Too Many Goals Better Than None?

[Pelin]

June 21st.

just as I was struggling with the notions feeling, thinking, and being aware, I watched Leo's last video on awareness being curative. A week ago maybe I'd watched Mooji's video on playing games and meditating, meeting friends and meditating and since then I've been thinking like how I can manage it. Sometimes I feel like all there is to meditate is awareness. And when I achieve full awareness I can meditate without the limitations of reality. And then... i don't know. I'll have to figure it out by experimenting.

[Pelin]

June 23rd.

towards my goals,

1. Simplicity and minimalism.

no conscious effort for two days but maintaining an almost clutter free living room.

making my bed every morning which reminds me to meditate because somehow the bed became my meditating place.

2. Actualization

I watched "negativity cure" from teal swan and lately I can't help but focus on some words while watching or reading something. Today I focused on "subtle" and "nuance". I feel like most people, especially in self-help community miss the subtle nuances here and there, including me. Some concepts are so subtle you have to experience that concept itself. When you put it into words they are just words.

3. Writing

Not much done related to fiction, but related to my blog my friends were really interested. They suggested some ideas like making it bilingual and about local food. So still thinking about the name but the content is more or less starting to appear in my mind. I'm excited!

[Pelin]

June 25th.

1. Simplicity and minimalism.

I'll go ahead and declutter my pantry today.

2. Self actualization.

Watched one of Leo's videos on planning self-actualization work.

Watched a ted talk which aligned with Leo's view on "always do the more emotionally challenging thing", it's an idea worth implementing. Most of us are not gaining results because we are afraid of the challenge.

Mindfulness meditation for about ten minutes, but really I am trying to apply mindfulness in my daily activities and it is really interesting to do.

3. Writing

Today I've discovered I can maybe mix& match my two passions which are minimalism and cooking. It may be original and very much me.  still discovering content and taking notes but my idea of the blog seems clearer every passing day.

[Pelin]

June 26th.

Today I watched Leo's video on Spiral Dynamics. While I was watching I was like nod, nod, nod. I don't really know where I am, and as Leo suggested some parts of you are in different colors, so I will try to come up with a short bio because all these colors make so much sense regarding my development as a person.

In high school I was very blue. I felt I belonged in the Muslim society and I prayed a lot, made a lot of religious friends and it made sense to me. I was also very nationalistic, I was proud of my national identity. Yes, very blue.

At university, I started to take an interest in anthropology, sociology and environmentalism although I majored in English Language Teaching. I ended up minoring in sociology and being the head of the environmentalists at my university. I dropped my beliefs regarding religion or nationalism, I was just interested in understanding the world and saving it. I was in green, I suppose, you could see me in protests against nuclear power, holding panels on GMOs and protesting against CEOs and big corporates for not caring about their employees and the environment etc. I'm glad I did all of that but I am also glad I passed this stage.

However, I can see that some part of me was an orange and is an orange. I studied a lot in both high school and university. I attended the top tier university in my country and graduated with a high honor roll. And I ended up as the head of the environmentalists, although it was just like someone nominated me and everyone else said Yes. So I had some kind of ambition in me to achieve high. Lately I came back to my university as an instructor, and I had to work hard for it for six years. So, yes, I admit, there is still some orange within me.

Now, what I believe is a part of me is yellow as well. Has always been but never this high. Because I remember the fascination I had in my high school philosophy lessons, feeling the unity of the universe that amazes me, and the need for creativity, inspiration and learning. This part of me refused to grow because as Leo pointed it out, sometimes my open-mindedness made people really angry and I could not resonate with some of the people that I love because of that. They made me feel like I was in the wrong stage, but seeing the video I understand nobody's right or wrong. I have to embrace the yellowness within me so I can transcend my orange and green parts. So happy I've learnt about this.

[Pelin]

29th June.

Yesterday and the day before my energy was so low, I didn't know what I was doing, I had no consciousness whatsoever. I had a bad feeling and I numbed myself through hours of watching romcom series online. 

