How to have Sociopathic levels of detachment with girls and dating

[mandyjw]

@Preety_India

6 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

 

" To love and be loved." 

That's what we all want from any relationship at all really, whether it's with a cashier, a bird, a stone, the sky or ourselves. There are varying levels and ways in which its appropriate to display and act on that love, sure, but that's what we really want. When we limit ourself to needing and expecting to get all that fulfillment and wonder from one other person, we're bound to be disappointed. 

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

@Preety_India

That's what we all want from any relationship at all really, whether it's with a cashier, a bird, a stone, the sky or ourselves. There are varying levels and ways in which its appropriate to display and act on that love, sure, but that's what we really want. When we limit ourself to needing and expecting to get all that fulfillment and wonder from one other person, we're bound to be disappointed. 

I don't know if I would feel the same way about a cashier or a stone. 

But I will definitely a reasonable level of expectations from a future partner. And I don't consider that as neediness. 

I think wanting to be loved and wanting to love is kinda biological in my opinion. It's just how the brain is wired. 

It's another thing to change this wiring and think in a more consciousness based way. 

[Beginner Mind]

23 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

I know exactly how women work, but that doesn't help. 

I know you must be smart to be a theoretical physicist, but that knowledge doesn't make me smart. I might also know that you must be good at this and that type of mathematics, but that knowledge doesn't make me good at those mathematics. It's all about talents which you are born with. If you don't have it since birth you are fucked for life, no matter how hard you try you wont become a theoretical physicist.

Just guessing here, but, you don't approach many women, do you?  It's really not as impossible as you make it seem.  Maybe you got rejected a few times and so concluded that dating is hopeless for you?  But that's not true.  You probably just aren't applying yourself enough.

[Beginner Mind]

59 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

"Promise me we will always be together”.

Haha.  I used to say shit like this to my girlfriends all the time.  Good times.

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Key Elements said:

I gotta add something to this. Add decades to the relationship/marriage, and it will get "mundane." The question is: will the both of you adjust? There was this newlywed gal in my workplace. She wanted me to describe my marriage. I didn't really want to because I knew she would start saying something that is not really true. It would sound like she's criticizing and judging. I told her that I've been married for years and that's why we're detached. She told me, "my husband and I are not like that. We're attached and having fun." Then, she just walked away. We tried to avoid each other after that.

That's one of the reasons why a lot of relationships run their course and end in divorce. Especially after the seven year itch. 

I know a lot of friends who hit the spot at the 5 year mark.

Romance and love fades. It's pretty natural. Sex becomes a routine. 

But there is something called maturity. And when you have kids, it's important to stay together for the sake of the kids, a commitment the couple should agree to before marriage. 

Because marriage and kids is a lot of work and not child's play. Once you have kids the definition of marriage changes dramatically. 

If that lady decided to walk away, she was just being judgemental. 

I'd be completely fine even in a mundane relationship as long as there is full commitment. I'm very loyal as a person. So I won't find a problem in staying in a relationship despite boredom. 

And I don't see wanting passion in a relationship as a sign of neediness. It's pretty normal to want that. But to discard a relationship for not having the spark is being uncompassionate because that person could be going through a time, it would be selfish of me to only think of my own needs 

My personality is such that I can adjust to anything, if my partner wanted fun and romance, I would switch on to that role and spice up the relationship, if my partner wanted dullness and humdrum because maybe he is too busy for fun, I would keep myself occupied with other stuff so as to not be a thorn to him. 

In essence I'm the worker,the one who  compassionately puts all effort into making things work. In the end I will do everything for me and him only because I love him. I see love as compassion. 

But the worst part that will hurt me in a relationship is not whether it's passionate or mundane but knowing that he is not even giving 3% to the relationship meanwhile I'm giving at least 75% to it . 

That won't fit for me. 

 

[mandyjw]

@Preety_India For sure, knowing what you want in a partner is important. What is love really though? When my husband is absorbed in a video game or whatever else I don't exist in his world. Whether I feel loved or unloved in that moment is completely up to me. Of course if he never ever gave me attention, I'd probably leave out of love for us both. When I'm buying groceries nothing exists in my experience except the cashier and the store. Whether I feel loved or unloved in that moment is up to me and independent of the circumstances. We believe love comes from someone else but how could it really? How could love actually be a biological need and not be neediness but also love? Because love itself must be ever present and unconditional. Hope that makes sense. 

[Nickyy]

42 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

I know exactly how women work, but that doesn't help. 

I know you must be smart to be a theoretical physicist, but that knowledge doesn't make me smart. I might also know that you must be good at this and that type of mathematics, but that knowledge doesn't make me good at those mathematics. It's all about talents which you are born with. If you don't have it since birth you are fucked for life, no matter how hard you try you wont become a theoretical physicist.

