Brain visions

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I can only imagine how it must feel. 

I personally do not want to go through it because it can be very frightening. 

 

I guess the best approach is to just let the resistance be there. Don't let yourself respond to the resistance. 

The more you resist the more fear.. 

 

Just do not answer those thoughts. Understand that it's the ego fighting to seek answers and find a structure. Don't let it. 

Let it just be there. Don't take a responsibility towards it. 

Detach. Detach. Detach.  Detach from those thoughts like it's a distraction that can take care of itself. 

 

Just tell yourself that you are safe and these thoughts don't matter no matter how important they seem 

 

Tell yourself that you are a light that sees everything. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

19 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

 

Enrich 

 

Nurture 

 

Vital 

 

Well being

 

 

 

 

 

 

14 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

 

Enrich 

 

Nurture 

 

Vital 

 

Well being

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I'll pick some essential words out of these 

Well being 

Equilibrium 

Enrichment 

Thrive 

Nurture 

Self 

Vital

Wholeness 

Wellness

Healthfulness 

Robustness 

Safety 

Value 

Treasure 

Betterment 

Growth 

 

 

 

 

7 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Self

Unconditional love 

Nurture.... Support..... Self Care 

Well being 

Enrichment 

Vital

Healing and coping 

Thriving 

Centering /Grounding 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 hours ago, Preety_India said:

4 communities

 

Psychological community

Spiritual community 

Wellness community 

Empowerment community 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 feel like a broken record because I always talk about it now on the forum, (It’s helped me so much so I try to spread the word lol) but the book The Mind Illuminated by John Yates. A samtha state of consciousness is extremely tranquil, equanimous, and joyful which Id consider to be a very emotionally grounded state. In the book, this dude outlines a meditation practiced designed around achieving samatha. Maybe it wouldnt be up your alley but ime it’s been the most effective way Ive ever meditated. Ive gotten more results with transforming my baseline state of consciousness following that book’s meditation style than any other spiritual practice. Only other technique that rivals it would be psychedelics but since emotional groundedness is what you’re after, not really sure psychedelics would be a good idea. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Mind racing can do a lot of dopamine activation and damage 

 

Fucks up circadian rhythm 

Self love self care self focus

 

Edited December 16, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The final decision came on December 12

 

Lack of empathy was the reason 

 

 

[Preety_India]

The first setting of 7 day started on 9th December.. 

 

So far not good. 

Missed.. 

 

Did good for 10 and 11th December. 

Then 12 December broke. 

Slept on December 12 and then had nightmares on the morning of December 12.

December 12 was Thursday 

So the video event was on Thursday afternoon probably after the breakdown 

 

Played the event till night 1.30  am. 

Then dozed off for some time 

 

Finally won the event 1 hour later. 

 

Rotary club event 

 

Either on December 12 or December 13.. 

That is Friday 

It will not be a Friday 

Because friday I was having a very rough time at night. 

I had that phonecall and it was very distressing 

So the phone call came around at 10.15 and lasted till. 10.30..

And I was having  a bad time. 

Right after that I was suicidal.. 

Because I was not able to handle what was being said. 

I immediately went into a panic. 

I was in full fear mode. 

 

 

Edited December 16, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

The sequence of events in the past 4 days needs to be different 

So all was good on the 9th of December. 9th was a Tuesday 

Still on the 10th it was okayish. I was feeling active and calm and less depressed. 

That is entire day on 10th was an okay day and also the next day 11th. 

On the 11th it was a Wednesday.. 

11th was okay

 I was feeling great on Wednesday. 

Wednesday evening event starts. 

So. I don't do anything on Wednesday evening. And Cindy reminds me of the update.. 

So I do the update. 

The next day is Thursday. December 12. This is the day when I focus on the event. 

I start the event around mid noon. Maybe around 3.30 or 4pm or later.. 

The event continues till evening and I work really hard. 

It goes up to night 9.30. Pm and I'm tired. 

Then I get a text from a friend. 

I respond to the text. 

The texting continues till the next hour and I am still doing the event 

The event continues up until the night. 

Night 1.30 am is where I wrap up things and I decide to give extra time in the night for the event. 

Realizing that it's a Thursday and a closing for the weekend.. 

So I know that I have a Friday with me. And I can get it done on Saturday and Sunday. 

But I continue talking in the wee hours of morning.. 

I got a missed call on December 12. 1.30 am in the night. 

 

I continued texting till 2.34 am. 

I think it's the same night I won the event. 

Nope 

I just checked 

I didn't attend the event on December 12 or Thursday night. 

I was just randomly texting her on December 12 night that is Wednesday night. 

I slept late this night. 

Woke up at 4.30 am 

 

I was suicidal at 4.40 am on December 12. That's actually Thursday morning. 

That's when I had the suicidal instinct. 

I texted her. The conversation ends at 6.11 am

 

I'm still experiencing distress at 8.40 am and 9.30am. 

 

So this is Thursday.. 

At 7.40 pm same day I get another text from her. 

