Letting go of me

[Surfingthewave]

Moving towards joy

When you begin to move towards light, darkness can be there to remind you of the opposite, the duality. 

I've struggled at times to walk into joy, abundance, and complete acceptance. 

I had an insight of why this must be. Although there is a part if it which is about the personal, and about the path of surrendering to the "what is" rather than "what was/will be" it is also about unravelling conditioning we may have put on ourselves. 

Being hurt by key people in my life at happy times in my life (childhood, university, coming of age, formative years) is part of that conditioning. 

As an artist I can often get blocked by past patterns which can impact how I move towards flow, joy and light but most importantly how I express my creativity. It can also affect how I receive energy, self worthiness, abundance and life's gifts. 

I realise I am here to experience this energy/ vibration and have a lot to be grateful for. It's time to let go of those past patterns. They are just part of the rich tapestry of (my) life. 

When you move into a lighter way of being, the darkness is just a reminder of your progress and how far you've travelled. Don't be fearful of this, welcome it. 

Contemplate what could be stopping you from receiving life's gifts. 

Edited April 20, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Surfingthewave]

3 pals are back: anger fear and sadness 

Triple whammy this week. 

Huge emotional upheaval but that is what is. 

Yoga Nidra session = heart opening and self love

Beautiful session, deep relaxation. 

Message this week = sometimes things are just a bit rubbish. But things change so quickly,  everything is impermanent. 

[Surfingthewave]

The Secret

Do we need any more books, classes, pod casts, self development gurus? We think we do. The mind creates drama to be solved. 

All we need to do is remember we are not our thoughts. 

Move into pain, see it as energy. Allow the energy to pass through. 

I allowed the emotions to pass through. Like friendly reminders of what life is really and truly about. 

The addiction of the mind is it's function. Without thinking, it cannot survive. 

Today during my short 10 minute meditation I was able to access the higher self, the one that knows. The one that knows that we are not our thoughts. That was all it took. After years of practice it took me the same amount of time as making a sandwich. That's the Secret. Right now, you have access to it. This can only be accessed through experience. 

I describe a higher self conceptually, experientially it is like sinking to the bottom of a deep blue ocean. The ocean underneath the tidal wave of Thought. 

To take it a step further, the one that knows, is also the one. The (energy) source. 

I've been caught up recently in the mind. Trying to swim amongst the waves. Come back to source as there are great times ahead. 

 

Edited April 25, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Surfingthewave]

The Consciousness Gap

Ever noticed the more conscious you get the more you are aware of the unconsciousness of others. 

Got into a bit of deep water recently with this. Challenging others can be tricky but if it comes from a place of awareness/love then it is important. 

The ego fall out is interesting. Mainly from others ego but could also be your own. 

If you can see this for what it is, other's ego/ lack of consciousness at play/your own difficulties , it can help with the process. 

If you also do the following:

What buttons were pressed for you during the exchange?

Did you really listen to the others point of view? 

What else might you be dealing with?

Is it coming from a place of love? 

(I also use other resources here such as letting go technique Michael Singer or The Work Byron Katie or Brene  Brown's work vulnerability /shame). 

The mind can play a game of cat and mouse here. See the game for what it is. 

Another distraction from the path of consciousness and a "I'm better than you" egoic state. Remember Oneness. 

The main technique here is surrendering and let events play out. But do apologise if you need to, forgive yourself and if you can, forgive the person. 

Edited April 26, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Raptorsin7]

I'm sat on the bus going to work. I'm frustrated, angry, tired, feeling heaviness, suffering ego backlash, drowning in fear and bugged out. I haven't slept for days am I'm trying to meditate. My meditation practice seems fruitless. Then suddenly there's space, presence. I'm not only aware of being aware of all this intensity but I'm feeling joy. I feel joy because it's no longer me. It's no longer my story. How, dear readers, do I retain this feeling??? 

Hey I was reading your posts and came across this. I think I'm a similar stage in my practice, when I listen to a good teacher I have moments where I think I really get it but then I distract myself and I just kinda go back and forth.

Did you end up resolving this?

I think the solution is just more diligence and practice but maybe i'm wrong

[Surfingthewave]

@Raptorsin7  

Hey, good to hear from you. 

I have more experiences of this space, of presence, these days as I described above. I also continue to have experiences of intense "monkey mind". It's like the Yin - Yang symbol of the Tao - you can't have one without the other. 

It's less about trying to resolve anything and more about keeping up with the practice, as you say diligently. Keep doing it, daily if possible, and the work will guide you. 

