I am in hell.

[EvilAngel]

I feel possessed by some entity. I tried to kill myself 10 days ago. I took some pills. I didn't die, but I think my insides are fucked now. There is the most unbearable, sick feeling of dread, terror, sickness and evil in my core. I can smell the evil inside of me. It's putrid. My eyes are going crossed. I'm spitting blood sometimes. 

I've totally ruined everything. Nothing can save me. No prayer or meditation can help me. 

[EvilAngel]

I used to look into people's eyes and see my soul reflected back. Now there's nothing there. 

God help me. 

[Ananta]

12 minutes ago, EvilAngel said:

I feel possessed by some entity. I tried to kill myself 10 days ago. I took some pills. I didn't die, but I think my insides are fucked now. There is the most unbearable, sick feeling of dread, terror, sickness and evil in my core. I can smell the evil inside of me. It's putrid. My eyes are going crossed. I'm spitting blood sometimes. 

I've totally ruined everything. Nothing can save me. No prayer or meditation can help me. 

Not dying from a medication overdose is pretty common actually depending on what you took. It does not mean you are possessed by an entity.

Did you go to the hospital? Have you tried to reach out to a friend or family? 

You are not evil. You are having bad, irrational thoughts. You need to get some help.❤

[Nahm]

@EvilAngel You’re refusing the truth of your awesomeness, and the mind is going to great lengths not to feel love. You’re not “evil”, you’re judging yourself. That’ll never feel good or ‘work out’ because you are one, already whole. You can’t actually judge your self. There’s one. This is why it feels terrible. Because it’s non-sense. 

16 hours ago, EvilAngel said:

There is the most unbearable, sick feeling of dread, terror, sickness and evil in my core

That is a rather perfect description of the experience of insisting you are “evil”, or “bad”, and your true self, your inner being, (FEELING) saying “That’s not true.“ The “core” is Absolute Unconditional Love. That is why your self beliefs feel so relatively terrible - because essentially, your beliefs are perfectly false. 

Keep insisting it’s true, and you keep suffering.

Start letting go, let it out, talk to someone if that helps, and you begin liberating yourself from the suffering. It is likely someone in your upbringing didn’t inspect their own beliefs, and you internalized their behaviors, and defined (created beliefs) yourself. They were never true. 

It’s up to you, and you are fully able to do this. 

I wish you well. ♥️

[Zigzag Idiot]

Over the years I've repeatedly experienced 'being in the desert of darkness and meaninglessness" and it's an awful feeling. Having that thousand yard stare,,,,,, At times I've been bolstered by a macabre saying of Gurdjieffs that he meant as dark humor and who himself admitted he contemplated suicide at a few certain times.

He said - "Hell, its only terrible first few days.

I never know if the antidote will be gritting my teeth and hanging tough or throwing my hands up and saying, "fuck it". If you know what I mean. You're not alone.

Look at these thoughtful responses from others here and take heart. Find the path back to loving yourself and having a feeling of innocence and wishing well for others. A good cry or perhaps radically throwing yourself into a strenuous physical activity have been turning points for me in these periodic states of psychic entropy. Bless you and may light shine on you soon. As @Nahm said, I too wish you well.

 

 

Edited November 14, 2019 by Zigzag Idiot
Added an old movie clip regarding life's ups and downs

[EvilAngel]

Thanks for your replies. I've got my medication sorted and I feel a lot better now. 

Xxx ❤️?

[Ananta]

1 hour ago, EvilAngel said:

Thanks for your replies. I've got my medication sorted and I feel a lot better now. 

Xxx ❤️?

?❤? Awesome! 

[Nahm]

@EvilAngel ????♥️

Meditation daily, for the long term.

?

and for the love of God, and all science of NLP....change the name already. 

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@EvilAngel 

yeah, also prayers like "god save me" or "god help me" are like telling yourself "i'm missing something"

be grateful and say "thank you for everything god", i know it's counterintuitive, but that's what you gotta do

[Nahm]

@28 cm unbuffed ??

”Thank you, and I have no complaints”  - E Tolle 

[Preety_India]

On 11/16/2019 at 11:07 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

@EvilAngel 

yeah, also prayers like "god save me" or "god help me" are like telling yourself "i'm missing something"

be grateful and say "thank you for everything god", i know it's counterintuitive, but that's what you gotta do

That was good

 

 

[28 cm unbuffed]

https://upliftconnect.com/hawaiian-practice-of-forgiveness/

 

[Preety_India]

Just now, 28 cm unbuffed said:

https://upliftconnect.com/hawaiian-practice-of-forgiveness/

 

Thank you