Radically honest post

[Michael Paul]

I’ve struggled with spirituality for my entire life. Even to this day I still have trouble grasping certain ideas and dealing with the ego’s fears surrounding my true divine nature. I feel a lot of pain, depression, and shame for certain actions I’ve done in the past, and I want to do better in the future. I don’t want my life to veer off into a negative direction where I’m chasing unhealthy pleasure to avoid pain and suffering, yet I find myself engaging in activities that I don’t think are good for me. Some of which include pornography and sex. 

I guess I just want to say that I’m not perfect but I want to do better.

[silene]

your honesty is refreshing @Michael Paul , aren't we all here imperfect and trying to do our best. The support of a good spiritual community like this one is a great help too. We know we should avoid certain habits but at the same time are drawn like moths to a flame. Just keep watching the push and pull of desires and aversions, there's wisdom in humbly observing all of this. 

Can you not find forgiveness and letting-go of your past errors? Your guilt could be dragging you down and wasting precious energy. 

I agree that porn is bad, but why don't you approve of sex in general? 

Edited November 15, 2019 by silene

[Michael Paul]

@silene I’ve felt more able to forgive myself at different times in my life than this time period, and I’m not exactly sure why. It’s something I need to work on.

And I’m not against sex per se, but a certain kind of unhealthy attachment, addiction and lustful pursuit of it. 

[silene]

Ah, yes that makes sense. I understand. Also, I have other people in my past life who I can't forgive for their treatment of me, eg my step-father. I have tried, but in the process have discovered that emotional pain is hard to let go of, it's counter-intuitive. 

[VeganAwake]

58 minutes ago, Michael Paul said:

I’ve struggled with spirituality for my entire life. Even to this day I still have trouble grasping certain ideas and dealing with the ego’s fears surrounding my true divine nature. I feel a lot of pain, depression, and shame for certain actions I’ve done in the past, and I want to do better in the future. I don’t want my life to veer off into a negative direction where I’m chasing unhealthy pleasure to avoid pain and suffering, yet I find myself engaging in activities that I don’t think are good for me. Some of which include pornography and sex. 

I guess I just want to say that I’m not perfect but I want to do better.

It sounds like you need more self-love/ accepting yourself the Way You Are... positive affirmations are a wonderful tool for this:

"I accept myself exactly the way I am"(100 times a day in a mirror) ❤

"I love myself unconditionally and right now"(100 times a day in the mirror) ❤

"Loving myself makes me feel good"(100 times a day in mirror) ❤

Start off with these and see how you feel within a month....?

Its all love!!