WTF I just had the weirdest date EVER

[Lento]

I don't even know if it was a date, you'll know later why.

So, there's this woman, a secretary from the work I left one and a half years ago. Ever since I worked there, I could tell that she'd had a crush on me, and I deserved it because I was the superstar there, I was a super productive workaholic. I didn't really have any feelings towards her at that time. I would treat her with kindness like I would do with any other woman. Anyway, so right after I left that job, she kept contacting me to keep in touch. And then we decided to go every morning and walk together as she was (still is) overweight and I wanted to help her out. We walked for almost a week and she told me all about her past. She's divorced, mother to three girls but has difficulties in being able to contact them, has a painful traumatic past, her husband was physically abusive to her and her children, and she has mother issues (if that's even a thing). However, I stopped talking to her because I sensed that she started making excuses to stop the daily morning walk. I completely cut off texting or calling her, I even deleted her phone number. She contacted me twice after I stopped talking to her and asked me if anything was wrong. I responded kindly with fake answers. And that was that. After that, I went celibate for a year (almost until now), with not really much friends, with the intention of finding "the truth" (done). And the only time she contacted me was the night before Valentine's day (romantic gesture?), she called offering me a new job opportunity elsewhere. I didn't recognise her at first, but then she reminded me and I responded kindly and thanked her and with complete respect, I rejected the job immediately, since I was focused on my goal and I didn't want to distract myself with work or relationships.

Anyway, in April this year I started a new job, and she ended up finding out about it from my brother who replaced me there where she works. She (and actually my former boss and colleagues) would always ask my brother about me and send me greetings, and I wouldn't respond. So, as soon as she knew where I work, she came to visit me. She definitely surprised me, but I didn't really care. I told her that I want to be alone and she hoped that I would come back to normal.

Days go by and she starts texting me again, and I, as usual, compliment and flirt with her, like I would do with any other woman if she's receptive. When I was working with her, I even created a nickname for her and she liked it only from me. On her birthday, I gave her a bracelet as a gift, but so did the other co-workers (different gifts obviously). She also visited me at work once again last week.

Now we're done with the background story, and on to the date:

We decided to meet today at sunset at the same park. We walked a little and talked then sat down on a park bench. We talked about how our past year went and etc... and then we walked again to move our location. We went to an isolated part of the park, and I asked her if it's okay, she said of course. We sat down and the dark started crawling. We talked for almost two hours about all kinds of stuff, BUT, and here's the interesting part, she would talk to me about her boobs (she didn't actually use the word boobs) and about her period. She would tell me that she's done so much ultrasound tests because she's afraid of cancer (she doesn't have any), and that her beasts hurt her all the time and that she gets relieved when she wears her bra, and that she didn't use to wear a bra at home, and that she feels relief if they're squeezed, and so on.. And then she would tell me about her ovaries and stuff and pain related to them, and that eversince she got divorced she developed that pain while not getting into any other relationships whatsoever, I interpreted this as a sign for being horny and wanting to have sex. And here goes the mixed signals that she would send. I do some random thing like crossing my legs and she does the same, I do something else and she doesn't. She confused the hell out of me. I even got a boner and adjusted my penis inside my pants while she was talking about her boobs and how big they are (reminder: she's overweight) and how their weight worsen the pain for her. I mean I shouldn't be such a pervert but come on! This is girl to girl stuff. Why is she telling me that? I thought about making a gesture but I didn't find the mood to be appropriate. We have the typical bumping hands gesture (??) so I did this as much as I could so I can show her that I'm interested in her (not love, just sex, I'm not ready for a relationship yet). We talked about non-duality and philosophy, she doesn't know about nonduality but I used a simplified language to explain it to her. She told me that she doesn't want to get married ever again, and I told her that I will eventually have to get married and she didn't seem upset. She told me that she is afraid of the future, since she does not have a stable job and doesn't have a family to support her. But she still would refuse the idea of marriage. We got cold so we walked again, and I walked her home and she said that we should go out more often and then we parted, and story's over.

Soooo...

Guys: what would you do? Go.

Ladies: WTF is going on FFS?

Is she messing with my head? Is she in love with me? Does she find the warmth that her mother didn't provide only with me? I don't have a clue what she is up to. But I can simply just ignore all that and continue living my life and I don't have a problem with meeting her in a friendly way. I just want more clarity.

Sides notes: I am borderline poor, not Alpha and not Beta. Just a normal dude with a little more than the average consciousness and kind of semi-self-actualized, and with amazing complimenting texting skills as she once told me and as I have been told recently from another girl. I haven't spent a cent on her except for the birthday gift I've given her two years earlier.

Edited November 11, 2019 by Lento

[Lubomir]

@Lento What would I do?

