One Foot Out of the Door

[CMacD]

I have an internal struggle, and it was really highlighted watching the "The Dangers of Spiritual Work" last night... basically, I am interested in discovering truth, I've been studying various spiritual perspectives for a few years now, but passively.  I've taken psychedelics, primarily mushrooms quite a bit and received some insights on the trips, but I've also never really pushed the limit into anything beyond still being in this "consensus reality" (the one time I had anything close to an ego loss experience I was much too young [17], inexperienced, and flipped out, and I've never quite had the guts to take a massive dose again). I meditated for 30 minutes a day for a year straight about two years ago and ceasing a year ago, I had a few cool moments but eventually hit a point where I questioned how much of this I was really going to have to do to have any kind of real enlightenment experience, the fact that I can't even prove such a thing is real (or even if it was, it seems impossible for someone better than me at it to really check if I'm doing it right, as they can only observe me from the outside and have no clue if the “right practice” is actually happening on the inside), the fact that I care more about seeing a cool vision of a spirit than I care about being enlightened, etc... I decided to give it up.

 In the last year I've been thinking that although this stuff interests me a lot, I truly want to build a successful egoic life way way way more than I care about discovering truth.. if anything, I naively thought discovering truth would help me build a better material life, but after a while started seeing a lack of any pattern between people claiming to be enlightened and people being really successful in terms of being good at sports, business, art, etc. I still kind of “feel it” in me though, an obsession towards wanting to learn about how reality works, I still want to astral project if such a thing is possible, I still feel an urge to start meditating again, I still love doing mushrooms... but if I had to pick one or the other I care more about being someone my parents are proud of, someone tonnes of women are attracted to, someone everyone is scared to fuck with.. etc... more than I care about self-actualizing. (a big paradox with this as well is that none of these things may be within my ability, any of them can fall apart, but for all I know enlightenment is just some bullshit carrot charlatans dangle in front of my face and it's not possible to attain either) I'm just kind of confused and have one foot in the door, and I don't really know what to do.

I guess I'm just kind of venting, I guess opinions would be appreciated but in the end it's my life & I have trouble trusting that anyone knows what's best, one way or another.

Edited November 16, 2019 by CMacD

[Nahm]

@CMacD You’re stating you want to have it all. 

 

[Forestluv]

9 minutes ago, CMacD said:

 In the last year I've been thinking that although this stuff interests me a lot, I truly want to build a successful egoic life way way way more than I care about discovering truth.. if anything, I naively thought discovering truth would help me build a better material life, but after a while started seeing a lack of any pattern between people claiming to be enlightened and people being really successful in terms of being good at sports, business, art, etc. I still kind of “feel it” in me though, an obsession towards wanting to learn about how reality works, I still want to astral project if such a thing is possible, I still feel an urge to start meditating again, I still love doing mushrooms... but if I had to pick one or the other I care more about being someone my parents are proud of, someone tonnes of women are attracted to, someone everyone is scared to fuck with.. etc... more than I care about self-actualizing. (a big paradox with this as well is that none of these things may be within my ability, any of them can fall apart, but for all I know enlightenment is just some bullshit carrot charlatans dangle in front of my face and it's not possible to attain either) I'm just kind of confused and have one foot in the door, and I don't really know what to do.

This is your unique journey and there is only one person who can take that journey: you. 

It seems like you have a mixture of desires - some at odds with each other. I would get in touch with the source of the desire. What is the essence of that desire? Does it feel genuine and pure? Or does it feel in-genuine and muddy?. . . Yet it can get tricky because the mind has so many conditioned filters. And sometimes it seems best to go counter to desires. . . 

 

 

[Arcangelo]

You seem to be really young. Give it up for a decade or 2. You will come back to it eventually. So why not just keep pushing, for a decade or 2?

2 hours ago, CMacD said:

I meditated for 30 minutes a day for a year straight about two years ago and ceasing a year ago, I had a few cool moments but

This is absolutely incredible and discouraging. The most i have had meditated straight is like 19 days in a row, I had a few cool moments but not cool enough to get hooked on meditation.

