Confessions

[Vytas]

First things first, this will not be a journal, but more like a book of confessions which I am going to update whenever I find time for it or remember something important to mention. 

Why I am doing this? Well, to write something like this, to share my darkest memories I first thought of about a few weeks ago and since then the idea never left the mind. I am currently clogged with all the shitty stuff I have done and so I have this urge to share, but dont feel brave yet to tell it my family/friends. Also, the idea was fueled even more when I found modmyth's journal (even though it is different, the idea is to share important life experience). Of course, to make confessions is way better do it with real people in real life, but because I don't feel ready yet (feels like to much is in me to spill it for friends and shock them), so I will start here. Sharing all the confessions with anonymous people on the internet. 

Time to show my dark side.

[Vytas]

#1 I am a liar

Such a fucking big liar. Why? Because i was and am afraid to confess. Family member or a friend asks me "how are you?" and I answer "i am doing fine". In truth I am doing poorly, very poorly. I am afraid to tell people all the shameful and upsetting things I did or appropriate action that I didn't take. I lie in a few ways. First is I often exaggerate my stories to others to make myself look better (self-worth issues I guess). For example when I run 6 km in 36 minutes I often say i did it in 30 minutes and so on. But apart from these small lies I also lie in a big way for example telling people I am doing great, when in reality dawning in self-created misery.

To tell the truth means to shatter all the projections I have put upfront as myself.

To tell the truth means not only to upset others of how much weak of a person I am in reality, but also to upset myself. I want to be wise, I want to be strong, but... Fuck, its so hard to tell that I am not that hard, that I am not that strong or smart. To say that I am afraid BIG TIME.

I told many lies. I can not say that in the near future it will change. I don't think I am ready to tell the truth to my family or friends. But I will try. I will try to dismantle my fake projection piece by piece. Step by step.

This confession 'journal' is my first step towards exposing the truth and stopping the lies about my 'wonderful' self.

Edited November 10, 2019 by Vytas

[Vytas]

#2 I am scared about my future

On the outside everything looks good. Most of the university course is completed, only the final meters are left. But nobody knows I am actually falling behind. The marks do not show this, because there are no mid-term exams or such, this semester we have a lot of projects to do and submission will happen only in the end of the term.  Because projects are individual, supposed to be done by oneself, neither group mates nor professors know how behind I am. Fuck. The deadlines are coming and I am simply paralyzed by fear, shame, guilt and disbelief in myself. I sometimes wake up and just don't want to get out of bed, future looks bleak. Sometimes I am so paralyzed by my fear that I drop all the responsibilities and indulge myself for straight up 72 hours in a hedonistic lifestyle. Yet nobody knows. My marks look alright and by the story I told my friends and family I am studying consistently. If only that would be true.

Last 4-6 weeks were so scary. I am and was losing joy and drive for life  These negative thoughts about me failing studies were always buzzing in my head. When brushing teeth, when sitting in a bus and so on. I was and still am so scared.

But my fear actually runs deeper. It might seem that I simply need to get strict with myself, stop worrying what could happen and start studying to make best of what is possible to be done. I get that. But I am so scared of the possible upcoming failure because of the past. I wasn't able to force myself to study in the last month and so I lost trust in myself that I can suddenly change and start working hard. I never change.

Well... Actually... Might sound crazy but, as I am writing this I am starting to remember one time. One time I was able to turn my ship around in time and made it. It was my first semester in university and a brutal one. Damn. There is a possibility. Not everything is lost. Maybe there is a capability of strength in me somewhere deep.

Anyways, back to the point I was making - I am scared, I do tremble, the future isn't sunshine and rainbows in terms of my studying trajectory. As of now, failure is the destination. But if I turn the ship around 180 degrees, as I did once in the past... Maybe.

[Vytas]

7 hours ago, modmyth said:

Yea, I also used to have a lot of trouble with saying that "I'm fine" and that I'm doing well, when really, I wasn't. I have gotten much better at not speaking or thinking in this sort of split way anyone; where I think and feel one thing, and then say something else completely. It's a really terrible way to live. Of course you're going to feel terrible.

Yeah, when speaking doesn't match thinking process, internal turmoil is inevitable. This habit of telling everything is fine was building up for quite some time. Stopping it means shattering my fake facade which I made.

 

7 hours ago, modmyth said:

Are you by any chance being pressured to do uni, like you're not sure what to what degree you're doing this for yourself?

In a way, yes I am pressured, it is the step which society expects of you. The question which is raised after school is not whether you are going to university or not, but which degree you are picking up. At the same time it was and still is my decision to study. There are some other reasons why I am not willing to study wholeheartedly. I think I am going to make another post here about those reasons/issues.