Most of my insights occur during meditations/after yoga/in silence. They can also randomly. Insights occur more often, are often deeper as is detachment to experience. Or being with presence.

Other thing I would add is something that helped me recently is realising the deep body/mind unity. Meditation is important but so is movement in the body, and what we put into the body. When I eat/drink rubbish my monkey mind is let loose. How are you examining this in your life.

It sounds like you are making good progress. 

Good luck. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Raptorsin7]

@Surfingthewave Thanks for the response. Nice to hear from you too, I wish we had more genuine seekers on here like you tbh.

On 5/1/2021 at 2:23 AM, Surfingthewave said:

Other thing I would add is something that helped me recently is realising the deep body/mind unity. Meditation is important but so is movement in the body, and what we put into the body. When I eat/drink rubbish my monkey mind is let loose. How are you examining this in your life.

This is probably my biggest road block right now. I have 0 discipline. I eat pretty poorly and the only exercise I get is at work and I spend most of the time sitting there too. 

I've been clinging to past experiences where singular meditation sessions, combined with psychs, just completely altered my personality for the better so I thought I could bypass those aspects and just focus on meditation but I'm starting to realize there needs to be a balance.

From what I understand acceptance and being open is the key. I just re-discovered a bunch of Rupert's videos where he talks about how happiness comes from saying yes to experience as it is right now and it really resonates, I think this is the key.

I think that staying with the experience of being aware, acceptance, saying yes etc (I like to think of these as all pointing to the same experience) over a long period of time without getting distracted is where deep growth comes from. I think it takes time for the body to release it's pent up stuff and if you only spend a few minutes being aware and then go unconscious your body can never give up the tensions that are causing so much distress.

I am a big believer in the power if singular meditation sessions done properly because of what i've experienced on psychs and I've seen how quickly things can change when you go deep enough inside and can stay silent without being distracted.

On 5/1/2021 at 2:23 AM, Surfingthewave said:

It sounds like you are making good progress.

 

Thanks I believe I'm making good progress too. My only concern is just getting stuck here in this endless seeking phase. How many teachers have you heard who were seekers for like 20 years etc. I'm ready to move on from spirituality and just go live life

[Surfingthewave]

@Raptorsin7 Thank you. 

Yes there absolutely needs to be a balance. When I started combining Yoga practices / walking/ changing diet combined with the meditation practices that's when I started seeing real results. Retreats really are the best thing for this, but tricky right now.

I agree about moving towards/saying yes to experience. It can take up so much energy moving away from pain. 

So stop the seeking. The secret is: meditation is reality, rather than just a state we get in to relax. Where we are in our minds when we are in meditation practices (or yoga etc) we are at one with experience. 

I've been experimenting with meditation in real time, off the cushion, in work, talking, listening, eating, etc. You do this more and more and bingo, you're living life right there. It's not just mindfulness it's letting go of the self's projection onto reality. 

Like the Tao Te Ching says - 

Don't live life, let life live you. Stop interfering and watch it all unfold. 

 

 

Edited May 4, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Surfingthewave]

Sinking into Silence 

Why are we so afraid of silence? Listening, sitting, watching, waiting. 

Simplicity, patience and compassion are the three greatest treasures taught by Lao Tzu. How can we bring more of this into our lives.

I struggle with patience and simplicity.  Lao Tzu also states: Simple in thoughts and being - you return to source. Patience with others - you are in accord with the way things are. 

Patience = sitting and allowing. Allowing the what is. 

My other key treasure is to Sink into Silence. Live from here and there is no seeking needed. 

 

Edited May 6, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Surfingthewave]

Yield and Overcome 

When reading the Tao Te Ching, these words seem most impactful, resonated. What does it mean? 

Empty and be full

Have little and gain

Too much risk too short a life and too little risk too few rewards

To be whole is to be flexible 

Being whole - all things will come to you 

I'm on the cusp of a new, more intense awakening. I've had an intense few weeks of emotions mainly anger and sadness brought about by grief.

Access to awareness can strengthen, deepen. It isn't a thought or feeling, it is a Knowing. A Knowing which in essence is Love. 

Where do you find the Knowing? In Silence. The secret is we spend our lives avoiding silence. We create drama, conflict, anything to avoid facing the Truth (in silence).

The Letting Go part is really a Knowing. A recognition rather than a struggle. There really is no struggle. There really is no need for thinking and analysing. 

You don't live your life, life lives you. 

Really and truly contemplate this. 

Life is the dancer and you are the dance. (Tolle) 

When you truly allow this, life can become magical. 

