Rape and Self Love

[lightnessofbeing]

Hello fellow psychonauts

Just watched Self Love episode and struggling with past rape trauma.Few years ago I was in a relationship with a relatively loving man. At some point in our four year relationship I had severe depression during which I had zero libido. He pursued sex with me multiple times during which I was crying from the beginning till the end of the act, then going to the bathroom vomiting and crying. I knew he enjoyed my pain and felt hurt, but could not stop him because at the moment my self love was totally absent. At the same time I could really empathize with his sadistic side, even love him at his lowest point. When recovered, I never talked to him about these painful experiences, but broke up with him instead. Still, my pain, confusion, guilt, shame and anger are not resolved.My question for you is,   how do I reconcile Self Love with bitterness for him and myself (for not setting boundaries) ? I do not want to keep being trapped in past pain but find it hard to forgive. I sometimes have fantasies or revenge. Not violent revenge, just doing something, maybe confronting him or going public with his name. Please help. Thank you for your time. 

[Fede83]

U need to confront ur inner demons before everything,can take sometime to recover..u need to have a reason for staying present and forgive ur past..whatever happened is related to ur past,accepting and letting it go is the first step(u can start doing also some shadow work for confronting it by urself..it can be overwhelming so up to u for it )if u need to talk to him to get out all ur guilt and shame for that situation go ahead..but my advice would be just accept/let it go/and deeply love urself to recover fully meanwhile u stay totally present in the moment ❤️ U will have fantastic days! This past not gonna define u at all! I send u very very much love ❤️ ❤️❤️ And If u need to talk to someone just pm me  

Edited December 1, 2019 by Fede83

[cetus]

58 minutes ago, lightnessofbeing said:

I do not want to keep being trapped in past pain but find it hard to forgive.

"Who is ultimately responsible for your happiness?"

This would make a good companion video to one you just watched.

 

 

 

[Nahm]

What is the difference, between pain, and suffering? 

“my pain, confusion, guilt, shame and anger are not resolved”

My eight year old keeps touching the hot stove & doesn’t like how it burns her. She just keeps recreating the same experience over and over. I’ve instructed the stove correctly numerous times, to no avail.

What should I tell the stove to do next?

What advice should I give my daughter? She says she really, really wants a certain “lightness of being”.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - M. Williams

[erik8lrl]

Know who you truly are, you are infinite love, you are God. The past does not define you. Everything happens for love, all the pain and pleasure one can experience. Choose at this moment to be love. It is all up to you, to live the life you want to live. What is the most loving thing you can do to yourself? Just let go, just love, just be. 

[Preety_India]

Sorry to hear about whatever you went through. Healing through so much trauma will not be easy. 

You need to resolve your inner shadow. Your inner shadow is expressing itself as anger and revenge. 

Self love can be built by working on your self esteem, standing up for yourself, objecting to behavior which is hurtful to you, being yourself and understanding that you deserve as much love and affection as anyone else. 

Your inner bitterness directed to the perpetrator will continue as a hurt cycle and continue to hurt you for as long as you allow it. Try to let it go because now the whole thing is pointless. If you get vengeful feelings it means you haven't truly moved on. In order to truly move on from that brutal experience, you'll have to understand that it shouldn't be allowed to have any hold on you, even remnants of it. Liberate yourself from the hold of anger and revenge because such emotions create toxic vicious cycles in life and you get caught into them and the cycle continues. 

I understand the need for justice. But when justice doesn't exist, you need to be strategic and cut your losses by withdrawing from the need to seek justice. You'd only bring more harm and pain to yourself the more you pursue it. It's like talking to walls. 

Whatever happened happened. Now it has made you twice as much conscious about toxic and abusive people which is good. 

Start your healing journey by practicing Letting Go and Acceptance of the Past. You were wronged. It's their bad Karma. You weren't responsible for it. 

Whenever the reaction/temptation to seek revenge occurs, try to tell yourself how much you love yourself and that the feelings of revenge are not worth your attention and time. They only perpetuate the grief. This does not mean that you are forgiving that person. It only means that you no longer that no longer allow yourself to be victimized any further by the trauma and anguish of your past/incident and the resultant anger/bitterness it creates. 

