Brain visions

[Preety_India]

I have a deep dark suicidal personality. It's a side of me I have battled with for some time 

 

 

[Bill W]

?‍♂️?

[Raptorsin7]

@Preety_India Meditation and Enlightenment work are designed to deal with the type of suffering you are describing. 

Also, there is a silver lining to your suffering and pain. People who live normal, happy lives never have a reason to question there own happiness. If you have a happy enough life for long enough then you will never look deeper into reality and discover what is actually going on in reality. To find the highest levels of happiness you have to suffer first, because otherwise why would you ever seek it out. This is all a blessing. It's fucked I know, but it's true.

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to laugh as much as possible to get over the depressing feelings.

 

My mind races sometimes. It's so hard. To keep it all straight. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to think what I can do next. 

The phonecall was from her. It got me nervous and frightened. 

It's difficult to deal with the building stress. 

I need to think organically and otherwise. 

Part of me wants to live in a dream world. Part of me understands reality. 

One thing that my boyfriend told me is this 

"We can't change people" 

"even our family" 

I felt like I could take things less seriously. 

Is my casual trust a problem. 

I have begun to realize that I need to see people as objects and not people anymore. 

 

There's no point in getting hurt and offended or depressed. 

It's like pack up and move on 

 

We not only need spirituality to deal with the bullshit of life but we also need psychological tools and resources. 

 

 

My boyfriend Andrew is helping me so much. 

Although he is sometimes silly, he says certain things that make profound sense to me. 

He understands what's going on with me. 

I like that. 

I have supported him during times when he was upset. We have both been for each other. I have cried on his shoulder sometimes. 

Why do I feel so uncertain. What's haunting me? 

I need to do a lot of shadow work to figure out what's eating me inside. 

After an argument with her, I felt upset and suicidal. 

I called Andrew and he said everything will be alright. 

I still wasn't feeling settled. 

But certain things he said are making sense. 

That I shouldn't care. I should focus on building my life instead of getting emotional.

I feel so bad that I can't even feel emotional in this world anymore. There's no source of love. 

I know Andrew cares. He cares a lot. But it's not enough. Because after all he is an outsider. He is not family. There is a difference in the way he cares and in the way a close family member cares 

With him, it's always what if we break up. What if what if. 

 

But family is always by your side no matter what. 

It's not like I don't trust Andrew. But I have known that relationships can be fickle from my past experiences

 

I don't want to invest too much trust. 

 

 

Life is so hard. 

Everything is like borrowed time. 

If you fuck up, you fuck up forever. There is no room for error. 

Everything is held against you. 

 

I'm sick and tired of a judgemental world that lacks in care and affection. If you call in sick for a day, they tell you that you will be fired. Sometimes we wonder why are we so hard on each other. 

Why can't there be more empathy and understanding. 

Why can't we have God. 

Through whatever I'm experiencing in life, I'm turning more and more towards MGTOW, the general MGTOW more like man(human) going their own way not giving fucks about the world anymore. 

Just like men say that they don't trust women and that women don't care about them, I feel like saying the same about entire humanity. It's like nobody gives a fuck about others anymore. 

I have helped many people financially in my life. I always valued their wellbeing over everything else. But when it was my turn to seek help, they all turned their backs on me. 

It's brutal. How can people be so cruel. These are the same people I helped once without any care or concern without judgement or guilt. How can they not do the same. 

It's terrible. I don't want to love anyone. Because it feels like there is a dark underbelly to everything and a narrow safety margin 

 

And it feels like if you cross this margin, you could easily lapse into that dark side of things where things can quickly take a downturn and you end up suiciding 

 

I have toyed with the idea of suicide not once but maybe 15 different times by now. 

as time goes by I always open up more and more. 

It's difficult in the beginning to exactly identify what my emotion is. On the outside I'm just pretending to laugh because there is no option but to smile at people, but on the inside I have so many burning questions for which there are no answers. 

I'm baffled by how narrow people are around me. How can they not feel empathy for others the way I feel. 

I remember talking to my ex and he was brutal and judgmental. 

He would make me feel worse. It was so cruel. This is the same guy I helped on numerous occasions. But his responses to me would always be cold and heartless. Then he would turn around and say some joke like he is mocking me.. 

