Girl with boyfriend: moral dilema?

[Alfonsoo]

What you guys think of this/think I should do?

iv been with a girl, she has a long time boyfriend, but out friendship is exponentially growing into a potential romance. Our interactions at at the point I’m starting to feel some jealousy from the boyfriend. The girl and I we really have a thing. I can feel she tones everything down a few notches when her boyfriend pops around (physical contact etc). 
So I have to make a decision; wether

a) I proceed and most probably end up having something with her. Which I assume will destabilize her relationship but, a part of says that if her relationship was so great and fulfilling she wouldn’t be looking for something else

b) stay away, which rather not but I don’t want to mess with her emotions and have her getting hurt.

i

Edited November 21, 2019 by Alfonsoo

[Gili Trawangan]

This sort of thing comes up once in a while here. What you have to understand is that if she cheats on her boyfriend to be with you, there is a very good chance that she will do the same to you in the future.

It would be another story if she decided on her own volition to leave her boyfriend before anything happens with you.

Once a branch swinger, always a branch swinger, girls like that cannot be trusted.

[Alfonsoo]

@Gili Trawangan is not the cheating that I’m so worried about. I don’t know if I would bare disrupting their relationship. If I should keep taking it further 

[Gili Trawangan]

That's an obvious no, and you know it.

[Spiral]

I'd avoid having a relationship with her.

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

Personally, I think the "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a popular, mainstream assumption. Its probably most often the case but I dont think is an absolute. 

It depends on how deep your connection is with this girl. Its probably likely to be a more lustful, physical attraction. Try to imagine what it would be like breaking up their relationship, you getting with her, and staying with her for years after your initial physical attraction and sparks have died. Would you be in some sort of soul-bond with her? Like a 100% conviction she is the one for you. Its likely that would not be the case IMO. And as for the notion that if she is flirting with you, their relationship is probably not good anyway, maybe that is the case but then it would probably dissolve on its own eventually or by other means so don't take it as your responsibility to free her from the relationship. Also try to put yourself in the shoes of her boyfriend. 

[Alfonsoo]

@TrynaBeTurquoise I feel our connection is quite deep. I do believe I would be willing to be with her for a long time , even imagining the physical attraction phase fading away, I think her personality is quite enough. 
in regards of her current relationship, I’m not taking it as a task to dissolve it, but I’m trying to figure out if it would be truly wrong to be the cause of their breakup or something like that. Of course their eventually breakup, and I don’t see that as permission to violently intervene and steal her but I mean, it’s just a temporary romance high school type of deal she’s going through. I think taking our connection a little deeper just to explore would help us both realize weather disrupting her relationship is worth it.

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

7 minutes ago, Alfonsoo said:

@TrynaBeTurquoise I feel our connection is quite deep. I do believe I would be willing to be with her for a long time , even imagining the physical attraction phase fading away, I think her personality is quite enough. 
in regards of her current relationship, I’m not taking it as a task to dissolve it, but I’m trying to figure out if it would be truly wrong to be the cause of their breakup or something like that. Of course their eventually breakup, and I don’t see that as permission to violently intervene and steal her but I mean, it’s just a temporary romance high school type of deal she’s going through. I think taking our connection a little deeper just to explore would help us both realize weather disrupting her relationship is worth it.

Some clarifications to contextualize this better would be 1) how old are you and her? 2) what is your experience with long term relationships?

Unless you have been in a relationship with a girl for at least 2 or 3 years, its easy to speculate that your initial feelings of attraction will last for years and years. Until you have been there done that multiple times and realize that initial bubble is going to burst, and for better or worse the relationship is going to evolve and transcend that. 

I'm not saying theres no chance she is the right one for you. But while you are in this position without a girlfriend, keep testing the waters, like actively put yourself out there talking and building connections to other girls and see if you might be able to find someone who you connect with and are attracted to just as much or maybe even more who doesn't have a boyfriend. Take advantage of the freedom of being single and being able to flirt with and pursue whoever you want. 

[Alfonsoo]

38 minutes ago, TrynaBeTurquoise said:

@TrynaBeTurquoise both of us have been in a couple relationships. I believe she is more experienced that I am but I’ve definitely learned to recognize when a relationship is t going to work, despite physical attraction. Way this girl and I have going on , it’s been going on for en ought time and enough intensity that I can confidently say that this truly has potential. I’ve felt that diminishing interest you talk about, I mean, there’s no guarantee it won’t happen but this is definitely going somewhere good .

im 20 she’s 19, I believe her boyfriends 19

[ajasatya]

@Alfonsoo b

Stay clean.

