What is a Victim Mentality?

[Ananta]

What is a Victim Mentality?

"Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset which seeks to feel persecuted in order to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility. People who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them. This belief results in constant blame, finger-pointing, and pity parties that are fuelled by pessimism, fear, and anger.

 

Simply put, having a victim mentality means that you blame other people and circumstances for the unhappiness you feel.

How Self-Victimization Develops

No one is born with a victim mentality, just as no one is born clinically depressed or anxious. Instead, the victim mentality is an acquired personality trait, meaning that it is the result of early life conditioning and coping mechanisms.

Most victims were victimized in some way as children, whether that was through physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or psychological abuse. Self-victimization can also develop through the codependent relationships we had with our parents, or simply by observing and adopting the unhealthy victim mentality exhibited by one or more of our family members.

However, although what happens to us as children is completely beyond our control, it is our responsibility as adults to step into our power and reclaim responsibility for our happiness.

9 Benefits of Being a Victim

Playing the victim actually has a number of juicy perks. These rewards make it very difficult to break out of such a mindset, which is why most victims seem to be so emotionally invested in perpetuating this type of toxic behavior.

Some of the perks include the following:

Not having to take responsibility for anything

Other people lavishing you with attention

Other people feeling sorry for you

Other people are less likely to criticize or upset you

You have the “right” to complain

You’re more likely to get what you want

You feel interesting because you get to tell people all of your stories

You don’t have to feel bored because there’s too much drama going on

You get to avoid and bypass anger because you’re too busy feeling sad

Can you see some underlying patterns starting to emerge here?

 

Playing the victim actually gives you a lot of power: power to avoid responsibility, power to feel “righteously” sad and persecuted, power to avoid uncomfortable emotions, and power to manipulate other people."

..........

 

"How to Deal With Self-Proclaimed Victims-

1) Don’t get sucked into their feelings

(Remember that victims are unconsciously seeking attention and validation. However, when you grant what they want, you will become emotionally entangled with them)

2) Make it their problem

(Victim complex sufferers will always find a way to pin blame and responsibility onto another person as a way of bypassing self-responsibility.)

3) Agree wholeheartedly

(This practice uses a little bit of reverse psychology: go along with their resistance completely so that you completely blow the problem out of proportion)

4) Don’t give advice

(The truth is that victims don’t want to solve their problems, because that would undermine their sense of being victimized!)

 

(More in the article-https://lonerwolf.com/victim-mentality)

 

[Bill W]

Too much sense of entitlement, and therefore a correlating lack of humility. This is the last thing most people want to hear, that they have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and a lack of humility. It's like a double slap on the face. 

Good that you listed the perks, as I am a great fan of David Hawkin's Letting Go technique. Unless you can identify the pay-offs and surrender them, it's hard to change a self-defeating behaviour. 

[Ananta]

I'm sure it is hard to change this victim mentality, because there really are real payoffs to keeping such behaviors going.

This forum relationship subsection in many ways gives some members the platform to chronically complain, blame and whine. Then, they get the push/pull energy of ppl trying to help them and then they chronically reject the advice, over and over, emotionally cutting themselves (as Emerald once put it), until they have their fix for the day. It happens on here all the time with a few users.

Thanks for mentioning the letting go technique (I looked it up)-

*Hawkins on How to Practice the Letting Go Technique. ... “Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it."

 

[Preety_India]

The best antidote to a victim mentality is acceptance. A non victim trying to be a victim should accept the nature of things. 

 

 

[Bill W]

The Letting Go book and some of his YouTube stuff on the subject is amazing. Game changer for me.

The dating section of this site has a strong element of the blind leading the blind but I know it's an important issue many struggle with. 

Anyway. This is a good thread to have. 

[Nickyy]

3 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

The best antidote to a victim mentality is acceptance. A non victim trying to be a victim should accept the nature of things. 

 

 

??

[Ananta]

13 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

The best antidote to a victim mentality is acceptance. A non victim trying to be a victim should accept the nature of things. 

 

 

The way I see it is that victim mentality is an emotional rollercoaster one puts themselves on and it keeps them completely stuck. Hard to make effective change in your life when you're playing a victim, because so much time is spent fixated on being miserable and usually pointing fingers blaming or complaining. I really feel sorry for them, but they need tough love I think.

[Ananta]

15 minutes ago, Bill W said:

The Letting Go book and some of his YouTube stuff on the subject is amazing. Game changer for me.

Awesome! Thanks for sharing that. I'll look it up more when I have more time.

15 minutes ago, Bill W said:

Anyway. This is a good thread to have. 

