the ego says "I'm not allowed to love myself I've done too many stupid things"

[Chives99]

I feel like I'm at a crucial step in my journey where I'm at cross roads. I would really want to release my hands of the reins and let life live me but theres a demon I have to slay first. I have autism although high functioning it  has gave me some challenging behaviours whilst growing up and has caused me to embarrass myself or say the wrong thing or to act inappropriately in the past and I can't get past it. I feel like I'm broken and I'm not allowed to love myself for being a 'retarded person'. Since I wont allow myself to love myself I have no love for others, I also have people in my life who mistreat me as a vulnerable adult and this perpetuates the notion I'm unworthy of love and so I just end up hating myself and the rest of the world. If I felt i could still love myself as someone mentally inadequate then id release my hands of the reins and pour my love on to everything. Should people doing life sentances still love themselves? Is self love an end in itself or does hatred have any use in which it keeps people in line?

[Nickyy]

@Chives99 How are people mistreating you as a vulnerable adult? In what ways? Are they responsible for you on some level? Are you comfortable with disclosure this here with us?

 

You're free to PM me if you need someone to speak to in confidence. 

 

 

 

Edited December 2, 2019 by Nickyy

[Chives99]

@Nickyy  just certain individuals, I guess they dont love themselves either. They push my buttons, mock me, If i stand up for myself they threaten me with violence. I feel ready for a confrontation but if i did out id just end up in jail as I would need to take drastic measures to defend myself since im a little guy and yet  Id be miserable letting them treat me like shit as well so I feel like theres no way to win. Example my housemate is really obnoxious hes from a gangster family and has just some really abhorent views on the world like wanting to join the army just to kill arabs, thankfully he didnt pass the medicals, unfortunately theres too many far right nutjobs in the army. He was telling my how he tagged his mother in a pedo joke meme on facebook which i thought was weird as what mother would want to be tagged in that so I say "why would you tag your mother in a pedo meme" and he lost it and said "shut the fuck up or ill stick my cock down your throat" I was stunned never heard such an threat in my life and im like "what the fuck" and so he replies with " are you still fucking going " . The guy just has weird vibes his eyes burn with pure hatred so i try to stay away as much as possible, not easy when you live with him. I'm just glad guns are banned in the UK.

 

Also I live in quite a rough area, different from where i grew up in a rural area, people just have a go at me on the street, during the night when im coming back from the clubs just because they feel like shit, i dont dare say anything back to them, they could have a knife and id like to get back in one piece, I have other friends though so its not all bad.

[Nickyy]

@Chives99 Why don't you move out? 

[Forestluv]

I recently had the priviledge to attend a presentation of Deej Savarese. He is a non-speaking autistic. As a child, he was rejected by his biological parents as being damaged. He went to a foster home in which he was abused, ostracized and stigmatized. Later in life, he was adopted by loving parents. He learned how to develop friendships. He became the first non-speaking autistic to graduate from a U.S. University. He is now a poet, philosopher and advocate for neuro-atypical people. 

At the beginning of the talk, I felt a lot of sympathy and compassion for him. He seemed like an inspiring person that overcame a lot of adversity. . . Yet as the presentation went on, my consciousness shifted. The presentation started off with Deej's poetry. It was amazing. Deej's consciousness is more oriented toward non-duality than duality. His poetry expressed nonduality in a way I've never heard a nonduality speaker explain it. Then they played prepared remarks from Deej in which he spoke of the interface of real, unreal and relative reality. Again, I've never heard it described like this and I realized he had something very special. Not in a "special person with a disability" kind of way. In a genius kind of way. What he was describing was just out of my reach. It was a nonverbal realm that Deej was trying to express verbally to us and I just couldn't quite access it.

After the presentation, I went to the stage and stood by Deej. There was a deep connection I wanted to make with him, yet I didn't know how to put it into worlds. I stood there trying to speak a question, yet I couldn't. Now I was non-speaking. I got frustrated and wanted to cry because I couldn't do it. I knew I was close, to meeting him somewhere yet I couldn't do it. Then Deej gazed in my eyes and we went there. His skills where higher than mine and he brought me there. We gazed in each others eyes for a minute and were a somewhere that was beautiful love. 

Neuro-atypical people have certain skills that are unique. Unfortunately, cultures create a "Myth of Normal" in which those that appear different are labeled as "abnormal" and are ostracized/stigmatized. Yet more and more people are waking up. There are some low conscious people out there, yet there are also some people that are waking up and have a higher capacity to love. 

https://www.deejmovie.com/

[Chives99]

@Nickyy  cant afford too and I like the other housemates, just this guy I think he's dangerous but, I dont believe he'll do anything as he wont want  to get kicked out of university and fuck up his life. My parents advise me to not engage with him at all and just dont say anything

[Chives99]

@Serotoninluv  thats sounds incredibly moving I ought to check that out. Society certainly wants us to fit into their little box

[Leo Gura]

55 minutes ago, Chives99 said:

Should people doing life sentances still love themselves?

YES! They need Self-Love more than anyone else.

Quote

Is self love an end in itself or does hatred have any use in which it keeps people in line?

Self-Love is an end in itself, and that is why it can keep people in line.

The only way to reform a criminal is through Love, not hate. And the criminal must learn to love himself.

When you love the world, do you need to be kept in line? Nope

[Chives99]

@Leo Gura      I  can try out that idea and run with it, but if I discover it to be true then the ego would be happy to stick a 'metaphysical' bullet in its head

[Nahm]

@Chives99 The Hurricane, The Peanut Butter Falcon & Billy Elliot come to mind for the sentiment they convey...seen those movies?  

On the self love note, a thousand times yes. Does _______ person deserve love, and to love themselves...you can put any word in that blank and a thousand times yes. 

Something worthwhile, imo...when your roomie projects his sense of inadequacy with insulting or belittling language...you interpret it. What is perceived, is sight, and sound. Own your interpretation. You are already free to interpret it how ever you want. He’s speaking from his vibrational relativity, “where he’s at”, and you from yours. In feeling how resistant with source his words are, you can see his awareness of feelings, is not covering that area. Your awareness is. You should be feeling good about it. If you were him, you’d be him. Maybe it’ll come to you, how he came to cover that area from awareness.

[Surfingthewave]

@Chives99 Forget slaying the demon. Although you're taking the hero's journey, you're already a hero for what you've been through, you just need to recognise this in yourself. 

What advice would you give someone else in this situation? Is it difficult for you to empathise with yourself? You're at the crossroads and you know what you need to do. Take off that backpack from your past, weighing you down and walk on by with your head held high.

You didn't talk about why your difficulties led to challenges for you, you did say living with autism is tricky so maybe you could help others in the same position? You have a wealth of knowledge and experience to pass on to others. Good luck. 

Edited December 3, 2019 by Surfingthewave