All My Thoughts

[Raptorsin7]

I've been feeling kind of depressed recently during the day. At night it's ok because i do yoga and then smoke weed and meditate, but throughout the day I just feel off and I think it will be good to express my feelings fully here. I am starting to feel more comfortable expressing myself on this forum, and I think i need to some sort of mind dump to get everything off my chest. I'm going to do everything in bullet form basically and try and express the feeling as concisely as i can.

• I hate law school. Ok, it's not that i hate it it's just i don't like being there and i feeling like i'm wasting my time. I know i don't want to practice law, and it's hard to motivate myself to do the work and try my best. I literally don't give a fuck about the law at all, i want to start a business and do what i want. I also don't know if this is just my resistance to doing the work. Am i just fucking afraid of sitting down and studying?? It's not hard to pass in law school, and i can probably get by barely doing any work, but then why the fuck am I here. I have exams coming up, and 5 of the 6 are help not hurt so it literally doesn't matter how i do on them. The ONLY reason i care about these exams is because i don't want to tell my friends i failed exams and have them think down on me. But at the same time all of this shit is just in my fucking head so who cares? 
• I love my lifestyle outside of law school though. My fucking life is funded, i can do anything... I can go anywhere.... But i'm still not happy and content. I'm making great progress with meditation and i feel like i'd literally be happier if i was sitting in a cave all day because I know i can just keep coming back to the nothingness inside that i'm uncovering. But that's fucking bull shit. I know i can be happy here, but i'm not. This is the main motivation for staying in law school, my life outside law school is very conducive to spiritual progress. I can literally spend all day meditating and ordering take out, and do whatever I want. I'm so blessed, but why don't i feel fucking blessed. My parents are so generous to me because they don't want me to be a loser, like my brother. But i feel like i'd be making so much more progress if i was working with them part time, and pursuing online businesses and spirituality in my spare time. They won't accept that. And honestly i don't even accept that, i'm afraid of people calling me and thinking of me as a failure or a loser for dropping out. But who cares? There opinions mean nothing. I feel like i have the answers here, but my family is too blind to help me uncover it. Why can't my family just say hey that's a great idea you can self actualize and work a bit, and we will support you. I am too dependent on my family. I should be supporting my self. That's what they truly want is for me to be self sufficient. But that gets me back to law school. I am not going to be a fucking lawyer. I told them this. And they just get nervous and say keep going because they think i will change my mind and say no mom and dad i fucking love being a lawyer, my dream is to work 50 hours a week for someone else's law firm while i do busy paper work all day everyday. That's so fucking awesome right guys? That's the future you want for me? I can't even blame them at all, my dad's a fucking farmer he works 100 hours a week in the summers. Like hard fucking work. How would he understand what i'm going after with spirituality. The guy has no clue.
• I think i'm ready for a girlfriend. But i just don't meet girls i'm super attracted too. Today on the bus i saw a really pretty girl, she made me a feel a certain way. I get a certain feeling from some girls and i want to meet someone that gives me that feeling. There are some girls in my yoga class that i think are interested in me, i notice how they wait for me after class because i always take the longest to leave. But idk i just don't find them that attractive. Do i just try and date them? Will i learn to love them over time? I'm afraid i'm going to get in a relationship and then meet someone better in a few days. I have such high expectations who can live up? I want to find her really attractive, i want her to be somewhat smart, kind, rich, well put together. Anything else i feel like i would be wasting my time. I'm just waiting for her to come to me, but at the same time i need to take responsibility. i have no idea what to do in this space. I'm 24 and i've never had a girlfriend. It doesn't bother me, but it's obviously a sign something is off with my ego. 
• I have a major issue with taking responsibility. I do not feel in control of my own life. It's always about my mind, my family, my fucking problems. But what is personal responsibility? When i think of taking responsibility I feel so much resistance and pain. When i go to meditate it feels effortless and feels right. Shouldn't responsibility come naturally and effortlessly?  
• I'm going to be working with Nahm soon. I know he's going to stress the importance of personal responsibility. I'm very excited to work with him. I've always thought life coaches were stupid and only hippy losers did this is as a job. But Nahm is the man. He started business before doing this work. That is my goal too. Become financially independent and then come back here and help people like Nahm is helping me. I was very resistant to the idea of life coaching only a few months ago, i think it will be very beneficial to me. i hope anyways.

