Reconstructing My Life!

[kag101]

Hi

I've started going to the physiotherapist. It's really worth it. It takes time, but I'm already seeing some minor results. I want to rewatch the episode of patience (it's one of my personal favorites). I think it fits into this aspect of my life. I've been noticing some bad posture habits I have. And it's not like I'm forcing myself to correct them, I am seeing that they simply aren't good for me. It's a gradual process.

My grandma has died about two weeks ago. It feels really weird. She's the first person that I really had a strong emotional bond who passed away. This made me reflect on my life, and how I overstress about some minor stupid problems.

I had a really good sex on Monday. It was the first time that I actually enjoyed the whole thing. It felt really organic. I'm really grateful that that happened

My piano skills are improving. I want to practice the following song by Avicci. In a month from now (9-8), it will be his birthday. And I want to post it on my instagram me playing the following version. It's not easy, nor super-hard. It'll be a challenge, but I think I can make it.

 

[kag101]

Frustrated

 

I recently posted a version of me playing "Wake Me Up - Avicii" on my instagram. I have to admit that I got frustrated, because I only got like 16 likes. And usually I get from 50-85 likes in my other posts. But anyway, what's important is that I stepped out of my comfort zone and that I liked the result.

Nevertheless, it still is frustrating. I'm not going to lie. It's not that I crave for thousands of likes, but I do want at least some amount. But anyway...

I also recently stopped following some people that I really have no interest in their posts. I know that some people use those apps that notify whenever someone unfollows. And I got kinda worried that it would give the wrong impression.

 

Other stuff

 

> I have been watching the tv show "Horders". It's really interesting. It inspired me to throw away some stupid shit I don't even like. One thing that I liked that they say in the program is: "Mistakes might happen". But I don't go full-crazy so that I don't have very big regrets.

> I have a Pitbull. He is friendly (doesn't bite), but he's too euphoric. And sometimes when he doesn't know the person, the barks at him/er. My little brother came to my house for the first time, and my dog was barking at him. It was frustrating.

> Sometimes I am a control freak. I'm trying to improve on that. It's a balance between caring vs not caring. For example, sometimes I want to make everyone happy, but that's a tough order to fill and it's way too stressing.

> I've recently started to do some research on colleges. I'm trying to find one that I don't have to stay there for many hours a day. And one that is also not hard or too stressful.

[kag101]

Finances: it's hard to make progress

Finances is something that I kinda suck at. I don't have a proper control, and this can be a big source of anxiety. I don't want to solve this problem by being neurotic. Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve to get a lot of money, success, etc.

People I have been talking with

I haven't talked much with people (through messaging) lately. I am pretty minimalist. If I don't feel like talking with someone, I will not. Breaks are important so that the relationship gets fresh again.

I have started to talk with a girl who is interesting. I don't know about other countries, but where I live is really hard to get matches on Tinder with girls. It's pretty annoying and frustrating. But I'm glad I have finally started to talking with one who I find attractive, nice, and who is also interested in me. Hehe...

Everything good except one thing

There's a person who I've been talking with who really resonates with me. I've been talking with him over the last 5 months, but we haven't met irl. I have been trying not to have too much expectation. I know that any type of bond – romantic or not – takes time to consolidate. It's a matter of having experiences with the other person, and seeing how he or she treated me. It's kinda tempting when meeting with someone I resonate with to create way too much expectation.

In this case, I think it's a reciprocal thing. Whenever we talk he is always sweet. The only thing that kinda annoys me is the fact that I am always the one who sends the first message, I haven't sent any over the last week, and neither has he. This is frustrating. Sometimes I think, "What's the difficulty with sending a freaking 'hi'?" 

Honestly, this is making me kinda lose interest in him. It's not an egoic thing. I'm fine with starting the conversation most times, but not all the times. Let's see how that goes...

