Depersonalization Vs. Enlightenment

[Inliytened1]

5 hours ago, Average Investor said:

@Inliytened1 "Was a feeling of separation from the body while I was looking down the mountain. An experience of just being experience I think.  

 Yes it may have been a non-dual state or a state of pure Being which is blissful.   It just didn't accompany any particular realization..as in you were the experience.  (That you are pure awareness)

[Nahm]

@Average Investor At your end, it will lead to emotions, and some outpouring & healing... as a starting place here..this is what stands out to me. (Also, not to feed into the story but...you might wanna get a good night’s sleep before reading this.)

17 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I have depersonalization disorder. I read that obviously it isn't the same thing as enlightenment. But how can I really determine the difference?

The separate self only exists in thought. It is perpetuated and kept “alive”, only in the nuances of our thinking. In thought alone, there is an idea of me, which is believed to be me, and feeling will never align with this belief as the idea of me,  is of the past, and feeling is only now, and is of the true self. 

It’s important to make the distinction between when one is unconscious, and conscious. Not unconscious as in sleeping, or passed out. We can walk, talk, live, and even somewhat thrive - completely unconscious. Again, it’ll “open some wounds”, but that is the beginning of the deeper healing desired. When we feel a way we would not choose to feel, we are unconscious. No one would consciously choose to feel ‘not good’, so when one does, one can deduce one is actually unconscious. When the suppressed feelings come up, either they are allowed to arise and pass through, or thinking is utilized to construct a thought story of the emotion. The thought story will have “the separate self” in it (thoughts of you), and will transpire in the past or future. There will always be another person in the thought story. Here is the critical difference. You’ve got to catch the mind assigning the feeling, in anyway whatsoever, to the past, future, and or other person. In this way we can remain present, and then the emotion empties out freely. That can be rough, but there is soon a very deep, yet very subtle sense of peace present. From then on the purification is easier in terms of feeling / relief / release (though it still looks rough as heel to any onlookers). 

Who do you believe has depersonalization disorder? You must believe you are an individual, a human, the one who has a “disorder”, etc. Maybe they are one and the same. The “disorder”, and the “separate self” are never actually seen or found, but kept going via the patterns of thinking dancing around this fact. If you look for, or try to go to the “disorder”, or “the separate self” - it can feel scary - but it results in relief, because neither can ever be found. But one must look, with the genuine desire & intent to find. This is “facing the fear”, resulting in the visceral realizing there is none. Have you practiced writing, journaling, and scrutinizing your writing, marking the nouns / pronouns, etc? When it’s in front of the eyes, the mind can ”identify“ the separate self as only in the words, and the realization then happens. There is an epiphany that sounds sort of like “holy cow..I’ve literally been speaking & writing about a second self, as if I was not the one speaking & writing”. 

17 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I read that obviously it isn't the same thing as enlightenment. But how can I really determine the difference?

This is the ‘getting down to it’, meeting the mind at it’s incredible sneakiness. Notice, there is an assumption that there is a difference. This is in and of itself a protective barrier. Because there is no separate self, there is no disorder - therefore, there also is no difference that could ever be found. The level of scrutiny required is highly detail oriented. The word “it” is being used as a write off - notice there is not an “it” at all, but notice how this slips right by us in our speaking / writing, and this reveals the slipping by in our thinking. 

16 hours ago, Average Investor said:

if it was my ego fueling something

“My ego” is a write off. There’s no such thing as an ego. Supporting that there is, in thought, speaking, writing...is how this situation is perpetuated and kept going. It’s that sneaky. That single action, or rather, unchecked action, of thought - is this.. “The Devil”. It’s been sneakin people for thousands of years, the majority of the population is deeply under “it’s” spell. But the separate self, the write off, the devil, the disorder, and the idea of me - do not exist as entities, or even as any thing anywhere in the world, but in your thoughts. I would wake up every morning and outright admit, “I am the sneakiest entity which has ever, ever, existed”, and then meditate. 

It is common for a couple weeks of meditation to be pleasant and relaxing. One is stating in an unspoken manor - “I am done with this suffering, I am done being a separate self, I’m slowing down and doing something about this”. And adopts the practice of meditation. The body response in kind, “Well fuck ya man, let’s do this thing. Here comes all the shit you innocently shoved down up in this place, it’s coming out and we’re healing, let’s rock this.”......and thought says “yeah right, I don’t think so. We’ll make this about someone else, somewhere else, and or some other time...and we’ll label the feeling of the whole charade....”bad”. And that’s the end of that.  Instead, to expedite this, try daily practices like yoga, and anything oriented towards ‘moving awareness’ through out the body. This results in a ‘safe’ inner body reassurance, and a reconnecting with now, feeling - presence.