People close to me have hurt me so much in the past few months. 

It really got to a point where I felt like suicide was the only option because I didn't want to feel abandoned and alone. 

It's hard for me to reconcile the fact that people can't care or love each other. 

That makes me feel like wanting family is wrong. I feel like I don't want to be a mom. I feel like I don't want marriage. I don't want to be a mom. I don't want kids. Because I don't know how to trust. I have seen so much dysfunction growing up and so much betrayal and selfishness that I don't want to trust anymore. 

I remember when I was 15 I was living with a woman for 6 months. Her husband had passed away. Her one son had died in an accident. Her other son had moved out with his wife and kids into a wonderful apartment. And he had all the money in the world and yet he wouldn't pay her a dime. 

She was living on a small monthly pension but it wasn't enough for her needs. So she just ate once a day. I felt sorry for her. I helped her as much as I could. She loved my hospitality. But there was only so much I could do. It struck me hard. The realities of life. Her own son didn't give 2 shits about her and she was going blind and rotting away. I felt like family meant nothing. 

She told me how she had worked so hard to raise 2 kids when her husband had died young. I felt horrible. 

This is a woman who gave all her life to her children. Yet her own son didn't want to look after her or even visit her. 

Early on such examples throughout my childhood shaped my understanding of human relationships 

I tried to be positive but every time I showed trust I was betrayed. I was betrayed by many of my exes. 

I was betrayed by friends. I felt betrayed by my own mom. 

 

How do I reconcile this with my worldview. 

How can you have a rosy picture of the world after having witnessed all the harsh realities. 

I hate when people say they love their kids dearly. Because it feels like a farce. If you love your kids so much then why can't you extend the same love to others. 

By logic, if you are a loving person, you should show love to everyone. 

 

How can you only love something that belongs exclusively to you. 

Why can't you extend the same love to your parents and family which you have for your child. 

The woman was being neglected by her own son. But obviously the son took great care of his own kids. How strange is this all. 

What makes him love his kids but not his own mother. 

I have never been able to grasp that 

 

I kinda feel like there is a flawed perception of the world that we would like to believe. 

And we live in this perception. This naive trust that we have in humanity. This baseless trust 

It sucks because it's all a facade. 

I feel like MGTOW is the real way. 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Hmm

I really feel like MGTOW is the way.. At some point you'll need to stop caring about anything and everything. It is a nihilistic approach to everything. But it's a fact. 

Because having high hopes for humanity has only lead to failure. 

I don't know if this is the standard Indian approach. 

But many Indians become hippies and leave their families and friends and jobs and everything and go live in a cave for mental peace. 

There's a reason for this. They get frustrated looking at all the drama created by their families and the workplace politics. It hurts them.. Looking at all the problems and the lack of empathy and lack of humanity and the feeling of emptiness, it drives a lot of people to spirituality and self seeking. 

They want unconditional acceptance in life, they want  love, which they don't get. 

They feel suffocated, stifled and they feel like they are pretending to be happy but not actually happy. 

But when they are alone, they feel happier because there are no expectations anymore.. There is no reason for disappointment. 

This makes me understand why some people in my country choose to go live in a cave and give up their families. 

Because you reach a point where you feel like everything is meaningless and purposeless. 

 

I had some friends who were guys who had parents who were ruthless and demanding. Relationships that were fickle. Life was just a travesty. So they turned to spirituality in search of meaning. They left their jobs and survived on whatever they could. 

They basically said "Fuck You" to society and just went 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

When my boyfriend said to me, "we can't change people, even our family" those words fell on me like thunder. 

They had a huge impact. 

 

There was a sudden existential need for me stop bothering about what others think. 

Suddenly I had to be selfish and only think of myself which is difficult because I have never been selfish. I have never believed that people should act out of selfishness. 

Because I saw no meaning in it. I saw meaning in people helping each other. 

The problem with my thinking is that it creates utopia. A sense of utopia which is not true. 

It's too movie like. It's not like it can't be real. It can be realized. However it doesn't happen. That's where the problem lies. 

In reality the model doesn't work. 

Reality is far from it. 

In reality people want to do stuff that fulfills their purpose even if it means a detriment to others. 

