Loving a combat vet who is an alcoholic with raging PTSD *LONG POST*

[CelticQueen17]

 I dated a man that my older sister went to school with on and off for about 18 months. When it was good it was *amazing* it had an almost magical quality to it. When it was just him and I and he was sober. We were intensely attracted to one another. 

He had PTSD from truly horrible experiences in the Marines in the Conflicts from 89-91. 
It seemed like at times it was well managed then he’d get depressed and begin drinking and become another person... he always sought help which gave me hope. He’d usually begin drinking a few days after detox. I finally convinced him to go to a Civilian Rehab and he came out, and stayed sober except for medical marijuana which helped his PTSD and alcohol addiction tremendously. 

Life’s stressors made things between us tough  but had never been more beautiful...we were in a Love that I never thought was attainable & I am 44 and have had 4 serious relationships including a marriage. 

Although we both thought we’d never marry again, he asked me to marry him and we moved into a new house!  He literally came to our rescue I had to move after 11 years ( My Amish Landlord gave the house to family) I was given 30 days!! 

So he helped the best that he could with organizing what was going to be moved and helped get rid of all the old furniture and junk we had accumulated.
It was a huge job and I helped for hours each night after work  

He relapsed on Veterans Day .... by November 16 he was drinking each day. The worst thing for his PTSD in the long term. 

I gave him space. I figured he was stressed and depressed and we’d tackle it once we were settled. We had a plan we developed when he was sober. We began to argue. He was verbally abusive and it triggered the same in me! Not my character, at all but it happened in every argument when he drank. 

After appearing intensely unhappy & agitated for 2 days & spending 24 hours in bed... He began a normal but intense lecture to my 13 year old son about not helping, when my son answered defiantly I corrected him not to speak to him disrespectfully. I offers to take the kids out of the house for the night.  

He then grabbed my son  around his neck and held him in the air and swung him into the driveway!!! Then mocked my son and started to block me from leaving. I was scared my son was trying to come back in to save me and my 16 year old daughter was spared the violence but heard the whole thing.

I left without even grabbing my keys he gave me a spare... odd like he had a moment of clarity. My kids were hysterical and crying.

I had to file a police report from my sisters house and after reading the reports he was arrested for Assault Strangulation. He bailed himself out and I had to go get a PFA the next day, missing work...work is critical especially now that I pay $3k in bills a month alone. 

It’s not the finances though, money comes & goes...I go from loving this man with my whole being to not being able to see him again because of what he did and is obviously capable of! 

Thanks for reading

 my question is....

How do I even wrap my head around loving someone who’s a dangerous and abusive. He had slapped & shoved be before during fights but that was provoked and I should have walked away. 

My son is fine and I feel he is so smart that he provoked Joe for weeks in order to expose that he could “lose it”. Of course  my children are my first priority and that is NO excuse. 

What is life doing ?? What is it mirroring?? 

Does Love Conquer? 

Edited December 5, 2019 by CelticQueen17
Misspelling.

[Dumuzzi]

Hi Celtic Queen, 

It is a typical example of the selfish gene in action.

It may be bad for you as an individual to go out with a man like that, who is obviously dangerous, but it is good for the survival of your genes, because any offspring that might come from a relationship like that will be stronger and more aggressive. Your genes are basically driving you to be attracted to men like that, but if you recognise this instinctual drive consciously, you can override your instincts and choose a man based on higher, spiritual principles.

[CelticQueen17]

Wow, I never thought of that. Thank you. We both have children that are extremely resilient. We are too old but we joked that our child would have been amazing. 
 

 I appreciate your insight! 

[Preety_India]

Seems dangerous to me 

 

 

[CelticQueen17]

Yes. I would never choose a man like this for a friend or my daughter! ...Or really anyone. I think he is incapable of the skills you have to have to be in a relationship. I unfortunately was blind & loved him anyway. 

Edited December 5, 2019 by CelticQueen17
Mistake

[Preety_India]

Like they say love is blind. I also fell for an abusive guy not long ago but finally got freedom. Now much better.... 

 

Love to all

 

 

 

[DrewNows]

@CelticQueen17 it seems you would benefit from taking a break, alone time to take a step back from yourself and the relationship. To take a step back means an objective view of yourself with/out judgement, to understand your attraction and how you’d like to go about implementing healthy boundaries for a safe relationship in the future.

Generally the aspect of him you feel is irresistible tends to be the shadow aspect of yourself you’ve yet to integrate 

Get you and your children safe first and foremost, but don’t neglect the inner work! I recommend the.holistic.psychologist on insta and youtube for guidance! 

Edited December 5, 2019 by DrewNows

[Leo Gura]

Common story.

Love in this case means to move on and not hold any grudges.