Walking In A Spider's Web.

[CalamityJane]

Ok - I've lurked on this site for many months now; and I've listened to countless hours of Leo.... I have most definitely grown up a lot, but I want more. So, I'm going to attempt to journal here. I'm going to introduce myself (to myself - because I need the reminder of how far I've come already, but also because I can't imagine who else would read this BUT me)

My whole life, up until about a two years ago was basically numbingly simple and outwardly perfect:

I grew up in the suburbs - was a swimmer and on the cross country team.  My family of six ate dinner around a big table nearly every night. Summers at the lake, fake I.D.'s; then college, marriage at 22, grad school, big house, vacations, four kids and now it's Now.  Now is not good. Now is scary and untethered.

My goals are:

Continue to meditate. Meditation alone has changed my reactions to, not only adversity but also the little wonderful moments I used to miss.

To not just listen, but take notes and journal on Leo's videos and other readings. 

To continue making real friends. I'm excellent at acquiring surface acquaintances - not necessarily genuine friends.

To take what I've read and heard and actually implement it daily to improve self esteem

    -my self esteem is in the toilet. (marrying too young, 25 years of it with four kids will have that affect if one is not careful to stay true to self)

Somehow figure out how to be a good mom still - but also have my own life. 

Somehow figure out if this marriage is salvageable - I could stick it out for the kids - but self-actualization and peace would be put on hold for twelve more years.

 

Anyway, clearly I'm floundering in the "I don't know" cave!  Luckily I'm an ENFP (which I don't really buy into except that I fit every description so perfectly it's just creepy!) So, while my basic personality is perpetually unperturbed; I'd like to create a peaceful space for my self and I'm going to need help to do it. 

Off 'till later. 

   

 

 

 

 

 

[99th_monkey]

Hi there, what is an ENFP? 

[CalamityJane]

Hi!

An ENFP is just a bunch of letters - but according to a test called the, "Myers-Briggs Type Indicator",  (MBTI - used in businesses and colleges and by a lot of psychologists)  it stands for: Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling, & Perceptive. ( or... mildly extroverted, happy-go-lucky, monkey minded, artistic & best bud to all, often mistaken for being childish) Think:  Sponge Bob or Tigger or Kramer .... but I do pay bills and I'm not a complete idiot - I do have "deep" moments -  but I can eat a popsicle while contemplating the meaning of life. 

 I think it's based on Jung. I actually don't put that much stock in it - but I've taken the two hour test because it was required - and I've taken the online quickies too..... always ENFP. Always. Then when I read the descriptions of how ENFP is explained... yup, yup and yup!   In my - absolutely know nothing- mind, it is only slightly more accurate than reading ones horoscope...... but then, what do I know!? Just a fun thing to mess with. 

Thanks for asking. I needed a diversion so badly this morning; even from a stranger from across the globe. 

 

Edited June 9, 2016 by CalamityJane
had to add a colon :D.... would have thought about it all day otherwise.

[99th_monkey]

diversion from what ?

[CalamityJane]

Ok Me..

The decision was made for you. He left for the third time in 7 months last night.  That's the last time. Don't you dare beg him in a text.

 (Not begging was easier in the 80's when communication choices were: a phone attached to the wall, a written letter or a knock on their door. All of which required time and therefore more presence of mind.) 

I wrote to myself very eloquently about an hour ago - but I guess I failed to save it and officially post it. Dang. Many failures lately!

Whatever. 

The point is: after 25 years and four great kids - he left us again. What the hell?  I'm fun, smart, thin, I don't shop, I loved him... why would he leave 25 years, time with his kids, the houses HE wanted, half of his money (probably more since I was there for all of his med. school) .... for what? What was so bad?  Something was. What if I'm a horrible bitch and I don't know it?  

I have to go through this pain again. AGAIN. 

I't amazing how physical the pain of grieving and fear is. It's located somewhere between my lower spine and solar plexus. If I feed it by: looking at his photo or reading my sweet birthday card (given only weeks ago!) then the pain grows up to my shoulders.  It's fascinating the way it is both burning hot and ice cold at the same time. 

I can't breathe. 

[99th_monkey]

Can you see the loop here?

[CalamityJane]

Evidently not.

[99th_monkey]

life is very obvious, "you"s and "me"s are very subtle. whats the most obvious in your life?

[CalamityJane]

Fear.

That's mighty obvious. I have a lot of concern as to whether I can be an adult through this new reality. (Divorce)  This is embarrassing to admit - but since I'll never meet anyone from this site - and since it's all about being truthful... I'll admit that I have always, in all 47 years, always been taken care of by someone. I don't think I ever grew up. Oh - I went to college, to grad school and had a job for a while before 4 kids... but it was all on someone else's bill and I never felt like I was untethered or alone. Now I do!