3 hours ago, CMacD said:

the fact that I care more about seeing a cool vision of a spirit

This is how i know you are super young, (i was the same) Now is all about the few cool moments.

3 hours ago, CMacD said:

people claiming to be enlightened and people being really successful in terms of being good at sports, business, art,

me too man! those guys are not into sports at all! I want to build muscle and climb mountains man!

 

3 hours ago, CMacD said:

but if I had to pick one or the other I care more about being someone my parents are proud of, someone tonnes of women are attracted to, someone everyone is scared to fuck with.. etc... more than I care about self-actualizing.

Me too man! I care way way way more.

 

3 hours ago, CMacD said:

I still want to astral project if such a thing is possible

It is.

 

[CMacD]

I'm not very young , I've been working at a bit of this stuff for a while, I've also wasted a good deal of time.  a I guess I'm asking if it's dangerous to be partway into this stuff, wanting to sharpen my awareness, have metaphysical experiences, etc. without going to a "point of no return" where I learn something I wish I hadn't... 

I have to admit I'm only halfway though that I'm only part way through "The Dangers of Spiritual Work" but I had already got past the message of where Leo says that if you truly feel you want to just have fun in life instead of pursue awakening, that maybe you should just focus on that and give up searching for the time being, maybe come back to it in a decade or two.

 

[Nahm]

@CMacD In general, if you don’t mind...what is that experience like? What is it like to ‘learn something you wish you hadn’t’?

[CMacD]

I can't say, I haven't learned anything I wish I hadn't, if that's a hint of anything...

Some things aren't known facts even if they are practically a reality. Say I'm an aspiring musician sending demos to record companies' A&R guys... say I get rejected all the time. I could say I've learned my music doesn't cut it, and in that moment I'd wish I'd never learned that.. there could be a chance I know how hard I tried & that there is realistically only so much better if any I could do, only so much more effort I could put into it, so maybe I could say I learned I don't stand a chance.... but that's never really a known fact. Nobody can prove or disprove weather someone stood a chance at something until their life is over and it's totally confirmed they're gone...

Or like, lets say I try to fight a guy at boxing and he beats me up bad... but you never know how it'll go a different time... but say we fight 100 times and he wins 100, it's still not a fact written in stone that it's impossible to beat him, but it... kind of is a reality that I likely won't beat him.

So, if I were to somehow learn for a 100% fact that my chances of being successful at what I want to be successful at were 0, that'd be something I wish I hadn't learned.... but yeah, it's hard to make an actual *FACT* out of that... even though at the end of your life it may be a fact.

However, when I'm speaking of "learning something you wish you hadn't" I guess I also think about some of the deeper stuff Leo says... like realizing that you're actually completely alone... maybe realizing some other reality shattering fact of consciousness that just makes me uncomfortable and sad for the rest of my life for some reason, I don't know. 

I kind of wish I could delete this thread, is that possible/allowed?


 

Edited November 17, 2019 by CMacD

[Forestluv]

24 minutes ago, CMacD said:

I kind of wish I could delete this thread, is that possible/allowed?
 

There is a “hide” option for users. Yet we ask that it be used sparingly. If starting and hiding threads becomes common, things don’t flow so smoothly. 
 

[CMacD]

@CMacD Understood, thanks.

[88888will88888]

Realize truth first, then build your egoic life. If you build egoic life first, you'll suffer more, and your egoic foundation will be maligned. It is possible to build a selfless ego, as a human; but the truth of nonduality must be prioritized and deeply ingrained first.

[CMacD]

I don't know why, I guess I'm scared to try to realize a nondual truth (say from a strong hit of 5-MeO DMT). Something tells me I'm not going to like it... I guess because I don't feel naturally drawn to it I feel kind of like it'll be bad.

I mean, I DO love certain parts of mushroom experiences but it has more to do with just feeling good on them and laughing than anything very serious... mind you there have been insights obtained from the mushroom and even some seeming magickal/psychic phenominon, but that seems kind of separate from nonduality to me.

[MAYA EL]

Sounds like your on the right path