17 hours ago, Average Investor said:

some states of consciousness I was in just seemed different than what would normally occur with depersonalization

The theme is sneakery. States of consciousness - “ I “ - was “ in “. I understand the semantics, and again I don’t mean any personal offense. Consciousness is absolute fundamental. There can never be a “you” which is “in” a state of consciousness. This is the thinking which perpetuates the belief that there is a separate self. It happens ‘right under our noses’, in thinking. Also, the reference is a comparison to what would ‘normally occur with depersonalization’ which does not exist whatsoever. There is not a “you” which was a person, and is “becoming” not a person. There is no separate self which is “depersonalizing”. That is entirely, only, a thought story. The separate self (thought) supports the disorder (another thought). Claiming (just a thought) the disorder (just a thought) perpetuates the separate self (just a thought) who has “it” (just a thought). It is not uncommon for experiences to ‘get one half way there’, and critical scrutiny to ‘bring us home’. An obstacle comes to mind -“but everyone, Nahm, Leo - everyone - talks in this same way - “me”, “I”, “you”, etc.” It has to be acknowledge & realized, that difference between relative linguistic communication, and the clarity of the actuality within, by one. 

16 hours ago, Average Investor said:

Was a feeling of separation from the body while I was looking down the mountain. An experience of just being experience I think. 

A good feeling is a good feeling, and I’m not at all knocking that. However, this also jumps out at me. There is a thought pattern at play, which supports the separate self, in the perspective it is good to separate from the body. I would suggest seeking in the opposite direction, detaching from the believing of thoughts, and going into the feeling in the body. 

17 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I was a little anxious today

“Anxious” is a write off. It’s a very popular one, but it is a write off. In removing the write off, the label or term - one is then forced to see what the feeling actually is. The true I has is never “anxious”. The true I is the unconditional love, which is being suppressed, by choosing the thinking instead of the feeling of the message. It is slippery sneaky, but these are the nuances in thought to uncover, to root out the separate self.  “I am _________” is the most profound life experience shaping thought / words that could ever be uttered. The true self is not identifiable, only know to itself.  I would pause indefinitely before finishing that statement, and allow it to be lost into silence, the true I am. 

16 hours ago, Average Investor said:

An experience of just being experience I think.

Being, is a reference which gets confused. The “experience” of being, is not like “unbelievably relaxed”, nor “profound peacefulness”. Being, is literally an infinite being knowing only, itself. When the chair is you as much as “you” are “you”, being is known, and only Being is known, there is no chair anymore, there is literally no self anymore. No notions of a self, no inclination, no belief there is a self, nor any beliefs that there ever was a self. One can not be experience, as this is sneakery at play, supporting & perpetuating that there is this “separate one” who could be something (experience). Not to mention, the self referential thought, “I think”. (Pointing out nuances in the name of helpfulness here ??)

16 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I had just kind of wondered if it was my ego fueling something

There is not an I which possesses an ego. Again, there’s no such thing as separation, a separate being / entity, or an ego. “Matter” arises appearing as “objects” of infinite being, pure potentiality, and never isn’t infinite being. In truth, “objects” never even “appear” as separate objects. A thought that a thing is separate arises, and is believed...and be indirect default, there is the belief I am also a separate object - separate from the “object” I am believing is separate. The “objects” body, perception, thought, and sensation, all arise simultaneously with what gets referred to as, “objects”. There is no separation in any of this. Thought is known, a separate “object” - thought - is never known. Perception is known. A separate “object” “perceived” is never known. Sensation is known. A separate “object” “sensed”, is never known. In science terms...if there seems to be a “hard problem of science”, a difficulty in finding the answer of how the quantum world meets the atomic world, the answer is there is no you. “You” are the “reason” there seems to be (but isn’t) a “hard problem of science”. It is because the entirety, every “thing” that could be named in direct experience, arises simultaneously - combined with the belief “I am a separate self”, that there seems to be this problem. 

16 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I think I am probably at about 7 years or so now

One of, perhaps the greatest tool of sneakery, is time. Time does not exist. There is not actually “7 years of depersonalization”. What there actually is, is a belief right now, in seven years of depersonalization. This is how the separate self, the ego, and the “disorder” “stays alive”, how it is perpetuated. It is no more than a story being retold, reinforced, re-believed, again and again, right under our noses. 