Move with life, and overcome it. 

 

Edited May 10, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Raptorsin7]

Hey what do you think of this inquiry question?

Ask yourself why this moment, this sense of presence, is not heaven. If right here right now is all we ever experience, then you're either experiencing heaven or you are not. And maybe this inquiry can point to what is blocking people from experiencing this moment as heaven.

I haven't tried it yet but it seems promising

[Surfingthewave]

@Raptorsin7

Hey, yes this sounds promising. 

The right now is heaven (although the word heaven has lots of religious connotations). 

Why would we want to avoid heaven? 

Perhaps as humans we want to suffer, to struggle as this is deep within our conditioning. And perhaps,  suffering (avoiding the moment) is a distraction from beauty, from Love. 

If we can see what is really and truly here in this moment. The moment itself is Eternal and infinite. This took me time to realise (I'm quite obsessed by time). My biggest stumbling block was feeling the absence of this (time). Or the beauty of it's true meaning. 

 

Edited May 10, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Surfingthewave]

The Power of Breath - Ease

Yoga Nidra Session - first time I've properly floated away in consciousness, felt a bit like taking psychedelics but sober of course. 

The Power of the breath can never be underestimated. Not only can it ground you, take you out of fight or flight and take you to the depths of silence - it connects you with the present moment: infinity. 

Like consciousness the breath cannot be controlled. The breath can expand and contract and can help you Transcend The Self. 

My monkey mind dissolved into illusion as I became my San Culpa: Ease. 

Ease of breath, Ease of Life, Ease of living,  Ease of awareness. 

Why must we suffer so when infinity is there for us to experience? 

Feel the Ease, Feel the Breath.  

In addition I felt the profound nature of what my hand(s) can create in my art. 

I look forward to creating. 

Edited May 12, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Surfingthewave]

Negative atrophy 

Shinzen Young talks about negative atrophy and how this can sit in the body/mind. 

Overthinking loop, frustration, anger, shame to name a few. 

We can ultimately expand and contract these thoughts and sensations through meditation. We can sense the impermanence that is there, especially when there is silence. Ever focused on the silence of a room? We are longing to find something to grasp onto, any mild sense, thought, feeling.

You don't have to solve anything. It comes back to itself through source Through expansion, through contraction. Ultimately source comes back to itself, that's when you get the flavour of the no self.

Negative atrophy can pass through you. Are you letting it expand or contract ? We like to cling on to it to have something to identify with. Drop it and see what happens. Here's the thing, what about the positive feel.

I know I'm wired in the negative hence my quest for self help. But I'm also a positive thinking self obsessive (or was prior to awakening). 

Had a bit of a realisation around art practice, less ego, more exploration and solid practice is needed. Let go of constant goal setting. Do the work and the work will reward you. 

Edited May 19, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Surfingthewave]

A letter written to Nick Cave on the meaning of grief:

I have experienced the death of my father, my sister, and my first love in the past few years and feel that I have some communication with them, mostly through dreams. They are helping me. Are you and Susie feeling that your son Arthur is with you and communicating in some way?

Cynthia, USA

Dear Cynthia,

This is a very beautiful question and I am grateful that you have asked it. It seems to me, that if we love, we grieve. That’s the deal. That’s the pact. Grief and love are forever intertwined. Grief is the terrible reminder of the depths of our love and, like love, grief is non-negotiable. There is a vastness to grief that overwhelms our minuscule selves. We are tiny, trembling clusters of atoms subsumed within grief’s awesome presence. It occupies the core of our being and extends through our fingers to the limits of the universe. Within that whirling gyre all manner of madnesses exist; ghosts and spirits and dream visitations, and everything else that we, in our anguish, will into existence. These are precious gifts that are as valid and as real as we need them to be. They are the spirit guides that lead us out of the darkness.

I feel the presence of my son, all around, but he may not be there. I hear him talk to me, parent me, guide me, though he may not be there. He visits Susie in her sleep regularly, speaks to her, comforts her, but he may not be there. Dread grief trails bright phantoms in its wake. These spirits are ideas, essentially. They are our stunned imaginations reawakening after the calamity. Like ideas, these spirits speak of possibility. Follow your ideas, because on the other side of the idea is change and growth and redemption. Create your spirits. Call to them. Will them alive. Speak to them. It is their impossible and ghostly hands that draw us back to the world from which we were jettisoned; better now and unimaginably changed.

With love, Nick.

 

[Surfingthewave]

Traumatic grief 

Loosing my close friend several years ago changed me in so many ways. The death was sudden, traumatic and no accident. 