My husband came early from work yesterday and said he needed to leave for Dubai an hour later. And what happened was he was able to escape from a shooting and a bombing at the airport, which left more than 40 dead and 200 wounded. I was waiting anxiously at home, not knowing what to do. At last he managed to get out of the airport, and I was like feeling relief for him but feeling like sh** for the ones who died. This isn't the first time in Turkey (and the world of course), for a year now, the terrorists are everywhere, and they are fulfilling what the name suggests, they spread terror and fear all along. These people had dreams, they had children, they were children. Now they are nothing. It's hard for me to understand. I don't fear, but I can't understand why so many innocent people have died this past year, the outer war is so much invading my inner peace, even to the state of conquering it. And thinking of my husband, he is one of the survivors this time, he has to live with the trauma now, he is still in shock. The trauma which makes you question the human nature is so strong... And who knows about next time...

[Pelin]

1st July.

I can't believe it's been one month since I started this. Time flies.

First of all, I am successful in abandoning my video games addiction although I sometimes feel an urge to find some way to unconsciously look at the screen. So video games was just the outer layer. In the upcoming days I'll need to peel the inner layers so that I can no longer be a victim of the screen.

Related to self-actualization, every passing day I try to increase my mindfulness. I haven't set up a meditation routine yet, it's like every two days now, but I try to watch myself in everything that I am doing. And I also try to be more mindful of my inner and outer world. Sometimes I am so mindless about my outer world that I forget lights open all day, I put things in the wrong places (such as olive oil in the fridge), I tend to be clumsy because I don't care about the stuff so it impacts the quality of my life for sure. For the next month I also want to practice mindfulness in terms of my outside world.

And I shouldn't forget, I learnt a lot from The Four Agreements this month. I am still struggling with being impeccable with my word, though. Still, it gave me the kind of awareness I need when it comes to talking. 

Related to writing, I started a blog about minimalism and food, and hope to expand it and raise the quality. Right now it's just on test-drive, and soon it'll be public. I am both happy and a little bit insecure about this, but hey, what do I have to lose right? Experience is the biggest teacher anyways.

Wow, I thought I didn't do much but that's a good first month of awareness I suppose

Edited July 1, 2016 by Pelin

[Pelin]

11th July. 

I've been on a vacation for the last week, mostly away from technological distractions, and with my husband and in-laws. It was sometimes stressful, sometimes fun, sometimes peaceful. I don't like to swim unlike the other members of my family, so after a few minutes of swimming I mostly sat on the beach, contemplating. I got to think a lot on mental minimalism and clearing my mind. One thing Kazancakis mentioned in his book "Zorba The Greek" stroke me and made me ponder. He wondered that if we were able to focus on one, only one thing, what kind of miracles we could accomplish. It would be pretty awesome but the hardest thing in the world as well. 

Also noticing the native Aegean people sitting around all day doing nothing made me curious as to their wisdom. My mother-in-law thinks they are wasting their time. She is the person who reads so many self-help books and claims to be your everyday guru but she is soo away from that. Seeing her, I once again realized that speaking to people who you will never get through because of the ego wall is useless. She is, like many others, always in the defensive mode while talking. So tiring to talk to.

I also got the time to observe my feelings a lot. I simply lose myself while in PMS and hurt people. I need to figure out a way to control my feelings, especially at that time of the month when hormones get crazy. But today, for example, I realized I was more able to control them and let my anger go more calmly. More mindfulness necessary.

[Pelin]

Today I attended a morning yoga session and I found out my muscles are so tense I need a lot of work to stretch them. In the meditation after the yoga session, I felt different sensations in my body and although I felt difficulty in concentrating (because I have a slight loss of hearing which made it challenging to hear the teacher, I kept looking around to see if the teacher ended the meditation or not) it was very good towards the end. And I didn't hear the teacher of course, I heard people starting to get up so I opened my eyes. Everyone thought I was sleeping but it felt like a trance to me, it was quite different from what I experienced before.