1 hour ago, Serotoninluv said:

It doesn’t seem like you’ve had experience with needy/clingy partners. At first it can seem comforting. It can give a person a sense of worth and importance. It can feel good helping another with their issues and meeting their needs.  It can feel good when someone says “I need you and can’t live without you”. Yet then the movie changes into a horror movie. It becomes suffocating. It’ awful and all you want relief. Yet there is no escape. If a person gets too immersed, they become trapped and it becomes difficult to get out. If needy/clingy is mixed with the desire to control/possess, it can get twisted and scary - a bunny in a pot of boiling water kinda stuff. I’ve been in a relationship like this and it’s awful. 

@serotonin  

Everyone should watch the movie fatal attraction lol

------------

What you said about being born with specific talents is not true. You were born with a clean slate and everything that you have become now is just learned behaviour. If it were true that you couldn't be alpha then spirituality wouldn't be true. But it is true because it works for many people and many generations. You have all the courage and love inside you already, you just sabotage it by identifying as something else. Something small and helpless.

Women aren't that interested in your skills. Skills get you the first conversation, five minutes after that they want to connect with the real you. Don't focus on skills, just saying hello is enough. Learn to be yourself is the most important thing.

@Mikael89

Edited November 16, 2019 by Nickyy

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, mandyjw said:

@Preety_India For sure, knowing what you want in a partner is important. What is love really though? When my husband is absorbed in a video game or whatever else I don't exist in his world. Whether I feel loved or unloved in that moment is completely up to me. Of course if he never ever gave me attention, I'd probably leave out of love for us both. When I'm buying groceries nothing exists in my experience except the cashier and the store. Whether I feel loved or unloved in that moment is up to me and independent of the circumstances. We believe love comes from someone else but how could it really? How could love actually be a biological need and not be neediness but also love? Because love itself must be ever present and unconditional. Hope that makes sense. 

Biological need and neediness are two separate things. Biological need is extremely important and should never be ignored because it's primal, whereas neediness could be either due to biological deprivation or simply a psychological deficit/condition. 

Yes love is a need as well as an ever present unconditional spiritual quality. That's why it's complex. 

Love in the basic sense is very biological and in the higher sense reaches a state of exaltation. 

It's both practical and spiritual. However the one way to break this complexity is to use context. 

I cannot give the context of Jesus Christ while speaking of romantic relationships between man and woman. 

Similarly I cannot give the context of romantic love while speaking of connecting with higher consciousness and transcendent love for all sentient beings. 

Each belong where they are. 

A man/woman is a formation of both. 

[Beginner Mind]

7 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Correct. You don't try to fly by flapping with your arms, because you know it wont work.

Haha.  I'm not saying you should approach every girl you see walking down the street.  In fact, you might not have to "approach" at all.  Have you tried joining any spiritual meet-up groups, or other groups that interest you?  In these settings there's a chance you'll just naturally meet someone, without even trying.

[Preety_India]

Just now, Mikael89 said:

Oh boy. No they definitely shouldn't stay together for the sake of the kids. 

For the sake of the kids a dysfunctional relationship should get ended.

If you continue with a dysfunctional relationship it will probably fuck up the kids so as adults they will be damaged when it comes to romantic relationships.

 

I didn't mean to say to stay in a dysfunctional relationship for the sake of the kids. That would have a bad impact on their psychology. 

If you read the whole thing...i meant to say to live even in a mundane relationship for the sake of the kids. I don't see anything wrong with that. 

Relationships often can get mundane and monotonous because the novelty wears off or the romance fades after decades of being together. But to leave the relationship because of this is immature in my opinion. 

Relationship is a struggle just like any other struggle in life like a job or health or anything else. 

To not think about the kids is selfish. A lot of people put themselves before kids and leave the relationship for beautiful romantic experiences or adventures and sacrifice the needs of the kids.

This is what I was talking about. 

[Nickyy]

5 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

You're wrong. Even spirituality disagrees with you. According to spirituality you are born with a karmic load from previous incarnations.

And according to some other spirituality stuff you signed a contract before birth that you will be like this and that and do this and that.

Of course I'm wrong, in order for me to be right you would have to dissolve the self that is sabotaging your life. So it clings to any old bullshit in order to keep itself intact.

Don't worry about bs theories like karma, just look at the ego that is grabbing anything it can to keep you delusional.

That's REAL spirituality.

Once you dissolve that ego then you will see what they mean by "karma".

[Preety_India]

@Mikael89  I think it's normal in my opinion. I don't see it as a trap especially when the beginning years of passion have gone by, I see the fading of romance or spark as normal. 

To each his own.

 

 

 

 

[Beginner Mind]

@Mikael89 Don't give up.  Judging by your username you were born in 1989?  You're still young.  Plenty of time to meet someone.

[Beginner Mind]

@Mikael89 Plenty of time, dude.

