I Have A Concern....

[step1]

About 2 or 3 weeks ago I told myself that it would be a good idea for me to stop meditating.  The reason being that I am afraid that if I experience an awakening that I will give up on improving myself.

I have a few things on my list that I want to improve.  One is long term and to do with my career/life purpose and the other is probably achievable over a shorter period of time ;my communication skills, written and verbal.  This is probably the most important one, as I feel it will improve my self esteem greatly.  I have trouble expressing myself in everyday life and it gets me really down.  I feel like I construct my sentences back to front, kind of like Yoda except less articulate, and it takes me 3 or 4 sentences to articulate what most people can say in 1 sentence.  I also have trouble recalling words so I end up using a basic vocabulary most of the time which really irritates me.  I also have a very slight stammer where i repeat the first word on opening a conversation, which comes and goes.  Half of this is due to social anxiety which is why I started the meditation, but the other half is due to lack of social practice.

So getting back to meditation.  I stopped meditating but instead found myself in my free time doing self enquiry..  I even read a Jed McKenna book when I had decided to put the spiritual stuff on the backburner.  I probably was looking around on this forum too.  And watching lisa cairns videos.  I can't get away from this stuff.  I have a bad day and I turn to non duality because it releases me from myself.

So last night I began meditation again with some self enquiry combined and I had probably my most powerful experience yet, I was very deep somewhere and when I eventually opened my eyes the middle of the room was warping towards me and I wasn't in my body, although I was seeing from it.  My body was numb and I was in a space somewhere but it felt like it had no place.  Everything seemed totally trivial and the thought of 'me' was no more significant than the thought the bed or the rug on the floor.  Hard to explain but it felt very liberating.

Anyway I would not class this as an awakening experience, but a strong mediation. I feel like things are progressing..  But I am concerned if I do have an experiential awakening that I will lose my motivation to improve my communication skills...  And I really don't want to be that bumbling guy who scatters his sentences for the rest of his life...  But at the same time I don't want to stop my spiritual work because I find it so liberating and really interesting.. Not sure what to do..  Its taken me an hour to write this message and I still don't feel like I have explained myself properly. 

Anyone's opinion on this would be appreciated. Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

[vizual]

What do you think the reason for your social anxiety is? Just going out and forcing yourself to interact with people will probably help some, but might not relieve all of your anxiety. Almost everyone knows very well to communicate properly, especially verbally. We don't need to acquire more 'skills' for communication, it's a problem of not trusting ourselves. When you become liberated there aren't any barriers anymore, since barriers can only exist when there is identification with the mind. Remove the barriers and you remove the anxiety, remove the anxiety and life will find its place effortlessly. Ne need to 'improve' oneself, one is already perfect. Self esteem is part of the natural state, all work toward self esteem is basically setting conditions on your self esteem, and conditions will always be violated sooner or later, conditional self esteem will always be tested and broken. 

When you become liberated there isn't anyone to have anxiety anymore. Don't give too much weight to these mystical experiences you describe, they can come and go but hold no ultimate value. Look at the roots of your anxiety, are your worries rooted in truth? Or are you just imagining them? 

[Corte]

You are afraid to lose something implying you believe you have it, or you will have it. So long as you attach yourself to this belief I think it will be difficult enough to become enlightened. Motivation is lost when a mind tries to conceptualize nothingness. It concludes "if nothing exists then what's the point of doing anything" it's like paying for a movie ticket and then leaving the theatre because the movie will be over in a few hours anyway, what's the point in watching it at all?

What you see as negative to your improvement is redundant. If you're afraid an awakening experience will change your mind, why would you want to do the thing your awakened self doesn't? 

Continue practice contributing to your growth and the others around you. Everything will happen exactly when it needs to.

[step1]

Ok thanks guys, appreciate the advice. 

[key]

Not sure how to articulate this quite right.

Continuing your meditation/self-enquiry will probably lead you to the thing you're looking for in the end. 

Meditation improves the mind & body in all kinds of subtle ways, it'll bring the release of anxiety and fear over time. Memory, cognitive functions will increase, including your communication skills naturally. I highly reccomed continuing your meditation/enquiry work & maybe taking a deep breath now and then, reminding yourself life is free, relax, over time if you just focus where you are now and take things slow you'll be shocked by the results over time.

best wishes in your endeavours