Idk man :D, it seems like she accepted that you don't want to be with her and moved on from it. And that might be the reason why you suddenly feel something for her (you're not sure), or atleast overthinking this whole situation. Because you wasn't expecting this, so you're ego might be little bit hurt by that. That boner tho

For me

[whoareyou]

You are not being sexual at all. In fact, you are wasting a lot of time on useless chatter that usually just friends do. You are also unable to read the non-verbal communication. You probably got friend zoned.

If your goal is to just have sex, there is no need to waste this much time. You also over invested into her emotionally/mentally - you consider her far more important than she actually is to you.

[Lento]

I don't mind her completely out of my life and I don't mind being friends with her if that's what she wants, but I received mixed signals from her and I thought why not have sex if available without much work or trouble?

I mean seriously, why the night before Valentine's day? It would be an extremely rare coincidence if it's so. I mentioned so much details because I wanted you to get a clearer picture, not because I'm overthinking it. I could easily just go on with my life.

2 hours ago, Lubomir said:

@Lento 

it seems like she accepted that you don't want to be with her and moved on from it. And that might be the reason why you suddenly feel something for her (you're not sure), or atleast overthinking this whole situation. Because you wasn't expecting this, so you're ego might be little bit hurt by that.

Then why contact me again multiple times? I completely stopped talking to her, and basically to most people at that time. If she moved on, she'd have just let it go not call and then come to see me at work and telling me that she missed me.

I didn't mention that I used to stare deep into her eyes, I'm not sure why, she's beautiful, and she would laugh and then blush, but now I tried to avoid that strong eye contact, I also am not sure why.

1 hour ago, whoareyou said:

If your goal is to just have sex, there is no need to waste this much time.

How so? What would you do?

And for God's sake, is two hours so much wasted time? The whole thing was two and a half hours.

1 hour ago, whoareyou said:

You also over invested into her emotionally/mentally - you consider her far more important than she actually is to you.

Not true, but please ignore this, and help me get laid ?

Edited November 11, 2019 by Lento

[Lento]

My intuition tells me that she wants me, but that she's afraid probably due to her traumatic past with her husband. And although she seems to want me, she doesn't give much room for me to make my moves, but still she never rejected anything I did. So, maybe she needs more time to adjust? Maybe she's a bit shy?

Edited November 11, 2019 by Lento

[whoareyou]

42 minutes ago, Lento said:

 

And for God's sake, is two hours so much wasted time? The whole thing was two and a half hours.

Not true, but please ignore this, and help me get laid ?

Two hours talking to her platonically and not being sexual is a lot of wasted time.

No, it's not because of her past, it's because of YOU - this is the hard truth. Instead of using excuses, actually start working on  yourself.

[Lento]

44 minutes ago, whoareyou said:

Two hours talking to her platonically and not being sexual is a lot of wasted time.

No, it's not because of her past, it's because of YOU - this is the hard truth. Instead of using excuses, actually start working on  yourself.

I told you, I don't necessarily want to get laid, but I also don't want to miss that opportunity.

Instead of just criticising me, how about offering some practical advice?

Edited November 11, 2019 by Lento

[ADD]

Make the move. It's really as simple as that.

[Gili Trawangan]

You missed an easy opportunity to turn things sexual when she was talking about her boobs.

You even had a boner, if you had been congruent you would have either:

1. playfully told her that she was arousing you. Not in a creepy way, just hold eye contact, tell her and then if you sense too much tension you laugh it off and release it; then you go back to regular conversation, wait a bit and escalate further;

OR

2. In a bolder move, when you get aroused you surprise her and go with your feelings (and boner ) and actually start touching her sexually, or lean into her and whisper something sexual into her ear.

Option 2 may be too much though, and only works in certain situations plus you need to have rock solid confidence, so option 1 was the safest and best way.

It would have demonstrated to her that you see her in a sexual way and are attracted to her, without any kind of neediness. She would immediately start thinking of you in that way as well, and either decide to go with it or reject it. Either way, a win.

[Lento]

@Gili Trawangan

You, sir, are the best! Thank you!

[Lubomir]

@Lento So you're telling us that you don't care, but having sex with her would be good - then you do care

And yes, as @ADD said. You just didn't make that fucking move. When you're doing this and that and expecting her to perfectly reciprociate for every goddam thing you do, then it's not gonna work at all.

Girls don't want things that's obvious obvious. You need to build a tension that is obvious in terms where it will end -> in bed, or somewhere else, haha.

And be careful about options that @Gili Trawangan  suggested. They are great, yes! BUT God pls don't do them step by step, mechanicaly, add something to then in that moment. Also in a situation where you will be next time with her can be something that will not allow/interupt this. Be prepared to make completely your own move.

