I want to quit recreational drugs

[Forrest Adkins]

So ive been doing recreational drugs (MDMA, Speed, Cocaine, Ketamine) for about 4 years now strictly when going out on about a monthly basis, so its not really a hardcore addiction for me or interfered with my life. 

After a hard bender and the following depression 4 months ago I said to myself im quitting this bullshit for good right now on the spot.

Since then Ive been documenting how long I was able to stay sober from this and I failed around 6 times. Everytime I wake up and I have to reset my counter I want to kill myself because of the guilt. I make myself feel so bad for slipping up and it doesnt matter how bad I make myself feel because I know I will do it again when the opportunit comes.

I have no problem during the week, its only on the weekend when I sit with friends and have some beers then I want to seek this out and become impulsive. Its at a point where I just want to get my hands on something and then I snort a line or something and I immediately feel bad and I cant even enjoy it. And I know I cant enjoy it and that I will feel like shit for doing it again, but still in the moment my brain rationalizes it with all kind of bullshit and its scary ("Ill just do a little bit", "So what? you want to never go out again now?", "You only live once just have some fun"). 

I really dont know what to do anymore about this. All the stuff I bring stuff home I immediately flush in the toilet, I am having a excel list where I tick off single days to see how long I can not do this.

Does anyone have any other Idea I can do? Something in me just doesnt want me to let this go because of all the fun I had with it.

[OctagonOctopus]

You are trying to unwire but don't have something to rewire into. What is it that you are trying to bring into your life threw quiting these drugs? 
Find out what that is and instead of counting the days focus on that. These are very much habit forming drugs, every weekend be prepared for ego backlash when you don't do them. 

[Forrest Adkins]

@OctagonOctopus I guess its because I am depressed because I want a proper relationship and I feel that is missing in my life so I do these drugs to unwind. But I cant get over my depression and talk to girls when I fuck up my brain with this irresponsible behaviour, its a catch-22. 

Yes its especially on the weekend where I have the urge to go out because I usually feel very lonely during the week and thats when one thing leads to another, I cant lock myself into my house after all.

[OctagonOctopus]

30 minutes ago, Forrest Adkins said:

I guess its because I am depressed because I want a proper relationship and I feel that is missing in my life so I do these drugs to unwind. But I cant get over my depression and talk to girls when I fuck up my brain with this irresponsible behaviour, its a catch-22. 

There is a part of yourself that is being shut out by these drugs, the part of you that wants a healthy relationship, that part of you is in pain and you are covering it up with these drugs it seems. Getting in a relationship will not solve the depression feeling. Realize any relationship you get in now will more then likely end up badly because of this, you need to develop a loving healthy relationship with yourself first. 
I would suggest talking to some kind of therapist if you feel comfortable. 

30 minutes ago, Forrest Adkins said:

Yes its especially on the weekend where I have the urge to go out because I usually feel very lonely during the week and thats when one thing leads to another, I cant lock myself into my house after all.

Yes you could, doesn't mean you would have to forever. You could stay at home for the next few weekends, stay with the feeling that come up. It probably will be diffiicult because this is the pain you have been shutting out of yourself and it has been building up, but all things pass. 

Edited November 10, 2019 by OctagonOctopus

[Forrest Adkins]

52 minutes ago, OctagonOctopus said:

 

Yes you could, doesn't mean you would have to forever. You could stay at home for the next few weekends, stay with the feeling that come up. It probably will be diffiicult because this is the pain you have been shutting out of yourself and it has been building up, but all things pass. 

The thing is that I work a job where I dont talk much with other people, and not socialising on the weekend either doesnt feel healthy to me. Its not really a feeling of pain that comes up but just a "healthy" urge so socialise and unwind a bit I guess - but I tend to go overboard with it. I think Im missing balance because im either alone and depressed during the week or on a all night drug bender in clubs on the weekend, there is not healthy middle ground. Luckily most of my friends dont do drugs and I dont live in a city so there has to be some opportunity for me to do this.

[Inliytened1]

@Forrest Adkins i know this feeling exactly.  It is like a tug of war between two parts of yourself and it is pure suffering.  Ultimately you will need to reach a point where the negative ramifications of your drug use will become so strong within you that the side of you that wishes to align with Truth and purify your defilements will win out.  The devilry side will merge into this and fade but it will not die easily.   That is purification.  Good luck my friend.  

Tools for this are to become content in just Being.  Go meta and realize that materials and substances are hollow and imaginary.  They are providing an illusion of happiness when in fact it is just an illusion.  They aren't even real.    You can be happy just Being.  This is easier said than done.  I still struggle with this even though i am conscious that it isn't real.   

Become conscious of triggers. Realize when triggers arise and trigger your desire for this hollow egoic stuff and try to go meta and let the good side of you talk yourself out of it.   Look at long term rather than the short term hollow high drugs would provide.  Keep drilling this into your mind.   Keep yourself away from potential triggers. 

Perhaps find friends that stay sober.

Also it does get easier the longer you can go without substances.  Cravings diminish.

Good luck again.

 

[Nickyy]

15 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

@Forrest Adkins

Tools for this are to become content in just Being.  Go meta and realize that materials and substances are hollow and imaginary.  They are providing an illusion of happiness when in fact it is just an illusion.  They aren't even real.    You can be happy just Being.  This is easier said than done.  I still struggle with this even though i am conscious that it isn't real.   Become conscious of triggers. Realize when triggers arise and trigger your desire for this hollow egoic stuff and try to go meta and let the good side of you talk yourself out of it.   

