My FOMO with Higher Education

[electroBeam]

I'm struggling with a low self esteem/FOMO problem with higher education (university and above). 

My Love Hate Relationship with education

Ever since I was a kid I've had a complex relationship with education. I remember back when I was 6 or so I loved it. As we all are, very curious, excited and amazed by the world. I remember reading heaps of science books, just simply fascinated and in awe with its complex and beautiful creation (and even though I know much more and am much more advanced in science now than then, paradoxically I'm trying to go back to that place LOL). 

But then primary/elementary school got deeper into theory. School became less about the 'airy fairy' stuff, and more about memorisation, practice and repetition. The awe and inspiration got replaced with mechanism; in the name of discipline. This is where my relationship with education started to take a turn and get a bit messy. Added with the fact that I was severely bullied, I no longer saw education as a place of wonder, and rather saw it as a machine. 

I began to get bad marks in junior school, which lead to heaps of negative complications: loss of good relationship with parents, teachers. I was in the 'opportunity class' which means it was full of the kids with the highest marks in our school. Very elitist there, so the bad marks lead to me being severely bullied, ostracised, etc. (many other factors caused it but this was one). I got bad marks because I believe I have some mental disabilities, such as short term memory loss, lack of concentration ability, difficulty understanding concepts, etc. My mind also thinks very differently to the average person. My mind works holistically. Its needs to know the whole picture for it to understand and retain important information. It needs to know the trunk, then work out the leaves using the trunk as a scaffold and reference point, rather than just working out all the different leaves one at a time all randomly (like what school does). I found that education ripped out a page from the maths text book, which was discovered in 4BC or whatever. Completely ignored the history that lead to the discovery, completely ignored why it was discovered, its purpose, how it connects with all the other knowledge, what mindset the inventor had, how societal and culture affected that mathematical theory, etc. Instead they explain the concept logically, then give you a series of varied text book exercises to do to learn it. My mind cannot learn well with this approach, it simply rejects the knowledge. In my opinion, once you've seen junior school mathematics, history, English class, science, etc. You've seen the entirety of all those subjects. Maths doesn't change after junior school, the thing that changes is the content, but the content is just different permutations and combinations of the essence of mathematics - the same process/rules/idea. I read a good book once that taught 'wisdom' of mathematics rather than content. Techniques like if a problem is too hard, invent an easier problem, solve that, then use that as a stepping stone to a harder problem. Just try out random numbers and see if it works, it taught what the difference between strategy and technique is, etc. I wish school taught this, but instead I felt like I stopped learning maths in junior school and spun my wheels ever since until I left education. With the internet these days, why is there so much emphasis on memorisation and wrote learning? This lead to me having severe motivational issues with schooling, causing bad grades. School also punishes you and rewards you, not for critical thinking, but for how well you can emulate the process being taught to you, or in the case of English literature or history, how well you can reaffirm the English teacher's beliefs and point of view about a particular scene of a play or book. I see value in this emulation process: this is how skills are developed, but I question do we really need to do 16 years (school plus uni) of it to get the performance we need? In fact I would argue learning just 3 months of it is sufficient - the fundamental principles - the process, not content. Beyond school I've learnt to apply post grad formulas without having to do hundreds of hours of it, in actuality just an afternoon session was sufficient. Also school hates to mix subjects together, let alone concepts in the same subject together!! Why can't we have projects where we design paper or straw bridges using the maths and design we learnt in school? Why can't we 'feel' our formulas by using it in real life a straw bridge, why can't we play around and see what works and doesn't, and see how it mixes with other formulas, systems, etc? Schools teach in this way for a mix of reasons: 1) they have dogmas 2) its more efficient, cheap and objective to teach this way 3) They teach to help society maintain itself rather than grow. 

My low self esteem and FOMO with school

In university I failed a year of subjects, then dropped out to make a startup. The startup is going quite successful, more successful than most, but its not guaranteed to set my survival needs for life yet. And its really grilling to live in this environment, also its not my life purpose, through applying consciousness to what I'm doing in this startup, I've seen too much, I've seen how the very societal system of a startup is rigged from the beginning to keep the filthy rich in power and control. 

Because I don't have a degree, failed subjects, and have a bad relationship with education, I've got a bit of trauma and its so vast and messy and complex I don't know how to resolve it. It affects my confidence, mental capacity and happiness on a daily basis. 

I feel like a bit of an impostor at times with this startup. How can the CTO of a highly advanced AI medical startup not have a PHD(like all the other AI medical startups???) let alone a college degree???

Maybe I'm missing some very fundamental skills in uni, and because I haven't undergone the whole thing, I'm not performing the best at this startup? 

Damn this startup is not where I belong, I belong helping the world and advancing science, and here I am just helping the rich get richer and stay in control. Maybe if I kept in uni I would be an Einstein and be helping the world?

Maybe the real reason why I couldn't handle uni is because I'm dumb. And if I'm dumb how the hell am I going to pull of this startup and achieve my ultimate life purpose?

Because I haven't been to uni, I've lost the opportunity to be mentored and get connected with the brightest scientists in the world, meaning I can never learn deep skills needed to be successful in my LP!

I've lost the connections to be able to attend highly advanced scientific conferences about nature and the environment, meaning I'm out of the loop of the place I want to be

etc. etc. etc.

Plus of course the social pressure for uni: parents telling you, you should do it otherwise you're doomed, employers telling you its important and you should do it, etc. Plus the lack of credibility you get when you speak to investors, customers, etc and you don't have a degree. 

Resolution?

I actually went back to uni after being out of it for 6 months to 1 year to try it again (happened beginning this year), but again I didn't like, so I left again. I have been kicked out of uni since and to go back I would have to redo my entire degree, which is quite hard while doing a startup. 

