I don't know what I'm supposed to do

[Ryan_047]

So, this year I've entered my 1st year of college in computer science. Long story short, my depression which I have been ignoring for the past 4-5 years it's starting to take a toll on me and I'm considering dropping out. I'm paying no tuition since I had good results in exams and I don't find the subjects I'm studying particularly hard. The thing is, I'm so fucked up mentally that I'm thinking about suicide every day and I just can't get myself to study anything. I'm constantly distracting myself from my emotional problems to avoid facing them and I procrastinate on studying. I've got quite a few bad marks so far, and at this rate, I'll just fail all of my exams.

That's what I did in high school as well, but with minimal effort I managed to finish it without many problems. Depression, stress and anxiety were eating me alive at the time but I digress. I can't afford therapy, and I even if I would, the mental health system in my country is so bad that I'll just get fed medication every day in a hospital only to numb down my emotions. 

I did try to meditate, but I couldn't maintain the habit going for long. Same for journaling and shadow work. Noticed positive results, but I'm just dropping and picking them up again.

At this point, I just want to drop out of college and then isolate myself in a cabin somewhere in a forest where I'll just spend time thinking whatever I should continue to live or not.I no longer want to struggle to create a beautiful life for myself and improve myself. I've realized that happiness is nothing more but an ideal which I can't attain and it's futile to pursue it.

My problem is that if I'll drop out of college, I'll just cause my parents to suffer greatly, especially if I'm going to open up about my emotional problems. They'll worry, get scared, become aggressive etc. I'm too tired and fearful to face such a situation. I'm also financially dependent on my parents, which is pathetic, I know, so I can't just move out and try to sort things out. To recap, I want to drop out, but that would just fuck up my parents mentally even more than they already are, and I just want to be guilty of that. 

I haven't felt freedom or happiness in years, and quite frankly I'm just tired of living and trying to make myself want to live. If I could, I'd just choose to fade away from reality. I should have never been born, things would have been so much better for everyone. Sorry if my thoughts were all over the place, but I've got a mild headache and feel like I want to lay on the ground and do nothing. 

[LeoX8]

@Ryan_047 I feel your anger. It is just so non-sense: What's the point of studying if in the end i will die? Why I can't just be happy? What's the point of living anyway?

Those are some questions that i used to ask myself every single day. I've arrived to a point where I just wanted to end it once and for all: I was desperate and I just wanted to end the pain and the mess in my head.

Eventually, I didn't. Why?

One day I was on one of my lowest points and everything didn't make sense for me, I was so desperate. I started crying out laud and shouting "WHY THE FUCK AM I THIS WAY?! I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!" 

It took me a while but i finally realized that: even if it didn't make sense, even if I considered impossible, I just wanted to be happy. 

As soon as I surrendered to that, things started to change. This is my experience.

Now it's up to you to choose: even if it's pointless, even if it's impossible, do you want to be happy?

I can tell you that after that decision I worked my ass off to become a happier person, and surely it was so much difficult at first, but i guarantee you, it is totally worth it. No day has passed since I regretted that choice.

It's up to you now. I trust you <3

 

[Nickyy]

@Ryan_047 It's not that bad. These are just ideas.

Especially the idea that you won't attain happiness, that happiness is an ideal.

Well, happiness is the easy part. If you don't want to do meditation you can just observe your thoughts. 

What do you think happiness is? You may have some false beliefs about happiness. 

Take a look at them. Acknowledge them. Don't judge your ideas, just be aware and don't try to do anything about them. Just sit and become very present. Feel your breath flowing in and out of you. Feel the sensations in your body. Your legs, arms, feet touching the floor. 

Don't bypass your experience, feel your experience to the absolute fullest. 

There is this saying "come out of your head and come to your senses".

Try it. You might find that you're just creating an illusion and have gotten caught up in it for so long that you mistake it for real living. 

Forget about the situation in your life and just pay attention to the now. 

Wait for a while when you're rooted in the present moment and then ask yourself sincerely what problem you have NOW, not in ten minutes, not tomorrow, not next week or next year's, but now. 

What problem do you have now?

That's the key to being happy. There is no effort involved and nothing to do. 

[Dumuzzi]

You won't like what I'll have to say, but it's for your own good. 