 

 

[Raptorsin7]

@modmyth 2.5 years. I'm about to finish my first semester.

[Raptorsin7]

What am i feeling right now?

• I feel like i'm procrastinating. I know i should be meditating but i'm just on the forum and listening to a podcast.
• I don't feel too great right now. I just ate junk food. 
• I'm going to meditate for 1 hour then i'm going to come back here and post an update on my feeling. But first i need to describe my feeling clearly so i have a baseline.
• I feel like i'm stuck on my couch. If someone told me to get up and run a marathon right now i would say it's impossible. I wonder what it would be like if i was the kind of person who could just get up off the couch and run a marathon. I want to get there.
• The main thing i'm feeling right now is expectation. I want my experience to be something other than what it is. Is this the key? Expectations of my reality? What if i didn't expect anything from reality. What if i was genuinely indifferent? Alright I digress.... time to go into an hour into the void.... !!!!!!

[Average Investor]

I had heard that the most common regret of older people is living a life for someone else, or what someone else will think. I'm kind of in a paradox with anxiety and really not giving a fuck what people think. But the thought of whatever they think will run it's course and I will still keep not caring. Do you spend a lot of time on social media? I notice if I do I start caring about what other people are doing. It's all garbage. 

I had a time where I had not had sex at like 18 or so? I got with a girl that I just thought was kind of a cool, but I knew other people would criticize me for it. She was heavy set and I actually turned down another girl that was more attractive to society's standard at my work (both were coworkers). I just did not like the more attractive girls attitude. I had a guy ask me if I had sex with her in front of several people and I looked him dead in the face and said yeah. I will admit it was not something I was going to blast all over facebook right away though being with her, but eventually it would have if she did not have neediness plus more issues.  It turned out to be more of a starter girlfriend as I had not really had much of a significant relationship for a long time. But that got me a lot more comfortable. To be fair I would not date someone even as remotely unhealthy as that just because I can tell we would not align by any means. But at the time I was not taking care of myself even 10% of what I do now. 

I do live with my mom and am just a little younger than you. I am kind of in a similar boat, but just run my own business. I am employing my little sister next month most likely and living here is quite beneficial compared to an apartment right now. Although, I do pay all of my expenses and rent, but that has not always been the case. My goal is to possibly buy my own blank property with cash, but I am not 100% sure yet. I love what I do besides one piece that I am hiring my sister for. But the more financially comfortable I get the more I desire a bit more of a purpose. I would probably keep doing this business as a hobby I think though regardless.  Which it actually started as that. The more I keep thinking about it the more I find impactful ways to positively effect the world. I've been gradually moving away from really caring about being rich, but it would be nice to spend less time thinking about survival. I think you will reach a point where you gain a sense of just happiness from nothing and that will be the best. That comes through for me more often now. The business and all of that running through your head all the time is just going to make you feel bad. You will find out what you like to do and be happy with it. Just believe that you will find that. Everyone has a different path.  

Are you exercising enough? Eating junk food is not going to help you be less depressed or more energetic. I have been in that position. Eating right and exercising will make a huge difference in your happiness and mood. I had seen you do the yoga, but I don't know at what extent you go to. Do you ever consider maybe the weed is not helping you? It effects everyone different, so I can't say if it is helping you or not, but maybe go a month or two without it and see what happens. 

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Average Investor Hey man, thanks for taking the time to respond to my journal.

I don't spend a lot of time on social media. I'm not comparing my life against other people's. I compare my life against what I believe is possible based on my imagination. But the same rule applies. I compare my life against some ideal fantasy that doesn't exist and it robs me of happiness in the present moment. I think that's how it works anyways.

I do yoga like 4 or 5 times a week, and i play intramural basketball once a week. But I don't think i exercise enough if i'm being honest. I think i need to push myself to wake up and go do yoga, rather than just do it at night like i currently do it. 

Yea, my diet is so bad it's embarrassing. I don't really have a strong drive to overhaul my diet, i'm just making minor adjustments right now. Like today i bought only a coffee instead of the coffee and the muffin.

I am only smoking weed at night, and I think it's made a huge difference in my meditation practice. In the long run i will most likely have to give it up, but it's made a huge positive impact on my yoga practice and my meditation practice so I am not willing to give it up yet. 

