Feelings of sadness when loved

[Guided]

Hello everyone, I came across a peculiar situation today. 

There is a djembe drum circle that I go to every week, and it is a wonderful way to practice mindfulness and 'go back to nature' so to speak. Rhythm heals many wounds I found.

The people that go to these circles are... very loving. 10+ second long hugs worth of loving, if you get me. (I guess you could say 'green', if you want to describe it from a spiral dynamics point of view.) I feel glad to come into contact with this circle of people, as I usually don't come across loving people such as this in my daily university life. I look forward to attending the circle precisely for this reason. 

Yet, at the end of today's session, I noticed an odd feeling - I said goodbye and shaked hands with one of the members I met that day and felt tense, shameful, almost as if there was something more that I should do or say to make the situation comfortable, except having no idea what. It felt awkward.

Following that, another member came to me and whereas I extended my hand to shake his, he instead went on and hugged me in a genuine way. I felt glad! However, at the same time, I felt as if I was in danger and retreat as soon as possible.

After exchanging a brief hug, I started feeling sad and guilty because, the way it seemed to me, even though I wanted to, I wasn't able to return the genuine love he was offering. A thought cropped up saying that "I'm just an emotional vampire" and that "I'm not capable of giving love - just taking it."

Quite unsurprisingly, suffering ensued.

Moments later, I saw a young woman (also a drum circle attendee, who I happen to be considerably attracted to - she has the most wonderful smile) giving a prolonged, loving hug to the drum circle teacher. Seeing that, I felt a profound longing, almost as if feeling homesick after being away for years and years and wanting to return. Feelings of envy cropped up (sadness, weakness, powerlessness). I felt a pressing urge to escape, run away - and having reacted to it, I hastily said goodbye to them and left the building. They were still hugging at that point, and I don't think they noticed me say goodbye. 

This was such a subtle, one could even argue a trivial experience, but by far not the first and only. I feel that it is this mind pattern that causes me to be awkward and shy around people who, well, either show genuine love to me or have the potential to do so. You can imagine what this does to my ability to form not only sexual/romantic partnerships but also friendships.

Whenever I feel loved - I have an obsessive urge to push the person away, and when I try to give/show love, I feel deeply ashamed of it, automatically assuming the other person will not really appreciative of it. 

Push-pull mechanism at it's finest, really.

I theorised briefly when on the way home about why this could be the case, but the bottom line is that giving/receiving of love trigger feelings of pain, usually resulting in the activation of the fight/flight system, leaving me feeling depressed, emotionally cold, worthless and unwanted. 

Does anybody have any thoughts on how to deconstruct this dysfunctional mind pattern and 'regroove' it to something hopefully more healthy and positive? Does anybody have a similar experience? 

I'm looking for brainfood here, really, hopefully to gather some momentum towards positive change.

TL:DR - I feel sad and ashamed of being ungrateful when being loved by other people, and feeling ashamed and apologetic when showing love to others. What do?

Edited November 14, 2019 by Guided

[Nickyy]

@Guided Dont worry too much about it. It's good that all these complex feelings have come up in relation to this. If I were you I would continue to go every week and get into the sprit of things, get hugging and soon you will just feel part of the gang, you will be hugging everyone and you will look back at this post and wonder what all the fuss was about. ?

[Guided]

6 minutes ago, Nickyy said:

@Guided Dont worry too much about it. It's good that all these complex feelings have come up in relation to this. If I were you I would continue to go every week and get into the sprit of things, get hugging and soon you will just feel part of the gang, you will be hugging everyone and you will look back at this post and wonder what all the fuss was about. ?

Hahaha yeah I guess I'm thinking too hard about it, unnecessarily. 

Thanks.

[Fede83]

Pure love ❤️ I love u ❤️

Just let it go really,trust the process and keep love

[ajasatya]

@Guided Interesting. Face your resistance as many times as you can. Eventually you'll figure it out.

THIS is being the real alpha! Facing your inner toxic patterns is something that very few can stomach.

[Guided]

Thank you for the support everyone <3

[Nahm]

@Guided 

Obviously you are the author. Are you telling the story you want? 

“If you are seeing the movie, you are inherently seeing the screen!” - Rupert Spira

If you are feeling sadness, then sorrow...you are feeling Love. 

Love is the creator, the author, of sadness & sorrow. 

 

“First time you feel it, it might make you sad
Next time you feel it it might make you mad
But you'll be glad baby when you've found
That's the power makes the world go 'round” - H.L.