I don’t understand why I’m so chill

[Meditationdude]

2019 has been one of the most emotionally challenging years of my life (I’m 33). The thing is though is I’m totally fine. 5 years ago (before I started self actualizing and waking up) I would have been crippled anxious and depressed but I’m emotionally just fine, very happy actually.
 

My point is, is sometimes I feel like I turned into a psychopath. I know this isn’t true because I’m very empathetic and kind and caring about others but things just don’t affect me the same way they used to. I know this is a good thing but I can’t help but wonder if my girlfriend, friends and family think I’m some emotionally handicapped person who doesn’t react to things they way most people do.
 

It’s like I’m too understanding and open that life flows without resistance and I can filter out ego on the fly with no effort. 
 

I realize this isn’t a question, I’m just wondering if people can resonate with me here? 

[The Awakened Viking]

Maybe you've gone up a meta level or two, and is not as easily tricked as before.

In distress there is the suffering right there, and then there is all the bullshit we project on in afterwards that can amplify the suffering to infinity, but you don't spiral into it anymore.

I had complex type PTSD from my childhood, but then died on psychedelics, and the network of thoughts that made up much of the PTSD dissolved, and even though I remember all the trauma and darkness, I can't take it seriously anymore as I did before, even if i try. Now I'm too present to fall into the illusion, and even though I can bring back a bad memory and observe it in my mind, it's not any more distressing than a sad movie that stops being sad when the movie itself ends.

I can still cry, but then we're talking hardcore stuff like World War 2 documentaries. Or maybe finally seeing people who have crawled out of the mud get what they deserve after years and years of hard work. Or when the absurdity of existence truly hits me on a deeper level, not what it is, but just that existence exist

[ADD]

Did you  notice one turning point from anxiety to calmness or was it more of a gradual change over the time to your current state?

[inFlow]

Same here. I started to live the life from no-self. At first it can be scary for the same reason your loved ones not understanding you, seeing you as "weird". It's normal. Live your OWN life, not theirs, be authentic and be proud the way you are. Don't be something else just to please others. BE YOU! Don't close the throat chakra, speak what you really want to speak, but understand that people need to be met at their own consciousness level, so just accept they are not in-line with your understanding and your world view. If they don't accept you it's only their problem, not yours.

[Meditationdude]

@ADD gradual - it really started being noticeable 3 years into serious meditation. I guess one way to describe what I’m experiencing is an overwhelming awareness of ego at all times and I can’t turn it off. Life just seems humorous. 

[ADD]

I can relate to that as i experience it occasionally but cant yet keep it at all times. How often and much do you meditate? My meditation habit has always been on/off. But i bring myself to the "now" during the normal daily activities several times a day.

[Meditationdude]

@ADD I meditate daily, no less then 30 minutes up to 2 hours. 10ish shroom trips, one 30 day solo travel retreat. I’ve missed maybe 3 days of meditation in the last 4 years. 

[cetus]

1 hour ago, Meditationdude said:

The thing is though is I’m totally fine. 5 years ago (before I started self actualizing and waking up) I would have been crippled anxious and depressed but I’m emotionally just fine, very happy actually.

 

1 hour ago, Meditationdude said:

I know this is a good thing but I can’t help but wonder if my girlfriend, friends and family think I’m some emotionally handicapped person who doesn’t react to things they way most people do.

The topic heading is a bit deceiving because what you're really saying is  'Others don't understand why I'm so chill'

Maybe they don't see it as being "Chill". The circumstances surrounding this are a factor.  -not that I need to know.

[ADD]

2 hours ago, Meditationdude said:

@ADD I meditate daily, no less then 30 minutes up to 2 hours. 10ish shroom trips, one 30 day solo travel retreat. I’ve missed maybe 3 days of meditation in the last 4 years. 

Ok thank you. You have great discipline!

[Raptorsin7]

@Meditationdude I think everything you have described is overwhelmingly positive, and now you're looking for reasons to doubt yourself because it's too good to be true. Let go of this thought story, over and over again. Start trying to live without the thoughts and stories you tell yourself. Slowly, but surely just be.

[ardacigin]

4 hours ago, Meditationdude said:

2019 has been one of the most emotionally challenging years of my life (I’m 33). The thing is though is I’m totally fine. 5 years ago (before I started self actualizing and waking up) I would have been crippled anxious and depressed but I’m emotionally just fine, very happy actually.
 

My point is, is sometimes I feel like I turned into a psychopath. I know this isn’t true because I’m very empathetic and kind and caring about others but things just don’t affect me the same way they used to. I know this is a good thing but I can’t help but wonder if my girlfriend, friends and family think I’m some emotionally handicapped person who doesn’t react to things they way most people do.
 

It’s like I’m too understanding and open that life flows without resistance and I can filter out ego on the fly with no effort. 
 

I realize this isn’t a question, I’m just wondering if people can resonate with me here? 

I can understand this. I've had a talk with my mother a few days ago and she said that I was 'unusually mellow' emotionally and said that it was unnatural. Especially after radical meditative joy development 2 months ago, my happiness levels just went 100 times higher than it originally was. And I was a relatively chill  but neurotic person prior to meditative joy.

All kinds of stressful events are going on and I'm smiling and cracking jokes. It definitely feels weird at first. But once you realize how neurotic the alternative is, you learn to downplay the happiness in certain social circumstances and just keep practicing with diligence. People get used to it and even start to get impressed by your emotional mastery.

Also, this happiness facilitates care love and compassion towards other people. So you don't laugh at people when you see them struggling. You are in a state of joy combined with caring compassion. So, you go and help them out. But you don't suffer emotionally.

Edited December 4, 2019 by ardacigin