Thank you

[Preety_India]

I think victim mentality is a very strong way of protecting the ego in the worst manner possible. 

It's based in fear and the fear of change and living with the ego while resisting change. 

Such people go to great lengths in making defensive claims. They keep defending that ego their entire lives without giving up. Maybe in their minds giving up means defeat so they keep arguing endlessly never submitting never accepting and never changing. 

That's a very sad existence, to only live for the ego, like a slave to the ego. 

[Nickyy]

I can see this thread generating a ton of quality discussion. ,??

[Ananta]

 

3 minutes ago, Nickyy said:

I can see this thread generating a ton of quality discussion. ,??

I hope so..

My intention for this thread is to perhaps open the eyes of those holding on tight to their victimhood mentalities and maybe convincing them through logic to drop it. For them to see the benefits or payoffs, really aren't so beneficial after all. All they are doing is hurting themselves. It's a dysfunctional coping mechanism, that's all it is...

[Ananta]

@Preety_India I completely agree, its sad☹

[Forestluv]

For a long time, I thought playing the victim was when someone acted like a helpless victim for attention and to avoid responsibility. I suppose that is one expression. Yet I've realized victim mentality can also be used very aggressively to gain a dominant position. For example, narcissists use victim mentality as a weapon. It's not always a "poor me, nobody loves me". It can be like a knife. For example, I dated a narcissist and she would often twist situations such that I was at fault. It's not always to get sympathy or avoid responsibility. For example, one time her co-worker was having a birthday event and my ex and I thought we should attend. She was like: "it's a chill event - I don't know her that well and don't like her much. But I should go for a little while since she is a co-worker. Let's stay for an hour and then we do our own thing".. . . So the event was an hour drive away. I do my best to get out of work early and get through traffic. I show up 10-15min. late and she is irate. She knows this is a way to get control in this setting. "How dare you show up late". . . (she then gaslights to leverage the victim mentality). . . "You knew how much this event meant to me and you show up late." (gaslight). "How do you think this makes me feel? I'm mortified. You are so disrespectful to me. My friends asked if we broke up (a lie). And now they see how disrespectful you are to me. This is so embarrassing and hurtful to be disrespected like this". . . This sounds outrageously sick, yet a skilled narcissist starts slow early in the relationship, draws the other person in and slowly tightens the clamp. . . This would trigger my empathy and desire to avoid conflict. I might feel bad that she is upset, try to move on and not make it a big deal out of it. . . Yet a narcissist will want the other person to acknowledge their victim role they have created. . . She would keep pushing until I said something like "Ok, you're right. I should have gotten here on time. Sorry about that. Let's not let it ruin our night. Let's have fun tonight". . . Then they have leverage to get stuff in the future. And they might embellish the story. For example, a week later I catch her sexting with an ex and ask her what's going on . . . She responds: "Well, last week you hurt me by coming a half hour late to my best friends birthday party. People have been talking about that at work and it's been so embarrassing. You haven't even apologized. I don't even know if I'm still your gf. You are probably going on other dates. That's the real reason you were late. You were on another date! Admit it". . . Here she scores a Narcissist Hat Trick: 1. She avoids taking personal responsibility (she is cheating on me), 2. she plays the victim and 3. she goes on offense and accuses me of being the one who is cheating.  . . Victimization can be used as a knife.

But wait, the dynamic can expand. . . Can I play the victim too? You betcha . . . I too can use victimization to avoid taking personal responsibility and to seek attention/validation.  . . I could have gone to a friend and said. . . "I'm such a nice guy and she doesn't appreciate me. . . After all I've done for her, she treats me like this.". . . . My friend may respond: "You are such a genuine good guy. You deserve so much better. I wish you could find someone who deserves you". . . (Awww, shucks. . . ).

But wait, the dynamic can expand even more. . . Can I be playing the victim right now?. . . You betcha. . .. I could be. . . Playing victim and self delusion is such a tricky thing. . . 

