Social catastrophizing - Sometimes HOMICIDAL.

[ZenAlex]

TL;DR - I realise no one on this forum is obligated to respond to me or pay me attention, but if you're going to try and help please take the time to read this full post. If the responses that I get on this forum help me I promise that once my issues are resolved I'll spend more time on the forum trying to help others.

I'll make it as brief as possible.

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My time meditating has lead me to become a lot more self-aware. I've improved my symptoms of depression, anxiety and ADHD, but there's one thing that I'm seriously stuck on, and I believe the best words to describe it are - Social catastrophizing, although it may not be that simple. It may be some form of being neurotic.

The symptoms -

My mind pummels me with social scenarios that turn negative or are awkward sometimes for hours on a daily basis. I have managed to reduce the frequency and severity level of the emotions surrounding them by lowering my default level of mental activity and learning how to let them go, but the disease is still very active with an active mind.

IT IS NOT - Rehashing and reliving old arguments. I know how not to dwell on past things. My mind produces scenarios that HAVEN'T EVEN HAPPENED. At it's worst, I would walk past to men in a truck, and my mind would create a fantasy about me being kidnapped, raped and killed. I would pass a gang, and automatically I would have fantasies about being screwed over or imagining myself killing them.

And it's not even something that relates to what I'm experiencing in the moment, sometimes I'm just sitting there and I imagine myself in front of a hall front of people having to argue - At one point the symptoms were so severe that I would lose myself completely in the thoughts and talk outloud the content in them. The arguments and fights would feel so real. I would not be able to get rest until I had beaten the other characters in my head or resolved the issue.

I'VE LITERALLY HAD 30-60 MINUTE LONG CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF, SITTING ALONE IN A ROOM TALKING OUT LOUD LIKE A MAD MAN. And the weird thing is - I started to wake up from this during my meditation days starting, but the energy that went into creating the internal catastrophes was too great. Noticing what I was doing would only stop it for about 10-20 seconds, but it was like steam that needed to vent, I had no choice but to continue talking to myself. 

Here's the thing - I'm completely and utterly calm and patient with people 99% of the time in real life. I get on with my work colleagues, I see my family, I don't get into arguments with anyone really. I tell everyone I see and meet - "Have a nice day", I can feel empathy, I like animals, I'm a vegan.

What I've done to try and resolve this

•  Becoming more aware of the thoughts, and recognising what's ACTUALLY happening.
• Writing down all the positive social scenarios I get in, reminding my mind of the fact that I can get on completely well with people
• Improving my diet to reduce anxiety levels 
• Almost completely eliminate any use of technology beyond necessary means because it would rev up my ADHD and Anxiety, primarily because of the mental activity level it would inspire.

All this stuff has helped a lot, but the disease in my mind seems to be there. My life quality has definitely improved, but I've noticed these thoughts are the most common thoughts on my mind. The only life I know how to live now to get some happiness is a life of peace and quiet where I get some relief from the thoughts with a more quiet mind.

I believe this issue to be some kind of neurosis because I think the reason I've spent time losing myself in them is my brain trying to resolve something unresolved inside of me, but I don't know what it is.

There must be something lodged deep within my subconscious trying to get me to view others cynically. 

[Nickyy]

@ZenAlex I think you might benefit going to your doctor and getting them to run some tests. You said you're vegan, not that being vegan itself is a bad thing, but you might have developed some deficiency that you don't know about because if some genetics you have. 

Try to rule out anything physical 

[Nahm]

8 hours ago, ZenAlex said:

There must be something lodged deep within my subconscious trying to get me to view others cynically. 

It’s hard to resent people. It’s easy to start writing down what you want, and choosing good feeling thoughts about it. 

“Reducing the thinking” is great. It’s not “total”, because, desire. 

“If the responses that I get on this forum help me I promise that once my issues are resolved I'll spend more time on the forum trying to help others.”

Obviously you already know some things you want. 

Do you see the condition you’re holding / believing?

Drop the condition, and just do that. Give love, and learn as you go. Willingness, humbleness. You’ll experience how it feels good to love, and to do what you want. No need for conditions. 

 

[Surfingthewave]

@ZenAlex I feel for you. 

Try to get to the source of the thinking. Your thoughts are running wild but don't get on the horse, just continue to watch it running wild. 

What I would suggest is massively increase your physical activity. Use your thinking in different ways. Rather than sit and have conservations put it to good use. Art is good for self expression. Do you socialise much? Also have you tried yoga?

As soon as the 30-60 minute conversation starts, you either sit in meditation and observe the conversation (transcend it) or just let go, walk away and do something else. 

You're doing the right things and well done as you're seeing the results from meditation. Perhaps think about trying different meditation techniques like concentration practises, labelling etc. The more you meditate the more you're penetrating through all the layers of conditioning, keep going. 

Edited November 15, 2019 by Surfingthewave

[LeoX8]

@ZenAlex You are doing a great job, just continue what you are already doing. 

Keep questioning these episodes until you get an answer and belive in yourself and in the question itself. I know it is difficult but trust me: the satisfaction and sense of relief that you will get when you find the answer are so HIGH, that it will be TOTALLY WORTH IT!!

If you just want to have positive thoughts realize that those are habits that your mind have developed, and you can change them by pushing yourself into reframing what you are thinking in a positive situation. I know that this sounds hard, but if you put in enough effort things will start to change.

You can do this, I trust you <3

[pink]

On 11/14/2019 at 0:22 AM, ZenAlex said:

that once my issues are resolved

Just sayin, many times this goal alone puts you in a sabotage position with yourself. This is a post for today's share about The dharma of the living being is to render service
either directly or indirectly. Thank you @Leo Gura for choosing the way things are. My feeling is his videos are good guidance.

Edited November 25, 2019 by pink

[Scholar]

I've had similar issues. Power-fantasies and paranoia, it as always roots in fears and loneliness. You would somehow have to increase your level of confidence and feeling of security.

Not sure how I resolved it to be honest, I think it dissolved from my awareness alone. Took some time though, 2-3 years.

 

I kind of miss the rants though I remember I gave epic speeches about all sorts of stuff in my mind. Although to me it was more like an act, a role play almost.

You could try canalizing the urges into something artistic, depending what you like doing. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[ajasatya]

@ZenAlex Just keep going. It will take a few years to unwire.

[bejapuskas]

@ZenAlex  For how long has this been going on with you? 

[kag101]

I think you should take a break from meditation.