Too Many Goals Better Than None?

[Pelin]

This morning I had no intention of keeping a journal. One about self-actualization, no idea. 

Yet, I am here starting this journal, and hoping it goes well.

I am a teacher and in my new school my schedule changes each semester, I can't help it. This semester I am teaching four hours every afternoon, from 12:30 to 16:30. That messed me up pretty badly. Before this job I used to have a more or less 9 to 5 schedule, which at least didn't allow me any chance to change my sleeping and eating habit. Now I find myself sleeping from 12 am to 9 am every day, at my best till 8 am. I wake up totally unrested, play some video games during breakfast, take a shower and then leave home at around 11:30. The lunch which I used to have around 12 is lost now, and I substitute it with nuts and yogurt sometimes. When I get home at around 5, I am totally exhausted, still motivated to cook some quality dinner. This is my favorite time of the day, making and having dinner with my husband. Yet sometimes I am so full that I can't find the energy to tidy and clean the kitchen after myself. Here goes my day.

On Sunday while I was watching some video on Minimalism (that's one of my goals for a year now), Youtube presented me Leo's video on mental minimalism. That's when everything started basically, while I was ironing-watching people's videos on minimalist bedrooms. Sure I've had my share on self-improvement-related books and people, but I found Leo's voice and attitude really powerful. And I do believe I can myself and therefore my world. That change begins now, 22:21 local time.

31/05/16

This morning I had the alarm set at 8 o'clock. After countless snoozes, I woke up at 9. My sister is staying over for a week, so before she woke up I baked some bread rolls for us. After breakfast, I played some games on tablet and then took a shower. Before I knew it, it was time to go to work. It's the finals week, so less work for me, more work for the kiddos. After work, I met up with my sister and an old friend, we spent 2-3 hours chatting and lying on the grass. 

When I got home, after dinner I remembered I came across Leo's video on Sunday and digged up the forums. I realized I have some goals but they are quite vague..  I also realized that I didn't spend any of my energy towards my goals. Maybe they are too material, but I believe they will make a difference in my life.

First, I would like to abandon my only addiction, video games. If I weren't playing video games, I would read the books that are piling up on my to-read list.

If I read more, I would be more motivated to write, which makes me closer to my life-long dream, writing books that people fall in love with.

And starting from last year, I want to make more effort on buying less and living with less. I really care about this and I will continue to make an effort to simplify my surroundings.

So the list of goals:

1- Kick the video games addiction,

2- Read more books (set a number per month/season/year)

3- Write more (set a number of sentences/paragraphs/pages maybe)

4- Live a simpler lifestyle. (set more concrete objectives)

5- have a sleeping and eating pattern that can be applied everyday

Let's see how it goes

 

Edited May 31, 2016 by Pelin

[Pelin]

First day of June. 

Seems like a good day to start my journey of getting to know myself. While yesterday reading books seemed like a good idea to kick my addiction to video games, today  watching Leo's video on dealing with addiction left me with new thoughts. Reading a book instead of playing a game would just be avoiding the void again. Instead I will try to let the void in, and enjoy reading books instead of using it as a means to satisfy my urges. What makes me keep playing anyway? As far as I can remember, I started playing video games at the age of ten with Atari. I usually played with cousins and friends, and my mom would put it away during the school semesters. I would pretty much forget about it, and then when summer comes, I would start to play again for endless hours. Maybe because I was a little bit of an introvert, it was one way to ensure nobody's bothering me to go outside and play. 

Now I can't understand what makes me play these games. Is it the fun, the anticipation of what comes next, or just filling in the void? I went ahead and erased all the games except one, and I will erase it tonight. But again I have done this a number of times. This time I will try to do nothing as Leo suggested, let's see how I will manage that.

Edited June 1, 2016 by Pelin

[Pelin]

June 2nd.

