Re-approaching a girl

[Simon Håkansson]

I recently completely messed up a relationship prospect I had with a girl that liked me, I came across as needy and desperate. (this is a girl I had met earlier and who had shown a very clear interest in me)

We were at a dance party and I was thinking about a way to get to dance with her, which was quite difficult since she was dancing with her friend most of the time. When I saw her alone on the dance floor, I approached her and asked for a dance, she said that she was going to grab a drink but that she would dance later. What I didn´t understand then was that I was just supposed to wait out the situation, go dance for myself or with others and wait for her to approach me. But instead, I ended up in a situation where I chased her to get her to dance with me. 

I was justifying my behavior by thinking "She wants to dance with me, I want to dance with her, what´s the problem?" and "Confident people know what they want and get it". And when she started to avoid me, I just thought that she played hard to get and if I continued to push through it, it would turn out well. It didn´t and it took me quite a while to realize that I had completely messed up. The irony about the whole situation was that I didn´t feel needy or deeply attracted to this girl, but it came across that way. I just wanted to dance, chat and get to know her better (and since I didn´t consider any of these things to pushy, I didn´t see the problem).

One of the things that I did was fantasizing and "planning" this party in my head 1-2 weeks before, what would happen, how I would react in different situations etc. But of course, it didn´t turn out in any way that I had thought it would. 

The questions I have are the following: How can I prevent a similar situation from happening again? Should I even consider re-approaching this girl again (in the future obviously) and if so how would I do it? What would be a more healthy mindset to have in these types of situations? 

Edited December 1, 2019 by Simon Håkansson

[Preety_India]

I don't know exactly what was going through her mind. But she should have shown some degree of interest in you when you asked her to dance. The fact that she kept avoiding you the entire time is pretty odd given the fact that you said she was interested in you. I didn't find your behavior as very needy because it's the very first time and curiosity always gets the better of us and so imo she should have also displayed some curiosity on her part.. 

Your behavior was very instinctive because you didn't really plan it out through and man is very much slave to his instinct so I don't think you can change that in the future. Your overall behavior will stay the same because it represents the unique person that you are. 

If you have her contact and if you have been texting her or social media you can reestablish contact in the future but I guess you'll need to be a bit blunt because you got no time to waste entertaining her whims. If she is interested she should show a response or else it will be more like she is just playing along and she has got nothing to lose(btw)

Right now you cannot do anything. You'll just need to wait. Be patient and let some more time go by before you make another approach. If she still gives you a cold shoulder I don't know how to feel about it. 

But in whatever way you decide to approach her, make your intentions known not right away but after some time, because there's no point in wasting your time in trying to chase someone who doesn't correspond equally. Imo it should be mutual interest on both sides and the interest needs to be quite strong for things to take a solid turn. 

Don't beat yourself. You haven't messed up badly, lf your emotions showed, it's fine, neediness is a much bigger thing than a single situation of dance. And as you know, persuasion is necessary in relationships so nothing wrong with being persuasive as long as it is within the zone of comfort. 

 

. 

Edited December 1, 2019 by Preety_India

[Nickyy]

17 minutes ago, Simon Håkansson said:

"She wants to dance with me, I want to dance with her, what´s the problem?" and "Confident people know what they want and get it" 

The problem is you were trying to be something you are not, and she sensed it and rejected you. 

Confident people do indeed get what they want, but you actually have to be that person for it to work. 

Just be yourself next time , I know it's hard when we have a whole self development industry telling us that there is something wrong with us and that we need to become the best version of ourselves (which is partially true) but that doesn't mean we adopt ideas that are foreign to our nature.

When I was in my teens I was quiet and I didn't talk to girls unless the struck a conversation up with me, and I'll tell you that I had girls literally throwing themselves at me since I was 15. Even older women found me fascinating to be around. 

It was because I was myself without apology and reservation.

 

I'm not saying this to try to make you feel less than me, I'm saying it because I want you to know that the most attractive thing is just being in alignment with yourself.

That's the big key here, if you can just be comfortable with yourself and know what you want from life in regards to your life purpose then everything will take care of itself, you don't have to change, you just enjoy the journey and let change take care of itself.  

 

 

[Leo Gura]

@Simon Håkansson You can re-approach but the most important thing is to be totally indifferent about the result. Don't spend any time thinking about her or planning anything. Zero attachment until she shows interest in you.

Don't wait for her. Go approach 10 other girls.

[Forestluv]

Ime, too much planning, calculating and analyzing can be a deterrent. There is a lot of magic in presence. Intuition and entering a flow state in the moment in which things are clicking. 90% of meaning and communication are not literal words - it’s tone of voice, cadence, facial expressions and body language. Plus there are energetics. If I’m in my head head calculating, I lose touch with what’s actually happening. 

