10 grams of dried mushrooms alone: facing insanity and entering Godhead

[Kazman]

After having done a number of low-medium doses of magic mushrooms by myself and with others I made the decision to take a big dose by myself. 
The recent trips that I had done had all been with other people involved, and every time I had been a bit annoyed that they talked too much and distracted themselves and me, and I always felt that I could've gone deeper.
It was almost like a message, by the end of the last trip on a low dose with others, I was lying by myself in my friends bed and felt like I was in communion with the mushroom spirits, or my own guides, or my higher self, whatever. And the message was that I am ready to go deep, I've proved that this is for me and that this can truly help me and that I can handle it.
I decided on the number of ten grams, it felt like a good even number and I had a vague memory that that is what Terrence Mckenna defined as a heroic dose. Then I looked it up and found out that Terrence Mckenna said that 5 grams is a heroic dose and I got a little scared. But I didn't want to go lower than 10, I had already made up my mind, and after all, Kilindi does 20. 
My strongest trip before this one was probably around 4 grams so it was quite the jump.
So came the day that I had planned it with my family. I had eaten a very light breakfast, just a fruit smoothie, because I usually fast before and during trips. My wife and my two kids aged 4 and 1 left the house and I started the ceremony.
First I cleared the house with Palo Santo, it's something that I'd been thinking of for a while but hadn't gotten around to and I felt like it was a good start of the session.
I put away all the knives, not really thinking that it was a necessity but that I might as well.
I started to weigh my stash of mushrooms and as I filled the bowl with ten grams I got scared again, it looked like a lot. I put it on the stove with the juice of two lemons and some water on the lowest temperature and laid down on a yoga mat and did shamanic breathing for twenty minutes. I was really pumped and excited and I laughed a lot like a maniac during the breathing session.
After that I went back to the kitchen, took the mushrooms and put them in a cup and placed them in front of myself on the table. I like to begin and end the session with setting the intention with Tingsha bells. I prayed for all the help I could get and repeated to myself why I was doing this: communion with my truest nature, what I love and value most of all, to help me integrate and embody higher teachings and wisdom, to deepen my meditations, to help me synthesize all the domains I love in my life into a whole and to let go of anything that holds me back.
I rang the tingsha bells. I started eating the mushroom tea. I say eat because it was more like mushroom porridge, holy cow. I didn't take it lightly, I knew it was gonna be challenging, but I was still very optimistic and overall positive. 
I laid myself down in the bed upstairs when I was done, under a blanket, and closed my eyes, no lights, nobody around. This was just around lunch time, 12 o clock. 
I don't remember as many details about this trip as I usually do, maybe that's to be expected as the intensity increases. The effects came on quite quickly, they usually do for me, and I got very meditative, my whole body felt vibrating and my eyes rolled back. I remember thinking: "what a wonderful silence" and then I started laughing at the fact that I had just ruined the silence with my own thinking. 
I then remember the usual mushroom experience getting started. So hard to articulate. Like I was in many different places at once. I could sense my body on the bed but that was such a tiny piece of the picture, there was definitely a lot of out of body experience going on, sensations all over. Visual, sensory and beyond. This went on for a while. An annoying urge to pee came up. I went to the bathroom and I had decided prior to the trip that I would consume any urine until the trip was over. It was just one full glass and it was quite pale. I said to myself: I just drank this, don't try to get away, mushroom friends. And I took the thing down no problem. Hardly any taste or colour or smell.
I went back and continued the journeying. 
I don't remember much details from here on but I guess things got really intense and my ego got a strong reaction. Even though I'm well read up on how the ego can react and how to handle it this was so intense and I was so delirious that I believed my ego. This turned super difficult.
I always thought bad trips were bad because you saw horrible scary hallucinations and felt awful things. But in this case it was the ego's lies and stories that were awful. I remember trying to control myself but having no possibility. Looking at the stairs, and all of a sudden they're gone and I'm gone, moments later they are back and as soon as they are back I remember that I have no control, and somehow the ego made me believe that I had gone mad, forever, that I was broken. And the scary part was that I believed it, even though it was unbelievable. 