I woke up at 8:30, couldn't do it earlier.. I "did nothing" for abpıt 10 minutes. I'd chosen my room, and maybe because of all the clutter that surrounded me, I couldn't help but think about the stuff in my room. Maybe I should clean /declutter my bedroom or I should go and do nothing in my balcony. That seems like the most serene place at home. 

Though it wasn't quite a success, this is my first time. And I didn't have any cravings for games, that is a good start. I guess I should continue this routine for a week and see the results.

For one of my other goals, writing, I've come to realize that I've chosen a wrong motto and that may be the reason why I wasn't successful in the first place. Write books that "people" fall in love with? Why don't I start from myself but from others? This is something that I haven't realized for years and it is probably the same reason for my creative block. I firstly need to write a piece that I love, no matter what people think of it. I have a fiction story in mind and I need to sit down and write it and love it as my child. That's the first step.

[Pelin]

June 3rd.

Got up at 7:30 and did some job-related work and baked some bread-rolls for breakfast. No TV in the morning helped me get through my paperwork as quickly as possible.

Today I started to translate one of Leo's videos, the one on Karma. I personally don't know much about Karma so I thought it is a good way to start thinking about it. Going over his words again and again kinda engraves them into my brain so I loved this translating job. It is quite exhilarating for me at the moment. I only managed to translate 6 minutes, though.

No video games today either. Never thought about them. 

23:48 now, I've got to go on with this "do nothing" meditation for at least 10 minutes after I finish watching the Karma video. While browsing the forum, I saw people talking about "orange stage" or "yellow stage" and was so curious that I spent a good time researching it. Could've done it tomorrow. If I weren't dependent on others, say, if my husband didn't need to take me to my mother-in-law to take care of her (who is ill and needs me at the moment) early in the morning, I could've organized my time more properly maybe. Anyway, this is my life. I'm grateful to my mother-in-law and I feel it is my duty to take care of her as she's done so many times even when she didn't know me very well. So tomorrow will possibly be full of family obligations and no time for myself.

[Pelin]

June 5th.

Yesterday I was at my in-laws' from 8 am till 11 pm. I basically had no energy left when I got home. In the morning I had an interesting talk with my mother-in-law. She thinks that I'm dwelling into philosophy and I shouldn't. Everyone she knows who thought too much on philosophy lost their minds. ( according to whom?) She thinks I should rather focus on "tasavvuf", which can be translated as sufism/mysticism I guess. Basing the Koran as the ultimate source of knowledge and interpreting life in its light. That's too much for me as there is little questioning in sufism. You have to accept that there is only one truth, when I'm not even ready to even "believe" in something. But actually she made a remarkable point; that there is a distinction between rational thought and wisdom, and I shouldn't dig deep into the former, or else I will lose the latter. Worth thinking about.

I spent today baking, cleaning the house and reading. I started reading "The Four Agreements", which really resonated with me. I also watched Leo's video on "always doing the more emotionally challenging thing" and I think the four agreements are the emotionally challenging thing to do. Well I have the intention.  I'm really happy that I've started on my self-actualization journey, it is challenging but very rewarding.

I think I kinda need to revise/add to my goals at this point:

1- Kick the video games addiction: 4 days clean. Yet I realized I'm spending too much time on Facebook, gotta work on it.

2- Read more books: A book a week is a good idea since I'm not working hard in the summer.

3- Write more: One page a day, let's make it work!

4- Live a simpler lifestyle. Have a neat home by the end of July.

5- Have a sleeping and eating pattern that can be applied everyday: Wake up early. Eat less outside, eat more healthy foods and less meat and grains. Bake the perfect bread and eat it moderately. 

6- Meditate. For the first week, at least 10 min. everyday.

[Pelin]

June 6th. 

I had a very lousy day today. Could've accomplished more, but I wasn't in the mood. I have this week off work, I wonder what I'll make out of it. 

1- Kick the video games addiction:  5 days clean now.

2- Read more books: started "the four agreements" yesterday, I'm on pg. 48 today. 

