Is my father a racist? My white dad made me lose my Native American boyfriend.

[Stella1976]

I am of mixed heritage. My father is Norwegian American and my mother is Puerto Rican. In November 1996 i started dating this Native American guy. He was full blooded Crow from Montana. He was 3 years older than me In March 1997 my dad found out my boyfriend was Native American. He immediately became outraged and upset at me. He told me that i had to stop dating my boyfriend . That i was embarassing myself and my family with my actions. He said my boyfriend wouldn't be able to do anything for me.
My mother asked if she could see a picture of the guy I am dating.

Now, I'm not saying I was... anxious to show a picture of the guy I was dating, but I had a nervous smile the entire time.

The fake smile as she said "Oooooooooh! He seems nice!" made me sick to my stomach. Regardless of how much I already liked him and the great things I said about him, no, all I got out of my mom was warnings. "You know, you gotta be careful! They might just wanna date you because they wanna use you for money!"

"Are you fucking kidding me? He's a fucking person and I'm very fond of him and I'm going to date him and, hopefully, continue to date him because I like him very much. I don't give a fuck what you think about him or what bullshit racist reasons you give me for not dating him, I am -not- concerned about whatever fake bullshit you spew telling me that it's not supposed to happen." I even accused my father of racism, but he just said "How can i be racist? I married a Puerto Rican woman."
.


I didn't listen and continue to date him for about 6 more months. But my mom and dad had stop talking to each other. Me and my dad had stop talking to each other all because of this. So finally in September 1997 i gave in and broke up with him in since i didn't want to break my family apart. .

Maybe it was for the best. This guy my Native American boyfriend was kinda violent with other people. He was physically violent towards white people. He kinda hated white people.He was just angry at white people. He didn't like when people called him “chief". He always said that white people are living on the land that they stole while forcing them to live on reservations that are some of the worst land in the country. He always said that Columbus was a terrible human being and the fact that he is still celebrated should offend anyone living in the United States. He said that Columbus was an imperialist, racist invader who began the conquest of a people and a land. He was not so lucky to have good parents. His mother was abusive, his father was in prison, he grew up very poor.


I mean I’m barely scratching the surface here but based on how he grew up, you’d expect him to be the worst kind of person.
But we had a damn near perfect relationship. Never argued, were always excited to be with each other. He considered me part Native American, because of my Puerto Rican heritage. He always said that Puerto Ricans are Tainos. Often people would make fun of him, use racial slurs towards him, so he fought and beat white guys up at times. After we broke up, in January 1998 he beat up a guy to a pulp, so he spent 6 months in county jail. I felt responsible for that. February 1999 in Omaha Nebraska he was arrested for burglary. He was convicted. He spent 3 years in prison. He got out in February 2002. About 3 years ago i have got in touch with him. We had a conversation on FB. He lives on Crow Indian Reservation , Montana. He is married with Native American woman. They have 4 kids, 3 boys,1 girl. He seemed happy.


It bothered me for such a long time. I blamed my father for racism. But is my father a racist, or he just wanted to protect me? Maybe he wanted to save me from making a bad decision. My dad absolutely hated my Native American boyfriend. He always wanted more for me (and probably a white guy - my husband is white).

Edited December 6, 2019 by Stella1976

[Amit]

The brain of your father is programmed to feel superior, it gives sadistic pleasure to ego to think itself better. At the bigger level society's collective ego also support that, and feel good to think itself better than other races. It also keeps a pressure on other people in the group to converge on the same beliefs. In India, where the race is almost same across the regions, there are exclusions along the lines of religion and castes. 

[Stella1976]

2 hours ago, Amit said:

The brain of your father is programmed to feel superior, it gives sadistic pleasure to ego to think itself better. At the bigger level society's collective ego also support that, and feel good to think itself better than other races. It also keeps a pressure on other people in the group to converge on the same beliefs. In India, where the race is almost same across the regions, there are exclusions along the lines of religion and castes. 

I guess my father is racist/prejudice without realizing it. I guess he is racist and, at the very least, prejudice. I love him and I know he loves me; he's been good to me. He will always mention race when describing a story or someone he met, but especially when there are negative connotations. It's subtle (most of the time), but he takes extra caution around black people. But on the other hand he married my mother a Puerto Rican woman. Also he really gets along with my mother's whole family.

[Amit]

12 minutes ago, Stella1976 said:

guess my father is racist/prejudice without realizing it. I guess he is racist and, at the very least, prejudice. I love him and I know he loves me; he's been good to me. He will always mention race when describing a story or someone he met, but especially when there are negative connotations. It's subtle (most of the time), but he takes extra caution around black people. But on the other hand he married my mother a Puerto Rican woman. Also he really gets along with my mother's whole family

Yeah, sorry previously I just read only your initial paragraphs and judged your father. But after reading it I think we should listen to older people, and pay attention because they have experienced more things (not necessarily) in their life and generally have derived wisdom which we can't even think about because of not going through the tough times like they did. 

 

But anyways you never know how your life might have turned with the native American guy, as it was possible (might be with low probability) for him to transform and make a successful life. 

