Becoming Gay

[Strangeloop]

So In this Journal I'll be writing about all of sexual experiences and thoughts about relationships and such.

To start off in my childhood I was a tricky kid, me and my cousin were experimenting with each other at very young age, humping and sleeping together in the same bed whilst hugging each other. This one time we were in my grandma's apartament and there were three of us me and my two cousins. I'm male and they were female. So me and my older cousin decided to put asleep my younger cousin. We build her a fort out of furniture and bedding in there she could sleep in. And when she felt asleep we went to bed and started humping each other. After a while my grandma came into the room and saw me fall out of bed asking what we are doing. I said nothing.

Now looking back at it I believe that from that point on I have this fear of intimacy like my grandma is going to catch me during a sexual act or something. Like look grandma I was a child okay? There's no need to judge me because I wasn't really doing anything wrong, I was just experimenting with girls which happended to be my cousin. So please forgive me for being wrong in your eyes, I hope you understand. This is what I would like to say to my dead grandma.

 

[Strangeloop]

I've been watching some videos about gay people, some of them were disturbing like this one story on Snapchat where a 23 year old guy is dating a 52 year old man. I found it weird when they kissed in front of the camera also the younger guy was putting make up on. Like why is he acting like a girl? What's the point of all this? As I watched the story I managed to stay present with no thoughts whatsoever. It's good that I can reflect back on it now. 

I also been noticing the act of gayness between men. For example: some men hug, touch each other, they tap each other on the shoulder. That seems gay to me. Sure I grew up in a homophobic environment where gay men are discriminated because of their sexuality. What do I think of gay men? I find them disgusting, I crave for women attention only, to really be certain I have to convince myself that there is no other way. So be it. Now when I think about gay people as I mentioned I find it disturbing because as soon as I hug a man I feel strangely satisfied, maybe it's my gayness that is in the play. I guess you could call the feminine side of men -gay. And the masculine side can be called - straight (heterosexual). 

I can't believe I actually tried to put a finger in my butt while masturbating. To be honest with you it was the best erection I ever had, my dick was strong and big as hell, I enjoyed very much and I also imagined that I'm doing it with Leo at the same time. Weird isn't it? I also had some dreams about being gay, kissing men, choosing a partner neat a store. I believe that being gay is an ideology which means I can convert straight men into being more gay like. 

Now how can I create an Ideology around being gay? Why would I even want to create an ideology around being gay? Maybe it's my purpose in my life, to fight with homophobia, to transcend the gayness within me first I have to be gay and then realize I'm the exact opposite. But it doesn't make sense why did I even put a finger in my butt? It was an experiment. To see if you would like it. And yeah I liked it I guess but still I stopped doing that, because of my religious beliefs, see I'm a hardcore christian and being gay is a sin, although we are all sinful, but that doesn't mean I have to sin.

I can't seem to effectively accept being gay. In my thoughts I demonize myself for it. I call myself insulting names I get angry at myself... where is thay anger coming from? From within of course. What is there deeper behind that anger? My dad. I blame my dad for it. I blame my cousin, my grandma for it. I blame all the things that influenced me to being gay. I asked myself Are you gay? And I answered: I hate this... why do I hate being gay? A strong push forward I guess. I bet my life is about my sexuality. That's when I get strongest feelings of hate, misery, hopelesness, I also feel powerless to change anything about my sexuality, it seems like I chose to be gay. How can I choose to be gay. I didn't choose to hear the thoughts about being gay, they just come to me. 

I don't know all of this is very confusing and I feel like contemplating this didn't help at all...

[Surfingthewave]

@Strangeloop Letting go of shame is the hardest part of realising your sexuality. Let go of what your family and others have conditioned you to think. This is your life and you have every right to live a life of being gay. Work on these emotional difficulties you have that come up for you, they appear very strong but in reality they are just thoughts and feelings you can let go of. 