Really take a minute and contemplate - there is no past. Nothing “happened”. There is no future “coming”. These are just thoughts. 

Feel the truth in this. Feel the liberation in this. You are not bound by a damn thing. Nothing. It will never feel good to believe you are, to think you are, to write that you are, to hear that you are, or to speak that you are. This is the deeper meaning, the true wisdom of these very symbols...???. To sin, is to speak ill against The Self. You are That True Self. To repeat ill against The Self, is to believe one is ill, and to sustain that belief.

Likewise, this symbol...♥️...is profound and wise. What arises to the top, is duality, twoness - all thinking is such. What this symbol points to, downward, is where this love comes from, but as the symbol reflects, it can only be pointed to, never symbolized. The om symbol (not emoji available ironically) points to the fact, that what the heart points to, can not be named or spoken. Symbols are important to grasp, as they undercut words, and reveal that all words are too, symbols. 

17 hours ago, Average Investor said:

It's quite manageable just because I am use to it anymore.

Not feeling fucking awesome is not something to be considered normal or managed.It is not something to ‘get used to’. It is something to be inspected and released. 

17 hours ago, Average Investor said:

. I have felt like maybe I have a couple day period where it does not happen though now, but I don't really track it or anything. But typically everyday for part of the day. Sometimes not very noticeable at all if my mood is elevated quite high. I use to have it where I would be depersonalized for months on end for the whole day. Would actually feel surprised to "feel" sometimes.  C

Right now is all there is. Look around, smell, feel, breath, hear. That’s it man. That’s “everything”. That’s infinity. That is it.  Notice how sneaky thinking is, so easily slipping into a “past” and using it to justify it’s own leaving of the now. This is the sneakery which perpetuates the story of the separate self, the “one” who is “moving through time”. You are the infinity, the entirety - you are not the body, or the person, in the story of time. You are the time. 

17 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I actually feel depersonalized typing this to you.

That’s a good sign, and I would hone in on it. Why doesn’t it feel good typing that story? I suggest it’s because none of it is true...because you are the Truth. 

16 hours ago, Average Investor said:

It's kind of like the minds self defense for trauma it seems,

It is, but it’s not “the mind’s”, it is only itself, thought. Not the thought of “the mind” - just thoughts, and that is all. For there to be “my mind’s”, or “the mind’s”, the thoughts must be believed, which is how the separate self is “created”, in thoughts. 

but it just could not stop doing it.

That’s a golden insight. The thoughts can not stop. In a way, thought is bravely, courageously - protecting God, in the inner being sense. It’s sort of noble and respectable in a way. However, God does not need anything. Flip that whole direction. Let thoughts go (rather than hold emotion in), and let the love in, “up” & out, washing all the stories of self, past & future, away.  

 

16 hours ago, Average Investor said:

expressing it, which seems rather hard to do usually.  In my case it was just very prolonged abuse from many different people until I reached high school. I never really had a time where I was not present around an abuser. Physical or emotional. Once the abuse stopped is when I started having heavier issues. I have experienced remote viewing of myself once as well early on in it. I imagine enlightenment would feel much more pleasant.  

Enlightenment is much more pleasant, but why is that? Probe deeper. Enlightenment = the actuality of unconditional love, infinite being - the true you. When we are threatened, abused, etc, we block the feelings, to protect our true self, the inner being. This was never needed, but of course nobody could be expected at present, to know or understand this, especially given an environment of people who are very far from wisdom. There is a yin to all yangs though, and it is you, rising like an ignorance crushing Pheonix out of all this, and paying it forward so other to come will benefit from the wars you survived. This is your Shaktipat, your opportunity to know and live the greatest love, the selfless giving of your love. The more you give, the more you embody. Everybody “wins”. This is the supreme existence incarnate. This is where you’re headed, the greatest height of life, what you have been through, and that you come out of it a renewed and yet untouched pristine love, will speak volumes in presence. Notice the relationship between inspecting the nuances of the thoughts in words, and never actually needing any to convey what is real. 

7 hours ago, Average Investor said:

Still do some ocd stuff

Thought searches to no end, never finding feeling. Feeling, reconnection, extinguishes the “apparent needs” of thought, and it ceases. Focus, concentration, attention, sky rocket naturally, like a cork released from being held underwater. 

17 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I imagine enlightenment would feel much more pleasant.  