 

7 hours ago, modmyth said:

Who do you feel pressured to be? Who do you actually want to be? What are you afraid of happening the most, if you fail? (It's worth exploring all of these questions if you have the time and emotional energy to handle them, or else you'll probably keep coasting and sputtering along, or a catastrophe will force you to examine yourself. It's possible to stop this from happening. )

Thanks for the questions. Just wanted to mention that for the most part, I am pressuring myself to be this way, to do this and that. I have put myself in a place where I am today, no one other did. In answering what I am afraid the most - I fear in case I don't act in a certain way, in case I fail my course, all the family and my friends as well as rest of society will turn their back on me and I will be left alone, doing 8-17h job in some supermarket, scanning items, ashamed of who I become and watching tv after work. That I do not want to happen - that is a scenario I do not wish.

[Vytas]

#3 I am restless and cant focus properly

 

Whenever I try to study, learn or write something that I am suppose to, I get super restless. This weird feeling in my body. At those times I feel like running away. As if jumping off the chair and leaving the room. My chess tightens. My bladder reminds me I need to go to the bathroom. When one is doing something joyfully - going to the bathroom or eating food can be easily forgotten. Well when I try to study the opposite happens. I get enormously irritated, want to go to the bathroom, or stuff myself with food, or simply take a walk. So fkin restless. At those times two things can happen: 1) I do take a walk or distract myself by watching a movie, reading articles and news, reading forums, laying on the bed 2) I force myself to stay on the target (whether be it essay I need to write, or book to study), and after hours of hard work I get a backlash, start to binge on food and internet videos.

This feeling - restlessness. It is wild. Funnily enough I subconsciously create it, not knowing how. Why can I just sit still and in a relaxed way and do the work?

I first started noticing this issue in last few years of high school although I assume it was with me since childhood.

Should I brute force my way to study? Am I just searching for excuses to be lazy. Who knows.

[Vytas]

#4 I am afraid to face life

This ties with all the confessions mentioned above. All the issues are inter-connected. To solve one of them would mean evaporating others as well.

 

So yeah. What happened is I was getting stuck in my bullshit. Problems pilled up and it now feels unbearable. I try to not look at my life by distracting myself with: mainly internet (reddit/youtube/bbcnews), tv series, movies, music, food, porn (in the past) and sometimes video games. I feel like whenever I am having good time with other people, be it helping others with some work, spending time outside or hanging out I don't even think about distractions. Its all smooth. No thoughts about food, video games or pornography. But whenever I get back to my place, where I live alone, where I am suppose to study, do my individual uni projects - everything collapses. 

Here, I thought about something - I will try to spend next 24 hours with 0 distractions, and report back tomorrow around this time how it went. And I will write AAR (after action report). For one I know it wont be sunshine and rainbows. The goal is to face life with no distractions in a healthy way. Not like 'fuck it, brute force my way through'. Anyways, lets go. Btw, by no distractions I mean almost no internet, I will use only when looking for a specific thing; with food - just kill hunger, not to overindulge; already going on a solid no pmo streak, so at least that is covered.

[Vytas]

@modmyth It definitely does. And I change it sometimes. Library is a great space. Nicely put - "going with the grain" environment. However, it is not a quick fix pill for my isolated and distracted life. 

 

24 With No Distractions After Action Report.

What I noticed is when being in uni (basically spend there all day, from morning till late evening) around friends, group-mates I have no thoughts about distraction, basically going with a flow, no need to push myself or anything. There, at those times, work and focus comes easily, as did yesterday. 

What went well? First of all, when faced with a dilemma: to wait 1h with group-mates for the boring lecture or go home. I did stay and it was great idea. Although waiting for 1h as well as boring lecture doesn't sound great, the alternative is going home and spending the evening alone, fighting and forcing myself to study instead of watching internet. I chose to stay and was able during my hour of waiting to do a lot of research work with a help of a friend, and the lecture turned out to be alright. Secondly, in the late evening, once back at home instead of binging on the internet and media, by accident I was saved from terrible day ending. My friends apparently were talking on discord about some nonsense, but I feel like I just needed some sort of conversation, to remind myself I am not isolated. It helped, after the call, I was more psychologically calm and cool. I was able to just do my project work, which I am super behind because of the distracted life during last month and a half.

What could have went better? I feel like I need to find some social evening outlet. If not that random talk on discord I could have surrendered to my compulsions and spent evening on the internet, stuffing myself with food. Other time this might not happen. I need to think of something which would remind me that I am not alone in the world. I live alone in an actual one-room apartment - which I call cave  . It is not bad, and I try to tell myself it is perfect for meditation and actualization work, but that is just lying. I need other people, I am social being. Till today's evening I will try to think of something that could remind me of that. I have a theory that when these psychological needs are met, working or spending free time in a healthy way is much more easier.

Edited November 14, 2019 by Vytas