What do you think my problem is? What would you do if you were me?

[Raptorsin7]

What am i thinking right now?

• So, last night during an hour of self inquiry i had a moment of selflessness. I think at least. It was so brief, i remember looking for the self and there was a moment where I felt like the person looking was disappearing and then i had a bright feeling of everything. I'm not sure if this was just a distorted memory or not but i'm not sure.
• My yoga practice is growing a lot. I'm starting to able to endure the pain of class without hating it. When i look for the one who is suffering in yoga it makes a huge difference. But still no flow yet. I want flow in yoga, but i guess i just need to be patient.
• I had a conversation with my family about me not liking law school. I think they think i'm just being kinda crazy right now. Which is kinda true. When i messaged them i was so annoyed and frustrated working on the assignment. I mean they have a point right?? I'm obviously suffering a lot now and when i honestly express my suffering they think i'm just being crazy and want me to calm down and just go back to being a good son. But then when i feel a bit better i just don't express myself to them and then they think everything is fine. 
• Financial independence is so important to me. I don't like being dependent on my parents. Actually I like it. I just don't like the strings that come attached to their support. When i have children they will be enlightened as kids so they won't have go through all this bull shit nonsense i'm going through now.
• I really need to step up my studying. My midterms are coming up and i'm not prepared. I mean i've been here before, in undergrad i was never ready until the day before the exam. But maybe i'm just saying this to make myself feel better about my situation. Who knows.
• MAJOR INSIGHT FROM MEDITATION: I gotta stop trying so hard to live. I dont even fucking exist. All this me, me , me , me ,me is all bull shit. Where am i? I've always been in control. This is my life, i'm the fucking man, right? Wrong. Let it go. Surrender control. I will never be happy if it's me trying to be happy. I have to take a back seat. I'm going to try looking for myself throughout the day when i feel frustrated or lost in thought. Look i'm creating more roles for myself.... I AM GOING TO APPLY THE MEDITATIVE INSIGHTS TO MY LIFE. No i'm fucking not though. I don't know how this is going to work practically, but this is the path. Less thoughts, more action from the present moment. Just do what fucking feels right.

 

[Average Investor]

@Raptorsin7 I think you have the desire to do more with the life that you are living. I lived like that for a long time and it did make me unhappy. Now I am not going to tell you that my life has turned into something extreme. Part of it is self acceptance as well. What life would make you really happy? I want you to actually write that out. If it is too personal it doesn't have to be in the reply. But write it all out and figure out why you want those aspects in your life and what it will actually do for you. 

I have started to do cardio in the morning after I get done shipping stuff. Are you doing anything high intensity? I have only done yoga once, so I don't know how it gets. Like does your heart rate pick up? Maybe try tossing in a jog or I have found some cool workouts on youtube that are only like 10 minutes that get the heart working. That should really help you relieve more stress and give you more of the feel good from working out. 

Diet and health are not something really easy to just turn around immediately on. Don't guilt yourself. I recommend looking into more reasoning and benefits of why improving it would help. Then when you feel ready change one meal into a healthy one and just keep that up until you are able to proceed further. I was eating fast food a few times a week sometimes, eating garbage all the time about a year and a half ago. Today I eat very clean. No added sugar, no wheat, no meat, no dairy, no frozen food besides fruit or veggies. That is not something I had not ever seen possible for myself. It started with me eating crappy burger king salads even more years ago without much knowledge. But I know that if I am able to eat better it is possible for you. I don't want to make you feel like my time frame is anything you should follow or the choices I made. Do the research and decide what your optimal intake could be. Oh and one thing healthy food actually starts to taste really good about 3 months or so in. Your pallet will start to change if you keep working at it. 

Advice is always hard to give because I cannot tell you answer you are looking for. But in my experience fitness, food, and patience are really good practices. I could not tell you if you should run out and get a girlfriend or something like that. I would probably recommend against it if you really don't feel happy. I am trying to have a relationship that will not depend on them at all for my happiness, but more of just someone to bring a long for the journey. Try to work on having happiness regardless of the external situation. Maybe get up every day and write down three things that you are thankful for.  

[Proactive]

@Raptorsin7

have u ever tried just sitting down and just feeling this uncomfortable feeling. Just focus on it. Go deep into it.