Edited December 6, 2019 by Amit
Added few lines

[Stella1976]

6 minutes ago, Amit said:

Yeah, sorry previously I just read only your initial paragraphs and judged your father. But after reading it I think we should listen to older people, and pay attention because they have experienced more things (not necessarily) in their life and generally have derived wisdom which we can't even think about because of not going through the tough times like they did. 

 

But anyways you never know how your life might have turned with the native American guy, as it was possible (might be with low probability) for him to transform and make a successful life. 

Maybe my father just wanted the best for me. I was in my early 20s at the time. I broke up with my Native guy because of my dad and it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I have struggled with that. I know I made the right decision in the long run. leaving someone you deeply love is the fucking worst. We did everything together and boom. All ties were cut. I know I did the right thing for me but I still feel like I abandoned him. It's really hard realizing someone just isn't right for you; there's nothing you can do or say to ease the pain of knowing that, on a fundamental level, it won't ever work longterm, but that same knowledge can also be really liberating. My father wasn't overprotective with my Caucasian boyfriends.

[Leo Gura]

Typical Stage Blue parents.

[Preety_India]

Your husband is a white guy right. I'm assuming that your husband who is a white man is a good guy. I don't think you  regret that. 

I have no idea why you would bring up the past about your native American boyfriend but maybe it could be an inner doubt bugging you. 

My point is this. The story you said about your native bf looks awful to me.. I'm sorry but I'm taking the side of your father. Whether you like it or not or if you consider me racist. He was being intelligent and only wanted the best for you. He wanted to protect you. 

Maybe he was right (just being blunt, not trying to blame). Your bf has shown some reprehensible behavior and if I were in your place, I would call quits right away. 

I don't think your father is racist if he is being legitimate. 

I don't get the logic. Your father is a white man. He is married to a Puerto Rican woman. How is he racist. If at all, it only proves that he is not racist. 

Your dad did the right thing imo 

Edited December 6, 2019 by Preety_India

[Amit]

@Preety_India

15 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

My point is this. The story you said about your native bf looks awful to me.. I'm sorry but I'm taking the side of your father. Whether you like it or not or if you consider me racist. He was being intelligent and only wanted the best for you. He wanted to protect you. 

What things you actually found awful about him. It is a known fact that there exists multiple personality types like in myers briggs, and some of them are more compatible with one another. So maybe you call it quit, but he might have been a better match to her. 

[Stella1976]

22 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Your husband is a white guy right. I'm assuming that your husband who is a white man is a good guy. I don't think you  regret that. 

I have no idea why you would bring up the past about your native American boyfriend but maybe it could be an inner doubt bugging you. 

My point is this. The story you said about your native bf looks awful to me.. I'm sorry but I'm taking the side of your father. Whether you like it or not or if you consider me racist. He was being intelligent and only wanted the best for you. He wanted to protect you. 

Maybe he was right (just being blunt, not trying to blame). Your bf has shown some reprehensible behavior and if I were in your place, I would call quits right away. 

I don't think your father is racist if he is being legitimate. 

I don't get the logic. Your father is a white man. He is married to a Puerto Rican woman. How is he racist. If at all, it only proves that he is not racist. 

Your dad did the right thing imo 

I broke up with him in since i didn't want to break my family apart.  I was in my early 20s at the time. I broke up with my Indian guy because of my dad and it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I have struggled with that.

[Preety_India]

6 minutes ago, Amit said:

@Preety_India

What things you actually found awful about him. It is a known fact that there exists multiple personality types like in myers briggs, and some of them are more compatible with one another. So maybe you call it quit, but he might have been a better match to her. 

Did you forget the part that he was violent and had multiple arrests or did you just skim over that part? 

 

[Amit]

16 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Did you forget the part that he was violent and had multiple arrests or did you just skim over that part? 

@Preety_India, no, I have not skimmed that but you need violence some times, and getting arrested can be for good reasons, like fighting for what is right. Anyways, he seems to me a stage red-blue person, and there was huge potential to speedy evolution there as surrounding society is at orange. 

[Nickyy]

5 hours ago, Stella1976 said:

I am of mixed heritage. My father is Norwegian American and my mother is Puerto Rican. In November 1996 i started dating this Native American guy. He was full blooded Crow from Montana. He was 3 years older than me In March 1997 my dad found out my boyfriend was Native American. He immediately became outraged and upset at me. He told me that i had to stop dating my boyfriend . That i was embarassing myself and my family with my actions. He said my boyfriend wouldn't be able to do anything for me.
My mother asked if she could see a picture of the guy I am dating.

Now, I'm not saying I was... anxious to show a picture of the guy I was dating, but I had a nervous smile the entire time.

The fake smile as she said "Oooooooooh! He seems nice!" made me sick to my stomach. Regardless of how much I already liked him and the great things I said about him, no, all I got out of my mom was warnings. "You know, you gotta be careful! They might just wanna date you because they wanna use you for money!"