Self-love

On the other hand, I am in a phase of self-love, and I have been thinking about romantic love as something lame tbh. Just a stupid illusion. I'm glad I'm not one of those people who are addicted to romance/relationships. For the most part of my life, I was on the other side of the spectrum. But now I am beginning to learn how to allow myself to have feelings from someone -- but to also counterbalance that with self-love/life purpose.

 

 

[kag101]

Weird feeling: caused by sleep quality? 

The last two days were pretty odd. I still don't know 100% what happened, but it sure was scary. 

I think it might have something to do with my sleep. I have been taking a sleep-inducing med, which is great and nonaddictive. I have a problem falling asleep at the same time everyday. I usually end up getting distracted and going to bed at late night. So this med helps with that. 

The only problem is that I usually end up having to sleep from 8-9 hours. And if I wake up earlier than that, I get groggy. And I also got a depression relapse triggered by lack of good sleep. So I'm always worried of messing up with my sleep. 

I plan to go back to college next year. And I prefer to study in the morning that in the evening, so I am not sure if I will have a hard time waking up. And I fear that this might disturb my mental health. 

I decided experiment with that. So I set an alarm for 7 hours after I fell asleep. I managed to wake up, and was apparently okay. Then, at about 7pm, I started to get sleepy  followed by a weird feeling. It's hard to describe what it was. I was kind of foggy, confused, and anxious. Even though I didn't really feel like it, I had dinner then I walked my dog (as usual). 

Crying

Then, some hours later, I began crying.

There were reasons for that though. It wasn't just a cry out-of-nowhere sorta thing, which is something that would make more worried. The main trigger was that a person who I used to talk and go out with is apparently not interested in me anymore (not as even a friend). I got really upset, because it's always very fun when we get together. And for some reason, I had a pretty irrational thought that I would only have happy moments if I was having out with him. But truth is, my happiness comes from within. I'm not going to say that "I'm self-sufficient, and therefore don't need anybody to be happy". No. But I can certainly meet with other people who I can share good moments with. 

I think I cried for about 20 minutes. And in the moment, it felt good. I felt like I was releasing a lot of emotional garbage. I thought about a lot of things, such as my grandma (who passed away a few months ago), people who I used to be close with, things I went through in my life, etc. 

Then, I went to sleep.

Scary wave of anxiety

I had installed an alarm on my phone, and it started beeping very early. But it wasn't loud enough for me to actually wake up, so I guess that disturbed my sleep.

After some hours that I had waken up, I started to feel really anxious. Months ago, my doctor prescribed me Xanax to use it in an emergency, that is, a really bad anxiety attack. Fortunately, I never had to use it. All the times that I have felt really anxious I was able to cope with it in natural ways. But it's certainly good to have an SOS sorta thing. 

My breathing was really shallow and it was starting to get painful. I was also feeling physically tired, which maybe had to do with all the crying I did the day before. 

Documentary about Avicii: made me feel sad and heavy

A few days ago, I watched a documentary about the Swedish music producer Avicii. It's called True Stories. It's basically about all of his career, and his health problems due to stress. Towards the end, when he was about to announce that he would stop touring, I could see myself in him. For example, the fact that he was getting anxious just by his agent telling him about the concerts he had to do. 

The documentary ended in a positive way. He was just focusing on making his music, and was in a relaxing place with friends and his dog. But.... some months later, he killed himself. 

And I got really touched by that. I think the weird feeling I got these past two days also have to do with watching this documentary. It was really emotionally heavy. 

Support system: professionals + friends + family 

Back to my story, I contacted my psychologist and psychiatrist. It's so freaking helpful to have a solid support system. I can count on them. They care about me, and they're good professionals. Are they alone the solution to all my life's problems? Certainly not. But both of them can help me find the right direction in life. I don't automatically assume that everything that say is true—they are not my "masters". But I feel like when I talk especially with my psychotherapist it feels as if I get "calibrated". 

After that, I used my rationality to come up with a strategy to deal with this problem. 