Another big thing that happened today was I got the nerves to share my blog on my Facebook wall. You know "the likers", they hit the like button on about everything, but still, lots of people "liked" that I was blogging so that was encouraging. I've had a tumblr blog which I occasionally posted on personal stuff for 5 years now, and nearly none of my friends knew about it. But now I feel like it is time to open up because I think I can spread the word on minimalism and the spiritual change that comes with it. And I can pursue my passion in writing without obsessing about fiction. When I delve into fiction, I cannot get out. Maybe it still isn't time I wrote fiction. Still not sure.

[Pelin]

June 25th.

I can see that creating the blog was a very good decision as I can combine all my goals within it actually. Writing really puts things into perspective for me and slowly being part of a community helps me grow.

I watched quite an interesting video today on goal-setting. There really is a dark side of goal setting and this video gave me so much insight related to self-image, self-rejection and acceptance. Probably need to watch it again, take notes and question my goals. What desire lies at the very core of them? Worth considering.

 

[Pelin]

July 31st. 
It's been two months since I started looking inwards seriously.
Let me review what has changed:

• 1. Simplicity & minimalism

(Why? Because I do not want to get distracted by the stuff that I own, I want to minimize the damage on Earth that I am contributing by buying mindlessly, I do not want to create stress at home, I want my home to be more peaceful.)
I've decluttered a lot, and my home is more much organized.
Other than grocery, I shopped for these:
Pens: my guilty pleasure. I bought some calligraphy pens and it's been really nice using them.
Craft supplies: So many crafts better than none? I bought felt, cross stitch supplies, and hot glue gun for my hama bead crafts. I seriously need to stop multitasking and give my energy to one craft, if ever, and excel that one. Me and my curiosity.

• 2. Self-actualization.

(Why? I want to be more mindful and selfless, I want to find and maintain my life purpose to live a meaningful life.)

I've read very basic books like the four agreements and the five love languages. Borrowed Maslow's Toward a Psychology of Being, it's on my reading list. Watched a lot of videos and practicing mindfulness.
The videos that affected me the most are:
One simple rule for acing life: this is so powerful. I even practiced it today. I decided to go to a 6 p.m. outdoors yoga class, and I was telling myself that I was too tired, too out of focus to do yoga today. And the emotionally challenging thing to do was get my a** there. I did it and I am so thankful I did. It's the first time I did yoga outdoors and it was awesome. You can breathe and stretch much more easily.
I was just trying to remember the name of the video and when I found it, this was the first comment:

Love you, Leo.
 

Awareness alone is curative: I like it so much I want to write it on the walls. 

• 3. Writing.

(Why? I want to share with the world, I want to inspire and get inspired by the others. I couldn't decide I will do it in fiction or non-fiction, though. So will try both ways and see for the time being.)
It's been the best times in my life regarding my writing. I am engaged in both my blog and my creative writing process.

Wow, I was actually a little pessimistic about my inner journey, because I know it is well below my potential. But this much is really good for me, I want to pat myself on the shoulder! 

Edited August 1, 2016 by Pelin
typos

[Pelin]

Big changes coming up.

And I am not sure what to do.

My husband got a job offer from abroad that will make him earn a hell lot of money, plus better working hours and nicer workplace for the next three years. We decided to decline it because I didn't want us to live apart, and I didn't want to lose my job by going there. What would I be, a housewife? I told myself.

But today, the company made me a job offer as well. Given I am a teacher, not my proffession of course. They offered me an office job that will pay nearly three times my salary (or 4? My maths is terrible). Now I am at a crossroads. So I've decided to write down pros and cons: 

If I decide to go,

- I will have to change my career towards unknown. I will quit teaching which I worked so hard to get to where I am (I am an instructor of English at the best uni. in my country). I will probably not return teaching because practically I will have resigned from the one of  the best private uni. to apply for the best public, and that one for an unknown job. So when I return none of them will accept me again, and the other universities are really terrible here, I wouldn't go near them.