At 8.30 pm we discuss standard market rates. So I try to diffuse the situation and we kinda sort it out. 

 

We discuss the birth certificate and ID situation between 9.30pm and 10 pm 

 

Then she goes grocery shopping and gets vanilla bean ice cream sandwich. 

I show her a box of Lotte Choco Pie. 

 

She tells me that the pharmacy is still on. 

She sends me a picture of the pharmacy front door. Shutters 

 

I tell her to call me again because the call is left unanswered. 

This is at 10.50 pm and she complains that her phone is having a problem so she can't return a call 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 16, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

She calls back at 11.30 pm. 

I'm doing the event at that time 

 

I send her event details. 

At 1am I'm done with the event.. 

 

At 1.44am I fall asleep. 

I wake up at 7 am. 

That's when I protest. 

So this is Friday morning. 

I text her again about standard market rate and I throw a tantrum about I woke up because of the noise in the background. 

I get pissy while talking to her. 

I tell her that I don't care and I hang up. She does the same 

The day is not good for me. It's a slow day. 

I'm just depressed for the rest of the day after the early morning tantrum 

I get my office work done in the meantime and  walk to the second floor and submit it to the supervisor. 

 

 

I get the phone call at 10.10 pm. I get anxious and upset over the phone. With the bad news. 

 

It's 10.42  pm 

She sends me a text 

I tell her about the bad news. This is when I tell her that I'm suicidal again. 

She tells me 

"that seems hard to deal with" 

I tell her that the caller had tried to beat me a few years ago.. 

I discuss with her the problems I'm currently facing 

 

Her getting in that Job and getting made to leave bc of her  health problems, fked her over big time

I tell her that I hate everything 

 

This is at 11.30 pm 

Then we had a conversation on astrology at 12.40 pm 

 

I was feeling a bit uncomfortable and distressed so I carried on the discussion till 4am 

 

I realize that Friday was December 13th. Meaning Friday the 13th. And the day couldn't have been more awful starting from morning to night. 

 

So the conversation stops around 5.30 in the morning and there is no response. 

 

I try texting her again but no response. Maybe she was having a nap. This is Saturday afternoon. 

 

The conversation resumes at 11.30 pm on Saturday night. I let it go on just to feel better. 

 

Because I had been feeling upset since Friday night. 

 

I started talking about Lannie 

 

And the whole group. This is at 11.40 pm

I tell her how Paul was treating me like a pet lol

 

The discussion continued till 1.40 am

Then we again discuss about the standard market rate. 

She said she can't afford till January 

Conversation goes on till morning at 8 am

I send her another text at 12.43 pm same day which is Sunday. December 15. 

She responded saying she had been experiencing pain in her knee 

 

She told me that she decided to stay another night at the hotel 

This was at 9pm

 

She talks about expensive vanilla bean ice cream and mini chocolate mousse 

 

I told her I was digging inside a coconut 

 

It was 11.15 pm and she said a little prayer for her knee 

 

Conversation continues till 1.30 am in the night. It's Sunday past night. So technically Monday morning. 

 

It's 3 am

At 4am I tell her to order a pizza 

 

It's 4.53 am.. 

I inform her about the Hindu Muslim riots being in the news. 

The news breaks out a few hours prior to our conversation and I wasn't aware. 

I'm informed by another friend that riots have begun in certain parts of India. So I switch on the TV at 5 am. The least expected time. 

I am aghast at the news

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 16, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

It's 8.30 this morning that is Monday and I read stuff on cnnn

But it's fake news. 

So I look for local news. 

 

[Preety_India]

I go to work as usual and everyone at work is discussing that 

 

I just let it go. 

I grab my coffee and get back to work. 

Submitted my file to the supervisor on the second floor so my boss can review it later. 

I take a lunch break. Totally drained and tired from the past week's events. 

Desperately need some tired memes to get through this time 

 

 

Here I go 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 16, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm learning to outgrow myself faster than I can keep up with 

. 

I'm biting off more than i can chew 

 

 

Edited December 17, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

This is so true 

 

 

 

[Bill W]

20 hours ago, Preety_India said:

This is so funny 

 

 

"The maximum amount of minimalism is what you should aim for" ???

[Preety_India]

@Bill W

[Preety_India]

Tomorrow is my father's death anniversary. 

I just don't know how to feel.. 

He died prematurely and it does hurt a lot. 

He was the best dad. 

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Preety_India Whatever comes up is okay. There is no right way or wrong way to feel. Whatever arises it will be ok. 

[Preety_India]

@Raptorsin7

Thanks 

[Preety_India]

I just need some peace and quiet 

And I'm glad I was able to have that today

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel so much better now. 

Was able to get through this 

 

[Preety_India]

There are so many ways of getting manipulated in this world especially in relationships 

 

Evils 

Dehumanization 

Demonization. 

Gas lighting 

Slander 

Bastardization

Ostracization 

Domination and control

Character assassination

Discrimination 

Guilting 

Victim playing 

Shaming 

Invalidation

Infantilization 

Trivialization 

 

 

Edited December 20, 2019 by Preety_India