This is where such a model fails. 

We are too pathologically imperfect to believe in an ecstatic vision. 

 

All we have to do is move on and find our own sense of peace and stop believing that people are going to change. 

It's best to not live in a false reality but accept the true reality and modify ourselves to it. 

The question is how to live without love. 

The answer is God. The age old solution 

Now this only applies to people who believe in God. Don't know what to say about people who don't believe in God. 

 

But God's love is infinite and unconditional. 

He doesn't judge like humans. He doesn't oppress. He is generous. He doesn't forsake or abandon

The generosity of a human is short lived. 

His grace and mercy are unlimited. He doesn't forsake and he is not fake 

 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

While I was depressed and having this conversation with my boyfriend about it all he said something that really resonated with me. 

 

He said "they are weak, not us" 

 

That was a profound statement he made. 

Yes the ones who can't love are the weak ones. 

The ones that are strong do not hurt or judge. They offer support instead of judgement..

I wish God could descend on earth and show to people what assholes they can be. How degenerate and unkind they can be. 

Then people would realize that true strength lies in love. 

But we choose to live in survival mode, in fear, instead of abundance mode, we choose to limit ourselves to ourselves and not extend our empathy to others. 

We believe we are being a smartass by caring only for ourselves. 

We choose to live like sociopaths and psychopaths 

We are quick to judge and attack to protect ourselves from perceived hurt or loss. We are slow to show affection out of fear of being taken advantage of, we raise barriers so no one can get in, we get hyper protective when such a thing is not required, we think that dominating and intimidating others will help our cause, that we need to attack to survive or we need to use others to survive like a psychopath does. Some people harm others to survive. Some people use others to survive. 

Psychopaths use others to their advantage. Sociopaths harm others to eliminate them or dominate them. 

Both are survival skills at the expense of others. 

 

God can move mountains. God's grace is high. God's mercy is infinite. 

God's strength is divine. God's love is unconditional 

 

When you choose to go the MGTOW way, you feel less disappointed by the betrayal of others. It doesn't hurt you anymore. 

Because you don't have expectations. 

 

Stop every emotional transaction with people. Because it hurts. 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India

[assx95]

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

When you choose to go the MGTOW way, you feel less disappointed by the betrayal of others. It doesn't hurt you anymore. 

Because you don't have expectations. 

 

Stop every emotional transaction with people. Because it hurts. 

On a minor scale i did basically just that, I uninstalled whatsapp and instagram. I want to clean myself of the toxic influences of others as well as give them the chance to feel what it is not to be manipulated by me. Cause I am almost certain I manipulate people, not intentionally though. 

[Preety_India]

When I'm thinking about going mgtow I told myself earlier that how I won't be impacted by the actions of others. This also meant that I should no longer see people as people but as objects the way you loook at trees. 

Because when we associate people with emotions, it creates a problem a barrier. It leads to disappointment. 

So it's best to not associate people with emotions.  But there is a human need to seek love. This need can only be fulfilled by imagination of God and how God cares for us. 

That way the craving for human connection is diminished. 

We can still have a generalized empathy for human beings the way we have for animals. 

We no longer seek love and trust in others and therefore their actions no longer disappoint us. 

Allowing yourself to be by hurt by all the human drama leads to more drama and problems. 

With the seeking of love comes the placement of trust which then creates the possibility of breach of trust and then immense pain and hurt and suffering. 

But if we stop seeking love then we accept that human nature is flawed and accept its flaws and therefore we no longer trust and thus stop the experience of pain. 

 

[Preety_India]

This kind of conditioning is difficult. 

 

Because we are conditioned since birth to be trustful of others unless they show red flags. 

Changing this conditioning means changing basic brain wiring. Which is very difficult. 

 

It is tough but not impossible. It means removing the conditioning and reconditioning the brain to think differently. 

I'm thinking to myself how will I feel if I see people as objects like trees. 

It's sorta liberating. 

It immediately removes the need for attachments and affection and expectations. 

They no longer have the obligation to serve you and you no longer have the obligation to serve them. 

You just look after your own survival and seek love from God. 

Because love is something you can't sacrifice. It's like food. The body gets hungry and craves for food and then you have to feed it. 