Also, this is a very contemporary perspective. Enlightenment is not sought, attained, and correcting of feeling. Thought is properly inspected, emotion is cathartically releases - and the end “result”, is enlightenment. When it does “occur”, it will take at least a year to even connect the dots, that this was that thing you referenced. It is that profound. So don’t imagine it. Stay true to yourself, to feeling great, to inspecting and releasing. 

6 hours ago, Average Investor said:

The infinity thing was quite a bit deeper.

This, even more so. Infinity is unmistakable, earth, life, space, time, shattering. Unspeakable, ineffable. 

16 hours ago, Average Investor said:

@JustThinkingAloud Yeah, I definitely can appreciate myself. Life is very enjoyable for me currently. Someone interacting with me would not have any idea that I have the disorder. It's more of a prolonged feeling of detachment from yourself and surroundings. Kind of feels like watching a movie or TV show, but it is your life. Ego and identity is still present, but it kind of numbs out or stuffs away your thoughts unless you are really anxious etc.  

Blow that up! Expand it. Go try some new to you healing modalities. Make dream board, and dream the impossible life - and actually live it. 

Someone does not notice you have a disorder, because you do not have a disorder. There is nothing wrong with you, sans the belief itself, that something is “wrong” with you. The “prolonged feeling of detachment” is only from feelings. It is through feeling, sensation, love - that all is connected - that all is One. You are The One. “Ego & identity” are not present. Thought to that tune are still being believed, so it seems so. It is like holding a filter at the end of a flashlight, it skews all that is seen on the wall. Thoughts, are “on the wall”. Don’t believe what is thought or seen, inspect the flashlight. 

2 hours ago, Average Investor said:

My sense of awareness and connection to my body/surroundings. 

Notice the sneakery at play. Again, it seems semantically, but their is no such thing as “my awareness’. This is like a cell phone claiming “my wifi”. The wifi is the wifi. You are awareness. Scrutiny your direct experience, and notice you can never find this “sense” “awareness”. It brings to mind the example of that there is no nonexistance, nor is there such a thing or state as nonawareness. If you imagine someone claiming that there is, you could ask them - what was then present, to make such a claim. Surely, only in being aware of “nonexistence” or “nonawareness” could someone make such a claim. But in making the claim, they reveal they were aware, they existed. 

3 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I identify with myself. But I suppose with an enlightening experience I would not. 

Inspect that to complete satisfaction - and there is enlightenment. Hold it in a future thought story, and such a “future”, of course, never “comes”.

2 hours ago, Average Investor said:

I mean I do feel more accepting now if I were to die on a mountain or etc. I actually climbed it because I had a fear of dying on one in winter. 

This is where it all heads to...ultimately the beliefs and perpetuation in them sustains the veiling, the living in thought as “a separate self”, which one day dies. But death is a belief, again, a popular one, but a belief in total nonetheless. (Watch Leo’s death video if you haven’t, it’s phenomenal)

Death is Actual You - Unconditional Love. 

Do you see the correlation yet? The feeling of bliss on the mountain, which represented the ‘facing of the fear’, of death = cutting away at the stories of the separate self, at it root - at death. ??

Again, I know this is harsh and critical. I hope it is all taken as an offering of love. 

[Raptorsin7]

Jeez, really felt inspired today eh @Nahm LOL 

 

[JustThinkingAloud]

@Nahm

Wow, human imagination really is unlimited.

[Raptorsin7]

@Nahm  It is subtle. But when the mind is quiet, there is an awareness of all sensations present. You're telling me that I will never find a separate self in addition to any sensation. So when I say, I am present, the truth of the situation is there is only whatever is experienced as presence. Whatever your calling my presence is just presence, drop the my and you got the truth. 

 Meditation does not automatically bring this level of awareness of self. Reading the words as if they are being spoken to me seems to be the magic of this post. 

Edited November 27, 2019 by Raptorsin7

[Nahm]

4 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

awareness of self

awareness = self / no self 

[zeroISinfinity]

Great to be THIS. ONE

YES ❤️. 

Unlimited, unbound, free, at peace and as such great love. 

Truth is amazing. 

Prepare yourself kiddo you know what will happen, Yeah Yeah well got use to. 

[dorg]

@Nahm thanks for that great long post of yours.

[Nahm]

@dorg Thanks. Hopefully it’s useful. 

[Average Investor]

@Nahm Alright, so I gave myself another good 10 hour rest. I feel much much better today. I read your post and meditated on it for an hour. Thank you so much for your time and insight that you are providing me. 