Focus on the truth of the situation, and listening to it.

regardless of fears.

[Raptorsin7]

@Proactive No i haven't. How long do you sit with it? Can you elaborate on what exactly you're doing, and what happens?

[Proactive]

its just a suggestion, I literally did it for the first time today. May or may not work for you.

 

How long do you sit with it?

for as long as you need or want. 

Can you elaborate on what exactly you're doing, and what happens?

so you seem lost. School isn't fun and you don't know why your in school.(just like me). I had a fear that if I accepted that school is not fun, and that I don't enjoy being here and bla bla bla. That I'll end up having to completely change my route and identity. So I just accepted that, and was wiling to confront that fear.

 

So can't really describe it. hehe. Sorry.

 

I just followed what was coming. I focused on the feeling of school being boring, I focused specifically on the subjects.

Feel what your feeling, run towards it.If you place your attention on it long enough, you'll usually get an insight onto whatever it is you are looking at.

Then look at that thing that is being revealed............ yeah........ 

[Raptorsin7]

@Average Investor

Yoga is pretty intense. I always feel good after i finish class and the sweat is good. I will definitely look into running. I used to try running all the time but i would quit very easily, like 1 mile in and i would just give it up. I feel stronger mentally now, i should give running another shot.

I will reply with the life i want to live on this post. But i am not ready yet, i have exams coming up and i want to take my time with that post.

I will also consider the gratitude exercise you mentioned. I am never really grateful throughout the day. And one of the hallmarks of the dream life i see in my mind is the fact that i'm just amazed and astonished at how awesome my life is. I always thought get good life first then gratitude will come naturally.

Thanks for the replies man, you seem have to a lot figured out.

[Raptorsin7]

@Proactive Ok i will try that. I already do a lot of meditation but i've never really focused in on the feeling and thoughts of not liking school. Thanks.

[Raptorsin7]

What am I thinking about now?

• I have an intramural basketball playoffs on thursday. I really want to win this championship. We are the best team by far, and there's no excuse for us to lose. We almost lost the first 2 rounds, and i did not play well. I need to dominate this game. I'm not sure how i'm going to prepare but I need to do something. I need to get my self in the zone. I need to adopt the mind of a fucking psycho winner for this game. I made a post about it, hopefully someone has some good advice.
• I got an A on my legal writing assignment. It's hard to get A's in law school so this is a good move. But honestly i'm just happy i didn't get a shitty mark. The first thing that came to mind is that i would be happier if i could just brag about it to everyone. But clearly that's nonsense. 
• I need to update my dream board. Nahm gave me some harsh advice in a thread a few weeks ago i need to find it and add it to my board. The board fucking works, but i stopped using it for the past few days. Why did i stop if it works? Very strange. Today after yoga i will update it.
• I wonder what people think when they read this. Proactive told me i'm lost. Part me was mad he said that. I'm not fucking lost buddy. But i am lost. I don't think it's a bad thing though. In order to be found first i must be lost. 
• I feel pretty good. I feel engaged. Is this hypomania? I've been very manic in my posts recently... But it feels right... I don't know. I always thought mania was a good thing if it could be controlled. I've had 1 full on manic episode in my life and it wasn't even that bad. I remember i didn't study for an exam and i tried learning everything the night before and i couldn't do it. Then i felt like dropping out, and my uncle told me i'm being manic. I think dropping out was the right choice then and i missed that chance. What happens if i do the same here? If i stick it out will i just regress back to my old ways? I don't think so. What's happening now cannot be undone so easily. Meditation has given me something to fall back on. No matter what happens i have a path. The journey to the divine beyond is all but guaranteed (prophet of truth- Halo 2?)

 

[Average Investor]

@Raptorsin7 I have faced quite a few similar battles, so I know how it gets. I think it is pretty natural to feel like you need more from life especially at our age. Don't let the desire go away completely, but manage it. It is good to have drive for the best life. 

I am pretty bias with the running because I really enjoy it. But nothing wrong with a good walk either that is how I started and I walk / jog when I go. Walking actually helped propel me into self improvement. I would not have been able to make it this far without it. My life is significantly better. 

You do have a desire to improve yourself and your situation, so you are much more ahead than most. I assume most of your issues is coming from the finals. I did do a year of college that was probably easier than yours and I still found it difficult. College takes a toll on you mentally for sure. 