Similarly the heart has a need for love. 

This need is not fulfilled by those around us. Because when you realize that they don't love you and or care for you, you feel abandoned. 

Therefore this need is not met by human bondage. 

But thinking about God does help. 

Maybe humans are demons lol

 

Self love is also another key. 

 

Think wisely and think how you can survive better and help yourself. See how you can utilize the services of others for your needs and then let them go when they no longer serve your purpose. Return their favor. Or do not take it at all. 

This way you enter into a business like transaction with them. You don't feel ego when you approach them. You can communicate with them without feeling hurt or acting out of hurt and despair. 

You don't feel uncomfortable or hesitant in approaching them. You can still deal with them normally. 

Your ego doesn't get wounded. You don't feel humiliated or judged or punished. 

You feel liberated. 

You interact with them the way you interact your boss. You just say hi hello of course, I will do it sir etc. 

You no longer feel miserable when they neglect you. 

Do you feel neglected when your boss ignores you.  No because you don't have that attachment with your boss. You might even laugh at him behind his back. 

Buddha was right. Attachment leads to suffering 

 

Because you attach that's why you suffer. 

There won't be suffering if you lost attachment. 

Because you trust you feel hurt. 

If you didn't trust you wouldn't feel hurt. 

You don't feel hurt when the chair breaks. You don't feel hurt when the fruit basket falls on the floor or milk gets spilled. 

Because it means nothing important to you. It has no emotional significance 

Yet when someone close to you judges you or says something mean to you, it immediately hurts and causes despair because you hold them responsible for your emotions. In short you trust them. So when this trust is broken you feel hurt. 

 

No trust no hurt 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Today I want to feel totally free. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I was going to talk about how there are different levels or forms of self esteem like low and high and strong and fatal self esteem 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

The other keywords that I was going to focus on was 

Well being and Nurture and 

Shucks I forgot the other word. My memory is getting worse. 

This affects my development work big time. Lags in memory 

 

I get a creative idea in my head and 2 hours later I completely forget it. My memory sucks these days.. 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to recollect the keywords

 

• Well being 
• Growth 
• Progress 
• Health 
• Nurture 
• Healing 
• Survival and life 
• Flow and Organization 
• Enrichment and empowerment 
• Self love, self care 
• Ensuring future survival and comfort 
• Advantage 
•  

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I also wanted to start shadow work on a serious level. 

 

There are 3 things that I want to focus on right now 

• Spirituality 
• Shadow work 
• Psychological tools and resources 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Develop a kind of selfishness which is good for growth 

 

Do not trust too much 

 

 

Ask yourself the question 

Is this going to help my survival or impede my survival? 

Is this going to ensure my survival and wellbeing or going to be destructive to it. 

One thing I never had was a GUARD.... 

 

Building a wall helps. It helps in keeping destructive elements out. Do not deal with negative and destructive people. 

Throw them out 

 

Is this thing going to be helpful to me or is this going to hurt my survival and sustainance. Ask this question in every situation. 

Is this person, situation or event going to sabotage my survival. 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I always thought that bossiness was a bad quality. 

But now I can see how it helps in survival 

 

As a survival combat weapon. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

Well being 

 

 

Total self focus... Me me me me. 

Self love self care 

Bring your focus back to yourself 

< how can I benefit myself right now >

 

( Internal locus of control.. Will talk about this later) 

Be an opportunist 

 

Talk to them not emotionally but  tactfully so that it benefits your cause and purpose 

Look at everything from the survival context perspective 

 

The self card 

 

 

 

 

Point by point 

Just look after yourself 

Like you can calibrate your effort in points 

In self investment 

All of the kind stuff is just bhoolbhulaiya 

Well being 

Nurture 

Care 

Survival 

Self care 

Unconditional love (from God) 

Freedom 

 

Look at everything in terms of context and survival. 

 

Whatever helps you is survival. Rest everything is context. Everything beside survival is context. 

Ask the question 

Is he cooperative or not? 

Men acting like assholes. Nothing new 

 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Keywords

Nurture 

Well being 

Self love 

Self care 

Self growth. 

Freedom 

Healing 

Unconditional love 

Acceptance 

Guarding 

The art of well being 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Preety_India