3- Write more: I'm off to continue writing my story as soon as I finish my journal.

4- Live a simpler lifestyle. I've managed to clean and declutter my kitchen countertops with the help of my sister.

5- Have a sleeping and eating pattern that can be applied everyday: I'm happy today was all vegetarian and homemade food for me. Unfortunately tomorrow will not be so.

6- Meditate. Last night I did guided meditation for nearly 40 minutes. I had a headache during the first ten minutes, which I couldn't understand. It was guided meditation, at times it was helpful, but sometimes I found it distracting. This morning I only meditated for 10 minutes with eyes open, and man, it is hard. But probably more helpful than 40 minutes of guided meditation.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Pelin

[Pelin]

June 7th.

I had a tiring day today, I went shopping downtown and helped my mother-in-law. She's recovering from an unexpected surgery so I feel happy to be there for her. She introduced me to a bag maker so sews bags that you design, and today I received the bag which I designed and she paid for. I feel good about contributing to slow fashion. It is indeed nice to meet the person who sews your bag.

In Four Agreements I'm reading the second agreement, which is "never take anything personally". It is damn hard when your loving husband calls you idiot for leaving the candle burning on the table and let it drop on the table. It took me a minute to clean it, but I still feel angry. I don't know how I can handle it, but I feel hurt and I take it personally somehow.

[Pelin]

June 8th.

Ok. Yesterday I felt really bad about feeling bad. I was really angry and I showed passive aggressive behavior, which is worst I think. And I put the blame on someone else for my feelings, which was worse. But after an hour or so I decided to talk. Well it was half talk and half cry, at least I felt peaceful afterwards. I need to learn to control my feelings.

Today has been a peaceful day, I baked bread and carrot cake, I cooked and cleaned the house. Doesn't sound interesting, but I discovered I really love baking& cooking stuff. It's been like this since my childhood. I used to wait for my parents to leave home so I can experiment with baking on my own. I am in no ways perfect, the stuff I cook & bake are like 70% edible, but I do consider sometimes, should I pursue this as a career path instead of teaching? But I do not trust myself as an entrepreneur so teaching is fine for the moment. I really love teaching so baking can be my side-job in the future perhaps.

And cleaning. Man, my house needed cleaning. Because of changing jobs and adapting to a new job and stuff, I haven't cleaned the house for at least 3 months now. With this week off, my house will appreciate being clean I guess  And with all the clutter I can't focus on meditation (which is a weakness I suppose but it is my reality)

So even achieving a peaceful day and working towards two of my goals, 4 and 5 was good enough success for today.

[Pelin]

June 10th.

Today has been a peaceful day. I watched some of Leo's videos, continued reading the four agreements, and I planted a basil plant and pepper. Gardening is another thing that gives me joy, even the smells of the plants are amazing.

My 11th day in not playing video games, but today I felt the urge to play, yet I didn't listen to it. 

Edited June 11, 2016 by Pelin

[Pelin]

June 11th.

Yesterday I had a stiff neck but it was fine in the afternoon. last night a terrible shoulder and back pain woke me up, I couldn't sleep all night because of the pain. Maybe hours of sitting, writing and watching videos caused it I don't know. I tried to do some yoga poses but they were too painful. 

I meditated for 10 minutes in my balcony, while it was hard to concentrate first with the bees/insects/dogs/birds etc, I felt grateful at some point because I get to live in a house which is so full of nature. I started to be mindful of my environment and I can say, I wasn't 100% there but meditation felt really good today.

I started keeping a bullet journal for my daily tasks and goals. I feel excited about it, I think having a paper-form journal will help me keep track as well as this online journal. 

and no games for 12 days, yay!

[Pelin]

June 12th.