[Ananta]

6 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

For a long time, I thought playing the victim was when someone acted like a helpless victim for attention and to avoid responsibility. I suppose that is one expression. Yet I've realized victim mentality can also be used very aggressively to gain a dominant position. For example, narcissists use victim mentality as a weapon. It's not always a "poor me, nobody loves me". It can be like a knife. For example, I dated a narcissist and she would often twist situations such that I was at fault. It's not always to get sympathy or avoid responsibility. For example, one time her co-worker was having a birthday event and my ex and I thought it would be fun to attend. She was like: "it's a chill event - I don't know her that well and don't like her much. But I should go for a little while since she is a co-worker. Let's stay for an hour and then we do our own thing".. . . So the event was an hour drive away. I do my best to get out of work early and get through traffic. I show up 10-15min. late and she is irate. She knows this is a way to get control in this setting. "How dare you show up late". . . (she then gaslights to leverage the victim mentality). . . "You knew how much this event meant to me and you show up late." (gaslight). "How do you think this makes me feel? I'm mortified. You are so disrespectful to me. My friends asked if we broke up (a lie). And now they see how disrespectful you are to me. This is so embarrassing and hurtful to be disrespected like this". . . This sounds outrageously sick, yet a skilled narcissist starts slow early in the relationship, draws the other person in and slowly tightens the clamp. . . This would trigger my empathy and desire to avoid conflict. I might feel bad that she is upset, apologize, try to move on and not make it a big deal out of it. . . Yet a narcissist will want the other person to acknowledge their victim role they have created. . . She would keep pushing until I said something like "Ok, you're right. I should have gotten here on time. Sorry about that. Let's not let it ruin our night. Let's have fun tonight". . . Then they have leverage to get stuff they want in the future. And they might embellish the story. For example, a week later I catch her sexting with an ex and ask her what's going on . . . She responds: "Well, last week you hurt me by coming a half hour late to my best friends birthday party. People have been talking about that at work and it's been so embarrassing. You haven't even apologized. I don't even know if I'm still your gf. You are probably going on other dates. That's the real reason you were late. You were on another date! Admit it". . . Here she scores a Narcissist Hat Trick: 1. She avoids taking personal responsibility (she is cheating on me), 2. she plays the victim and 3. she goes on offense and accuses me of being the one who is cheating.  . . And this is just scratching the surface. . . Victimization can be used as a knife.

But wait, the dynamic can expand. . . Can I play the victim too? You betcha . . . I too can use victimization to avoid taking personal responsibility and to seek attention/validation.  . . I could have gone to a friend and said. . . "I'm such a nice guy and she doesn't appreciate me. . . After all I've done for her, she treats me like this.". . . . My friend my respond: "You are such a genuine good person. You deserve so much better. I wish you could find someone who deserves you". . . (Awww, shucks. . . ).

But wait, the dynamic can expand even more. . . Can I be playing the victim right now?. . . You betcha. . .. I could be. . . Self delusion is such a tricky thing. . . 

That's a great post! Ty❤

Very detailed and it gets the point across very well. I love how at the bottom there is potentially another victim, then another and....can go on and on.

Ppl like myself that had emotional abuse as a child can relate to feeling like a victim, even verbalizing being a victim, for years, but after awhile one has to put their foot down and say "no more, stop the insanity!" Then, actually do the work to stop the victim mentality.

So, yes, there are all sorts of victim mentalities out there. All with there own set of pay offs. One must be willing to let the pay offs go. They aren't worth it!

[Preety_India]

22 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

For a long time, I thought playing the victim was when someone acted like a helpless victim for attention and to avoid responsibility. I suppose that is one expression. Yet I've realized victim mentality can also be used very aggressively to gain a dominant position. For example, narcissists use victim mentality as a weapon. It's not always a "poor me, nobody loves me". It can be like a knife. For example, I dated a narcissist and she would often twist situations such that I was at fault. It's not always to get sympathy or avoid responsibility. For example, one time her co-worker was having a birthday event and my ex and I thought it would be fun to attend. She was like: "it's a chill event - I don't know her that well and don't like her much. But I should go for a little while since she is a co-worker. Let's stay for an hour and then we do our own thing".. . . So the event was an hour drive away. I do my best to get out of work early and get through traffic. I show up 10-15min. late and she is irate. She knows this is a way to get control in this setting. "How dare you show up late". . . (she then gaslights to leverage the victim mentality). . . "You knew how much this event meant to me and you show up late." (gaslight). "How do you think this makes me feel? I'm mortified. You are so disrespectful to me. My friends asked if we broke up (a lie). And now they see how disrespectful you are to me. This is so embarrassing and hurtful to be disrespected like this". . . This sounds outrageously sick, yet a skilled narcissist starts slow early in the relationship, draws the other person in and slowly tightens the clamp. . . This would trigger my empathy and desire to avoid conflict. I might feel bad that she is upset, apologize, try to move on and not make it a big deal out of it. . . Yet a narcissist will want the other person to acknowledge their victim role they have created. . . She would keep pushing until I said something like "Ok, you're right. I should have gotten here on time. Sorry about that. Let's not let it ruin our night. Let's have fun tonight". . . Then they have leverage to get stuff they want in the future. And they might embellish the story. For example, a week later I catch her sexting with an ex and ask her what's going on . . . She responds: "Well, last week you hurt me by coming a half hour late to my best friends birthday party. People have been talking about that at work and it's been so embarrassing. You haven't even apologized. I don't even know if I'm still your gf. You are probably going on other dates. That's the real reason you were late. You were on another date! Admit it". . . Here she scores a Narcissist Hat Trick: 1. She avoids taking personal responsibility (she is cheating on me), 2. she plays the victim and 3. she goes on offense and accuses me of being the one who is cheating.  . . And this is just scratching the surface. . . Victimization can be used as a knife.

