Difficulty Socializing & Making Friends

[NoMM]

I find it difficult to maintain friendships with people, it is as if though they lose interest after a while. Around people, I don't know which way to act to make them like me, I usually try being funny, doing spontaneous things or asking them questions, all the while they are distant and don't want anything to do with me. Usually, I am the one that always has to ask and make plans, I basically never get invited out anywhere. I am in my late teens, this meaning that I probably am better off than if I were in my twenties when it comes to this problem.

 

I have watched a multitude of different videos including Leos "How To Be Attractive" and I have trouble understanding how that theory is implemented and manifested in day to day social interaction. I often find myself in awkward pauses and not knowing what to say. Should I be polite? Should I be disagreeable? Should I ask them questions about them? Should I talk about me? Should I run away from speaking about abstract topics? Should I be optimistic about everything? I don't know which way to behave, they all seem to not work. I also don't want to appear as a loner (which I very much am).

 

Fundamentally I would like to reach a point where I could make friends and have a friend group, where I could play the leader. I often find myself overthinking about who I am being and whether they like me or not.

 

I have read Nathaniel Brandon's work and a multitude of other books on emotional stability as well as assertivity but the problem persists to be part of my life.

 

My question to the reader:

What is it that is making people not want anything to do with me? What behavior traits should I start to embody so that I can have friends? Which places is it best to go to meet people?

Edited November 28, 2019 by NoMM

[Rigel]

You're thinking way too hard about it. I know that it might not make sens for you right now but the best thing you could do is drop that whole story that you just wrote and go socializing with zero expectations. Just be yourself for God's sake! Even if you adopte some behavior that will attract people in the short terme you still won't be fulfilled. Be yourself and the right people will show up in your life. Now the trick is to actually be yourself. It's not that easy when you're stuck in thought loops of lack. But I think your main focus should be this instead of trying to fake it just so you can attract people. 

Much love?

[legendary]

Do you genuinely enjoy being around others and interacting with them?

If yes, then stop putting all this pressure on yourself and just enjoy your interactions.

If no, realize that being Mr/Ms popular isn't going to fundamentally change anything; you'll need to change yourself for that. But the first step would be to get rid of the neediness and start taking baby steps towards improving your interpersonal skills. And merely reading about this stuff doesn't count. Take it from a long-time theory junkie- it doesn't work until you apply what you read/see.

I'm an introvert, so I don't generally go out just for the sake of meeting people, but instead, for some activities, like a book club, billard with friends, volunteering, etc. That way we have something to do even if we run out of things to converse about. Find out what works for you and do it.

Cheers!

[DivineSoda]

Whatever advice you receive here or elsewhere, maintain your willingness to experiment without attachment to results. You will get better at it over time. 

[Leo Gura]

16 hours ago, NoMM said:

I have watched a multitude of different videos including Leos "How To Be Attractive" and I have trouble understanding how that theory is implemented and manifested in day to day social interaction. I often find myself in awkward pauses and not knowing what to say. Should I be polite? Should I be disagreeable? Should I ask them questions about them? Should I talk about me? Should I run away from speaking about abstract topics? Should I be optimistic about everything? I don't know which way to behave, they all seem to not work. I also don't want to appear as a loner (which I very much am).

Sounds to me like you just need much more experience socializing.

Socialization is just like tennis. To get good at it you must have many opportunities to practice.

So very practically you need to change your life around so that you have more socialization opportunities on a regular basis. The rest will mostly auto-correct.

You can't get good at socializing if you're alone most of the time.

There is no specific way that you must be when you socialize. You can basically be totally natural unless you're some kind of psycho, in which case you'll have to reign that in. Be chill, friendly, pleasant, playful, honest, expressive, and relaxed. That usually works best.

You'll be amazed at how often people just accept you exactly for how you are. Perhaps the biggest mistake of learning to socialize is to try to act a certain way to please people or meet their expectations. Just be you. Not everyone will jive with you, but that doesn't matter.

Be comfortable in your own skin. Act with strangers the same way you'd act with close family. Assume everyone already knows each other. Don't try to act cool or impressive.

As simple as all these things are, it can take years to learn. Especially if you've developed bad habits.

[SgtPepper]

For practicing socializing, I highly recommend joining a club, extracurricular activities, or some outside activity. The people you meet and the experiences are invaluable.

 

[NoMM]

@SgtPepper @Leo Gura @DivineSoda @legendary @Rigel  Thank you! I appreciate the effort you made to write those responses  

[Alissa]

@Lento I think this is what we were discussing about the other day. The bottom line of my words is Leo's comment ??