You're spoilt rotten and simply do not appreciate how good you're having it in life. You have everything handed to you on a plate, including an education, yet you cannot appreciate the gifts that you're given and just whine and moan. What you need is a bit of hardship, so that you can learn to appreciate what you already have. If I were your parents I'd kick you to the kerb, but I'm sure they're much too soft to do that. The second best thing would be for you to have some empathy and actually observe some people suffering, which should help you gain a healthy perspective. Help out with a homeless charity or an old people's home, travel to some poor countries and observe how the people live and often how happy they are despite all the hardship they experience. Perhaps get a job and pay for your own damn education and upkeep. Believe me, you won't have any time to feel ennui that way. I'm not saying that to be mean (which I'm told I am, repeatedly), but to help you. What you need is some tough love and if you don't take care of it yourself, life will eventually do it for you and you won't like that...

[Ryan_047]

@Dumuzzi Although I do appreciate your input, it's bold of you to assume so much things without the proper context. I went to charities and helped disable people and animals. I know how bad people are being treated all around the world and what horrors people had to endure in history. My education is free because I got good marks on exams, I get a scholarship and I also fix laptops and solve problems for other people in spare time and I'm doing my best not ever asking money from my parents and managing my little budget that I have. Also I've been emotionally(and sometimes physically)  abused growing up, my family was far from "soft", as you're confidently assuming.At 15 my mother beat me because I've wanted to work at a local walmart. I'm also aware that this is almost objectively the best time to be alive, as a human being. Having done all of that, I'm still suicidal, because I'm a selfish piece of garbage. 

With that out of the way, your "tough love" attitude towards fucked up, depressed and suicidal people is not productive. Imagine a dying elephant on the side of the road who's screaming and crying. What you're doing with your philosophy, is kicking the elephant in his eye, annoying him and making him more miserable. I'm not saying that because I want to defend my own little petty ego, as you're surely thinking right now, but to convince you that this approach is not suitable towards depressed people. I don't know which is the correct approach, but this is not the way to go. You think that by making me feel more miserable and bad for what a close minded, myopic, ungrateful person I am will make me feel better? Lol! Like I didn't know what a piece of shit of a human being I am for not taking advantage of all of the gifts and opportunities my environment is offering and how miserable I'm making other people by just existing next to them.

"life will eventually do it for you and you won't like that..." If that involves being poor on the streets and my family completely forgetting about me, or a bag of bricks falling on me, I'm all for it. 

[Inliytened1]

@Ryan_047 you seem to be struggling with a legit mental illness.  Depression.  First off this is an illness just like cancer.  You need to open up about it with your parents whether they will understand or not.   Dropping out of school or worrying about what they think is the least of your problems.

Then you need to find a therapist and maybe get on some medication.  Ultimately none of us on the forum are doctors (at least most of us) and what you really need is a doctor for this.   

 

[Nickyy]

21 minutes ago, Ryan_047 said:

@Dumuzzi Although I do appreciate your input, it's bold of you to assume so much things without the proper context. I went to charities and helped disable people and animals. I know how bad people are being treated all around the world and what horrors people had to endure in history. My education is free because I got good marks on exams, I get a scholarship and I also fix laptops and solve problems for other people in spare time and I'm doing my best not ever asking money from my parents and managing my little budget that I have. Also I've been emotionally(and sometimes physically)  abused growing up, my family was far from "soft", as you're confidently assuming.At 15 my mother beat me because I've wanted to work at a local walmart. I'm also aware that this is almost objectively the best time to be alive, as a human being. Having done all of that, I'm still suicidal, because I'm a selfish piece of garbage. 

With that out of the way, your "tough love" attitude towards fucked up, depressed and suicidal people is not productive. Imagine a dying elephant on the side of the road who's screaming and crying. What you're doing with your philosophy, is kicking the elephant in his eye, annoying him and making him more miserable. I'm not saying that because I want to defend my own little petty ego, as you're surely thinking right now, but to convince you that this approach is not suitable towards depressed people. I don't know which is the correct approach, but this is not the way to go. You think that by making me feel more miserable and bad for what a close minded, myopic, ungrateful person I am will make me feel better? Lol! Like I didn't know what a piece of shit of a human being I am for not taking advantage of all of the gifts and opportunities my environment is offering and how miserable I'm making other people by just existing next to them.

"life will eventually do it for you and you won't like that..." If that involves being poor on the streets and my family completely forgetting about me, or a bag of bricks falling on me, I'm all for it. 

Now can you channel your anger into a pursuit rather than playing the victim?

There is a cool thread in the dating section about victim mentality and it has all the info one needs to fix it.

Can't you think of something that you truly want to do with your life after school?