I spent today at a friend's home, not much thinking about self-actualizing, just went with the flow. Felt a bit disturbed about it though. These friends are not my real friends but my husband's, and I don't connect to them on a personal level. Yes, they helped us a lot but I do not know who they really are. But my husband loves them so for now I don't consider cutting them out. So little for today, it was like god created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th.

[Pelin]

June 14th.

Yesterday I couldn't do meditation, I somehow got lost in housework, laundry, dishes etc, and I realized I was too tired for meditation. But still it was a productive day.

As a bonus, as I was invigilating an English proficiency exam, one of the test takers was an old friend who is applying for a phd at my uni. We met for a coffee after the exam and the talk was so satisfying. I reminded myself that I have many friends like this and all I have to do is spend less time with the toxic ones, the ones who always talk about money, shopping, diamond rings and worst, what others do in life. and care about my real friends like the one I ran into yesterday.

This weekend I started to bullet journal to plan my days and so far it's been fun and helping me. I especially want to track what I eat and drink and how much time I medidated so I hope it gets better.

Last week, without working it was so productive for me. This week I hoped not to work but they called in for a meeting so fingers crossed, I hope it won't last very long and I can spare as much time as possible for my inner development this week as well.

[Pelin]

June 15th.

Yesterday I did a 25 minutes meditation which intended to open the third eye, that left me with thoughts and some fears. I think I am not ready for stuff like that, yet.

Yesterday I also met some friends and found myself gossiping. Yikes! What happened to being impeccable with my word? Gossiping really hurt the people, I should never, ever, do it again. 

This week I am working on simplifying my surroundings, and it requires constant work + perseverence. I can do it ! (The picture of the muscular woman appears in my mind). 

Regarding books- I've always been a multiple book reader. Like being a multi-tasker. I guess it's not helping much. I need to let go of the books that I struggle and maybe-or not - turn back later. Instead I just leave it in the middle, start another, just to leave in the middle again. Single tasking and single book reading are the skills I need to acquire if I want to improve more quickly.

[Phrae]

Having goals serves two purposes. To see if you want to them or if you don't want to and the other is to do them. A lot of times I don't want to do something right now. I have a lot of vague goals as well. You can watch Leo's guide on goal setting. It's really resourceful and I recommend having some version of that attitude.

Clarify what you're doing the goal for. Why are you working on this goal rather than the other? Sometimes you'll work on something for a long time. There can be a lot of drama. You're not sure why you're in this anymore. Leo talked about how existential crisis can happen. It's okay for you to stop doing a goal that you had. You probably weren't clear on your reasons in the first place. Every time you stop, you skip, it's because you didn't think it was important. It's like gravity. It had a cause. The ball fell because there was nothing obstructing. Sometimes a goal is very important to you, but you're not conscious of the importance. You're have to clarify why and bring the reasons to your awareness.

I think quitting video games will come more easily to you if you think about what you want to do in your life. I quit in an instant. I was constantly thinking what I'm doing with my life when I was playing video games. It did dawn on me that I have to choose between perfecting my video games or perfecting something in life. I still don't know why I quit. I am looking for something. I'm looking for value. In a sense I didn't start "doing nothing" when I quit. I started doing all of life more. Isn't that another way to put it? When you do nothing aren't you putting more of you into being aware of what's going on. Doing nothing is doing something with emptiness maybe.

Sorry for the long rant. Just sharing what I've been thinking about lately.

[Pelin]

@Phrae I really appreciate you take time and read my -sometimes nonsense- self talk. Thank you

You are so right about goal setting. I haven't seen Leo's video on it, I definitely should. And you are right about setting a reason. Goals that are not mindful tend to get lost in the way. And there are goals that not ourselves, but the society puts upon us, I think we should really take time and ponder these. 

Btw, I can't believe it's been 15 days since I last played ANY video game! It was usually the first thing for me in the morning to open an play a game. And for the last couple of days I didn't even think about writing about it. 