This was so grim and awful, I can't fully put it into words. But I was fully convinced that my life was ruined. I thought of memories from my childhood, I thought of all the promise I had showed, I thought of all my hopes and ambitions. I said to myself, again and again: "I've gone insane. I've gone insane. I can't believe it. Fuck." I thought to myself that my kids had lost their father. This felt worst of all of course. And I was so delirious that I bought into the story 100%. I knew it was true and it was the worst situation I've ever had to deal with. I couldn't even deal with it because 80% of the time I was lost in a mushroom storm of insanity, a nightmarish strangeloop where cause and effect merged into the same thing and my surroundings blurred in and out.  I remember looking at details in the house and seeing reality switch, going from an external 3dimensional world into it all being imaginary. Seeing my children exist for real and then not exist. What a fucking mindfuck.
I felt like I was stuck in a loop where I fell and hit the floor, but somehow I fell through the floor and then I hit the same floor again, having no means to save myself. The perfect picture is a man by himself at sea in a damaged ship in the middle of a ferocious storm, getting hit by wave after wave and as soon as he manages to stand up he gits struck down by the angry ocean once again. 
Before the trip I had put away my cell phone and set it to flight mode not to be disturbed, I was sure I wouldn't need it, I've never been close to attempting to use my phone while tripping, but somehow I had made my way down the stairs to get it and gone up again. I couldn't maneuvre it though, and thank god I couldn't, because maybe I would have accidently called somebody else, and if I had succeded in calling my wife she I would've scared the shit out of her for no reason and she probably wouldn't ever have let me trip again. I remember looking at my phone and trying to unlock it and then I would be gone. Then when I was back I tried to get a hold of myself, I tried to see the phone but it got lost between the sheets, I would cling to my necklace like I was hanging from a cliff. For some reason I think all of this is hilarious now that I think back on it. I was such an idiot, I let my ego toss and turn all it wanted and boy what a mess it created. 
I think this went on for a long while. But one way or the other, I became conscious that something had changed. It was existence. Existence had changed. 
It became obvious to me that a cosmic shift had taken place. I thought to myself something along the lines of: "all these new age crack pots talking about a new era beginning were fucking right, I can't believe it"
This is what I became conscious of:
Existence had become stripped of everything I used to know. My life didn't exist anymore, no other beings existed anymore. All that existed was this room and this furniture and me. And we were not separate. Everything had boiled down to a perfect essence, a singularity, a single dot. Completely self-aware, completely perfect. I realized that this was an evolution from the way things were before and that this was a logical step forward. I also realized that this was irreversible and unchangeable, that it was now going to be this way forever, because time had been stripped from existence as well. I couldn't fucking believe that it had happened but again, I had to face what I was experiencing. Even if it was crazier than anything I could've ever imagined, reality was now perfect and empty of any sense of other, there was nothing unknown, no change to come. It was freaky as fuck. I listened to the sounds I made, they sounded almost like a monk chanting, with overtones and all. The chanting sounded like I had added filter effects, like on a syntheziser. But it wasn't a peaceful Om-sound, it wasn't a blissful hymn of divine union, it wasn't an understanding sound. I was literally saying: 
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat"
I was soooo fucking surprised that I was God and I was complete and nothing else existed.
"HOW CAN THIS BE, HOW CAN THIS BE!? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT"
Sometimes I almost forgot about this new state of existence and then I would think of my mother or somebody else I knew and I had to accept that they didn't exist anymore and nothing else but me would ever exist again. 
It was all me and the furniture in this room now (and we were not separate btw), and it was really hard to accept but I figured that I had to flow with the times, if this is a new cosmic paradigm that is obviously perfect then so be it. 
It's funny how I totally didn't draw a parallell between this and me taking shrooms. I was totally convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was a new definite reality. I thought that enlightenment meant that my perspective would change, that I would see things differently, but this wasn't anything like that. All of creation had evolved and me with it, my perspective had nothing to do with it, I just had to comply and couldn't look at things any other way.
It wasn't like I had a list of all facts of existence, but as soon as I thought of anything, I could always see that the led right back to me. I was the end all be all.
First I had to go through accepting that my children had lost their dad to his insanity. Now I had to accept that my children and my family didn't exist anymore, and neither did I. Everything that had been part of my life had been stripped away. Stripped away as unnecessary. All that was left was a perfect self aware singularity, a supreme identity.
There was nothing to do, nobody to judge, nobody to seek approval from, nothing to prove, nothing to protect, nothing to communicate, nothing to strive for, nothing to wonder, nothing to think about. 
I became more and more immersed in this and relaxed into it and accepted it.