(I would just push through the exams mate and get it over and done with)

 

[Nickyy]

5 minutes ago, Maximus said:

If you are failing at meditating and depressed, one possible solution is to identify your biggest passion and biggest value, and practice for one hour a day doing that, for three years, in relation to what you would ideally want to do. That is a meditation practice and therapy.

This is excellent advice. Embody a passion and a value. That is another way out of depression and anxiety. Nice one

(Hint, try everything you can before taking medication. Meds are the last thing you want to get hooked on.) 

[Inliytened1]

1 minute ago, Nickyy said:

This is excellent advice. Embody a passion and a value. That is another way out of depression and anxiety. Nice one

(Hint, try everything you can before taking medication. Meds are the last thing you want to get hooked on.) 

I agree i would try everything before getting on medication - and give it a real shot.  If it doesn't work though SSRI'S can literally save your life.  If you are that suicidal then being hooked on something that helps you function is better than being dead.

[Nickyy]

3 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

I agree i would try everything before getting on medication - and give it a real shot.  If it doesn't work though SSRI'S can literally save your life.  If you are that suicidal then being hooked on something that helps you function is better than being dead.

I know. If there was an urge to attempt suicide, then I'd stop myself and go to my doc. But just suicidal thoughts can be dealt with easily by just doing some of the things mentioned on here. 

[Inliytened1]

@Ryan_047 Actually there are studies now that show pyschedelics are way better than SSRIs.  Maybe look into the psychedelic path for healing your depression.  They are not addictive so a much better alternative.

[silene]

I would just echo that it's generally not a good time to be making life-changing decisions like dropping out of college / university, or ending relationships when you're feeling depressed. You may regret it later, so please try to address the depression before quitting, so you will be in a better place to make big decisions on your future.  I would suggest opening up to your tutor or pastoral support as this type of problem is unfortunately quite common and if it's a good college. they should have a support system to help you and take off some of the pressure. 

Edited November 21, 2019 by silene

[Ryan_047]

@Inliytened1 It's not really about what they'll think about me, it's more about how it would affect them. Both were suicidal and me just confessing about how I really am will just bring those feelings back and make them feel like shit. My father also suffered a stroke a few years back and this will just make his condition worse. I'm literally a walking curse. 

Edit: There is no way to get psychedelics in my country other than drug dealers, and who know what shit they could give to me. 

Edited November 22, 2019 by Ryan_047

[Ryan_047]

@Maximus Well, that sounds good on paper. But I just can't identify my passion. Everything I do feels like escapism. I also just can't take pleasure in anything I once enjoyed. Everything is just hollow. 

[Dumuzzi]

10 hours ago, Ryan_047 said:

@Dumuzzi Although I do appreciate your input, it's bold of you to assume so much things without the proper context. I went to charities and helped disable people and animals. I know how bad people are being treated all around the world and what horrors people had to endure in history. My education is free because I got good marks on exams, I get a scholarship and I also fix laptops and solve problems for other people in spare time and I'm doing my best not ever asking money from my parents and managing my little budget that I have. Also I've been emotionally(and sometimes physically)  abused growing up, my family was far from "soft", as you're confidently assuming.At 15 my mother beat me because I've wanted to work at a local walmart. I'm also aware that this is almost objectively the best time to be alive, as a human being. Having done all of that, I'm still suicidal, because I'm a selfish piece of garbage. 

With that out of the way, your "tough love" attitude towards fucked up, depressed and suicidal people is not productive. Imagine a dying elephant on the side of the road who's screaming and crying. What you're doing with your philosophy, is kicking the elephant in his eye, annoying him and making him more miserable. I'm not saying that because I want to defend my own little petty ego, as you're surely thinking right now, but to convince you that this approach is not suitable towards depressed people. I don't know which is the correct approach, but this is not the way to go. You think that by making me feel more miserable and bad for what a close minded, myopic, ungrateful person I am will make me feel better? Lol! Like I didn't know what a piece of shit of a human being I am for not taking advantage of all of the gifts and opportunities my environment is offering and how miserable I'm making other people by just existing next to them.

"life will eventually do it for you and you won't like that..." If that involves being poor on the streets and my family completely forgetting about me, or a bag of bricks falling on me, I'm all for it. 

Good, I'm happy to hear I was wrong.

Listen, I'm not trying to bring you down. What I see is that you are wallowing in self-pity. Toughen up and snap out of it. You are degrading yourself and bringing yourself down for no good reason. 