You're right that is definitely an unconscious way to live. While meditating there isn't really any of these concepts that effect me, so I assume during this state my consciousness is much higher. They only exist when I allow them to. I will work on making myself present catching myself assigning this feeling. I believe as I was on the mountain top I was fully present, so there was no thought of self, past, or future. 

I have believed that I am an individual with this disorder for a long time.  I did just have the thought/feeling come up of being depersonalized, but remaining present seems to be keeping it away. I will give the writing a try. But I do have a glimpse of what you mean just making this reply. 

 

I am done suffering.

I am done being a separate self. 

I am slowing down and doing something about this. 

I will mediate on this and give yoga another try. I am working on my room structure to allow more of this.

 

No offence taken. I am here to learn and grow. I will focus in on feeling the body more instead of focusing on believing in thoughts.  

I am

 

You're right there is no real time. It's just a fantasy created by the mind. I mediated on this and was relived for an hour of this story I have created. 

I am free from this disorder. I am free from this story. I am free from the past.

 

I will feel awesome. I do feel awesome. 

20 hours ago, Nahm said:

Enlightenment is much more pleasant, but why is that? Probe deeper. Enlightenment = the actuality of unconditional love, infinite being - the true you. When we are threatened, abused, etc, we block the feelings, to protect our true self, the inner being. This was never needed, but of course nobody could be expected at present, to know or understand this, especially given an environment of people who are very far from wisdom. There is a yin to all yangs though, and it is you, rising like an ignorance crushing Pheonix out of all this, and paying it forward so other to come will benefit from the wars you survived. This is your Shaktipat, your opportunity to know and live the greatest love, the selfless giving of your love. The more you give, the more you embody. Everybody “wins”. This is the supreme existence incarnate. This is where you’re headed, the greatest height of life, what you have been through, and that you come out of it a renewed and yet untouched pristine love, will speak volumes in presence. Notice the relationship between inspecting the nuances of the thoughts in words, and never actually needing any to convey what is real. 

That was beautiful. I do believe that I have the ability to bring others much of what I have learned.  I'm working on finding new channel to bring even more love into the world. It will take some time, but I think you are right

 

I have a board placed in my room that has all of my goals from material to self and love. It's gradually expanding and becoming greater and greater. I will try some healing modalities. I mostly just mediate right now every day for one hour. It is become such a lovely experience. You're right there is nothing wrong with me. 

I think you guys are right more and more that I get close to death. When I climbed the mountain I only had spikes on one foot. I was 9000ft+ elevation I was at the peak and fell on plain ice that was at a very steep angle I slid for a few feet and stopped myself with the spiked foot. Looking down I absorbed what it might be like to "die" and it really did not seem bad. It wasn't harsh at all. I feel excellent reading over this a few times. I gained a lot of wisdom from this and I will refer back to it later. 

I plan to continue my path of love and awesomeness. I am going to mediate heavily on

"I am done suffering.

I am done being a separate self. 

I am slowing down and doing something about this."

Thank you again.

 

 

[JustThinkingAloud]

8 minutes ago, Average Investor said:

I think you guys are right more and more that I get close to death. When I climbed the mountain I only had spikes on one foot. I was 9000ft+ elevation I was at the peak and fell on plain ice that was at a very steep angle I slid for a few feet and stopped myself with the spiked foot. Looking down I absorbed what it might be like to "die" and it really did not seem bad. 

I'd be careful with this. Your fear of death is keeping you alive, especially when you're doing "extreme" sports. I ride a motorcycle and I like to push it, if I wasn't scared of dying, I'd be already dead.

[Average Investor]

@JustThinkingAloud I am going to buy some high end spikes if we go next early winter. The one spike was lent because we decided to go on a whim. I got crushed physically because I brought enough gear to fight off a snow storm we might have had come in. I would have be able to probably last a few days if there was something extreme happening.  I have bruises up my thighs just from the climb and not hitting them lol. I think I am still too much on the side of being too afraid of death. I am still aware and protect myself and react as needed though. I researched how to survive andavalanche before we went too. So I do try and take some precautions. 

I would intent to live out this form to it's highest potential. Going on a climb sucks because I do not physically train to climb mountains. I mostly train just to run a marathon. It is a hard mental and physical battle that makes me much stronger. It makes me not give up even when things get tough. It helps me dissolve fear and I usually have a lot of growth from it. As this climb even pushed me into this thread here, which I feel will have a lasting impact. 

[JustThinkingAloud]

@Average Investor Quite interesting, thank you for sharing.