Life is fucking awesome man. I know all of the petty stuff adds up sometimes and it might not always feel like it. But just take a second to appreciate that you exist. I imagine a lot of humans thought that they had it easy in the time they were living in, but we truly have a really laid back life. A lot of it is sucked up by bullshit money and survival, but really we live in luxury. There is so many worse problems that could be a burden to you right now, but I know how stress builds up. 

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Average Investor Thanks man. You are so inspiring. I will try and reflect on what you said. 

I know life is amazing. We live in the greatest time on earth to ever be a human. 

I'm pumped.

[Raptorsin7]

Thoughts:

• What do I want? The dream board apparently works to bring whatever you want. But i don't think is true. I think you can only get something that is in alignment with what YOU actually want. No bull shit. No lies. No self deception. What do you want more than anything? I have a hard time with this. I have visions of the kind of life i want, it's always about the feeling. How do i feel about life. Why are good things good? Why do i like the things i like? I have to find the why behind all my wants, even my best wants. I think it is love. I want love in my life. Not romantic, egoic love. I want true love. I want the best life has to offer. I want the best experience possible. 
• I wrote on my dream board that i want to love the present. I want to love the moment. Each and every moment has the potential to be just amazing. Imagine the greatest possible situation. You get everything you ever want and could ever want. Now imagine the worst situation imaginable. At the highest level there is no difference. Life is perfect. The magnitude of those words is kind of fucked. Everything is perfect. My life is already perfect. 
• I know that to be true, but I don't feel it. What do i know anyway? I think i know too much as it is, i just gotta start every topic saying i don't know shit. Because if i knew shit i wouldn't be a seeker. But here i am seeking.

 

[Proactive]

Quote

Proactive told me i'm lost

mb, I have absolutely no idea if your lost or not. I  was just assuming you were in the situation as me ?.

[Raptorsin7]

@Proactive Lol it's all good bro. I was just expressing my thought at what you said. I am lost. I am seeking happiness and fulfillment. We probably are in similar situations. And we are both canucks lol 

[Raptorsin7]

My thoughts:

• I've been arguing with this Nickky guy for like 30 minutes now. That guy triggers me. I think he triggers me because he's calling out my more manic behavior. Which is fair, i'm definitely acting out of ordinary here. But... this crazy/manic behavior is powerful. If i was going to war tomorrow who would i want to be... I would take this manic version of myself over who i was 2 weeks ago. This is progress... I think. I have to find a way to integrate this feeling without getting triggered and acting out in life. I am too high strung. I'm not even that high strung, just more so than usual.
• If i'm going to drop out of law school I need to do it from a position of strength. Is this just another limiting belief? Why am i telling myself this story? Idk, but i know it's possible to overcome law school and find a balance. Discipline will be very important moving forward. I waste too much time on this forum, and procrastinating in general. Law school + Learning about business/entrepreneurship + Yoga + Meditation + Whatever else feels right. I need to develop more structure around these practices.
• I have to come to the realization that I need to fully integrate where i'm at in life. I think i'm stage orange-green-yellow. So i need to start being the best version of those stages. I thought i could skip steps and go right to fully yellow, etc. But i think i can't. This stuff should start coming more naturally as i fix different aspects of my life. Number 1 is diet.
• Nahm told me to start reading about quantum mechanics to improve my understanding of reality. Hmm, i am skeptical. I think first i will read about systems thinking and spiral dynamics. Quantum mechanics sounds too spooky/esoteric for me right now. I will learn it eventually though, everything must be integrated.
• What is the right way to act? I feel like as i grow my behavior gets bigger and crazier, and there is incredible from people in my life. This feels like a good thing though. People don't like change. But i need to be careful. I can go too far i think. Mistakes are still real, and I have to be ready
•  
• So many stories in my mind. All these stories are false relative to the truth of the present moment. I have to reach a place where i'm living without incessant thinking. Where there are fewer stories in my mind. 
• "I" do not exist. I am comfortable with that truth. But it's not fully stable or integrated in direct experience. When i say it though there is a shift in reality for a few moments. Right now i'm just telling myself to look for the self, but should i be saying i don't exist. Hmmm, i gotta do what feels right here. 
•  

[Average Investor]

@Raptorsin7 Glad I am able to help. Best of luck.