Then, somehow, I was back. Back to being just me in the bed, in the bedroom, feeling surprisingly sober and normal. What a relief. What an incredible gift to be robbed of your entire life, fully accepting it, and then GETTING IT BACK?! Free to pursue whatever I like without attachment, free from being crippled by poor self esteem, free from seeking pleasure from anywhere without!!
It was 4pm, four hours had passed. I was surprised that it hadn't gone longer.
I went down and rang the tingsha bells once more, the ceremony was over.
I tried to to eat but I had poor control over my body so I had to wait, I tried to use my computer but same thing there. I kind of felt like I understood everyhting and I wanted to get online and share it somehow, but I could hardly log on to my computer account, so I went back to bed.
I called a friend and I don't remember the conversation other than that I laughed an insane mushroom laugh. We said to talk more later. I called my wife and kids and we were happy to see each other. She said I looked happy and okay, we spoke shortly and said good bye.
I thought about all I had gone through for a long time, lying in bed.
After a while I started to pick myself together and clean the room. I noticed I was bare naked except my shirt, I don't remember how that happened but I found it really amusing. I picked up the puking bucket I had put next to the bed. I hadn't used it but it almost looked like a car had driven over it. I laughed and hugged it and said thank you for hanging in there with me. I must've fallen on it during the storm.
I went down and made some green tea and warmed the bean stew I had prepared before. I felt like a million bucks. I was so proud of myself and felt like I could overcome anything, I probably didn't look like it but I felt like I was ready to tackle any challenge.
I felt immense gratitude for being back in my normal puny self. Usually I long for God and have a lot of problems with accepting reality but now I felt like every square inch of my house and every cell in my physical body were my best friend.
I spilled all my beans in my knee and almost got annoyed but I understood the message and said aloud:
"Sorry, I made a mistake. Please let me have more beans. We are here to pickup after ourselves, to cleanup the mess we've made." This felt extremely true and real and I knew that the best way was to do it was as efficiently as possible, driven by gratitude and appreciation, so that we could then help others clean up after themselves. I felt like I now understand kharma better than ever before. This is our cosmic duty as humans, to repent for our sins as and help others along the way. 
I sang a lot because I'm a singer and I felt like a could've sung a duet with Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, my voice was golden, with no limits or boundaries, as high and powerful and flexible as I wanted it to be. It felt like I could fly like an eagle. 
I felt like an american preacher and I kept wanting to say "Amen Hallelujah"
Filled with strength and compassion and benevolence, I was ready to fully accept my humanity in order to be of the greatest use to mankind. I said to myself:
"There is still a good fight in these ragged old bones, yessir, amen hallelujah"
I went to the sauna in our Spa and hung out there for the remainder of the evening. All I could do was to think back to all the things I had experienced. I kept thinking about the insanity episode and laughed hysterically every time. When I was done it was 8pm and I texted my wife and thanked her so much for letting me do this and then I went to bed early.
I couldn't sleep however, my head hurt and I was exhausted but I just couldn't fall asleep. All I did was stare at the ceiling and let my thoughts float around. Most they kept revolving around my experience and on what being God feels like. The clock was past 11pm when I finally fell asleep.
The first thing I did in the morning was to clean the house. This is very unlike me, but something about my entire attitude towards life had changed. I felt like I wanted to be formal about it. Formal about picking up after myself, regarding all of life like office work, cleaning my kharma and helping my fellow men like an honorable duty that required a suit or something. 
That was an important helpful insight, because me and my wife have had a lot of arguments around my attitude when it comes to cleaning and keeping things in order.
Other huge insights were that I am total. I have been really needy lately, craved sex and snacks, I've been wanting others to fulfill me, but now I know what God's nature is, and I know that that is my true nature. I am total and there is nothing to seek outside of myself. 
I also realize how much of what I do is about getting approval from people I look up to, constantly trying to prove myself. This is because of my bad self esteem and really disempowers me and makes me much less efficient. I pray that the positive effects in this domain are long lasting, this is a big one for me.
On that note, that I am total also means that my children don't have to prove themselves to me, and they don't have to succeed in any domains where I have shortcomings that I want to make up for. I will have a better and less attached relationship with them now, where love can flow easier .
The second night after the trip, which is last night as I'm writing this, I woke up in the middle of the night and remembered the feeling of being God. It was totally frightening. With the memory was the sound of my own voice going: "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" 
I'll write more if I get more reactivations or insights.

