All My Thoughts

[Raptorsin7]

This song is making me feel so fucking inspired right now it's insane. I have it blasting on repeat. I've had these feelings before a few years ago when i came out of a year long depressive episode. It feels like i'm getting high listening to the music.

I really wonder what's going on here. Is it because i did the float tank today so i'm more relaxed and the music can access me easier? I wonder what else would get me feeling so fired up? This reminds of hypo-mania. I've read that some people just live in this elevated, hypo-manic, state for their entire lives. This feels like an upgrade of my experience. But last time i had this feeling i lost it. But i also had 0 conceptual understanding of reality and self actualization like I do now. I will not lose my progress this time. Or i will but it will be different. I'm pumped.

I'm going to dominate these games tonight. I can feel it. 

[Raptorsin7]

My thoughts:

• I feel so bad about losing the game tonight. I fucking let everyone down. And i fucking screamed at the other team like a jackass. But they seemed ok after about it which is good, and they ended up winning the finals so good for them. I need to control my aggression way better than i've been doing recently. I have been way to confrontational recently because i've been feeling better and have had more energy.
• I did not play my best all... I did not get into the zone... I did not play smart. It honestly sucks. But this is motivation to keep trying to be a better person. I lost the game.... But i want to win the game of life.
• I have my exams coming up. Uhhhh. I am not prepared at all and i just want them to be over. I literally don't care about them at all. They are not help not hurt, which means if i do better in the spring semester on those finals then these exams won't even count. I'm really only worried about the embarrassment of getting a terrible mark. Sigh... such a mess with this stuff.
• I have a lot of emotional resistance around getting a girlfriend i've been noticing. Part me thinks it will be fun. But then i always come back to these threads about love, and the consensus seems to be that egoic/romantic love is nothing compared to the truth and god's love. So what is the point of a relationship? What if i change as a person too? I am literally trying to get fucking enlightened, how is that going to uproot the entire relationship, if i get one... I think i need to meet the right person. I know there is someone out there that is right for me. But i need to be better.
• It's time for me to evolve. No more bullshit. No more childish games and stupid excuses for my circumstances. I have always laughed off the parts of me that i'm ashamed of. I don't work hard. I'm lazy. I'm not loving. I'm not social. I'm not disciplined. I just brushed it all of. I'm smart, rich, and good looking. That's what i would tell myself to make myself feel better. It's time to put aside the child. Time to grow up. It's time to enter the world and start making a difference. It starts with me. 
• I haven't felt a sadness like this in a while. That's a sign i'm not living. Emotions are a good thing. I want to experience a range of emotions. Life's not all sunshine and roses and that's perfectly fine. 
• Man i really wish we won that championship. Next season will be different. I'm growing a lot. I will be ready. I will make it up to my teammates and myself.

[Raptorsin7]

My thoughts:

• I went out last with some friends from school after we finished our first exam. I had a lot of fun. It made me not want to leave law school because my classmates are so fun to be around. I also recognize some social anxiety worries. I don't want to get too close to anyone because I need my spare time to pursue self actualization and spirituality, but at the same i want to be liked and accepted as one of the guys. I try to be as open as possible in the social interactions, and i'm getting really good at not saying anything and just letting the conversation develop on it's own. I used to just blurt out random things sometimes because i felt like i hadn't talked in a while, but being quiet and engaged is great. People feel like you're listening to them and it makes them happy, and i'm happy because I just want to socialize and experience the situation to the best of it's ability.
• I made one comment which i kind of regret. In my school people have a joke that our friend group is the "bros" because we all like sports and our group is all guys. There was one other girl who was out with us, she seemed really chill and not the type of person who is bothered by petty jokes/comments. But when my friends asked what you call the group of girls that hang out together, if we're the "bros" then what do you call the girl group, i said sluts lol. Everyone thought it was hilarious but i know that people could be offended. My school is very stage green, progressive so those comments can rub people the wrong way. I gotta be careful, i definitely have some sexist tendencies in me and it makes me look bad. Caring too much about the opinions of other is not good, but is reputation a real thing? I don't know about how to balance not giving a fuck with maintaining a reputation.
•  I have 5 exams left and I need to study every day until exams are over. I need to spend at least 3 hours per day everyday until exams are over. I don't care too much about my grades, but i also don't want a complete shit mark. Discipline will be huge over the next few weeks. I know i can do it.
• I had a nightmare last night. I don't know if it's because i went out drinking and I masterbated last night, so maybe that's bad kharma who knows... But i was arguing with my friend and there were some other issues throughout the dream. But then i remember at the end of the dream i was feeling pretty good in my apartment, and then i saw some little kid fall off his balcony to his death. I've never had a panic attack, but the feeling that came over felt like sheer terror. I can still feel it a bit if i think about it. Then when i woke up i thought i saw some demon/entity in my apartment, and i yelled let's fucking go like i was going to fight it. So crazy, i wonder what my neighbors thought? I feel good though because I wasn't that scared after i woke up. My mind was pretty active, but i calmed down right away. I wonder if i have to face that terror on my path to awakening. I would prefer not too, but if i have to i'm pretty sure i can handle it.
• I've noticed a lot of people on this forum are going through a predictable pattern. They start as hardcore seekers of enlightenment, then they meditate a lot, do psych's, and then achieve some profound insights. But then they are forced to re-enter the real world after all those experiences, so they all come full circle. I think that's why it's important to maintain balance on the path. Don't sacrifice everything on the path to freedom, because at some point you will have to re-enter the world. And your past actions will matter. I'm still not sure on this point, i think a lot of people here are deluded and don't know how to optimially pursue enlightenment work. My self included lmao.

[zeroISinfinity]

You can't solve problem with same mind which created it. ?

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Hey thanks for checking out my thread. I know. But I feel like it's good for me to be as open as authentic as I can be on this forum and this is a great start. @modmyth said she feels better after she dumps her mind onto a journal and feels lighter after. I'm basically trying the same thing, just laying it all out there. 

Everything must be let go of eventually. 

[Raptorsin7]

My thoughts:

I think i think too much. My mind is always going on all day. I can see some of the stories in my mind that make me unhappy during my meditation. Like i'm worried about a phone call with my uncle about why i'm not happy in law school. It does not make me feel good. But then I think the narrative of my life could so easily be viewed as positive. It's all a matter of perspective. Life is so deep and complex, everything that I think will make me happy could be what leads to misery for someone else. Everything I want comes with a requirement that I will feel good when i get it. When i'm financially free and i'm enlightened THEN i will be happy and stop seeking. But i don't have to seek at all. Right now is perfect. I just can't see it yet. 

I'm very excited to start working with Nahm for life/enlightenment coaching. I wonder how much growth i will experience? I have so much potential.

I think i need to turn down my incessant posting on the forum. I can tell i'm starting to make some people uncomfortable. I just gotta manage my emotions and feelings better. Take what works. Discard the rest.

[Raptorsin7]

My thoughts:

• I need to spend less time posting on the forum. This is main way of procrastinating right now and I don't like it. I have been regressing over the past week or so, since i had a good burst of motivation when i started using my dream board. I think i will stop posting on other people's post unless it's something I find really interesting.
• I need to start getting more wanting onto the dream board. I think i should be using it every day. And i want to start getting more short term stuff on the board. Like what I want to get accomplished today, etc.
• I need to start taking ownership of my state of being. I spend too much time in my mind thinking about random stuff. I just need to ground myself in the stillness inside me, then fucking act. Let's just see how it goes. Just keep acting. Bring stillness then act.

[Raptorsin7]

@modmyth I feel like right now I should be pursuing financial independence and full on autonomy from my parents. The whole point of me being in law school is to get a job so I can get a good job and support myself eventually. But law work sucks, and it's not even an optimal path to genuine financial freedom. So I really want to spend all my "work" time pursuing my own business and developing something that will actually pay dividends in my life.