I don't want to throw clichés at you, I'm sure you get plenty of those already. A change in your point of view is what you really need. If you haven't done that already, spend some time in a third-world country, such as India, which will teach you to appreciate how lucky you are. I would feel more sympathy for you if you were a limbless beggar with leprosy being spat at every day. From what i can see, you are extremely lucky, living in a first world country with every sort of amenity at your fingertip. I'm sorry if I cannot empathise with first-world problems, but it seems to me that you are in some sort of middle-class bubble. There is nothing wrong with you per se, except for your self-pity. BTW, suicide would be the most selfish thing you could possibly do, it is just another me-me-me ego trip that is a cry for attention. 

I am trying to clobber you on the head with some hard home truths, because apparently you won't get that from anyone else. 

Your first delusion is that you imagine you exist in isolation, otherwise you wouldn't be contemplating suicide. No man is an island and it is time you start giving back. Forget about yourself, you do not matter. Your puny little ego is just a squeaky little voice in your head that tells you what not to do. That is not you. The real you is part of a greater whole and is connected to everyone and everything. Ignore the squeaky little voice and do the exact opposite of what it tells you to do. Usually, it will tell you NOT to do things. Don't ask that girl out, don't book that flight ticket, don't get out of your comfort zone, etc... 

Also, there are higher powers at work who will help you in subtle ways, if you let them. Ask for help. Don't be embarrassed. In your head, you are alone with your higher Self, which is infinite awareness and connects you to a greater reality. It cannot speak, but it will communicate with you through dreams, synchronicities, people it sends into your life. Quieten your ego and amplify the Self. 

Good luck,

[Nahm]

21 hours ago, Ryan_047 said:

 

Emotions are indicative of the relationship between you and your inner being / source, unconditional love. You’re thinking it’s parents, past, school, etc - and that doesn’t feel good, as your inner being is telling you in feeling - “that’s not true! Let that perspective go! Stop believing it!”.  You keep choosing to believe the thoughts, rather than listening to feelings. Life does lose it’s zest without feeling. Everything feels dull and like an uphill battle without love, intuition, inspiration - our source - your source. It’s not as hard to make this change as you’re currently believing. You can let your stronghold on perspective and being right go a bit right now in this very moment, and feel a little relief right now. Source is always present and loving you. If you stop labeling yourself and identifying with the feelings you don’t even like, change within begins, feeling better begins, perspective begins to change. Feeling - which you thought was “the problem”, turns out to be the greatest experience in the world. It’s been guidance all along, transcendent of your parents, and or anyone else.  

So, this year I've entered my 1st year of college in computer science. Long story short, my depression

“My” depression = I’m right, so...there must be something wrong with me. 

Flip that coin:

“I’m not right at all....It’s quite easy to tell, because the perspective feels terrible. Maybe it’s not true. Maybe it’s simply how I’m looking at things. Maybe it’s my beliefs, about myself, which aren’t true and maybe that’s what doesn’t feel good.”

which I have been ignoring for the past 4-5 years it's starting to take a toll on me and I'm considering dropping out.

Stop ignoring feeling. It’s good! Let the perspectives, the thoughts, which are not serving, go. You’re actually awesome. Totally awesome. Hold any beliefs to the contrary - and it won’t resonate, because it is not true. 

I'm paying no tuition since I had good results in exams and I don't find the subjects I'm studying particularly hard. The thing is, I'm so fucked up mentally

There is not a thing wrong with you. That’s just a perspective, and overthinking. When you ignore the feeling which tells you that your self beliefs are not true for 4-5 years, of course, it’s not going to feel any better. The root of feeling is unconditional love for you. Your beliefs about yourself are not true. Your actually super awesome. I was great at bullshitting myself too, so it’s transparent to me. If you want to talk sometime, let me know. I can explain how I went from “where you’re at” to happy af. 

that I'm thinking about suicide every day and I just can't get myself to study anything.

This is referred to as fragmentation. There is not a you and a self, so you can not get yourself to do anything. You are yourself. When there is abuse, we fragment our idea of who we are, to protect our emotional well being. That is done based on identifying with the body to begin with, which was never true. The “way out” of this depression, is to align with feeling. Delicately, beautifully, gently, lovingly, and with the utilization of all available resources & help. 

I'm constantly distracting myself from my emotional problems

You don’t have emotional problems. Ignoring, avoiding, suppressing feelings is the “emotional problem”. It feels terrible, so don’t continue doing it. You would not touch a hot stove over & over, and claim it’s because of the past or what anyone else is saying or doing. Your current perspective about yourself is the touching the hot stove again and again. Notice, it does not feel good. Notice it’s a perspective. The “doesn’t feel good” is telling you “Stop doing it!”. 

to avoid facing them and I procrastinate on studying. I've got quite a few bad marks so far, and at this rate, I'll just fail all of my exams.