Leo's latest two videos on being a victim are particularly poignant for me right now. Grow the fuck up!  That's what I need to do.

The fear I feel is based on .... umm... it's based on this attachment I have to this image of myself that I and others have - but it's unreal.  That image of me is fake because it's a compilation of all the shit that has happened; and in my case, didn't happen. For example; if I get hit by a bus tomorrow I will have lived exactly none of my life authentically. I've been a chameleon my whole life. I just take and take from others - I think I kept having kids so that I'd be "too busy" to be alone with the thought, "now what?". I need to learn how to struggle and to do it with a semblance of grace.

(.... see how I did that? I stole the bus quote from someone on here... who could it be?? ha.)

 

[99th_monkey]

you build a life around you to support the image of "you" and to feel safe in your nice little castle of life. to never look outside and smell the big scary roses.

we all do it. some people wake up to it. most people dont. and you need help in order to do it. sometimes its another person, somtimes its a thought that is like a spark that ignites a fire, or anything. Grace, God, Steve from accounting, whatever. 

the scary part is when the walls of your castle are seen they start to disappear because they are imaginary (part of growing up *wink wink*) and mind panics. 

  

[99th_monkey]

54 minutes ago, CalamityJane said:

(.... see how I did that? I stole the bus quote from someone on here... who could it be?? ha.)

that person must be a god damn genius 

[CalamityJane]

After a great mountain bike ride - and visiting eldest daughter at her internship - I realized I'd have done neither of those things if he were still around.

Ahhhhhh - such peace today! 

Looked up classes to possibly take.  Checked out my personalities match with jobs. WHY is it everything that my personality will supposedly excel at makes zero money? Teaching.... artist.... ?   I'll be on the street corner in a year.  

I Did mediate for 30 - everything itched at first. Stupid Cat bird never ever shuts up - sings the whole fucking night too.... very un-Buddhist to wish it a quick death. Got into it pretty quick though - cat bird became like a mantra. Colors are so bright after mediating.  I mediated on, "right speech", "right action" and "right thoughts". Excellent for what is happening currently. 

Now - if I can just eat. Every time he leaves, I forget to eat. 

Pleasant day over all and only 2 people told me that I look like Meredith Baxter Birney....... 

[CalamityJane]

G'morning "Me" - talking ape on this spinning, orbiting rock in space!

 Kids are all asleep still.

-planning on meditating in a moment - but I've been reading some of the Journals on this site. I wonder if anyone else is attempting to self-actualize while raising four kids practically alone. (He left in Aug. then in Oct. and then two nights ago) So - It's essentially been since last summer that I've been doing the solo mom thing. Even before that - he works non stop, so is rarely home. When he was home, his time was used for driving kids around or riding his bike. He's a good dad - when available.

I won't use this as an excuse - I've seen that Leo video already!  Today before I really 'get gone' in meditating; I'll think on WHO I AM. This seems pathetic, that after 47 years, I would not have a clear view of myself. I think the last time I was authentic was just before puberty - after that, it was all about boys and mean girls and creepy pedophiliac cross country coaches and my parents splitting up and 2 controlling boy friends then a controlling husband then kids then mean moms at private schools ..... and now. 

I'm not Buddhist - but I believe the attachments (seems to a Buddhist concept) I have are the layers of goo that I feel have covered me up (suffocated "me") since I was 12. 

I realize the "no self" or "there is no I" level of actualization is eons away from me. I'm not even going to attempt to pretend to be there yet. First one needs to peel off the fatty goo the "I"  placed there with every false story it told itself. Only then can I see the "I" and displace it too.  

-Not there yet though. 

Here are your attachments - then quit writing and get on that cushion!

1) Pleasing people. I love making even strangers smile. But while the joy I take in it is real; the "me" they see is fake. I'm a freakishly quick study of people and can be whatever they need. (written down like that it sounds like a mental illness - geesh!)

2) Youth. This one sucks because mine is waning. I am not a botoxed woman, but all my "friends" are. 

3) Sugar.  

4) Attention. I fall to pieces if I'm not seen. I feel like I'm fading away if I don't get it enough.   !! I think that's a BIG ONE. whoa.

 

 

[CalamityJane]

Stats:

Self- Actualisation work: 7 months.  ( I know how to spell, but the last letter in the alphabet stopped working on my keyboard!! And spellcheck didn't pick up on it....)

Meditation: day 15: going well. Have has some moments when times kinda folds in on itself. I don't noticed it passing. Have accidentally made it up to 40 minutes at times.

What Im actually doing about my path: 

1) Watching Leo's videos and taking notes - not just letting it slip in and out of my head.