Say to yourself that you are independent emotionally and that you don't need to seek validation through expressing your anger/revenge. It's like a dried branch that can be cut off and thrown out of you. You no longer need it and it doesn't serve your purpose. 

 

[lightnessofbeing]

@Nahm did you just compare a human being that perpetrated rape multiple times with a stove? This is beyond my comprehension . You cannot reason with an object but with a human being I hope you can. Otherwise nice quote. @Nahm @Nahm @Nahm

[lightnessofbeing]

@Preety_India thank you. Very compassionate and wise response.

[lightnessofbeing]

@cetus56 thanks

[Nahm]

@lightnessofbeing

What is the difference, between pain & suffering? 

And when do these occur?

[SgtPepper]

Firstly, I feel hurt at the thought of how much pain you may hold. I really wish you recovery, closure, and Love.

I recommend seeing a trauma therapist, I think it could help a lot for the long-term healing.

For a personal journey, I would use yoga, writing, contemplation, and psychedelics (MDMA or Psilocybin) to heal those wounds. Additionally, I would emphasize physical activities like yoga or martial arts as a way to gain back that self-power. It is important to regain that self-confidence and power back into your life/mindset. 

There is a great book on trauma called "The Body Keeps the Score" It focuses on the science of healing trauma. The author found yoga and mindfulness to be a powerful tool to heal the nervous system.

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1SRQFZIEI6R7J&keywords=how+the+body+keeps+the+score&qid=1575235445&s=books&sprefix=how+the+body+keeps+%2Caps%2C135&sr=1-1

I think the long term answer from my perspective is to have self-love, but I think to get there, you must rebuild the relationship with yourself.

Hang in there!

Edited December 1, 2019 by SgtPepper

[erik8lrl]

Ayahuasca is a good healing medicine you might want to consider it.  

[WelcometoReality]

@lightnessofbeing Let yourself feel whatever you feel and let yourself think whatever your thinking. Let those things come to the surface and become aware of them. Don't confront or revenge him for what he's done, Not for his sake but because it can have serious consequences for you.

And if you can seek professional help.

[Leo Gura]

That's created a deep wound.

9 hours ago, lightnessofbeing said:

how do I reconcile Self Love with bitterness for him and myself (for not setting boundaries) ? I do not want to keep being trapped in past pain but find it hard to forgive. I sometimes have fantasies or revenge. Not violent revenge, just doing something, maybe confronting him or going public with his name. Please help. Thank you for your time.

The ultimate solution is to realize that your identity extends to encompass the entire Universe, which of course includes your rapist and any others who harmed you. To realize that all that is YOU! And that you are Love.

This requires a mystical experience of Self & Love. Best way to get it quickly is through a psychedelic like mushrooms, LSD, ayahausca, or San Pedro cactus.

Who knew that the cure your trauma could be sitting in a pot at Home Depot? Better than wasting years in therapy.

Mystical experiences have a profound healing power unlike anything which you can accomplish through the ordinary state of mind, reading books, listening to experts, or doing techniques. You need to access a level of love deeper than your trauma. The deeper the trauma, the deeper the required love to heal it.

Confronting the person is not necessary once you confront your SELF.

Once you access Divine Love, you will have a powerful capacity for compassion and mercy, which you will use to understand and forgive your abuser.

[Shin]

Probably already said but,
The only reason someone wants to hurts someone else,
Is because he seeks love in a very distorted way,

The reason people seeks love in those conditions is because they are extremely unhappy and suffers a lot internally.

So no one can never hurt you unless he's desperate for love.
Evil doesn't really exist, it's just people that are torn apart internally.

No one wants to hurt somebody because he (truly) enjoys it,
They may think that, but it actually make it even worse for them on the long term (even in the moment).

So love him, because the reason he did that is because he is in deep pain.
Loving him doesn't mean anything but accepting (internally) that he is how he is.
That doesn't mean letting him hurting you again (or anyone else), just that in yourself, there is no hate, judgment or fear about those people.

Understanding, compassion and love instead.