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

28 minutes ago, Alfonsoo said:

1 hour ago, TrynaBeTurquoise said:

@TrynaBeTurquoise both of us have been in a couple relationships. I believe she is more experienced that I am but I’ve definitely learned to recognize when a relationship is t going to work, despite physical attraction. Way this girl and I have going on , it’s been going on for en ought time and enough intensity that I can confidently say that this truly has potential. I’ve felt that diminishing interest you talk about, I mean, there’s no guarantee it won’t happen but this is definitely going somewhere good .

im 20 she’s 19, I believe her boyfriends 19

Heres another option, just be honest and come clean with her. Acknowledge what you sense building between the two of you and make it clear that while you care about her, you respect the fact that she has a boyfriend and you don't want to mess up her relationship. The ball is in her court, she will have to really think about her priorities. Maybe they won't be together for that much longer if you are right about them not being too serious. 

Theres a possibility she could start fronting and be like "oh no its not like that at all with us, we are just friends" as a defense mechanism to keep what you have. But don't settle for that, stand up for your convictions, while at the same time making it clear it has nothing to do with her and you really value her company.

Edited November 22, 2019 by TrynaBeTurquoise

[Forestluv]

There will be serious trust issues in the relationship. Without trust, sour will overwhelm sweet. 

 

[Dlavjr]

Been there, had sex multiple times with a girlfriend that had a boyfriend, we were together before they broke up. 2 years later, she left me for somebody she met at work. If she really likes you, she'll leave her boyfriend first. It's easier said than done, but if she has any self respect or respect for others she'd wait till things we're officially over to kickstart things with you.

[Leo Gura]

On 11/20/2019 at 8:58 PM, Alfonsoo said:

exponentially growing into a potential romance. Our interactions at at the point I’m starting to feel some jealousy from the boyfriend.

Is there really a romance, or is it all in your mind?

Just because you see it as a romance does not mean she does.

There is a tendency for desperate guys to see a romance where none exists from the girl's POV.

[Alfonsoo]

20 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

There will be serious trust issues in the relationship. Without trust, sour will overwhelm sweet. 

 

Why would you say that?

[Alfonsoo]

@Leo Gura

11 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Is there really a romance, or is it all in your mind?

Just because you see it as a romance does not mean she does.

There is a tendency for desperate guys to see a romance where none exists from the girl's POV.

well, at least that’s what I see. In past experiences I could see how my mind was trying to convince itself that this romance was going on, just as you say. But this time (I know it sound like everyone else) it is unfolding differently. How I’m i going to find out anyways if it’s not by keeping moving forward.

[Leo Gura]

@Alfonsoo Do it and see what happens. If you dare. Don't be surprised if it blows up in your face because what you are doing is devilry: manipulating for sex.

But hey, devils can't help being devils.

[PlayOnWords]

4 hours ago, Alfonsoo said:

Why would you say that?

Because it's true. If she fucks you then ends up breaking things off with the other guy for you... Fast forward 6 months later: you're paranoid, insecure and fearful in the back of your mind that what has once happened, shall happen again, only this time you're on the receiving end of the painful blow that says "you were not enough".

Maybe.

It doesn't have to be this way. Only you know for sure.

[pink]

 hey, only you know devils can't help being devils.

[Alfonsoo]

@Leo Gura yeah, you are probably right.

You got me thinking . After my some psychedelic trips I experienced a huge , ginormous ego backlash. I really am having trouble getting back on track, in all aspects: nutrition, meditation, etc. It feels almost as if I was starting from scratch. I think you can see it in this post thread.
could you make a video for people who are just starting (or at finding them self out of track) to help the chick start ? I know your way past that but you’ve got a lot of new viewers and all the new content and knowledge could be integrated in this video. I’ve seen it, I’ve recommend the channel to varios friends whom seem genuinely interested but got intimidated by the newer topics.

im so sorry if this looks to low conscious for your time, I know you would rather do ever more complex videos but I believe helping the new comers or the fallen ones (hehe) would really really be of help.

Edited November 24, 2019 by Alfonsoo