Babaji blesses the courageous. Amen Hallelujah.

Edited November 25, 2019 by Kazman

[allislove]

?❤️

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

F***ING AMAZING, man. -- Thank god I don't have any shrooms stashed in my flat; after reading this, I worked up enough appetite to swallow a whole bucket of them.

Truth be told, I've been having mixed feelings about mushrooms since I first tried them. A low dose gives me a kind of innocent and blissful high, but nothing too insightful, while a medium dose puts me in a pretty confusing fever dreamlike state where afterwards I'm like "Eeeeh, what the hell just happened?!". The highest dose I've tried so far were 5g, and that one - to my utter amazement - turned out to be a surprisingly sober experience; in fact, I felt frighteningly sober during that trip, up to the point where I thought 'hoooooooly shit, I am not ready to feel this goddamn sober... ugh!!!"

I cannot even imagine what ten grams would do to my brain; but I would lie if I said that I'm not curious to find out!

[Nahm]

Fantastic. Happy for ya. ??♥️

[fridjonk]

Amazing report ! 

[pluto]

Wonderful share, i just got back from a thousand year hike

[SoothedByRain]

@Bazooka Jesus What a beautiful name  what a glorious picture!

[Alex bAlex]

@Kazman thank you for sharing this with us. I find it very helpful, getting ready for the ego death (although is subjective)

?

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

@SoothedByRain  Heh, thanks! Yeah, I thought that the rainbow puking clown is pretty much the perfect allegory for spiritual purification... and it's probably an exact depiction of what a 10g shroom trip feels like, lol.

Edited November 26, 2019 by Bazooka Jesus

[electroBeam]

@Kazman How did you feel about increased heart beat if you ever had it? Did it scare you? How did you overcome the fear?

[Kazman]

@electroBeam I don't recall increased heart beat, I wasn't noticing such fine distictions during the worst part in my case. I'm sure my ego could've focused on that if it wanted to. I have actually had uncomfortable sensations in my chest lately, but it started before the trip. I was hoping that I'd release with psilocybin but I think I need to visit a doctor and check myself   I don't think I really overcame the fear, I was freaking out until I forgot all about it due to the fact that all of creation made a quantum leap transformation.

Thank you all for reading and commenting, I find it extremely meaningful to be able to not only partake in this work but to also share my experiences  to help other actualizers.

I wanted to write a small update, 4 days later: 

The first night, just after the trip I slept like a log with no dreams as far as I can remember. The second night I woke up in the middle of the night with a vivid memory of being God, like I had gone back there while I was sleeping. It was frightening. In my head I could hear the sound of my own voice going WHAAAAAT. The exact same happened on the third night.

In the evening before the fourth night I had quite a bit of anxiety, before I fell asleep I was in bed and meditated for 40 mins+. Focusing on my breathing and allowing energy to be transported to the top of my head. I was also using an Orgonite Pyramid and a Don Croft Terminator Zapper at the time. This night I had 2-3 experiences of being back again, the last one being the most vivid one so far. It was a bit more than a memory, I could stay with the experience for a while and it didn't fade immediately as I noticed it. Also, the night lamps that were on had a glowing reddish hue, almost as if there had been a psilocybin reactivation.

This is the morning after that, I still have a lot of anxiety. I definitely feel torn between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand I face my habitual disinterest/disappointment with physical reality and on the other hand I am now terrified of the stripped and perfect higher realms. It could also be that I'm organically letting go off negative tensions that I've held onto for a long while, resulting in the anxiety. Stuff like that is expected when going through powerful experiences like this. I'll get by the best I can and meditate when I need to, I feel it helps and is perhaps extra crucial at times like this.

Edited November 27, 2019 by Kazman

[Leo Gura]

On 11/25/2019 at 7:15 AM, Kazman said:

I said to myself, again and again: "I've gone insane. I've gone insane. I can't believe it. Fuck."

Hahaha!

Yeah... been there. Been there...

Nice trip. That's God for ya. The mindfuck to end all mindfucks.

Welcome to the True Religion

[Hsinav]

@Kazman happy for you <3

[Guest Bazooka Jesus]

Thanks again for this wonderful trip report; reading it definitely inspired me to embark on my own high dose mushroom journey, and what a wonderful journey it was! I wish you all the best my man -- I know you are going to get it in the end, as will everyone of us.