[Strangeloop]

Yesterday I did it again, I again "injected" the finger in my asshole... sure I've got quick pleasure out of it, but the drawbacks of it are just yuck.. The whole day today I was angry, I was reading about being gay and been noticing a lot of men around me. And the FUCKING ATTRACTION IS THERE it freaking frustrates me... I looked at girls and see them as ugly, but when I look at guys I see them as beautiful... I don't want to accept it, I will all I can to prevent myself from being gay, I don't care how much suffering it will take to get away from being gay. I'm hopeless my programs don't work, I've seen enough... I just want to die at this moment and just revive myself to becoming something more than this fucking shitty disgusting ass life. I hate God, I hate you God for making me Gay!

[Strangeloop]

So I was journaling the other day, and it was very weird, because it seemed like I was detaching myself from myself. I was so detached that words just flew on paper. And the words that came were disturbing, I was contemplating about sucking a guy's dick and getting fucked by one and the more I entertained these thoughts the more aroused I got. After I finished writing I just masturbated furiously with what I believe the strong boner was from those thoughts. But still even if I emtertain these thoughts, I still reject myself as being a gay person, it's very hard to accept the fact that I'm gay... As I'm still a virgin first I want to try having sex with a women, afterwards will see if it is for me or not, if I get aroused by them, as far as I know I don't consider myself neither gay nor straight I might as well just be bisexual. And this thought creates tension in my stomach area and the lower back. I always try to convince myself that I'm gay, maybe I'm trying to convince myself to be gay because I don't want to have sex with girls. That happens because I had suffered this hard rejection with a girl, making me hate them, I get angry at women for tiniest problems just because I want to show that I'm the dominant type, that they are not going to boss me around. So I stand my ground and just defend my ego even if I need to. So whenever I don't stand my ground I don't stand up for my masculine side and give in my feminine side. Which also beings me a thought that being gay in God's plan is to show me my feminine side, the one that loves, the one that is compassionate, caring and all around selfless person. It's hard to be this way, it's way easier to be egotistical and complaisant about others. So this sexuality crisis is really on my mind for my life, I get reminded of it daily, every movement I make even if it's a little gay, I notice it and judge myself for it. 

[seeking_brilliance]

just whatever you do... DON'T get a girl pregnant, or get married, until you are sure!

by they way, there are many masculine gay people who fully accept their sexuality. You probably need to work on throwing out your ideas of masculine and feminine. 

 

Edited January 18, 2020 by seeking_brilliance

[Strangeloop]

@seeking_brilliance Thanks for the tip.

[Strangeloop]

I don't know, today, I feel calm. I still see the gay side of me, maybe it's not a side, maybe it's just me, I don't know.

Why do I feel calm? Maybe because I see something, but it's vert distant, hope of somekind, a hope on having a wife, maybe this wife won't be a traditional person, maybe this wife will be transexual, because I'm gay, I might choose dick over pussy. And choosing that makes me even calmer, strange... I might be in the time of my life where I must be calm, I've been very nervous about this in the past, but know I'm looking at the bright side, I might just have plenty of sex, with men and women. And it doesn't matter how my life will go, it'll be awesome. I still care about other people's opinions and it slighty scares me, I'm scared of being rejected, but not by men, because men are as horny as I am and I'm very horny. So with men, I won't have a problem, the only problem with men is letting myself be with them, having sex with them. It's a bit scary, but I'll get over it. I still need some self-acceptance work, I might think that being gay and having gay fantasies is wrong, but that's untrue, because like in this one song: "It looks so wrong bur it feels so right" I think my parents will reject me and demonize me, but not my mom, I already told my mom about my gayness. She doesn't want me to be gay, maybe I don't want to be gay either, but the hell with it, I will be gay anyways, because why bother being gay is not the end of the world. Sure there's repression and demonization of gay people, some people are getting killed because of their sexuality, but I'm not afraid to die. I'm eternal bitch, I will never die. Relatively speaking. I might just like being gay, it feels so blissful to be gay. I'm at peace...