- I will leave family behind, who do not do very well health-wise

- Never been very outgoing, so I'll miss friends but not that much

- Will have to sell house and car and all those things. Yeah major life change.

but also,

- I love travelling and this will give me the oppurtunity to live abroad. With the money I will travel more, so many things to discover!

- Will start my life over and all the excitement that comes with it. A blank page really

- My husband will finally be happy about his job, he is great at it but he is always underpaid in our country, which gets him a lot.

- I will be in a less stressful job. If you are a teacher your occupation really occupies you. You think abıut the students and their well-being 24/7. At exam periods you don't have time to even cook and eat proper dinners. My new job, which is probably human resources, will be less challenging, at least I will have my evenings to myself.

- At the end of three years, if I find this office work is not my thing at all, and if I ever have the guts to pursue my passion in baking or whatever, I can start my own business. If I stay, with the money I earn, it is not nearly possible to start a business. Now  they say money doesn't bring you happiness. They bring all these opportunities. Go figure.

- Over four years my husband and I did not get time to get together sometimes because he has to travel for his job, or sometimes works till midnight. If we accept this, we'll go to work together and we'll spend more quality time together. I really enjoy his company and sick of being apart for a long time.

- Besides all, Turkey is in such a state right now that I wouldn't be surprised if it turns into Syria in a few years  This might be our last ticket out of this madness.

 

All in all it comes down to life purpose, wish I had done Leo's course now

 I am really not sure if teaching is my life purpose. Well I love it sometimes but it mostly depends on the audience. With a bad class I hate teaching, even when I turn it around at the end of the semester. And sometimes I feel that being the boss, being the authority is not me at all.

Other times I get thrilled by a writing or something my students say. They can be very inspiring. Is money worth leaving my job and my country that I call home for all my life?

Everyone who I told has a biased opinion about it, but mum made the highlight of the day:

It's better to regret what you've done than what you haven't, she said.

Even writing about it took the stress away a bit, thank you journal.

[Pelin]

Aand. While I was scrolling up Leo's comment on "doing the emotionally difficult thing to do" stroke me. We all know conformity is not at all challenging.

[Pelin]

A lot of things have been happening in my life, but regardless, I have been making a lot of progress regarding my goals. I guess I am internalizing them and starting to see the real value.

1. Simplicity and minimalism.

Minimalism is starting to affect my whole life, not just stuff. Recently I've been contemplating a lot on slowness, stillness, and minimalism of thoughts and actions. The mindfulness that comes with it... Ohhh... 

2. Self actualization.

That same mindfulness is starting to affect everything. I see everything with a new light now. I am learning to judge less.

Even judging the judgers less, that is more difficult.

Trying to understand my hormones and emotions.

Fear, especially. I am still trying to understand fear.

3. Writing

My baby blog, the minimalist journal, is slowly and steadily gaining more audience day by day. I also started to contribute to a site called www.bayart.org, which is a collective blog on mindfulness and meditation. I love the sense of community there and it affected my blog traffic positively as well.

I also found a community of creative writers on Facebook called Ninja Writers, and the encouragement there has really helped me sit down and continue my novel. I still don't know how I will bring it all together, but the fact that I am writing again makes me feel fulfilled.

 

After three months of a goal setting process, now I see that my goals are pretty much interrelated. My search for minimalism led to mindfulness and soulsearching, and that led me to my passion for writing. Very neat!

[Pelin]

September 27th.

The month September passed very quickly, I was mostly at home or at my mother-in-law's due to her operation. I got interested in handwriting and ended up buying 2 fountain pens. And my father-in-law gave me two of his so I began accumulating ink and all. I don't know if this curiosity towards everything is good or am I just distracting myself from the real deal. However, I really like the mindful practice of writing with a fountain pen.

As for my goals, I actually made a list for myself to stay on top of them before 2017. Here it goes:

I wonder if I ever will finish all of these. But hey, maybe not finishing will show me that I shouldn't set too many goals in the first place. We'll see.