And beyond addiction, I was thinking today, playing games might even be something that the society puts forward. Like in, I'm a teenager girl and I'm a great Diablo player (me 10 years ago) That was like, maybe cool for me to think. Not many girls played video games back then, let alone Diablo. It kinda was a conversation starter with the boys. Even my husband, when we first met, gave me Diablo III as a present. 

1 hour ago, Phrae said:

It did dawn on me that I have to choose between perfecting my video games or perfecting something in life. I still don't know why I quit. I am looking for something. I'm looking for value. In a sense I didn't start "doing nothing" when I quit. I started doing all of life more. Isn't that another way to put it? When you do nothing aren't you putting more of you into being aware of what's going on. Doing nothing is doing something with emptiness maybe.

What Leo suggested was, if you can deal with emptiness you can deal with anything. If you fill the void with something else, then there is the chance you might relapse. 

[Phrae]

@Pelin Hehehehe Diablo :P. It had a very big influence on me as a child. All my uncles played the game and being young I was a complete noob.

Good job on your 15 days .

[Pelin]

Today I did a major paper declutter. I got rid of lots of old bills, worksheets and readings from previous training courses, scrap paper etc. I felt a relief because I'd been putting it off for months. 

I watched three videos of Leo, the one about goal setting was really good. The only principle I am not applying, I see, is to revise it everyday. It is so important. I need to get the courage and work hard for it, I admit that.

Books. Currently reading three books on and off.

1.The four agreements companion book, to get a better understanding of the book, to gain more insights.

 2. Wind-up bird chronicle by Murakami, haven't enjoyed this one as much as the other works of the writer, but will finish it out of respect for his other great books.

3. Zorba by Nikos Kazancakis. So much wisdom in this book, that it is hard to intake all at once. Probably will watch the movie and reread after I finish.

[Pelin]

June 17th.

Such a lazy day! I feel like all day has been in front of a computer.

But still I feel like a change is about to come.

I have some ideas for a blog, not self-actualization related, actually about food and coffee. For this summer, I have decided to build some content around food, my recipes on healthy eating and slow food, and making coffee at home. If I can build passive income related to this it may turn into real biz, who knows?

Apart from that, no readings today, no writing, just some thoughts and research.

[Pelin]

June 18th.

Still too many goals for me, and am I a little bit uncomfortable about it? I guess so.

Maybe I need to define my goals and then some objectives, so I will have big goals but small steps that bring me to my goal.

Let's redefine my goals, again.

1. Simplicity & minimalism

Why? Because I do not want to get distracted by the stuff that I own, I want to minimize the damage on Earth that I am contributing by buying mindlessly, I do not want to create stress at home, I want my home to be more peaceful.

1i. Declutter 1ii. Organize 1iii. A place for everything, everything in its place.

2. Self-actualization.

Why? I want to be more mindful and selfless, I want to find and maintain my life purpose to live a meaningful life.

2i. Read books and watch videos. Write your insights. 2ii. Meditate everyday even if it is short and you cannot find focus.

3.  Writing.

Why? I want to share with the world, I want to inspire and get inspired by the others. I couldn't decide I will do it in fiction or non-fiction, though. So will try both ways and see for the time being.

3i. Read more fiction. Write quotes & scenes that are inspiring. 3ii. Write, doodle, create your story.

3j. Food and healthy eating blog. Think of a name. 3jj. Start writing blog posts as drafts before you are ready to publish your blog. 3jjj. Experiment with new recipes and take notes and experiment again. 

 

[Pelin]

June 20th.

I went out today and bought some hobby-related stuff. What are hobbies anyway? Something to keep you busy? Something to earn money on? Something to produce? For me, it is a way into slow living because I enjoy eating/wearing/using what I make and I want to further my skills on especially baking and sewing. But I sometimes ask myself, is it just better and easier to find the things out there rather than making them? Probably yes, but what did Leo say, always go for the more challenging option. Challenging sure, but also yields a pleasurable result. So this is like my reasoning to go on with my hobbies