[OBEler]

@Kazman Hm your trip sounds like total madness from beginning to end. I am scared for seeing god/reality! How can you see gratitute in this? if everything is me, that is the worst thing I as an human being with an ego can possible imagine. So lonely!

I think I need to experience for myself one day. I hope it is worth

[The1One]

Congrats. 

Beware the ego backlash. Focus on self-love

[ElvisN]

On 11/25/2019 at 6:15 PM, Kazman said:

Other huge insights were that I am total. I have been really needy lately, craved sex and snacks, I've been wanting others to fulfill me, but now I know what God's nature is, and I know that that is my true nature. I am total and there is nothing to seek outside of myself. 
I also realize how much of what I do is about getting approval from people I look up to, constantly trying to prove myself. This is because of my bad self esteem and really disempowers me and makes me much less efficient. I pray that the positive effects in this domain are long lasting, this is a big one for me.

@Kazman Now that 2 months have passed.. did that effect of feeling total and not seeking approval from anyone persist till today?

 

And was it worth it?

[Kazman]

On 20/01/2020 at 5:41 PM, Bazooka Jesus said:

Thanks again for this wonderful trip report; reading it definitely inspired me to embark on my own high dose mushroom journey, and what a wonderful journey it was! I wish you all the best my man -- I know you are going to get it in the end, as will everyone of us.

Happy for you!

On 20/01/2020 at 8:41 PM, OBEler said:

@Kazman Hm your trip sounds like total madness from beginning to end. I am scared for seeing god/reality! How can you see gratitute in this? if everything is me, that is the worst thing I as an human being with an ego can possible imagine. So lonely!

I think I need to experience for myself one day. I hope it is worth

It is beyond frightening. But! Only from an illusory perspective. It is real, it is truth, it is accessible, and I feel grateful for having been initiated in the biggest mystery, I feel grateful that I was allowed to pass through the gate that so few are able to enter. I'm far from done in my journey, but I already know more than I ever thought was possible. A lot to feel grateful about indeed.

On 21/01/2020 at 9:12 PM, The1One said:

Congrats. 

Beware the ego backlash. Focus on self-love

Self-love! Yes! There always seems to be room for more, doesn't it?

On 27/01/2020 at 10:13 AM, ElvisN said:

@Kazman Now that 2 months have passed.. did that effect of feeling total and not seeking approval from anyone persist till today?

 

And was it worth it?

The last week I've been reminded of my experience many times. An image that comes to mind is all of reality as I know it crashing like a computer where the entire operating system freezes. Only that you can't reset the machine and keep going in linear time like you normally would, you realise that everything is Eternal, everything is a strangeloop, nothing to contain anything but itself, nothing can support anything but itself. The frozen operating system is more true than the illusion of you playing along on your computer. It is horrible, but also more epic and empowering than anything imaginable. 

I'm still integrating, for sure. Actually, I had this trip during a difficult time in my life, where I was very needy and unsatisfied. That went on until now basically, and I think the improvement of my difficulties has more to do with the external factors in my life than with the effects of the trip. That has been frustrating of course. I've sort of felt "Why have I been so enthusiastic about psychedelics? Indeed, I had the most amazing experience in my life, but now I'm just as depressed as ever. Does NOTHING truly help?"

However, one way I coped with this difficult time in my life was to do a self-love meditation that came to me intuitively. Basically, I calm myself and relax, and then work with body awareness and visualize light (I've tried different colors and then settled on shiva-blue) all over my body, the light of divine self love. I've been able to tap into a muuuuch smaller version of the self-love I had during the trip, but still way more powerful than what I normally sense. I coat my subtle body with this love for as long as I like.

OF COURSE it was worth it, no question about it. I don't think I sacrificed anything, it was all just an incredible gift.

On 20/01/2020 at 8:44 AM, Leo Gura said:

Hahaha!

Yeah... been there. Been there...

Nice trip. That's God for ya. The mindfuck to end all mindfucks.

Welcome to the True Religion

Happy that you read my report and that you can relate. I feel I am on the right track. Much appreciation for this forum where one can get support in processes like these, very rare and invaluable. Love

[AcaciaConfusa]

Hey man,

thanks for sharing.

what kinda mushroom strain did you use? 

 

[abrakamowse]

Thanks for sharing @Kazman Blessings!!!