2) Weading some journals on this site so I don't feel alone in this! (I live in the wealthy southern, bible belt, suburbs and NO ONE is with me - they're all shopping at Vinyard Vine.....ha ha)

3) Continuing to trail run.... copperheads are everywhere this summer though - makes it more exciting! 

4) Writing in this journal - and my divorce journal also - NOT playing the victim though. 

5) Getting my shit together: lawyers. (a necessary evil at this point)

6) Eating well - I always have really - I figure this body is the only one my mind can travel around in.... so.

7) Meditating - I'm still amazed (oh! spell check fixed that missing letter  ) that I seem "good" at meditating - I never used to be able to sit still - it was always a family joke how much energy I have. Its one reason why church never worked for me - too much sitting and listening. 

8) When ex comes around - I'm not mean or nice or affected. I'm "just the facts Jack" neutral. 

9) I am not tempted to go running for a date. I'm off of "men" for now - maybe for always. This I'm very proud of - as I've always had a boyfriend or spouse. I'm just working on myself right now; and it's going to take a while. 

10) Still managing to be a good, attentive mom. All four kids are getting to where they need to be on time with having eaten! I have time for my six year old too - have scheduled playdates etc.....   

Questions: I seem to naturally veer toward a mantra - in my mind, not out loud. It's total nonsense, but it seems to happen spontaneously at the start of meditation and then quiet or dissipate after 10 minutes I guess - picking back up if I veer off to ....whatever. Is that TM?  Is TM better than other forms of meditation. Or is that like asking: which kind of book is better for me to read?  (well. whatever works for you of course!)

And - should I seek a meditation mentor? Or is that overthinking it? Just do it.. Just keep swimming?

 

 

[DJ]

On 6/15/2016 at 7:14 AM, CalamityJane said:

whatever works for you of course!

This.

On 6/15/2016 at 7:14 AM, CalamityJane said:

should I seek a meditation mentor?

If you can find one that works for you, sure. Just try to find like minded people who meditate and talk with them. There are meditation groups on meetup that I attend, you should look there. Group meditation is great and Its nice to discuss and hear everyone's personal practices.

I have found that just because someone meditates, that doesn't mean that they are self actualizing or into personal development though.

 

Your on the right path! Im actually curious as to how this journal will read in the future. I'm sure you will look back at this moment and realize how difficult, but necessary it was.

[CalamityJane]

Gads! How to meditate with the four giant humans I created constantly in my space. The six year old is in my bedroom - the 15 year old fell asleep in the family room last night....(must snag his phone and check for porn.....) My 17 year old is already up and messing up the kitchen and the 13 year old is yelling at her and holding her terrified hamster at the same time....

No peace. But I love them.

Ex is looking for a house today and will soon take them for days at a time. So much fear in me over that inevitability. Being with their dad is good for them and good for me, my head knows this but my heart is 9 years old still and is scared.  And it all hurts.

Sometimes I feel like jumping up and down, throwing expensive things and screaming: "What did I do?! Why couldn't you keep your dick in your pants?! I'm cute! Your ego just ruined 6 lives - not to mention our parents.....you idiot!"  but I sit still instead - think of the anger as a hill to go UP and float down the other side and leave it behind. Anyway, I know what I did. I lost me. 

Right now, I'm super fake to my kids about the Ex. I act like it's all okay - like this was mutual - like I'm fine seeing them leave for time with him.  I think that showing them how I really feel (fucking terrified and anxious) would be detrimental to their relationships with me, with their dad and with their significant others as they mature. My fear and anxiety over this is immature and do not want them to see it or feel it. 

So, I meditate today (or will after coffee) about where that fear comes from. Again - it's attachments, it always is. 

Fears today:

1- They will have more fun with their dad  or they will respect him more. 

2- I will lose part of my 'mom' identity as they spend more time away from me - if not a mom, then what am I?! Nothing yet.

3-I will HAVE to get to know myself  - OMG

4-Men..... too early, and would be a terrible distraction right now. My goal is to not date at all until I can feel satisfied not dating ever. To not

    be with a man until I'm totally fine NEVER being with one again. Maybe a mumu would help - a burka - hijab? Maybe a dummy ring?

 ---------Enough of that! 

Good things:

1-I have done well meditating: 30 to 40 min. I'd like to add a second time at the end of the day.

2-I am intrinsically happy. Not sure why or where it comes from, but I do enjoy life.

3- got all my financial shit for the separation hearing done - on time and organized. 

4- my mom leaves for Ohio in two days.... she is basically my 5th child. I love her, but I need a break.

5-signed up for a TM (transcendental Meditation) seminar close by on the 21st. Will have to make sure it's not a scam..... or simply unnecessary. 

6-The mockingbird that sings the whole night seems to have moved on.... or died!!! It was copying car alarms and trucks backing up. OMG.

 

  

 

[99th_monkey]

They're not your kids bud