Lack Of Things To Talk About

[joseph--]

Does anyone seem to have a lot less things to be able to talk about and things to relate to other people about since doing personal development? since trying to cut out judging, moralizing, gossiping...etc. I know it might be a bit of a sad indictment of myself and friends but still i don't fancy turning to a mute. 

[Mal]

@joseph--

Hi Joseph,

This is normal.  You will adjust the healthier you become.  You will also start to associate with people who are on the same vibration as you, nourishing exchanges instead of the usual self hatred you're now part taking in. 

Yep, judging and gossiping is a form of self hatred, it isn't apparent to most people because they need it to avoid the pain they are experiencing.  

You will start to notice their issues soon if you stay on the path. 

Regards 

Mal

[joseph--]

Thanks mal!  I do feel more uncomfortable around certain people now and drawn to others so maybe my vibration is changing. Seems a shame to feel like this around people you care about and even family though.

[Mal]

@joseph--

Yes it indeed sucks. 

We could go down the whole route of trying to make them see sense (I've done this before and failed miserably!)

It's a difficult ride.  Ultimately we cannot change them, we can only work on ourselves. Check out the "five stages of grief" and hang out here for advice on what to do next with these feelings (if you're not sure). 

The good news is somewhere along the path we will come to understand that they didn't need changing at all. Which is a very empowering position to be in. Freedom from external conditions, for want of a better description.

In the meantime I have found it comforting and useful to frame the situation in the light that this condition is not the whole picture.  I have thrown many a label at others for not living upto my expectations, but the label for the thing is not the thing itself.  It's not all of the authentic person.  Collectively we haven't been taught or encouraged to feel our feelings and deal with them properly.  All people are capable of self actualizing, it's just some are further down that path than others. 

Edited June 1, 2016 by Mal

[LinLin]

I understand your struggle Joseph. I am also doing my best to stop gossiping, judging and overall pouring out negative comments. I don't always succeed of course... But when it comes to gossiping, my God, it seems as if some people thrive and live off it!!! There are a few people at work who I avoid being alone with because that is the only thing they ever do, being negative and talking shit about other people. If we are several persons then I just don't respond to those types of comments/topics, but if you are alone with someone it sure gets harder.

I am trying to change to a similar subject as if my thoughts just went in that direction, or to give neutral comments back or ask questions. The asking questions part can be quite interesting. I have realized how much everybody loves to talk about themselves, usually we answer somebody by relating to a similar experience we have had ourselves. If somebody is passing a judgement then maybe try to ask "What would you suggest instead of X?/ How would you have tackled XX??/ Why to you believe X to be this or that?" But ask in a curious and open manner so that the person doesn't feel that their opinion is being questioned.

Another "method" I try to use is confirming their feelings, NOT the opinion. In the beginning I tried to kind of defend the person who was target of the gossip, but that rarely helps. So if someone says "He/She is such an idiot for doing this and that!" then try to answer "Oooh, that must have been difficult/stressing/whatever for you." I think people are mostly seeking confirmations about their feelings when it comes to negativity and judgments. 

Another struggle is when someone is coming to speak to and trying to get you to talk down on someone. Then I'm usually a tightlip who says nothing and "knows" nothing about the person in question. I still haven't found any good method to handle this type of situations, but maybe some other people here have good advice :-)