Confusion in Trusting the Universe

[nexusoflife]

Hello. I need some help as I currently find myself in a confusing place. For my entire life I have been living within the realm of the mind. I have been completely unaware of my power as in infinite creator on this Earth. And now that I have come into understanding of this power in the past year and more so in the last two months I find myself at a point of transformation and transition. You see a few months ago I quit my job. This was one of the best decisions that I could have made for myself, mentally, physically and spiritually. It was an OK job by society’s standards but it heavily damaged my soul and for the three years I worked there my life was in a very dark place. I have enjoyed the past few months and they have been the best time of my life so far. I have grown immensely in a short time. However my monetary funds are beginning to lessen and this has created an anxiety in me.

My true passion in life is the study of spirituality, ecology and human development and I am writing a book on the subject of Ecopsychology. However this is a huge endeavor and while I have made great progress on the book every cell in my body feels called to place all of my energy towards the completion and publication of my book. However when I look at my external reality I do indeed feel an air of anxiety when it comes to how I will do this. Every cell in my body is telling me to not go back to getting a traditional job. And yet over the last month there is one job offer that is continually appearing in my life and I have no desire to accept this job. I do wonder if this job offer continually appearing in my experience is a test of faith and or an external manifestation of my fear. Whenever I think of working this job I do not see light in my minds eye, only darkness and subsequent pain. I guess what I am trying to ask is, how do I know if something is truly for me or not for me if it keeps appearing in my life?

I am very keen on making good decisions and am quite a decisive person so this level of confusion within me is unsettling. I am going to meditate on this as I have a feeling that my intuition is telling me to not regress back into old fear based ways of thinking and perceiving reality and thus that it would be in my best interest to follow the path I feel guided towards even though I cannot see the steps. I have never had this much faith before, this is new alien territory for me but I know that I cannot go back. Again the thing I am struggling with is the discerning whether the reoccurring job offer is a temptation, a test of faith to see if I will fall back to my old ways or if I will truly transcend my fears and go towards a new version of myself and access a new level of my life? All I know for certain right now is that I have to trust the process 100% even though I cannot see ahead and have a knowing that the universe has my best interests at hand and truly does want the best for my unfolding life in this realm.

[ivory]

For what it's worth, you remind me of myself 8 years ago. Basically what I learned is this. Be responsible and take calculated risks.