"Are you fucking kidding me? He's a fucking person and I'm very fond of him and I'm going to date him and, hopefully, continue to date him because I like him very much. I don't give a fuck what you think about him or what bullshit racist reasons you give me for not dating him, I am -not- concerned about whatever fake bullshit you spew telling me that it's not supposed to happen." I even accused my father of racism, but he just said "How can i be racist? I married a Puerto Rican woman."
.


I didn't listen and continue to date him for about 6 more months. But my mom and dad had stop talking to each other. Me and my dad had stop talking to each other all because of this. So finally in September 1997 i gave in and broke up with him in since i didn't want to break my family apart. .

Maybe it was for the best. This guy my Native American boyfriend was kinda violent with other people. He was physically violent towards white people. He kinda hated white people.He was just angry at white people. He didn't like when people called him “chief". He always said that white people are living on the land that they stole while forcing them to live on reservations that are some of the worst land in the country. He always said that Columbus was a terrible human being and the fact that he is still celebrated should offend anyone living in the United States. He said that Columbus was an imperialist, racist invader who began the conquest of a people and a land. He was not so lucky to have good parents. His mother was abusive, his father was in prison, he grew up very poor.


I mean I’m barely scratching the surface here but based on how he grew up, you’d expect him to be the worst kind of person.
But we had a damn near perfect relationship. Never argued, were always excited to be with each other. He considered me part Native American, because of my Puerto Rican heritage. He always said that Puerto Ricans are Tainos. Often people would make fun of him, use racial slurs towards him, so he fought and beat white guys up at times. After we broke up, in January 1998 he beat up a guy to a pulp, so he spent 6 months in county jail. I felt responsible for that. February 1999 in Omaha Nebraska he was arrested for burglary. He was convicted. He spent 3 years in prison. He got out in February 2002. About 3 years ago i have got in touch with him. We had a conversation on FB. He lives on Crow Indian Reservation , Montana. He is married with Native American woman. They have 4 kids, 3 boys,1 girl. He seemed happy.


It bothered me for such a long time. I blamed my father for racism. But is my father a racist, or he just wanted to protect me? Maybe he wanted to save me from making a bad decision. My dad absolutely hated my Native American boyfriend. He always wanted more for me (and probably a white guy - my husband is white).

Hi, I think it's a bit of both, your parents were just being who they were (racism is common) and probably did feel concern for you as maybe they both saw some aggression in your ex boyfriend.

It's very difficult to tell what your parents motivations were because we're hearing a second hand account. We're interpreting you, you are interpreting them. So it gets like a game of Chinese whispers. However, I totally understand your concern, sounds like you want to put this all to rest now.

How do you feel about sitting down with both of them and having a conversation about it all? 

Edited December 6, 2019 by Nickyy

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Amit said:

@Preety_India, no, I have not skimmed that but you need violence some times, and getting arrested can be for good reasons, like fighting for what is right. Anyways, he seems to me a stage red-blue person, and there was huge potential to speedy evolution there as surrounding society is at orange. 

Getting arrested can be for good reasons? 

“he beat up a guy to a pulp, so he spent 6 months in county jail. I felt responsible for that. February 1999 in Omaha Nebraska he was arrested for burglary. He was convicted. He spent 3 years in prison. He got out in February 2002.“

So I guess in your opinion, burglary is also for good reasons. 

I'm sorry but I'm not the type who rationalizes bad behavior. 

But good for you if you have reached that stage of spirituality 

 

[Nickyy]

30 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Getting arrested can be for good reasons? 

“he beat up a guy to a pulp, so he spent 6 months in county jail. I felt responsible for that. February 1999 in Omaha Nebraska he was arrested for burglary. He was convicted. He spent 3 years in prison. He got out in February 2002.“

So I guess in your opinion, burglary is also for good reasons. 

I'm sorry but I'm not the type who rationalizes bad behavior. 

But good for you if you have reached that stage of spirituality 

 

Violence in this context isn't good. It's only high level spirituality if the violence is acted out in order to save a life. For example you had to defend yourself against an intruder in the night.

 

[Amit]

37 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

So I guess in your opinion, burglary is also for good reasons. 

actually skimmed this part, apologies

[Amit]

38 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I'm sorry but I'm not the type who rationalizes bad behavior. 

and for me, good/bad ceased to exist, the day I learned spiral dynamics

40 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

But good for you if you have reached that stage of spirituality 

No, I am nowhere near that level, it's not that easy

[Preety_India]

8 minutes ago, Nickyy said:

Violence in this context isn't good. It's only high level spirituality if the violence is acted out in order to save a life. For example you had to defend yourself against an intruder in the night.

 

That's not violence, that's Kali.. 

Go become Kali 

 

 

[Amit]

3 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

That's not violence, that's Kali.. 

Go become Kali 

why that is not violence?

[Preety_India]

9 minutes ago, Amit said:

why that is not violence?

It's self defense and protecting the innocent from the wicked. 

This is going off topic so I won't comment more on this thread. 

Adieu 

[Nickyy]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

It's self defense and protecting the innocent from the wicked. 

This is going off topic so I won't comment more on this thread. 

Adieu 

Innocent and wicked are a bit basic. No such thing, but I get your point.