Relationship Insecurities

[Raptorsin7]

I have toxic beliefs about romantic relationships and I wonder if anyone can relate, or was in my situation and managed to overcome it.

I have never had a girlfriend, but i have had some sexual experience. I don't find a lot of girls attractive and i feel like I have standards, physically, career/intelligence, and personal development. I feel like i have a lot of superficial dating standards like the one's i listed above, and I don't know how limited they are. I'm afraid that if i date someone i might find someone i like more very soon after, and so it scares me from taking a chance with a girl i'm not sure about because i don't want to her hurt or go through the pain myself. I am social, but i don't have an expanding social net work. It's basically, school and yoga.

I do a lot of personal development work so i'm hoping as i improve as a person my life will open up more and i will naturally meet people and this stuff will resolve itself. But at the same time i feel like i need to take an active role in my situation and put myself out there more. I am definitely super resistant to taking the hard road and just asking out a bunch of girls and going on a ton of dates until i meet someone i really like. What are the biggest things holding me back?

[Preety_India]

I think the biggest thing holding you back is your Ego. 

Your ego is extremely resistant. It wants to preserve who you are to the point that you don't want to be subjected to even a slight offense. As a result your heart has closed. For you, relationships are not an opportunity to find love, but a situation of "what if this" , "what if that", this is a cycle of catastrophization you are already l engaging in when a relationship has not even begun. Your ego has already conjured up all the negative consequences of a relationship in order to proactively protect you from getting hurt. 

Release yourself out of this. If you approached relationships and dating with a pessimistic catastrophizing mindset, you will have no success even if you found a really wonderful potential date/partner. 

First work on yourself on getting more social and dropping fear based thinking and insecurities. 

Understand that even bad/toxic relationships are not something that people keep regretting every minute, they learn something from it that helps them grow, they get important learning lessons out of it so it's not entirely regretful. And there is always some love even if there is some hurt and pain. That's the nature of life. Everything cannot be served on a silver platter. Anything and everything has it's ups and downs. You cannot bypass it. Living life means enjoying the rose, forgetting the thorns. Nothing is ever going to be problem free or peaceful or perfect. You'll have to work around it and find your way through tough situations and get what you want. Take the good,leave out the bad.

I feel like you're confident, you just avoid approaching because of the ego backlash or ego resistance. 

Open your heart more and cultivate the quality of openness. Once you do that you'll look at people in a different light. You'll learn to welcome good behavior and let go the ones that act weird. 

Openness can make you more loving and less scared. 

 

 

 

 

[Amit]

Yeah, I completely agree with @Preety_India. I myself was in a worse situation than you. I just felt so overwhelmed in front of girls, and always had only boys as my friends. But after doing shadow work and mindfulness, it's not a problem for me now. There are so many ingrained wrong beliefs specially about women still present in the society. And it takes time to get free of that and seeing from an open minded perspective again. There is immense lack of understanding between genders. 

Try to journal your belief system, you will be able to find that so many of them are just irrelevant in the new age. 

Thanks! 

[studentofthegame]

On 12/6/2019 at 8:05 AM, Raptorsin7 said:

I don't find a lot of girls attractive and i feel like I have standards, physically, career/intelligence, and personal development. I feel like i have a lot of superficial dating standards like the one's i listed above, and I don't know how limited they are. I'm afraid that if i date someone i might find someone i like more very soon after, and so it scares me from taking a chance with a girl i'm not sure about because i don't want to her hurt or go through the pain myself. I am social, but i don't have an expanding social net work. It's basically, school and yoga.

If you don't find a lot of girls attractive then i would guess you aren't spending enough time in the right settings. I'm not necessarily speaking about going to an art gallery and looking for a date. You're more likely to meet a girl as a byproduct of developing yourself (not sat in a room contemplating, but getting out of the house and doing different things).

I see a lot of people on this board using intellectual smokescreen to kid themselves and others that they don't want a romantic partner, when actually it's their fear speaking; i'm not suggesting this is the case with you, but be aware of that trap.