And I get so so so so so much more enjoyment out of listening and practicing meditation, yoga, chakras, etc. Going meta, etc. This feels much much much more useful, meaningful and impactful than hundreds of thousands of years of uni. And this just adds to my confusion. When I do uni I feel like I am wasting my time, because I can be using that time to study and practice the stuff that's on this site. 

How do I overcome these low self esteem issues? Should I go back to uni? 

Edited December 2, 2019 by electroBeam

[rNOW]

Hey!

I suffer from this impostor syndrome from time to time. And I have a degree. I got good grades in school and better ones at the university. But that's the thing about feeling like an impostor. Education doesn't cure it. You have to educate yourself out of whoever or whatever educated you into believing it. This doesn't mean you don't go to university. Go join the university if it makes you wonder and attends to your curiosity. Take some trial classes if you get an opportunity to do so. Otherwise, just buy books on topics you wish to learn and start reading. Watch videos on that topic. Set a timetable for yourself like you would get in a uni. And stick to it. And then you'll see, day by day, you don't need a degree for knowledge. You just need time and earnestness. You will find mentors once you start talking about the topic you are learn and you will start talking and thinking about it once you start learning it. 

Also, I'd like to know which was the mathematics book you were talking about? I had an aversion with math all my life. And now I know why. I was forced to memorize maths because I couldn't understand it as easily as other kids did! Until I came across an article on Vedic Maths that changed my perception. 

[electroBeam]

14 minutes ago, rNOW said:

Also, I'd like to know which was the mathematics book you were talking about? I had an aversion with math all my life. And now I know why. I was forced to memorize maths because I couldn't understand it as easily as other kids did! Until I came across an article on Vedic Maths that changed my perception. 

I think it was this one. Maths is taught beautifully here. You can see how chapters 1 to 4 teachers you about structure instead of content. It goes meta on the content. I wish school and uni was like this. Once you know and master the strategies in chapter 1 to 4, you don't need to be taught content, you can learn it on your own. 

Edited December 2, 2019 by electroBeam

[Angelite]

What I love about my school was my tactful & elegant teachers. 

[tsuki]

In my experience, self-esteem issues are never about the lack of external accomplishments.
It is entirely possible to be a PhD with an impostor syndrome, feeling worthless for wasting so many years on education when there is this guy that is a CTO of a promising startup without even having a basic degree!

If I were you, I would investigate why you are pursuing science in the first place.
Chances are that you were conditionally loved by your parents and they gave you affection for being curious.

[Vaishnavi]

I can relate. I had a major career crisis since I've always wanted to study arts but i took commerce in high school since science was something i was afraid of (given how it was taught to me) and arts is a taboo in my society (given the lack of jobs. India is heavy blue even now so humanities for the sake of humanities is a ludicrous thought). I was good at commerce but eventually realised I cannot spend my life being an accountant or doing taxes. Like yourself, I study holistically, connecting dots, reading multiple disciplines and resources.. probably why I never majored in my bachelors degree. I'm studying the basic arts with no honours because I want to study all subjects holistically to have a big picture understanding. 

The point, my career crisis led to poor choices and I don't have a degree from a regular college, i'm doing my bachelors from distance learning. So even I do not have a regular college degree. However, I do agree that degree has certain value to it. It's not entirely a waste. As much as I personally find the idea annoying, judging on the basis of college degree makes sense since it immediately puts up an image of who you are (even if it's very limited and maybe even misleading sometimes). Nonetheless, you need it at times (which is why I plan to complete my higher studies more consciously). 

However, I personally have benefitted a hell lot from being an autodidact. I love being one, it gives me my space and I can explore as much as I want. But, formal learning and skill building has it's own space, a need I feel, so yes, it's a bitter sweet symphony in that sense. For me personally, I will be going to a uni to pursue a course that I need but cannot learn on my own (social entrepreneurship- raising funds, community building, strategic management, all that stuff). The juicy important education, I do that on my own. So for me, finding that balance is the key. 

Going to the uni is one of those 'have to' things that you accept as a part of growing up. And it's not entirely bad tbh (once you know what you want out of it and believe that the experience can give you that). Look up Gabor maté. He went to medical college quite late in his life but did anyway because it was his dream. See if it's worth it for you though. 

I know maybe I complicated the subject for you but I believe it's a decision worth investing time in. Ask what you want from uni and if it can give you that, the why you want to go there and if it's worth it. You probably have already. If you believe that being w/o a degree is fine and the energy should be invested in say your startup because time's short, then I believe you should go ahead with it despite the fear of going broke/meeting survival needs. I mean how worse can it get? You'll sail through if you want to.. and it's always bitter sweet no matter what road you go down

[Key Elements]

Struggles can actually help you. There's a saying, "Challenges are opportunities." I learned this later in life of what it means on a deeper level.

Struggles with education actually helped me. No, I didn't get into the university I wanted to. For me, there has always been a pressure from society and family to get into a "good ranking" university. Later, I became a teacher anyway. Why? I wanted to develop programs for fun casual learning. Having trouble in finding a job that I love? No problem. Education helped. Actually, I love doing canvas paintings. Paintings will not sell at all if you're not famous no matter how good you are. So, I'm doing bilingual education as well as bilingual paintings. I donated paintings to the school I worked for. My students said that they now have paintings that acted like cheat sheets on the wall, and now, they can't take exams in that room.

Now, I'm going about trying to start a bilingual education business. It's an interesting experience. Everything is a process. Nothing comes to you right away. The process is putting things together like a puzzle in life. When you're the absolute, you created life itself. When you're in the form of an human ego, you still have to create with your "God" given gifts to make something to give this world. After all, what are you going to gift yourself?