I couldn't deal with it for a couple of years, I was able to cry, but I mainly distracted myself by throwing myself into my work and new marriage. 

It wasn't until early last year at the start of the pandemic when the grief hit me. I was totally floored by it. I suddenly felt the pain of loss I was avoiding. The sadness and pain was unbearable. I had lost a soulmate in some ways, a close friend who was like a brother. 

When someone takes their own life there are so many unanswerable questions. I felt guilty like I should have done more to help him. I felt unbearable pain I had lost such an amazing friend, a person who was a gifted and a beautiful artist. 

I realise these experiences shape us and make us wake up to what we have. I see him sometimes when the light hits the trees in early morning or when I hear a certain song. 

I will always feel love for my friend and felt lucky to have know him. 

I spend quality time with my current friends and family, I keep them close. 

As a society we find it difficult to talk about death and ways to process grief. I needed counselling to deal with my feelings I was avoiding. Essentially they were feelings of sadness, fear and pain. 

As Nick Cave talks about where there is Love there is grief. And yes, I am unimaginably changed. 

Additional note: It's time to take a step back from the forum and focus on exciting times ahead. 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[Surfingthewave]

A New Hope

Yes indeed this is another installment of my Awakening journey. Through Yoga Nidra and meditation practices this past week has brought up another deep layer of identity and psychological "stuff' I have unconsciously been holding on to. 

I am "allowing" the beauty and love into my life. I am allowing creative expression into my life. As I do I am letting go of this huge piece of me which was definitely one of the heavier rocks in my backpack. 

Internalised homophobia - what it exactly (source from Rainbow Project.org):

Denial of your sexual orientation of yourself and others

Feeling you are never good enough

Engaging in obsessive /compulsive thinking

Underachievement or overachievement as a bid for acceptance 

Low self esteem and negative body image 

Being psychologically abused or in an abusive relationship

Shame or depression, anger, anxiety

(there are many more)  

This resonates with me particularly the low self esteem, overachievement and obsessive thinking. 

I was raised in a culture where homosexuality was viewed as wrong. Sad. Illegal. Shameful. Things are changing nowadays but we still have a long way to go. 

What came to the core during my meditation practice was deep shame. 

This together with other trauma, well this letting go stuff goes deep. 

When you "allow" you move towards deep pain and give it loving kindness so it can move through you. Then you can begin to receive what you truly deserve in life, to see the real beauty and love that is there. What is truly there is magical, feels wonderful. 

The shame, sadness, anger are simply body sensations, feelings that can be dissolved, purified into positive sensations. This is a process, and to start the process you have to sit down and face your fears, sober. 

If anyone can relate to the above I send you love. 

Edited June 26, 2021 by Surfingthewave

[SilentTears]

On 4/19/2021 at 7:13 PM, Surfingthewave said:

When you begin to move towards light, darkness can be there to remind you of the opposite, the duality. 

This me right now. 
I’m mostly just feeling and accepting all parts of life. I notice I resist what I don’t like too much. Dude, I always love your journals.

15 minutes ago, Surfingthewave said:

As I do I am letting go of this huge piece of me which was definitely one of the heavier rocks in my backpack

Hope it’s going well! Feel the relief! Dude I wish you the best. Uprooting this stuff is always what our minds try to tend to avoid and I don’t have to tell you that as I can see your aware of it. I’m going through stuff myself and even if the situations aren’t the same I feel you man. ?

[Surfingthewave]

@SilentTears Thanks bro, means a lot. 

Moving into fear is the groundbreaking part of this work. The harder it is, the better the payoff, I've found. I'm starting to feel lighter and moving more with life rather than against it. 

John Lennon once said life happens when you're busy making other plans.  Just don't forget to stop and smell the roses along the way. ? 

[Surfingthewave]

Gratitude 

What are your gifts? What can you give to others and to the world? The power of Knowing (there is only awareness) is a great gift, and how this can enable you to bring more Love into the world.

Being grateful, truly grateful of existence and the gifts this brings can cut through any difficult feelings. 

How do you feel grateful? Look outside of yourself at the beauty of everything. Savour every moment. We don't know when this will be taken away. 

The small self will fight to be listened to, me, me, me, me. The power of this path is the shift of knowing that there really is no me, but the illusion of me enables us to experience the beauty of existence. 

Don't waste this power.

My san culpa this week is I am Love. The small me has been fighting and fighting for attention. Headaches, fatigue, emotions, craving, anger, resentment. It's all there to distract you from the beauty of existence.