I got a rule to ride at 80% of my skills to allow for problems, we have a lot of wild life here. The way I make myself faster is that I keep learning and my 80% is improving so I can ride faster. I've already brainwashed myself enough on "be careful" for it to become subconscious. It's a constant focus and I can't afford a moment to just let go and chill unless I've already created a solid subconscious skill of how to handle the speed.

[Average Investor]

@JustThinkingAloud

Fantasy of things is what makes up my fear of them. The reason I was afraid of going in the winter was because I had seen this girl go hiking on mountain by herself and I don't believe she has been recovered yet. It's been a month or so. I was pretty sad learning more and more of this. It intruded a bit on one of my mushroom trips. I had constantly thought of death daily for about a month or so after the trip. It has been good for me I think over all. Then leading up to going to do this and just facing it. The mountain itself was actually pretty safe. If I had my own pair of good spikes it would not be too difficult.

The picture you see of me that lake below was at 5000ft elevation. We were intending to just go to the lake which was 5 miles, but we picked up hitch hikers and went the whole way which was 24 miles. That picture was maybe half way at that point, but was a massive amount of elevation.  4 hours at the end we ran out of water. I had no flash light etc. We got out after 2am maybe 3 or 4 am. I got challenged by a mountain goat just a bit blow the level I took that picture in. I stood a on rock at the peak of this to face my fear of heights and it is still not gone. You can't see it in the picture really, but my eyes are kind of red. I was crying reflecting on my life up until that point. Just a year before I weighed 50 more pounds. I could not even fathom climbing that with the mindset I had. I would have just given up. My life was so much different. This was the unfolding of a new chapter. The mountain itself was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. The following week my body felt like I had been in a car crash from the sheer pain of it. That hike took about 17 hours straight. I did this hike in a pair of running shoes with not much experience. It was an advanced hike. It was kind of stupid and dangerous in some aspects, but the rewards are massive.

Sometimes the boundary or limit you set on yourself just has to be pushed. I don't mean just the bike. But everything.  

 

[JustThinkingAloud]

1 minute ago, Average Investor said:

@JustThinkingAloud

Fantasy of things is what makes up my fear of them. The reason I was afraid of going in the winter was because I had seen this girl go hiking on mountain by herself and I don't believe she has been recovered yet. It's been a month or so. I was pretty sad learning more and more of this. It intruded a bit on one of my mushroom trips. I had constantly thought of death daily for about a month or so after the trip. It has been good for me I think over all. Then leading up to going to do this and just facing it. The mountain itself was actually pretty safe. If I had my own pair of good spikes it would not be too difficult.

The picture you see of me that lake below was at 5000ft elevation. We were intending to just go to the lake which was 5 miles, but we picked up hitch hikers and went the whole way which was 24 miles. That picture was maybe half way at that point, but was a massive amount of elevation.  4 hours at the end we ran out of water. I had no flash light etc. We got out after 2am maybe 3 or 4 am. I got challenged by a mountain goat just a bit blow the level I took that picture in. I stood a on rock at the peak of this to face my fear of heights and it is still not gone. You can't see it in the picture really, but my eyes are kind of red. I was crying reflecting on my life up until that point. Just a year before I weighed 50 more pounds. I could not even fathom climbing that with the mindset I had. I would have just given up. My life was so much different. This was the unfolding of a new chapter. The mountain itself was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. The following week my body felt like I had been in a car crash from the sheer pain of it. That hike took about 17 hours straight. I did this hike in a pair of running shoes with not much experience. It was an advanced hike. It was kind of stupid and dangerous in some aspects, but the rewards are massive.

Sometimes the boundary or limit you set on yourself just has to be pushed. I don't mean just the bike. But everything.  

 

Wow!

It took me a whole year to get rid of my fear of riding (not fear of death) but I so wanted to be able to ride well that I didn't give up. Even now I keep telling myself that I don't have to worry about anything as long as I'm careful and know what I'm doing to get rid of my occasional fear.

And yes! It's an amazing feeling to conquer the fear and learn skills that allow us to push the boundaries big time! I still have a great feeling after every ride, to me it's like flying, with all the forces I don't even feel "attached" to the bike, it's just me, the wind and nothing else. 

[Nahm]

@Average Investor You are beautiful my man ????

[Average Investor]

@JustThinkingAloud I have had fear of heights my whole life. I still could not say they are completely gone. Maybe I will ride in a plane or sky dive lol. Sometimes the most enjoyment is really found in the fear. 

[Average Investor]

@Nahm Same goes for you. Your site looks exciting as well. I will await to see it's progress.