But wait, the dynamic can expand. . . Can I play the victim too? You betcha . . . I too can use victimization to avoid taking personal responsibility and to seek attention/validation.  . . I could have gone to a friend and said. . . "I'm such a nice guy and she doesn't appreciate me. . . After all I've done for her, she treats me like this.". . . . My friend my respond: "You are such a genuine good person. You deserve so much better. I wish you could find someone who deserves you". . . (Awww, shucks. . . ).

But wait, the dynamic can expand even more. . . Can I be playing the victim right now?. . . You betcha. . .. I could be. . . Self delusion is such a tricky thing. . . 

I went through a lot of these things in my many relationships. I was even called a murderer and that I might murder my partner in the future was my ex's hypothesis. 

So at that point I decided to leave because I had enough of his hypothetical future victim status. Now think about that. He had already dreamed up a future victim scenario for me. He even to the point of saying that if I married him, he would commit suicide the very next day and the whole world would find out how terrible I am, at which point I said that he could be free of being a victim of my cruelty if he chose to by dumping me. I asked his permission to break the relationship for the sake of his so called future safety. In which case he had no argument and he fell silent.. This was my second ex. 

Then he went to say that I might kill his parents out of hate. All of this over a very petty argument that he started because I fell asleep and forgot to reply to his texts. 

I finally had enough of his victim status under my perceived reign of terror and dumped him for good. 

The gaslighting felt like torture. If I didn't do what he said, I wasn't loving him the right way. If I did what he said, I was only doing it for some gain or perceived reason or out of fakery to please him. I just could not win. Any which way, I was bad and he was the good guy. 

The worst part of this perceived victim mentality is when they not only declare that they have suffered so much and how they have been wronged but also how great and honorable they are to put with this victim status because they are saintly, they are sacrificing their life and that they have to put with terrible partners out of love. Like when he would say that he "nobody will put with you, only me, poor me, I'm putting up with you because I love you and I am a great soul, look what I have to put up with" 

It's an endless cycle of frustration and torture and gaslighting and you get drained and miserable for being the cause of their victimhood. 

The other thing  I noticed is the unwillingness to change the situation since the victimhood needs to be continued. So if I told him that maybe I can resolve the conflict if we sat together then he suddenly disappeared not wanting to resolve the situation, because how else can he continue blaming me in the future. So no resolution. 

 

Edited November 20, 2019 by Preety_India

[Ananta]

@Preety_India ❤ 

[assx95]

Identifying as a victim = You think and believe that something happened in your life which shouldn't have happened. The key word being "should". 

I always felt victimized when a girl would suddenly leave me for someone else. And when that happened, i almost always focused on external circumstances and how unfair life is. 

Being a non-victim as @Preety_India needs not expecting anything, which is the same as acceptance. And if one understands the impermanence of all things, it makes things easier. 

All Leo does, in my opinion, is tell the same thing, in multitude of ways. 

 

[Arcangelo]

I will never take dating advice from someone that has been married 10 years+. Why? Because they never experienced dating in the social media age.

And I will NEVER ever take dating advice from a woman. It would be like listening to a fish giving me advice about how to catch fish instead of listening to an old fisherman's wisdom

 

 

Arc

[Ananta]

14 minutes ago, Arcangelo said:

I will never take dating advice from someone that has been married 10 years+. Why? Because they never experienced dating in the social media age.

And I will NEVER ever take dating advice from a woman. It would be like listening to a fish giving me advice about how to catch fish instead of listening to an old fisherman's wisdom

 

 

Arc

Okay, don't take advice from ppl married over 10 years and women. Actually,  why take advice at all, from anyone,  while you're at it. You already cut out an entire gender and another 1/4 that are men married over 10 yrs. 

 

[Ananta]

24 minutes ago, assx95 said:

if one understands the impermanence of all things, it makes things easier. 

Attachment leads to so much suffering. The sooner we realize nothing can be forever the smoother life goes. What comes must also go.