How to let go of a girl that i created emotions towards and focus on my Path in life

[Sidi]

Hello everyone,

Im doing my first year in a university in a foreign country. Everything is new for me and in my first weeks i met a girl that now i spend a lot of time with. We see each other almost everyday in university even though we have very few common classes. We went out twice not as a date but as chilling and having some drinks. I always enjoy the time with her and she often texts me first to meet up or says "see you tomorrow". My problem is that Im now starting to create feelings and if something happens (it happend that we made a plan for the weekend and she then said I cant come coz shes doing smth with her best friend) between us i get emotionally fucked up and it interrupts me from studying or seeing the big vision. I try and turn inwards and experience my emotions and try and let go of them but they are oftentimes very strong and its happening often. Yes I like her and would like to be with her but I dont want my focus to be on her but my path in life and my development. At the moment this situation is sucking a lot of energy out of me. Any advice for my situation would be appreciated.  

Edited November 18, 2019 by Sidi

[Nickyy]

@Sidi Accept everything. That's all. Be impartial.

Impartial doesn't mean disconnected, it means that you have the wisdom to understand that life comes with ups as well as downs, and that attaching yourself to any of these ups or downs as a way to enhance your identity or seek completeness in is a big mistake. 

Don't get moved around by the tide of life. Be in the tide of life and look at it your mind saying "this is good, this is bad" and just observe how that makes you a victim of circumstances. 

Just observe yourself making these value judgements without further judgement or making it into a personal problem. 

Watch what happens to your inner state as you do this.  

 

[Forestluv]

@Sidi It can be really challenging to develop a platonic relationship with a gal when there is romantic attraction. One thing I've done to reduce the amount of desire is to cut-off the option of dating, sex, relationship with her. A major source of desire energy is potential, fantasy and anticipation. If she was 100% unavailable the attraction would likely be knocked down considerably. For example, if she was a lesbian, married, had two children and moving to another country next month - a lot of romantic attraction would be sucked away like a vacuum cleaner.

For me, one thing that has helped is to shut the door on the possibility of dating, sex and a relationship with her. I would pick a time that felt right and say something like "I really like spending time together and I value our friendship a lot. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to date, yet I don't want to do that because it would alter our friendship and the friendship comes first for me". I've done this with several woman and it always goes over well. Women are used to being viewed and treated as a sexual object and for a guy to say that they like her so much as a person that they don't want to get sexual can be really meaningful to her. It's counter-intuitive. Once the dating/sex door is shut, a lot of the sexual energy can dissolve. As well, a lot of the sexual energy may be contracted because she doesn't know. Once it's out in the open, it can partially dissolve. It can open up doors to deeper friendship. . . I've found it best to say it indirectly like "sometimes I wonder what it would be like to date", rather than "I feel so much sexual energy for you that I often fantasize about us having sex". . . A subtle, indirect statement is more than enough since there is so much leverage with sexuality. Don't make it a big deal. 

This is something that has helped me with female friends where there is some sexual energy. It may not be helpful for others though. I've had three cases in which this allowed for a better friendship and reduced the sexual energy. Yet I've also had one case in which once I became unavailable, she became sexually attracted to me - which complicated things. Every dynamic is different.