Just do that move, bruh

 

Also... I'm not very sure, but since her backstory I would expect her to not want just sex....

[Lento]

 

1 hour ago, Lubomir said:

@Lento 

And be careful about options that @Gili Trawangan  suggested. They are great, yes! BUT God pls don't do them step by step, mechanicaly, add something to then in that moment. Also in a situation where you will be next time with her can be something that will not allow/interupt this. Be prepared to make completely your own move.

Of course, and thanks. It's interesting to me that I was stupid enough to not be able to think of that move. It didn't even cross my mind. Guess I'm still warming up ?

1 hour ago, Lubomir said:

@Lento 

Also... I'm not very sure, but since her backstory I would expect her to not want just sex....

Me too. That would be problematic for me at the moment.

[Lento]

Not a single response from the opposite sex.

It must mean something bad ?

[universe]

To add to what good advise you already got here.

First, having 3 children who you are not in contact with and an abusive ex-partner are red flags. Also she seems like she was kind of stalking you? If yes, that would be a huge red flag.

When you are dating be careful about dates who talk a lot about their problems. First of all it means they have a lot of problems, do you really want a relationship with someone who is in a pile of mess? That requires a lot of strength. Im a big advocate for taking time for yourself to work on your problems before commiting to a new relationship. Then also the saying "dont eat where you shit" applies here. Girls are usually not going to be intimate with someone they told all their problems. If you are already in a relationship for a longer time you can become more intimate by sharing your deepest fears and problems. The early stages of a relationship (especially before you had sex) are more playful, fun and romantic.

[Lento]

3 minutes ago, universe said:

First, having 3 children who you are not in contact with and an abusive ex-partner are red flags.

Absolutely. I mentioned earlier that I'm merely interested in sex right now.

4 minutes ago, universe said:

Also she seems like she was kind of stalking you? If yes, that would be a huge red flag.

No, she was/still is attached to me for some reason, but never a stalker.

7 minutes ago, universe said:

When you are dating be careful about dates who talk a lot about their problems. First of all it means they have a lot of problems, do you really want a relationship with someone who is in a pile of mess? That requires a lot of strength. Im a big advocate for taking time for yourself to work on your problems before commiting to a new relationship. Then also the saying "dont eat where you shit" applies here. Girls are usually not going to be intimate with someone they told all their problems. If you are already in a relationship for a longer time you can become more intimate by sharing your deepest fears and problems. The early stages of a relationship (especially before you had sex) are more playful, fun and romantic.

This is good to know. Thanks!

[lostmedstudent]

As a girl... this sounds really weird to me.. either she’s super awkward and doesn’t know how to flirt or you are friend zoned... 

you are right, no one talks a bout boob and ovaries pain to a guy on a date ????

[Lento]

@lostmedstudent

It's really strange! We're texting every now and then, she calls me her "handsome friend" ?

I mean just give it to me straight. Do you want it or not? ?

[assx95]

@Lento

42 minutes ago, Lento said:

It's really strange! We're texting every now and then, she calls me her "handsome friend" ?

I mean just give it to me straight. Do you want it or not? ?

Consider the possibility that she considers you as " Just a friend and nothing more" and says everything she says to keep you around as just that- A platonic friend. 

To see if that is true, you've to make a move. The way she responds will tell you if she actually likes you romantically. If she rejects you or acts flaky or uncertain, then she was seeing you as just a friend, much like most of her girl-friends. 

[Lento]

1 hour ago, assx95 said:

@Lento

Consider the possibility that she considers you as " Just a friend and nothing more" and says everything she says to keep you around as just that- A platonic friend. 

To see if that is true, you've to make a move. The way she responds will tell you if she actually likes you romantically. If she rejects you or acts flaky or uncertain, then she was seeing you as just a friend, much like most of her girl-friends. 

?

[Forestluv]

Hmmm, that is a bit odd. If I went on a "date" with a former co-worker and she started talking about the health of her breasts, it could mean different things. There are other variables involved. If she is talking matter-of-fact about the results of a breast exam, she might just be worried about her condition and wants to share it with a friend. If she is flirting and being playful while she talks about her breasts, she could have sexual undertones. . . I would just get a feel for the situation. If I suspected she was flirting and I was interested in her sexually, I may escalate a bit with a suggestion. . . For example, if she seemed flirty while talking about the health status of her breasts, I could playfully say something like "Perhaps we can play doctor and have an exam". . . Then see how she responds. If she smiles and says "Oooohhh, I like a guy in a lab coat. .  ", then we know there is mutual interest. If she responds by being annoyed, rolls her eyes and changes the topic to the weather - that is a good indicator she was was being sexually suggestive and was just speaking as a friend.