Write about them. Understanding arises. Listen to your own inner guidance. 

That's what I did in high school as well, but with minimal effort I managed to finish it without many problems. Depression, stress and anxiety were eating me alive

Perspective you identified with. You’re in control here. These are your perspectives. No one, no thing - is “eating you alive”. 

at the time but I digress. I can't afford therapy, and I even if I would, the mental health system in my country is so bad that I'll just get fed medication every day in a hospital only to numb down my emotions. 

You don’t need them to get this. They’ll suffer until they are done being “right” and stubborn about it too. 

I did try to meditate, but I couldn't maintain the habit going for long.

Yeah? Why not? 

Because when purification, the unconditional healing via the love within you arose to your call, you chose the same perspectives about yourself instead. 

Same for journaling and shadow work. Noticed positive results, but I'm just dropping and picking them up again.

Start a dream board. A thought about it, is not the experience of doing it. Do it, and actually see how it begins to change everything. The “on & off” of practices is very common, and is rooted in fear of feelings. What do you want in this life, which is so important to you, so valued to you, that you’ll do any practices to realize your dream? No mention of the past, no mention of other people, no mention of the school system, etc. What do you actually want? 

At this point, I just want to drop out of college and then isolate myself in a cabin somewhere in a forest where I'll just spend time thinking whatever I should continue to live or not.I no longer want to struggle to create a beautiful life for myself and improve myself. I've realized that happiness is nothing more but an ideal which I can't attain and it's futile to pursue it.

Happiness is the true self, the source of your emotions & feelings. Connect those two dots. You’ve been utilizing overthinking & beliefs to avoid feeling. Who you are - is not the perspectives, behaviors, or actions. Right now is a fresh brand new moment - and then you drag your story of your past & who you are into it. Notice that, and let it go. Start telling a new story. The one that feels good. The one you want. School or no school, doesn’t matter. Feeling good matters, and is the well that all you want will come from. You can tell me you don’t want anything, and I can tell you that you obviously want to feel better. Skip that non-sense and acknowledge that you actually want to feel better (sense). Be willing to admit that. 

My problem is that if I'll drop out of college, I'll just cause my parents to suffer greatly, especially if I'm going to open up about my emotional problems. They'll worry, get scared, become aggressive etc. I'm too tired and fearful to face such a situation.

You’re carrying around a fifty pound sack of self beliefs that are not true. Put it down already. Nobody is impressed. Nobody is being served by you believing things about yourself which are not true. 

I'm also financially dependent on my parents, which is pathetic, I know, so I can't just move out and try to sort things out.

Sure you can. You can get a job. That in itself will “sort a lot of things out”. When you’ve been ignoring your awesomeness for years, it can feel like taking responsibility for yourself, working, will not feel good. But, when you actually do so - you find that it actually feels amazing. 

To recap, I want to drop out, but that would just fuck up my parents mentally even more than they already are, and I just want to be guilty of that. 

Stop using your parents as your write off, your excuse. Make changes for yourself, because you feel terrible. You don’t need to feel this way, you don’t deserve to, you don’t have to keep repeating that same terrible feeling story about yourself. 

I haven't felt freedom or happiness in years,

You can, right now. Let the perspectives which don’t feel good and are not serving you - go. Choose a better feeling thought. 

and quite frankly I'm just tired of living and trying to make myself want to live.

Right. Thinking will never be feeling, try as you may. You’re going to feel relief the minute you’re willing to not have been right, and let go. 18 - 25 is as rough as life gets, developmentally speaking. You should be finding our who you really are via your plans, actions, etc. Instead you’re believing thoughts about yourself which do not even feel good to you. You’re doing this though, and you can change that. 

If I could, I'd just choose to fade away from reality. I should have never been born, things would have been so much better for everyone. Sorry if my thoughts were all over the place, but I've got a mild headache and feel like I want to lay on the ground and do nothing. 

Tired of that story. 

 

[Nahm]

5 hours ago, Ryan_047 said:

@Maximus Well, that sounds good on paper. But I just can't identify my passion. Everything I do feels like escapism. I also just can't take pleasure in anything I once enjoyed. Everything is just hollow. 

Don’t aim so high, “passion”. Start with what you simply want. Write it down. That could be a sandwich. Just start tuning into what you want. 

“I don't know what I'm supposed to do”

There isn’t anything you’re supposed to do. That’s the thing...that’s a belief. You get to do what you want to do.