[universe]

Could be a lot of things and from a distance its hard to see whats really going on here.

General advice: Read "How to win friends and influence people" and watch Leos video on how to be funny.

[Nickyy]

On 27/11/2019 at 1:06 PM, NoMM said:

I find it difficult to maintain friendships with people, it is as if though they lose interest after a while. Around people, I don't know which way to act to make them like me, I usually try being funny, doing spontaneous things or asking them questions, all the while they are distant and don't want anything to do with me. Usually, I am the one that always has to ask and make plans, I basically never get invited out anywhere. I am in my late teens, this meaning that I probably am better off than if I were in my twenties when it comes to this problem.

 

I have watched a multitude of different videos including Leos "How To Be Attractive" and I have trouble understanding how that theory is implemented and manifested in day to day social interaction. I often find myself in awkward pauses and not knowing what to say. Should I be polite? Should I be disagreeable? Should I ask them questions about them? Should I talk about me? Should I run away from speaking about abstract topics? Should I be optimistic about everything? I don't know which way to behave, they all seem to not work. I also don't want to appear as a loner (which I very much am).

 

Fundamentally I would like to reach a point where I could make friends and have a friend group, where I could play the leader. I often find myself overthinking about who I am being and whether they like me or not.

 

I have read Nathaniel Brandon's work and a multitude of other books on emotional stability as well as assertivity but the problem persists to be part of my life.

 

My question to the reader:

What is it that is making people not want anything to do with me? What behavior traits should I start to embody so that I can have friends? Which places is it best to go to meet people?

At the moment you are paying more attention to your thoughts rather than just living life. 

Practice meditating , getting into the present moment and feel instead of think.

The answers you need will come to you at the time, not before.

Allow yourself to make mistakes and continue to practice letting go

Sometime in the near or not too distant future you will look back on this and wonder what all the fuss was about 

[NoMM]

@Leo Gura

On 28/11/2019 at 6:53 AM, Leo Gura said:

Sounds to me like you just need much more experience socializing.

Socialization is just like tennis. To get good at it you must have many opportunities to practice.

So very practically you need to change your life around so that you have more socialization opportunities on a regular basis. The rest will mostly auto-correct.

You can't get good at socializing if you're alone most of the time.

There is no specific way that you must be when you socialize. You can basically be totally natural unless you're some kind of psycho, in which case you'll have to reign that in. Be chill, friendly, pleasant, playful, honest, expressive, and relaxed. That usually works best.

You'll be amazed at how often people just accept you exactly for how you are. Perhaps the biggest mistake of learning to socialize is to try to act a certain way to please people or meet their expectations. Just be you. Not everyone will jive with you, but that doesn't matter.

Be comfortable in your own skin. Act with strangers the same way you'd act with close family. Assume everyone already knows each other. Don't try to act cool or impressive.

As simple as all these things are, it can take years to learn. Especially if you've developed bad habits.

Great advice, however there is more complexity to the matter at hand. Comparing myself to some folks I know, Im much funner to be around, much more socially coordinated, yet they seem to be able to build long term friendships, where as I, cannot. Usually people will ask to hangout with me again after our initial introduction to each-other but they soon start to discover "a truth" about me which makes them want to distance themselves from me. My father picked up on this fact when I was a kid, telling me, "You have a miraculous ability to attract people but when they start to discover your personality, they drop out". I don't know what it is experientially that makes them "drop out" Leo... The theory that I have in mind is this:

(1) I'm probably needy for human connection and friends. (2) This neediness is recognised (subconsciously) by the people I befriend as a low-status characteristic (3) the reason people choose to distance themselves from persons that display neediness is because, evolutionarily speaking, those people were a burden to the tribe.

Would you say this is accurate? If not, what do you think is the characteristic(s) that I possess that causes people to distance themselves from me?

Edited November 30, 2019 by NoMM

[Nickyy]

1 hour ago, NoMM said:

@Leo Gura

 

(1) I'm probably needy for human connection and friends. (2) This neediness is recognised (subconsciously) by the people I befriend as a low-status characteristic (3) the reason people choose to distance themselves from persons that display neediness is because, evolutionarily speaking, those people were a burden to the tribe.

Would you say this is accurate? If not, what do you think is the characteristic(s) that I possess that causes people to distance themselves from me?

You reflect what they don't want to look at in themselves. 

