Is my father a racist? My white dad made me lose my Native American boyfriend.

[Nahm]

6 hours ago, Stella1976 said:

I am of mixed heritage.

Got that condition in there right out of the gate. 

That’s not true. It’s a belief, upon which all that overthinking hinges. Let limiting identity go, rather than add any more layers upon the truth of your nature, freedom. 

♥️ As a prism, it’s easy to be fooled by colors...and easier not to be. 

[Apparition of Jack]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I don't get the logic. Your father is a white man. He is married to a Puerto Rican woman. How is he racist. If at all, it only proves that he is not racist. 

Racism is a tricky thing, and not really that straightforward IMO. It’s possible to be racist in some contexts and not in others. It’s why people can have friends of other races and then go home and complain about “other races ruining their country.” In this instance they see their friends as human and close relationships, but then see broad ethnic groups as just a vague idea that’s somehow bad for their civilisation.

Its like how there’s a lot of Hispanic Trump voters who want a wall to keep Hispanic migrants out. They themselves might look like and even be related to these migrants, but due to a number of different cultural factors they end up identifying with the dominate, ethno-cultural group they inhabit (and some of the racist ideas this group holds.)

So as for Stella’s father, I’d say it’s possible for him to both marry a Puerto Rican woman and hold discriminatory views against Native Americans. The contexts around each relationship are different, and it’s these relationships that her father’s ego can accept or not accept (marrying someone from a Hispanic US territory vs having his daughter date someone from a discriminated minority that also has a lot of social ills within its own community.)

 

 

[Nickyy]

34 minutes ago, Apparition of Jack said:

Racism is a tricky thing, and not really that straightforward IMO. It’s possible to be racist in some contexts and not in others. It’s why people can have friends of other races and then go home and complain about “other races ruining their country.” 

How do you know that this is what they mean? 

It's multi-CULTRILISM that is proving to be a problem in some ways, not multi-racialism. 

One example is radical islam immigrating to orange / green countries like the UK and then expecting to have self rule 

That's the issue here. It's not that other races ruin a country, it's that the mean green meme are arguing that radical extremists are allowed to have their own way and be exempt from the laws governing a country. 

The states is a little more complex. So I made an example for the UK. 

Yellow would not allow red/blue extremists to self rule because they know that red/blue aren't developed enough to care about the health of the whole system.

Green are only concerned that there groups are being marginalized and dont see any problem with their red/blue values, because to green all values are relative. 

Not so. Some values are clearly more conscious than others 

[Stella1976]

4 hours ago, Nickyy said:

Hi, I think it's a bit of both, your parents were just being who they were (racism is common) and probably did feel concern for you as maybe they both saw some aggression in your ex boyfriend.

It's very difficult to tell what your parents motivations were because we're hearing a second hand account. We're interpreting you, you are interpreting them. So it gets like a game of Chinese whispers. However, I totally understand your concern, sounds like you want to put this all to rest now.

How do you feel about sitting down with both of them and having a conversation about it all? 

My father had thrown a lot of horrible comments at me, saying that I am shaming him for life, and ultimately I had two options .

I could either leave them for good and continue to go about my life my way, but there would be little to no chance of reconciliation as the consequences would be severe , or I could leave my Native American boyfriend (who I really did picture a future with and could see us getting married). So  i gave in and broke up with him in since i didn't want to break my family apart.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I have struggled with that. I still feel like I abandoned him.

[Nickyy]

4 hours ago, Stella1976 said:

My father had thrown a lot of horrible comments at me, saying that I am shaming him for life, and ultimately I had two options .

I could either leave them for good and continue to go about my life my way, but there would be little to no chance of reconciliation as the consequences would be severe , or I could leave my Native American boyfriend (who I really did picture a future with and could see us getting married). So  i gave in and broke up with him in since i didn't want to break my family apart.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I have struggled with that. I still feel like I abandoned him.

Sounds like your parents were very abusive people. Blue (are you familiar with the spiral dynamics concept?) can be healthy or unhealthy. 

I don't think you abandoned anyone. The only person who can "abandon" another is someone who is responsible for another, like a parent or carer of a vulnerable person.

We as adults don't get "abandoned" by others. We're free to do what we want. 

 

[Preety_India]

4 minutes ago, Nickyy said:

Sounds like your parents were very abusive people. Blue (are you familiar with the spiral dynamics concept?) can be healthy or unhealthy. 

I don't think you abandoned anyone. The only person who can "abandon" another is someone who is responsible for another, like a parent or carer of a vulnerable person.

We as adults don't get "abandoned" by others. We're free to do what we want. 

 

What If the person you are in a relationship is someone struggling with a terminal illness. And if you decide to leave them, wouldn't that be like abandoning them.

 

[Nickyy]

23 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

What If the person you are in a relationship is someone struggling with a terminal illness. And if you decide to leave them, wouldn't that be like abandoning them.

 

That's a very good question. 

I don't have the answer.

I don't think many people would have the answer for that to be honest.

I can only speculate on this one because this is something that, thankfully so far, I've never had to face.

It depends on a number of factors. 

But I know one thing, if that's ever the case, it's going to be a real learning experience for the oerson. These problems bring so much deepening. 

[Leo Gura]

9 hours ago, Apparition of Jack said:

Racism is a tricky thing, and not really that straightforward IMO. It’s possible to be racist in some contexts and not in others. It’s why people can have friends of other races and then go home and complain about “other races ruining their country.” In this instance they see their friends as human and close relationships, but then see broad ethnic groups as just a vague idea that’s somehow bad for their civilisation.

Its like how there’s a lot of Hispanic Trump voters who want a wall to keep Hispanic migrants out. They themselves might look like and even be related to these migrants, but due to a number of different cultural factors they end up identifying with the dominate, ethno-cultural group they inhabit (and some of the racist ideas this group holds.)

So as for Stella’s father, I’d say it’s possible for him to both marry a Puerto Rican woman and hold discriminatory views against Native Americans. The contexts around each relationship are different, and it’s these relationships that her father’s ego can accept or not accept (marrying someone from a Hispanic US territory vs having his daughter date someone from a discriminated minority that also has a lot of social ills within its own community.)

This!

Marrying a Puerto Rican woman don't mean shit.

The mind is clever enough to compartmentalize and make such justifications as part of its self-deception.

"Look, I can't be a heartless rich person because I donate money to the poor once a year." Lol. The mind is masterful at such bullshit.

A slave-owner might genuinely tell himself, "How can I be a racist when I have sex with my slaves? And I treat them so well!"

The mind will never accept the label "racist" because it's far too ugly to admit that. So denial all the way to the grave.

[Nickyy]

6 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

This!

Marrying a Puerto Rican woman don't mean shit.

The mind is clever enough to compartmentalize and make such justifications as part of its self-deception.

"Look, I can't be a heartless rich person because I donate money to the poor once a year." Lol. The mind is masterful at such bullshit.

All kinds of scapegoating happens with this self deception programme too.

A  & B have an argument at work, and B gets sacked because A is favourite of the bosses, and is a "trusted" employee and "never" does anything wrong, so B gets all the blame even though A played a role in the conflict.

Happens everywhere with every type of relationship.