we go at the same time!!  When are you planning to stay? (if you are)

Edited June 16, 2016 by Huz88

[Azrael]

2 minutes ago, Huz88 said:

Would be cool if we go at the same time!!  When are you planning to stay? (if you are)

That would be fun. But I'll still need a few years. I'm currently doing my Bachelor, after that I will do my Master so I'm at least occupied for the next 3-4 years. But if I go there, I probably stay for some time to really get it down.

[Huz]

3 hours ago, Arik said:

But the older I get and the more I progress, the less fun I have and playing this normal life.

 

But I see it as the more older and wiser you get the more fun you would be having in the present moment even during the "mundane" experiences.

3 minutes ago, Arik said:

That would be fun. But I'll still need a few years. I'm currently doing my Bachelor, after that I will do my Master so I'm at least occupied for the next 3-4 years. But if I go there, I probably stay for some time to really get it down.

For me, I finish my bachelors next year. I am planning to do a long term residency at Antaiji. Then when I come back to the west I want to teach what I have learned to people.