Having a relaxing carefree moment

I contacted a friend to see if she wanted to hang out with me. I suggested we went to a park. 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about finances and how to save money. So I was somewhat hesitant to take an uber, but because I was feeling down, I didn't think twice and simple went. 

First, we went to a place to have some Açaí. 

It was good. At first, I was low on energy, but I was there. I was kinda exhausted emotionally, but I wasn't depressed. I wasn't talking a lot, but I was present. I felt more like listening than talking. But gradually I started feeling better.  

Then, we went to the park. It felt good to be in nature. See the sky, hear the birds chirping. And most importantly, have a relaxing moment. This is so freaking important. In the past days, I was doing things that were the perfect recipe for feeling like crap:

• Dwelling too much on the suffering aspect of life (e.g., watching that documentary)

• Using the internet and electronic devices way too much

• Focusing too much on death. The death of my grandma, the "death" of some relationships (romantically or not), the "death" of periods of my life, etc.

• Worrying too much about my future, and putting too much unnecessary pressure on myself. For instance, I am insecure about going back to college because I don't know if I will succeed. But if I happen to fail on that project, it's not the end of the world. So the pressure is self-inflicted. 

So it was great to take a break from all of that. 

 

Here's a picture of me yesterday:

It seems like I'm a happy person all the time. Lol. Before this picture, I had gone through 2 really hard days. So just because someone is genuinely smiling doesn't mean they're well in general. That's not my case, but for example, there are some pictures of Chester Bennington hours before his death, and he was smiling. I'm not going to post this image because it would be too sad. 

Thanks for reading!  

[RendHeaven]

Love your realness

[kag101]

Welcome, 2021! New challenge in about a month! 

I've been wanting to write here, but every time that I start I end up not finishing. Since it's the beginning of the year, I think it's a good time to do so. 

2020 was a year of a lot of growth for me. And I think 2021 will also be. Hopefully it will be easier. 

I will go back to college in about a month. I stopped in 2016. And it was a big journey during those 5 years. I was very immature back then. Now, I feel like I have proper support and am not in a lot of pressure like I was back then. I'm really glad that I'm doing well in my recovery from depression & trauma. There's a quote I like that says: 

"Trauma is hell on Earth, and healed trauma is a gift from the Gods".

 

So grateful I took the first step 

I'm proud of myself and of how I handled 2020. I'm so grateful that I took the first step back in 2018, when I sought professional help. It took a year for me to get stabilized, but omg is it worth it. And the growth that I've had is beyond my expectations. It took a while to "hit the knee of the curve". 

I'm also training myself to be less hypersensitive, and it feels great. 

 

My intention for 2021 

I've set the following intention for this year: "I'll get it right". This affirmation has helped me to be more confident. If I'm about to do something, and I am in a hesitant/insecure mindset, then I'm bound to fail. If, on the other hand, I am able to convince myself that I'm capable, then my odds of succeeding get much higher. 

This is not to say that if I fail, I will get super frustrated. No. It's just a different way to approach challenges. A fake it till you make it kinda thing. Self-fulling prophecy. Believe you will pull it off, and you're halfway there.

 

Brute force is not the answer!

Insecurity is a bitch. And what I've found over the years is that you can't overcome it through brute force. For instance I used to say to myself:

"Fuck this self-doubt. I'm just gonna fucking do it no matter what." >> this is highly neurotic and doesn't work in the long run. It eventually backfires.

It has to be a gradual process. A lot of self-negotiation has to take place. 

 

I feel sorry for some people here 

I was reading some topics here on the forum, and I get baffled sometimes. Some people are so lost. One guy's goal for the year was to trip on 6g of shrooms or something. The path of psychedelics is very dangerous. People think those substances are always benign, but that is not the case. I used ayahuasca for about a year, and it's clear how I was getting sick (physically and mentally). I was losing a lot of weight, and was definitely not healthy mentally. 

But anyway, I'll focus on my path and give my 2 cents here every now and then. 

 

@RendHeaven Thanks ??