Could someone help (long)

[Mindfang413]

My mind is so lost in understanding. Im not sure whats going on anymore. Life used to make sense to me as a kid. I took everything at face value and never questioned it because it didnt feel like it needed to be. I just wanted to be happy and make those around me happy. Before you read on, i just want to say, all of that leads up to an awakening experiance in me and is why ive typed my story because i honestly dont know what to make of this experiance or how to continue my existence anymore after this awakening. 

   Ok, in highschool, i started building up an identity (as ya do in highschool) but i started feeling things that seemed totally unnatural, foreign and scary after developing anxiety. I started getting health anxiety that began to cripple me. Not just that but i started feeling constantly anxious, unsettled and started feeling things in my consciousness that did not seem normal or fit in what we call reality. I couldnt even describe wtf i was feeling and felt seriously isolated. I kept fearing i was going crazy, reality was starting to make less and less sense till i sorta had a mild psychotic meltdown for about a month after starting antidepressants. After going to a mental hospital, and feeling that the anxiety medication helped me, i almost immediately picked up my actual "life" again and felt what most of the population calls normal again. But then i tried an edible (weed) and i literally had an out of body and reality seemed to melt away. It was incredible but not in any positive way. It was utter terror and confusion for hours. I couldnt even reconize my loved ones. When they talked, their voices sounded robotic, like, it literally sounded something like alexa was speaking to me through people. I wasnt taking something like some psychedelic so it was extra freaky because i didnt understand why this was happening. To this day, ive never taken a psychedelic. Anyway,  eventually though, i "got over that" and returned to normal life, just thinking all these things ive experianced are just because my minds sensitive and easily influenced by chemicals and its just mind stuff. Over time, i forgot and tried to enjoy life as well as i could despite constant health and sanity anxiety. Then after much emotional turmoil and emotional abuse from people i used to know as friends and an unfaithful boyfriend, it was only the first taste of what heartbreak id feel later on. Not even a year later (about a year and a half ago now), as i was in the middle of romantically pursuing my best friend who id later find out was asexual, suddenly my father passed away. In a very traumatic way too as he kinda suffered for about a month in a hospital as we powerlessly watched him wither away. Then two of our dogs passed away. Literally all within the same year. This had utterly destroyed me, of course. I not only experianced a very intense heartbreak of unrequited love, but also death for the first time. From that point on (its been a year since and im still on a journey consciously and/or spiritually depending how i look at it) ive had the most mindbending, life shattering, no, universe shattering revelations and experiances. It began 5 months after my dad died, i thought id go insane again like i did years ago when i went to the hospital, but instead it evolved into what is refered to as depersonalization and then derealization. I kept questioning reality. I didnt even want too, i just wanted some fuckin closure and understanding. But i kept constantly sensing everything around me as unreal. I couldnt trust what my "eyes" were perceiving. It didnt even feel like i had eyes or a body. Time seemed to distort at times. My memories and life did not seem like my own. It felt like i was looking inside someone elses life but it also seemed that life itself was not real. It felt like i was trapped in eternity or something. But i was somehow still connected to life and my family and friends to realize i needed help. I sought out a dissociation forum and different therapists untill i felt that feeling dissolve. For a while life was almost normal but the existential rumination persisted. I constantly, every single day and practically every minute wondered about the validity of existence and life. But i think its safe to say all of this stuff like life IS "real", at least as real as yo can define real to be.

OK, now heres the true KICKER that led to my awakening. I was severely nihilistic, even physically sick every five minutes because every action i did seemed completely pointless and absurd. I couldnt fathom (still dont) why i continue to "live". Then, my friend started smoking weed and wanted someone to smoke with her. I agreed thinking it would be different than the edible experiance i had and that if anything, id already been through it all that life could throw. So i started smoking with her occasionally when we'd meet up. First couple times was fine and fun and giggly. Then suddenly and without warning, after two big hits, something happened. What Leo describes in his videos is exactly what happened. My entire life appeared to be some dream id dreamt up. Everything that id always been told and conditioned and believed to be real and nothing at all. Reality seemed to eminate from absolutely nothing and for some reason i was aware of it. I was the center of it and i am not anything in particular. My ego, entire life almost completely vanished if it happened been for the tiny bit of doubt in me. I just couldnt believe this. I couldnt even cry, i was so blown away. Eventually though, i just went the whole "high" talking myself back down to reality. But ever since, i cannot understand a fucking thing about existence. Like yes, it seems consciousness might be all that exists but what the hell is consciousness??? What am i? Us? Life??? Existence does not even seem to be real, it seems to be nothing. This makes it very hard to live or "live". Even if this werent the case, life still seems pointless, i dont even know what im doing here. Happiness doesnt even valid either. I cant even life for happiness sometimes so what do i do? I see enlighened people becoming gurus ans enjoyin this beauty but i cant even see a point to that. I was suicidal for a while but i started feeling things have purpose, but i just dont understand it yet?! Which helps with making happiness seem valid. I only pulled myself out of suicidal ideation because my family and best friends would be destroyed if they lost me. Im only 22 by the way.

Sorry, i know that was very long.  Thank you to anyone who made it to the end. If you have an insight or advice, it'd be very appreciated!

Edited November 23, 2019 by Mindfang413
Forgot to finish title.

[erik8lrl]

Drop the ego that's trying to understand everything, and surrender to beingness/love. You can't understand the truth because you are it. The answer to every question is you, is love. Just live, just love, just be. 

[Nahm]

@Mindfang413 How long, how many days in a row, have you been meditating every morning? 

The anxiety is not a facet of you, the anxiety is the ruminating. If you’re looking for things to make sense, realize makes sense is makes sensation, feeling. Feeling is only here now. If your mind is lost in past & future thought stories, and you’re trying to align thought & feeling, so insight & intuition naturally arise, you should know that feeling can not and will never, move. Feeling will never leave now, and join you in a thought story. This is of course because you are here now, you are not the “you” “in” a thought story. 

It seems like there are these big problems with life, what is normal, existential stuff, etc, etc. 

There isn’t. All of this, is overthinking. Which is why people have been meditating for thousands of years, and is why the people you acknowledged as doing what they most feel they want to, are. They have not ‘figured something out’ per se, but have surrender self referential thinking, and are essentially being led, nonstop, in this now moment, never “leaving”. 

The unconditional source within you: “Meh, let that thought, that condition, go. We can’t go there with you, so it will not feel good.”

Ego: “I’ll call you, anxiety, and proceed exactly as I have been”.

Source: ??‍♀️

Another approach: “Wow - that’s anxiety?! That does NOT feel right at all. Let’s stop, relax, breathe, empty the mind - and really dig into this message from my higher guidance.”

[WelcometoReality]

@Mindfang413 Life is a wonder that is not meant to be understood. Let it be a wonder and drop all questions about it. It is truly beautiful that way.