Understand that most people are operating with a false self, an ego, the last thing an ego wants to be reminded of is its own neediness. In society there is stigma around neediness.

The people who survive in the tribe are the ones who can cover up their neediness the best and play the ego games.

Edited November 30, 2019 by Nickyy

[NoMM]

@Nickyy 

I do know people who are truly not needy. It is not at all a cover up, and it isn't that they're so good at hiding it either. 

They don't overthink friendships and wanting friends, maintaining friendships just comes naturally to them, it runs in them like autopilot. The majority of people around me are this way (around 80%). Non-needy people do very well exist.

Would you say you are experiencing the same issue i am?

Edited November 30, 2019 by NoMM

[Nickyy]

40 minutes ago, NoMM said:

@Nickyy 

I do know people who are truly not needy. It is not at all a cover up, and it isn't that they're so good at hiding it either. 

They don't overthink friendships and wanting friends, maintaining friendships just comes naturally to them, it runs in them like autopilot. The majority of people around me are this way (around 80%). Non-needy people do very well exist.

Would you say you are experiencing the same issue i am?

Most people are functioning from a place of deficiency. It's only really a small number of people who have been able to break out of those mind patterns and into a state of being. 

It may seem as if there are a lot of confidence people, but the ego can seem very confident. It's not until you transcend the ego in yourself that you see how almost everybody is bound by it. 

The ego doesn't really have friends or relationships, it is only a surface thing, a conditional exchange or transactional relationship if you resonate with that term? 

 

Edited November 30, 2019 by Nickyy

[Nickyy]

@NoMM I think the reason you can't see it is because you put others on a pedestal and play status games with them.

As soon as you stop playing status games you will see how everyone is playing status games, no matter how subtle. You will feel free from that social matrix of definitions. 

 

Until that happens you will not see it, so it's probably a good thing that you feel that you are below others, this means you have more chance of challenging your ego. Most people have no idea what the ego is, they ARE it, they don't see it and how it functions. 

[NoMM]

@Nickyy I'm sure the "ego talk" you gave has its use, just not now. Not for me. People on this forum tend to make other people seem like they are blind, you included. You would be amazed at how much people actually knew about the sort of stuff discussed on this forum, there are conscious people that do engage in non surface level communications, friendships and relationships and it isn't like they are rare either. 

[Nickyy]

1 hour ago, NoMM said:

@Nickyy I'm sure the "ego talk" you gave has its use, just not now. Not for me. People on this forum tend to make other people seem like they are blind, you included. You would be amazed at how much people actually knew about the sort of stuff discussed on this forum, there are conscious people that do engage in non surface level communications, friendships and relationships and it isn't like they are rare either. 

This is your imagination. Most people are not aware of the ego, that's just a fact of life. An awake person is not going to reject you because they perceive you as "low status". If you find that this is what people are doing to you then it's better to see the collective ego game for what it is.

For the sake of this thought experiment, I would put you at very low level of unconscious identification, where the people who you look up to as better than you are slightly more aware of their behaviour. This doesn't make them aware of the ego, it just means they are slightly less unconscious than you.

When you actually have relationships with people (rather than analysis from your perspective as you do) you will realize most are unconscious.

Ego aware and construct aware are levels beyond yellow, everyone has access to all the stages, but most are at blue orange and green and fixated there. 

Edited December 1, 2019 by Nickyy

[NoMM]

@Nickyy Sure, sure. Your whole theory is a justification for my not being able to maintain friendships, this has a use, just not in my case. My whole thing is that I would like to build and maintain friendships, not justify why they cant stick around. An awake person of course wont judge you for being low-status, but that being said a person can be conscious of the dynamics that play out in their mind about social status with out being awake/enlightened. 

[Nickyy]

14 minutes ago, NoMM said:

@Nickyy Sure, sure. Your whole theory is a justification for my not being able to maintain friendships, this has a use, just not in my case. My whole thing is that I would like to build and maintain friendships, not justify why they cant stick around. An awake person of course wont judge you for being low-status, but that being said a person can be conscious of the dynamics that play out in their mind about social status with out being awake/enlightened. 

Having an understanding of the ego will help you with your friendships because every time you get a glimpse of true nature you release a little bit of fear. But in order to understand the ego you got to understand the concept of "everyone else" and the story of a so called society and all these little traps that keep you identified with it. 

Saying to yourself that others are woke is kind of bullshitting yourself, it's better to see the ego for what it is, unconsciousness, and within that spectrum of unconsciousness there are varying degrees of fear 

Edited December 1, 2019 by Nickyy