@Sombra gave me some good advice about search engine optimization work (SEO), and even if i don't end up doing that specific kind of work, I want to do something I can sink my teeth into, develop skills, and see progress in my work. 

So basically i feel like I should be pursuing something that will actually pay off in the future. And because I don't want to go down the law route, there is very little pay out in staying in law school. It's basically just shame from dropping out, and leaving my friends at school that's keeping me in right now. Which are terrible reasons imo to do anything.

[Raptorsin7]

@Sombra I understand what you're saying. I just don't really have a drive to be a sick lawyer or make a ton of money. I want to try develop a business that can just support my life style. I don't have a very expensive lifestyle, and the more personal development work I do the less I need from the world. Going for money is great if you have a strong drive to make it happen. But my main goal is to carve out a niche in some field, start a business, and just try and sustain the business so I can pursue other more meaningful things to me at the same time.

I just feel like is out of alignment with where i'm at in life right now, and I just don't see myself becoming the type of person who really values the things you mentioned above.

What does your ex gf do now? Is she still a lawyer?

[Raptorsin7]

@Sombra That's awesome. I definitely need to do some research into more business fields that interest me. I'm going to try and just set aside a few hours per day for law school stuff then dive into business stuff in my free time.

[Surfingthewave]

@Raptorsin7 It's good that you're journalling here, what I find helpful is you can look back at the recurring themes of thoughts and habits. Don't forget self love, you seem to be quite hard on yourself at times. Change your thoughts, change your life. 

Yes this forum can be a distraction, but it can also bring you massive insights. 

You seem to be out of alignment with what you really want. Coaching will help with this. You're doing all the right things, just keep doing it, be aware of backsliding and good luck! 

[Raptorsin7]

My thoughts:

• I just purchased Leo's life purpose course. I think I need to figure out my life purpose and cut the shit and start going after it. At the very least it will be a growing opportunity for me and i should benefit from it. I'm going to gather some intel from the forum to see if it's worth it to complete, but i don't mind buying it if i'm not going to use because i should be supporting Leo. I use this forum more than 99% people here lol.
• I think it will be difficult to just jump into online business like SEO and start making money. I underestimate the role of motivation. It's one of the biggest problems i'm having right now with law school. I know this work is bull shit and i don't want to do it, so i'm not motivated to get it done. I think the same motivation issue would come up if i was just doing online business' as a way to pursue financial freedom. I think i actually have to believe in what i'm doing.
• I know being rich is bull shit anyways. I know people with money. My family has money. It's all bull shit, none of that stuff brings you happiness. Yea, you don't want to be homeless or starving in the streets. But if you are strategic and don't have stupid fucking spending habits you really don't need that much money to survive. This is actually underrated. I can honestly say IDGF about being rich. I know most people can't say that. 
• I need to figure out a plan to finish law school, or finish the semester, without just flaming out. I have exams right now, but if i do better on the final exam in April, these exams do not count. I think i might fail a couple of them to be honest. It bothers me. And it's not okay. These classes aren't even hard, i need to be more disciplined next semester and at least finish strong. There are no excuses. But for now i need to suck it up and take this loss like a man. If people ask how i did i just have to say yea I did terrible. 
• I need to start getting out of my apartment more. I literally didn't leave all day today. That is not a good habit. It breeds unhappiness. During the week is fine because i can go to yoga at night so i don't feel too lonely. But during weekends sometimes i just don't leave here. It's not healthy.

[Raptorsin7]

@Surfingthewave Yea self love is very important, and i literally don't do it at all. I think i need to start finding some resources on how to practically self love. I know Leo's recent video was on this topic, but did he give practical instructions on how to practice it?

Yea i am definitely out of alignment. I have no idea what I really want, i just know what i'm doing now is the wrong thing.

I will keep pushing.

Thanks for the post, i like it when people comment on here it gives me a better perspective. 

