Trying to defend an identity or personal image

[Javfly33]

How to not defend an image (let's say of 'toughness' or 'coolness') towards the female genre?

See, the thing is I have observed that if I totally let go of trying to show a certain image, or I stop trying to defend an image a might be un proud of (nervousness for example) I will, ironically, don't experience any nervousness and pretty grounded confidence in the interaction in the girl.

It's tricky because:

1. There's this culture/beliefs than certain "weak" aspects of personality are turn-off for women (or even creepy

2. But if I try to hide them I ll experience anxiety and therefore will make it worse. If I don't and accept them I'll have confidence.

Which one wins? Maybe the best is the balance between the two?

[Preety_India]

The simple answer is just be yourself. You cannot be something that you just aren't and it doesn't pay long term, maybe short term gain like a a few dates  but eventually your true side shows. So no point in hiding it. 

Just be comfortable with who you are. If you judge yourself too much, you will also begin to judge the other person equally. 

Much of social beliefs is just myth. Synchronicity and coincidence play a huge role in our lives and these can't be dictated by people's directives. 

You have to be who you are. Then you are authentically attracting the person who is right for you. 

If you display something you aren't, chances are you will attract some one that you won't be comfortable with in the long term. That's a lot of cognitive dissonance to deal with.. 

[Preety_India]

If someone pressures into believing that you are not the type thats likable then you should simply reply 

"that's not my comfort space"... That's alll. 

[Javfly33]

6 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

Just be comfortable with who you are. If you judge yourself too much, you will also begin to judge the other person equally. 

 

Yeah, I agree with that so much. I've only started to realize yet that doing that have shot me in the face in "full circle" move. Now I have to let go of judging of so much years lol so difficult but you're totally right.

@modmyth 24

Edited November 28, 2019 by Javfly33

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Javfly33 said:

Yeah, I agree with that so much. I've only started to realize yet that doing that have shot me in the face in "full circle" move. Now I have to let go of judging of so much years lol so difficult but you're totally right.

My pleasure. Have a great day. 

[Nahm]

@Javfly33 What a great breakthrough / realization. Congrats?? 

22 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

How to not defend an image (let's say of 'toughness' or 'coolness') towards the female genre?

See, the thing is I have observed that if I totally let go of trying to show a certain image, or I stop trying to defend an image a might be un proud of (nervousness for example) I will, ironically, don't experience any nervousness and pretty grounded confidence in the interaction in the girl.

It's tricky because:

1. There's this culture/beliefs than certain "weak" aspects of personality are turn-off for women (or even creepy

2. But if I try to hide them I ll experience anxiety and therefore will make it worse. If I don't and accept them I'll have confidence.

Which one wins? Maybe the best is the balance between the two?

Two cents....You could relabel “image”.....”thought”. That’s all it is. “How to not defend a thought?”, brings out the silliness. You can just let that thought go, and a better feeling one arises.  “If I totally let go of a thought, I stop trying to defend a thought”.

On #1, just take ownership, and it basically evaporates.  “ I had this belief (a thought) that certain...”.    

Girls want to be happy just being themselves too, without adding nervousness, anxiety, etc. We have guidance of inner being, of feeling. It always cuts through the thinking. ”Not sure if the feeling of anxiety, or grounded & confident is the way to go”.  Also reveals the silly. You might find there to be an effortlessness here in attracting girls.

If you want to probe a little deeper...what you’re questioning “hiding”...also, is just a thought...”weak”. Just a thought. Be on the look out for self referential thought, and let those go. They can’t be true about you, as you are always the awareness of the thought. 

[Nickyy]

On 27/11/2019 at 6:58 PM, Javfly33 said:

How to not defend an image (let's say of 'toughness' or 'coolness') towards the female genre?

See, the thing is I have observed that if I totally let go of trying to show a certain image, or I stop trying to defend an image a might be un proud of (nervousness for example) I will, ironically, don't experience any nervousness and pretty grounded confidence in the interaction in the girl.

It's tricky because:

1. There's this culture/beliefs than certain "weak" aspects of personality are turn-off for women (or even creepy

2. But if I try to hide them I ll experience anxiety and therefore will make it worse. If I don't and accept them I'll have confidence.

Which one wins? Maybe the best is the balance between the two?

Just observe the negativity your mind is creating, take a step back from it and be honest with yourself about it, don't defend it, don't say it's good, don't identify with it, but don't condemn it, just be objectively honest about what it is and be honest about how it's impacting your life. Feel the feelings in your body in relation to this map that you created and watch how not indentifying with it helps you to come across a lot friendlier, and in turn this will make you a lot more attractive and will attract better situations into your experience.

The key is constant observation and not being fooled by it.