[Strangeloop]

I get these thoughts from my inner voice, like I should be gay and that I shouldn't be straight, because if I'm straight - I will be rejected by females. So that's kinda disturbing. So it seems that I'm afraid of being rejected and being rejected is not what I'm looking for because being rejected is uncomfortable. If I'm gay and I'm surely am one I shouldn't even bother thinking about females because there's no point thinking about them, I should only think about relationships with other males because that way I will keep my identity as being gay. So it doesn't matter if I don't think about females. I would rather get fucked in a butt than get rejected another time in bed. That's irritional though. I could do otherwise but I won't. I'm so stubborn I can't even be good anymore. I only want to be gay because I don't want to be rejected anymore, because I think that if I get rejected one more time I will be deppressive again. With men it's another deal, men want me because I'm sexy and stuff, I have a good body and they would flirt with me like I have this girly fantasy of being passive in a relationship. I want my partner to be the dominant one and not the other way around. This guy huh? What is he talking about? He's crazy isn't he? He says he's gay but he doesn't want to be straight. Maybe I want to be gay, maybe not. I have no integrity whatsoever, I'm a piece of shit I know. I don't care anymore I don't care about sex I don't care about my life purpose, I don't care about anything, I only care about myself and showing the good things about myself gaining status and all of that. Whenever I stop being such a douchebag I become gay. Because caring about anything is gay, so maybe I'm gay because I want to care about somethings. This shitty journal, I hate it, I hate every little ounce of gayness in me, maybe because there is so much of it in me. All I see is dicks and blowjobs and getting fucked in the ass. This bitch that fucking rejected me, I fucking hate her, she's a bitch and a whore and all the bad words I could think of. I hate her and I forgive her. There.I said it, I forgive her but not really. Because she's such a bitch of being a bitch of being a bitch because she's such a bitch about being a bitch and bitching about being a bitch. 

[Strangeloop]

So today, I was contemplating and I was running away from my sexuality I picked it very shortly but I didn't realised which one I was. So to speak. I think I'm being biased by telling myself either being gay or being straight and not being straight and being gay, which makes me bisexual. So either way I'm currently bisexual and being bisexual is not bad because I have the freedom to choose my partner in the future either male or female, maybe a transexual mate once I'm mature enough. So to be clear I'm not denying my gayness, it's very clear to me that I might be gay and being straight only contradicts that, that's why I'm in so much confusion about my sexuality. Netherless I feel fear regardless of what partner I will pick. Just the thought of being with someone and going through all the conflicts all the suffering and opening myself up to the other person just irritates me because I don't want to do that. I don't want to open up, now do I need to open up? That's a different story, sometimes I do need to, but most of the time I can choose to close myself up and be defensive about any detail about me and trying to manipulate other people to see me as good or powerful and such. You can't fake confidence it's either there or it's not there, from the other perspective it's there and it's not there so confidence could be just a concept to distinct a certain type of behaviour. Anyways not more here to tell.

[Artiekee]

Hey Strangeloop,

Have you heard of HOCD? I suggest having a look at this.

I've struggled many years with my sexuality. Firstly by not wanting to accept that I'm gay and hoping it will go away some day, and secondly by hiding it for others for many years. Eventually deciding to come out is the best decision I've made in my life. 

I recognise a lot of thoughts you are having, they can be really confusing and disturbing.

If I could suggest my younger self something, it would be; just simply observe every thought, every emotion, every desire you are having, dont try to label it, dont try to make sense out it. Just completely allow everything in and simply observe it. And dont look for an identity in your sexuality, its just a little part of your being.

If you have any questions just let me know 

[Strangeloop]

So last week I told a friend in rehab that I'm gay, and the moment I told it to him, he was laughing and I was laughing, I find it weird, liek shouldn't it be like a serious moment then I open up to someone about my sexuality and say that I'm gay and that I like to fuck men(I never did it). But see I might do it I might fuck other men, just because some girls rejected me and I don't want to forgive for that, I want revenge by ignoring all the women in the world and actually just going full on with my sexuality as being gay, it's scary at first but I feel this pain in my heart organ , so I don't know maybe I'm being to cruel to myself by ignoring all the women, but then again I want to avoid being too needy with girls overall. See I never had an intercourse, I'm 22 years old I say to my self that I don't need any girls but really? No. Ofcourse nor it can't be this way. So anyway being gay is the way to go and the mind is here to tell me that being gay is the way to go so stop being so biased right? I'm biased and I talk to myself like a girl, that means I'm transexual, atleast that's how I call myself, all these names and identities I adopted, just really it's the need to find the why that drives me. And like a year ago I had these vision that I'm fucking literally fucking Leo in the asshole as I'm high on 5meo and looking at our bodies as we are fucking in a third person view with this entity called "soul" and that's why I'm gay because I saw this vision. Also I dreamed that I'm sucking a dick and I'm being fucked in the ass, it's weird and uncomfortable so I kinda want to hate it, but I think I will like it in the end because it's in my blood to be gay lol.