[Surfingthewave]

@Raptorsin7 Find some ways you can practice self love, what healthy habits or things can you do that make you feel better? Hanging out with pals, long walks, yoga, baths, etc. Yes Leo had some tips in his vid. He also talked about doing a job (your LP) on top of the job you have to make the transition (that's what I'm doing myself). Hard work but brings massive results. 

You're good at asking questions, finding out about things and working with people. You may find the LP course could be a game changer. 

Edited December 9, 2019 by Surfingthewave

[Raptorsin7]

@Surfingthewave I just bought Leo's life purpose course. I am going to start doing that. I think doing meaningful is something i've been missing for a long time now in my life. I'm excited to get it started.

 

I really appreciate you commenting (:

"Surfs up"

[Raptorsin7]

My thoughts:

• I was listening to abraham hicks and i think i learned a valuable insight that I need to focus on. I need to recognize when i'm not feeling happy or satisfied and then doing something to make myself feel better. Like music, pushups, go for a walk, meditate, etc. When I recognize that i'm not feeling happy that means i've been in a negative state, or out of the vortex like abraham calls it, and that state has been coloring everything i've been dong it. Who knows how long I was lost in it, but now in this moment i'm aware and i can do something. Then i need to do something that makes me feel good. Even for a few moments, i need to feel good so i change the momentum and bring myself in alignment with source. 
• The next question is how do i stay in alignment with source throughout the day. I bet Nahm will have good stuff to say in this topic.

[Raptorsin7]

My thoughts:

• This reality. This moment right now. This is a dream. Life is a dream. 
• I got this insight from talking to Nahm. My dreams have always been "better" than my reality. But now there is no separation. This right now is a dream. And i need to start living like it.
• I've begun listening to I AM affirmations. I really like them. I can listen to them when i'm procrastinating or just sitting on my couch or something.
• I'm going to begin Leo's life purpose course when i'm home for christmas break. I've realized that I need to do a job that I care about. I need to find my life purpose and go after it. All is one. So all must be incorporated under self actualization and spirituality.
• I feel pretty good today. I have an exam tmrw that i'm not ready for. But I have to accept that i'm not ready and just do my best. 
• I really need to upgrade my dream board. I find it difficult at night to get stuff done. I face so much resistance at night. The morning and day are much easier to be productive. I heard advice that when you're not feeling up to it just go to bed and try again in the morning. This is good advice. Tonight i will go to bed early if i'm not feeling it after i smoke some weed and meditate.

[Raptorsin7]

Gratitude:

• Thank you for this lap top.
• Thank you for this apartment.
• Thank you for this beautiful city
• Thank you for my health
• Thank you for the ability to be aware of negative emotions, so they can be changed and life can be improved
• Thank you for the meditation practice. Thank you for starting meditation 2.5 years ago so the practice is as advanced as it is.
• Thank you for the willingless and drive to improve life
• Thank you for making these december exams help not hurt, so i don't need to stress.
• Thank you for this chapter in my life that will make me so appreciative when life gets better
• Thank you to  @Nahm advising me to use the dream board.
• Thank you for the opportunity to live this dream, and become truly happy.
• Thank you for the financial support that was not earned
• Thank you for the freedom to pursue anything and everything

Edited December 11, 2019 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

I am thankful that I am not enlightened yet. 

I am thankful that at this moment in my life I am not as happy as I know I could be.

I am thankful for these experiences because now I know what it's like to not be enlightened. That way when I wake up I will have a strong desire to help others wake up too. I will know their pain. Because right now I am their pain.

[Nahm]

@Raptorsin7 ??♥️
You’re nobody’s pain. We create our own suffering. When we acknowledge this, and inspect and discover this truth, we are liberated from it. 

Reality’s so tricky, weaving dualities. Compassion, understanding,  true love, these are One, not two. 
 

Everything is already ok...and then we think, and believe our thoughts, and end up searching, for the knowing that everything is ok.