Personally, I don’t equate confidence with getting what I want. For all I know, the woman only likes basketball players with Australian accents. Imo, being confident isn’t trying to convince her that she actually likes non-midget science geeks. Being confident wouldn’t be trying to manipulate the situation to meet my self centered needs. Rather, it would be ok  with what actually is.

[Arcangelo]

If she wanted to dance she would have danced with you right there and then. I bet she wasn't that thirsty, she just used and excuse to not reject you directly. Women can't say no (only highly developed can, i think) They can't say no because they have an evolutionary fear that you might get violent with her for rejecting you directly. So what they do is say: -''yeah sure'', but in their minds they are saying: -''no fucking way dude. You are not good enough for me.''

You didn't get the hint.

You asking if you can re-approach shows to me that you have an scarcity mindset. I suggest you develop an abundance mindset.

Billions of women out there.

Good luck!

 

 

Arc

[Nickyy]

18 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

Being confident wouldn’t be trying to manipulate the situation to meet my self centered needs. Rather, it would be ok  with what actually is.

I call this masculine presence or masculine integrity. If guys here want to know another way of looking at this they can study David Deida, who talks about the Masculine as the witness of everything, while the feminine is just everything. Nothingness and fullness as masculine and feminine. Being identified with the nothingness causes attraction because of the polarity.

The old macho style Masculine is what the dating coaches try to teach, which is a mindset, it's actually an expression of feminine energy because no "mindset" belongs to the true Masculine nothingness. It's nothing, it has no quality. To be identified with the nothingess means to take a big picture perspective on the whole and not get entangled in the feminine dance and get lost in it.

Dance with the feminine from the place of freedom from it. 

This is true confidence

[Forestluv]

8 hours ago, Nickyy said:

I call this masculine presence or masculine integrity. If guys here want to know another way of looking at this they can study David Deida, who talks about the Masculine as the witness of everything, while the feminine is just everything. Nothingness and fullness as masculine and feminine. Being identified with the nothingness causes attraction because of the polarity.

I haven't heard of David Deida. Thanks for the suggestion.

Your ideas got me thinking about masculine and feminine energies. One thing I've been doing lately is to watch YT videos of two people exploring an area such as "the value of neural plasticity on therapy". I'll watch the dynamics between two women interacting, a man and woman interacting, and two men interacting. Rather than focusing what they are discussing, I'll focus on how they are discussing it. There are often different gender dynamics. For example, two women interacting are often very agreeable and supportive to one another, yet sometimes have a subtle way of trying to control/steer the narrative. Men are often more debate oriented. They are often more contrarian in conversation. Each of the dynamics seem to have downsides when in excess. For example, I was watching a video of two women discussing neural plasticity and they were so agreeable with each other that the discussion seemed watered-down. Since they were so agreeable, they were missing areas of exploration. They never challenged each other. . . . On the flipside, I've noticed men often go to the other extreme being disagreeable. They have an idea they want to protect and defend. In this example, two men might adopt opposing views on neural plasticity and try to "be right". At this extreme, there is also something lost - they never really explore the issue.

These of course are generalizations and not fixed. Of course a woman can be contrarian and a man can be agreeable. These are just observations I've had of common common dynamics between genders. 

[Nickyy]

@Serotoninluv

56 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I haven't heard of David Deida. Thanks for the suggestion.

I think masculine and feminine energies are really interesting. One thing I've been doing lately is to watch YT videos of two people exploring an area such as "the value of neural plasticity on therapy". I'll watch the dynamics between two women interacting, a man and woman interacting, and two men interacting. Rather than focusing what they are discussing, I'll focus on how they are discussing it. There are often different gender dynamics. For example, two women interacting are often very agreeable and supportive to one another, yet sometimes have a subtle way of trying to control/steer the narrative. Men are often more debate oriented. They are often more contrarian in conversation. Each of the dynamics seem to have downsides when in excess. For example, I was watching a video of two women discussing neural plasticity and they were so agreeable with each other that the discussion seemed watered-down. Since they were so agreeable, they were missing areas of exploration. They never challenged each other. . . . On the flipside, I've noticed men often go to the other extreme being disagreeable. They have an idea they want to protect and defend. In this example, two men might adopt opposing views on neural plasticity and try to "be right". At this extreme, there is also something lost - they never really explore the issue.

These of course are generalizations and not fixed. Of course a woman can be contrarian and a man can be agreeable. These are just observations I've had of common common dynamics between genders. 

You just described the pathological expressions of masculine and feminine perfectly.

Pathological feminine is to get so lost in "we" that she loses herself.

Pathological masculine is to be so invested in "I" that narcissism takes over.

Health is somewhere in the middle