[Tom T]

Hi @lightnessofbeing, 

you need to release your trauma and also experience how the situation all happened because of love. to do this do the following.

firstly read this book called "keeping pain in the past" its an amazing book on healing trauma where it talks about how to release trauma you need to remember, feel, express, release and reframe in order to heal from trauma.

step 1: (I RECCOMEND DOING THIS WHOLE EXERCISE WITH A PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOTHERAPIST, you could do it solo but be careful !!!!) This letter must include, What happened, how it felt at the time, how it affected you since, What you are going to do to let it go. The first step is you must recall "what happened" and you must recall what the perpetrator of the trauma did, in agonizing detail. This part of the letter documents the part of your life that has been berried ---whatever comprises the content of your pain in the past. The goal for the first step of what happened is simple to understand but difficult to express. The greater the detail, the greater the immersion into the pain, and therefore the greater the opportunity for release and healing. Secondly, you must express how it felt to be you at the time. The greater the depth of feeling that you discuss, the greater the potential for healing. In the feeling chapter, I emphasized the need to feel your feelings fully. Its especially important as part of this exercise. All the feelings that have been trapped in your memory must be felt and expressed for release to occur. Horror, fear, hopelessness, vulnerability, panic, impending doom, and thoughts of death and suicide are all common emotions felt by the traumatized and all need to be written and included in this letter. Tears are often an integral part of expressing pain and horror. Step three---how this has affected the client since then---get the client to express how their youth innocence may have been stolen, how your ideas about love and family were permanently stained, or how their world became a dangerous place etc.  In this part of the letter share how this part of this trauma(s) robbed me of my naïve smile and replaced it with a sense of fear and mistrust and with avoidance of eye contact. This second and third step of the letter is to allow you the opportunity to express in writing the deepest of human agony and attach words to feelings and sensations that have been virtually indescribably to this point. By expressing and releasing the pain, you will and can achieve healing.in the next part of the letter you must release for peace, in this part of the letter explains how you are going to let go of this traumatic event. The mere expression of emotional pain is not always curative. To release pain is to ultimately let go and letting go never condones the bad behavior, letting go is merely the release of pain. Letting go is a gift for yourself.in this part of the letter explain how you are going to let go of this situation and leave it in the past for good if you can. 

step 4: read this letter out loud to a train therapist who you trust and have built a relationship with (or you could do with a close friend or family member you trust but I personally recommend doing this with a trained therapist because there will be a lot of negative emotions arising and it is better to be with someone who can ground you and bring you back if you have flashbacks or something depending on how much it has affected you. but yes read this letter out loud to someone word to word in great detail.

step 3: let a week pass and then watch Leos video on "what is love part 2" and "all criticism is untenable" and also used the information you learned in this weeks episode on self-love and  contemplate how the whole situation happened because of love, how self-love works and that all criticism is untenable , this will help you contextualize reframe the situation in your mind, some psychedelics would  really help in this part process !!! 

Id also recommend going to 5 or 6 reiki sessions for 5 or 6 weeks in a row and see how you feel off it in conjunction with all the other steps !!! 

hope this helps and sending much love to you !!! 

 

Edited December 2, 2019 by Tom T

[Arcangelo]

17 hours ago, lightnessofbeing said:

Hello fellow psychonauts

I assume you have already tried MDMA therapy.

If not it would definitely help. My first and only MDMA trip felt like going to therapy for 20 years.

 

Arc

[Angelite]

@lightnessofbeing

Love when you love.

Hate when you hate.

Revenge if you do wanna revenge.

Forgive only if you do forgive.

That's how you live a life without a shadow.

 

Patience is above all beneficial.

Good luck. 

 

*Benefits here can be worth it. So much worth it. (You can trade your suffering with anything you want from God). It's up to you though. Any is fine.

Edited December 2, 2019 by Angelite

[Nahm]

23 hours ago, lightnessofbeing said:

did you just compare a human being that perpetrated rape multiple times with a stove?

The ‘stove analogy’, is of the picking up of the thoughts which do not feel good to you, and re-identifying as a body, the true nature and root of suffering. The comment was for you, and your thoughts. I was not thinking of him, only you and your well being. Sorry again, nonetheless, that it was not helpful. I do of course wish you all the love & light you can handle.

 

[pink]

@lightnessofbeing So sorry this has been your experience. Neurofeedback could help reprogram your "fight/flight and freeze response" and can release the trauma out of the nervous system helping to root yourself from the ground level up and then your brain has the potential to optimize & embody balance. So sorry and at the same time you can do this healing.