[Strangeloop]

Again, a gay act... I'm dissapointed, I thought I was not gay, and then I deep throat a banana, gaged, is that how girls suck dicks? I don't see any pleasure in that. Sure I might deny that. Sure. But what the hell, right? It's pointless to fight. So let's just give in and let's be gay. Ofcourse first things first - being straight, going out with girls, bringing them into my room, having sex with them, feeling pleasure, giving her pleasure, does that sound nice? I bet it does. After the whole straight bit, then I will be gay, noe I'm just acting gay, but I'm not gay. Sure I'm denying the fact that deep throating a ? is a bit gay. Let's face it head on. Bring it God, Devil or whatever you are. I will give in to you all in, I will give in to you so much that I will lose myself completely, I'll be gone in the nothingness. Everything you do to me, I will take, I might bitch and moan while you do it to me, but I will take it. Period.

[Strangeloop]

Why am I so calm with a thought of being gay? It seems that the more I look at men the more gay I become. But still since I'm a virgin I want to try straight sex first, but the moment I see girls sitting on a bench(it happened today) I get this feeling of intense fear and I walk away from girls. It's most likely because of my past rejections and feeling of guilt and shame because of acting sexually with girls. Shame and guilt comes from the experience with my cousin in early childhood, when my grandma got me playing with my cousin's butt I was afraid and shocked, so I most likely gave myself a promise to not do it ever again. Or maybe not who knows.

[Strangeloop]

So I watched the recordings of my previous streams and I looked at myself on how I act and how I talk.. It just bashed me right in the head. I act and talk like a total gay person, gotta to love that, right? But seriously I feel disturbed by myself.

[Strangeloop]

So almost a year passed by and I'm still struggling with identifying my sexuality. I mostly ignore it most of the time and whenever I try to think about it I just distract myself. Recently I broke up with my first real girlfriend. I enjoyed the sex at first but when I had struggled to "feel into it" because most of the time I was in my head with my thoughts and Every problem I had with sex I blamed it on being gay.

Had trouble maintaining an erection during a sex act, probably because of porn like people say. Of all the mindless masturbation to various porn videos. Which has ruined sex for me because I have this expectation of hard penetration but all I feel is tiredness and hopelessness. 

Also recently I had a dream where I was in bed with a transexual, it looked so real and I thought this was my life now, but eventually I had to wake up from it. And after I woke up, I wasn't even fazed one bit. I ignored it completely and just went with "My mind is playing tricks on me again". 

 

[JonasVE12]

Do you have any feelings of powerlessness? How was/is your relationship with your dad? Do you have trouble with your masculinity? Do you have male friends? Do you feel inferior or submissive to other males? Any anxiety around masculine males? Feelings of inadequacy? I might be able to say something useful. 

You might want to check out the work of Joseph Nicolosi

[Strangeloop]

@JonasVE12 Yes. I have had those feelings on inadequeacy especially in other males who seem more Alpha and are not afraid to throw a punch or fight back in any way. My Dad always has been trying to control me, I always rejected his authority. I never tried to talk to him heart to heart. He always looked down on me.

[AtheisticNonduality]

Just get a Grindr account and get fucked. See if it's nice. And use protection. Also, don't kill yourself or waste time on conversion therapy because of some puritanical Christian nonsense.

[Strangeloop]

@AtheisticNonduality Yes and then regret it my whole life. Feel shame and guilt ocer the things I could have done and live the life of victimhood, blame christians and the whole world for inequality and rights which were not given to me. And with the smile endure a big cock to my mouth, sounds like a plan man! Thumbs up to you!