3rd time 5 Meo

[Rob_91]

This morning I decided to go at it again, for the first time without a tripsitter. I weighed out 10 mg, insufflated and layed down on my bed. It kicked in very fast. Heartrate through the roof, doing weird sounds pumping. witch witch witch witch. "Good" I thought, as I established a jogging routine recently. 

I instantly recognized the place where I was going to, the same  place where it always takes you. yanked out of my life once again. pretty early I started to get a bit desperate. I couldnt fully surrender. I was stuck in an infinite strange loop I knew I wouldnt get out of. I banged my arms and legs against the wooden boards of my bed. I felt like Neo as he was getting unplugged from the matrix for the first time. My naked body was doing weird symmetrical poses, for example I would lie on my stomach and my hands go over my back. Afterwards I reemerge for a short moment, but realize that the experience is not nearly done with me. Fighting it will not work. At this point I wasnt sure if I will survive it. Things I read on this forum made more sense to me, for example the god stuck in infinity with himself part. I didnt notice how I had fallen out of bed, but about halfway through the experience I found myself on the floor. I pulled myself under my bed where all kind of old shit was lying around covered in dust and bathed in it. Martin Ball came to mind "and this is god too". I was grasping for air, thinking if I wouldnt consciously breathe I would suffocate. Then I melted again and I was thinking I have gone officially insane now. Im going to the madhouse. Later i learned that this is a typical egoic mechanism (reading Martin Balls guide). Slowly the experience lessened in intensity, I vividly remember the moment I was reemerging felt like Doctor Strange going through the whole universe and then being dropped off back again on the floor. Fuck yes, I'm me again! I'm here again! I got out! I was lying on the ground, staring at a dust particle, holding onto the foot of my chair. The thought of cleaning up later still seemed very surreal at this point. Finally I was able to get up, hurl myself back to bed and putting the sheets over me, freezing. I knew I had been given a second chance.

 

This whole thing sounds very negative, but I actually dont regret the experience, because 

1. I was afraid of doing it again after 3 months and I conquered my fear and

2. even tough I had many insights from my first 2 sessions, some time passed since then in which i could get some perspective on them, also getting some new input (tryptamine palace by James Oroc) and I had the chance during this experience to further contemplate some concepts.

 

What I've learned:

-Gratefulness

-dont trip naked

-I am god

-think before you do this again