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, Mikael89 said:

I know exactly how women work, but that doesn't help. 

This is a block to expansion. Many women on the forum have tried to communicate to men “That’s not quite how women work” and then explain aspects of woman-ness. Many men respond by correcting the woman with their own idea of how women work. This will keep a man locked in their own paradigm. I’m not saying male perspectives lack value, I’m saying female perspectives have value.

If we want to spandex and deepen our understanding of woman-ness, the experiences and perspectives of actual women are important.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Serotoninluv said:

This is a block to expansion. Many women on the forum have tried to tell you “That’s not quite how women work” and then explain to you aspects of woman-ness. You generally respond by correcting her with your own perspective of how women work. This will keep a person locked in their own paradigm. If we want to understand woman-ness, the experiences and perspectives of actual women are important.

It would be a completely different thing if I said I know how women work. Just chuckling inside. 

Seeing it come from a man, I don't know, it feels unsual.... but I would be humbled if a man really knew how women work. Especially if I could agree with him. 

[Nickyy]

9 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

This is a block to expansion. Many women on the forum have tried to tell you “That’s not quite how women work” and then explain to you aspects of woman-ness. You generally respond by correcting her with your own perspective of how women work. This will keep a person locked in their own paradigm. If we want to understand woman-ness, the experiences and perspectives of actual women are important.

I want to add that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.

@Mikael89 this is your blind spot. You think you know and that's what keeps you unhappy and having suicidal thoughts. This is the ego. It's covered in every single decent authentic spirituality book written. Enlightenment is demystified in the 21st century. It couldn't be any easier to understand how transformation works. But you chose to hold onto theories you don't understand, like karma, so that you can maintain the unhappy mind made self which runs your life, thinking, behaviour and makes you unhappy. 

 

[Shaun]

3 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

@mandyjw Go have a relationship with a stone then. A stone is completely un-needy of you, it's fine without you, totally detached and indifferent. Exactly what you love so much.

Quote

Just guessing here, but, you don't approach many women, do you?  It's really not as impossible as you make it seem.  Maybe you got rejected a few times and so concluded that dating is hopeless for you?  But that's not true.  You probably just aren't applying yourself enough.

Correct. You don't try to fly by flapping with your arms, because you know it wont work.

 

I am dead. You are utterly brilliant. I laughed harder than Elon Musk when he did meme review.

Edited November 16, 2019 by Shaun

[Forestluv]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

Seeing it come from a man, I don't know, it feels unsual.... but I would be humbled if a man really knew how women work. Especially if I could agree with him. 

I also find it odd when a man says “I understand how women work”. Especially since they have zero direct experience of being a woman.

This is an exercise I do in one of my classes: I go to the chalkboard and tell the class I will ask them a question and I want them to call out ideas.  I then say “First I’ll ask the males in the class ‘Tell me all the actions you take on a daily basis to protect yourself from sexual harassment and sexual assault”. . . Silence. . . The guys look confused. . . They don’t know if this is a trick question. . . Sometimes I tease them and say “C’mon guys, don’t be shy - let it out”. Nothing. . . . Then I ask the woman the same question and they give rapid fire answers. I’m now writing as fast as I can on the board and can’t keep up with them. 
 

I’d say about 30% of the males have a realization that they know very little about actually living as a woman. Also that they have privilege - they don’t need to worry about protecting themself and they don’t need to be concerned about it. 
I think part of the impact comes because the students are blindsided. I teach science classes and they are not expecting a science teacher to do anything like this. I’m also male, and they are taken off-guard that a male is doing this. If it was a female professor, I think most of the males would dismiss her as “yea, yea. . . another woman trying to tell us about sexual harassment and how hard they have it.”

[Preety_India]

17 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I also find it odd when a man says “I understand how women work”. Especially since they have zero direct experience of being a woman.

This is an exercise I do in one of my classes: I go to the chalkboard and tell the class I will ask them a question and I want them to call out ideas.  I then say “First I’ll as the males in the class ‘Tell me all the actions you take on a daily basis to protect yourself from sexual harassment and sexual assault”. . . Silence. . . The guys look confused. . . They don’t know if this is a trick question. . . Sometimes I tease them and say “C’mon guys, don’t be shy - let it out”. Nothing. . . . Then I ask the woman the same question and they give rapid fire answers. I’m now writing as fast as I can on the board and can’t keep up with them. 
 

I’d say about 30% of the males have a realization that they know very little about actually living as a woman. Also that they have privilege - they don’t need to worry about protecting themself and they don’t need to be concerned about it. 
I think part of the impact comes because the students are blindsided. I teach science classes and they are not expecting a science teacher to do anything like this. I’m also male, and they are taken off-guard that a male is doing this. If it was a female professor, I think most of the males would dismiss her as “yea, yea. . . another woman trying to tell us about sexual harassment and how hard they have it.”

That's awesome. Great job.