Yeah, the more times you can crack the present moment it weakens the addiction . Things become way less important. But like you say, you got to keep drilling at it from the state of being until one day you wake up one morning and it's gone 

[Forrest Adkins]

20 minutes ago, Inliytened1 said:

@Forrest Adkins i know this feeling exactly.  It is like a tug of war between two parts of yourself and it is pure suffering.  Ultimately you will need to reach a point where the negative ramifications of your drug use will become so strong within you that the side of you that wishes to align with Truth and purify your defilements will win out.  The devilry side will merge into this and fade but it will not die easily.   That is purification.  Good luck my friend.  

Tools for this are to become content in just Being.  Go meta and realize that materials and substances are hollow and imaginary.  They are providing an illusion of happiness when in fact it is just an illusion.  They aren't even real.    You can be happy just Being.  This is easier said than done.  I still struggle with this even though i am conscious that it isn't real.   

Become conscious of triggers. Realize when triggers arise and trigger your desire for this hollow egoic stuff and try to go meta and let the good side of you talk yourself out of it.   Look at long term rather than the short term hollow high drugs would provide.  Keep drilling this into your mind.   Keep yourself away from potential triggers. 

Perhaps find friends that stay sober.

Also it does get easier the longer you can go without substances.  Cravings diminish.

Good luck again.

 

Thanks for your reply the "tug of war" metaphor is very true. Luckily the breaking point for me definitely happened 4 months ago when I said Ill quit and it stuck in my mind for good but yeah I should have expected that you cant just quit this with a clear cut when this was how I defined a fun night out for 4 years. I have it really under control and no cravings normally but then I drink 1-2 beers and its weekend and thats when I easily get triggered. I drill it into my head every time I "relapse" and make myself feel like shit and nowadays its not even the hangover that makes me depressed but its the guilt and fear of not having control over this. 

I mean I did a small line of coke some weeks ago when somebody offered it to me, I didnt even feel much and went home after that immeditately. I know that this probably did zero to no damage to me physically or psychologically but I still beat myself up bad over it for a week, and thats how it is nowadays for me.

Edited November 10, 2019 by Forrest Adkins

[OctagonOctopus]

2 hours ago, Forrest Adkins said:

The thing is that I work a job where I dont talk much with other people, and not socialising on the weekend either doesnt feel healthy to me. Its not really a feeling of pain that comes up but just a "healthy" urge so socialise and unwind a bit I guess - but I tend to go overboard with it. I think Im missing balance because im either alone and depressed during the week or on a all night drug bender in clubs on the weekend, there is not healthy middle ground. Luckily most of my friends dont do drugs and I dont live in a city so there has to be some opportunity for me to do this.

I understand, the strive for connection is a strong one. When you are alone, observer the feeling of being depressed, see that it is a feeling. Start a conversation with the depressed feeling, ask it questions, really get to know it, give it the connection it desires. Also contemplate about what a balenced life is for you, really flesh it out the deeper you go into this the deeper your mind will understand why it wants to quit these drugs, thus the easier it will be to mindfully let go of the desire to do them. 
 

I know this is harder to do with alcohol in you, but when you are out socializing try you best to remain mindful and pace yourself. Keep reminding yourself that you want to find balance in your life.

Don't drill your head when you relapes, accept what happended, observe what feelings and thoughts come up and be with them for a bit. 

[Nak Khid]

2 hours ago, Forrest Adkins said:

Thanks for your reply the "tug of war" metaphor is very true. Luckily the breaking point for me definitely happened 4 months ago when I said Ill quit and it stuck in my mind for good but yeah I should have expected that you cant just quit this with a clear cut when this was how I defined a fun night out for 4 years. I have it really under control and no cravings normally but then I drink 1-2 beers and its weekend and thats when I easily get triggered. I drill it into my head every time I "relapse" and make myself feel like shit and nowadays its not even the hangover that makes me depressed but its the guilt and fear of not having control over this. 

I mean I did a small line of coke some weeks ago when somebody offered it to me, I didnt even feel much and went home after that immeditately. I know that this probably did zero to no damage to me physically or psychologically but I still beat myself up bad over it for a week, and thats how it is nowadays for me.

-- you need to be away from people and places where these things are linked and find new places and people where these things aren't
--and take up a creative activity if you haven't already, making art, music or writing perhaps. etc etc These types of activities can replace some of this

[Arcangelo]

Hi Forrest! My name is Arcangelo and i am an alcoholic, I have been sober for 8 years!

It is possible to quit stuff, i quit porn, coffee, alcohol and TV.

I think you need to include alcohol in your list of recreational drugs if you truly wanna get better.

4 hours ago, OctagonOctopus said:

I cant lock myself into my house after all.

This is how i quit alcohol, I already knew i had a problem and i already knew that i wanted to quit. I got sick from tonsillitis, this sickness locked me in the house, i told myself that this was the perfect opportunity to quit, since i couldn't drink even if i wanted to. 

I quit successfully.  For years when i went to the supermarket my mind will  come up with the idea of buying a beer, but i never did.

Now it doesn't even cross my mind.

You can do it, take a vacation and literally lock yourself up. It might be the only way.

 

 

Arc

   

[Inliytened1]

@Arcangelo nice job on 8 yrs man congrats.  I don't like the term alcoholic the way they use it in AA because it tends to have the connotation of the person being broken.  These are addictive substances.

But yeah - the longer you stay away from it the less you obsess about it.  When you stop caring or thinking about it then it has no meaning.   

@Forrest Adkins it seems in your case you seem to be around it on weekends and then you are like fuck it..it is fun and feels euphoric.  I don't get the impression you obsess about it during the week.  But yet in that moment when you are presented the opportunity - you stop thinking about the potential ramifications or the guilt you will feel afterwards.  You are feeling good in the moment so you aren't able to see it.  So for now as @Nak Khid stated - stay away from these situations until you really have no desire for it anymore to the point where if you got into those situations you could easily say no thanks.

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

Do a serious psychedelic trip, high enough dose to give you a deep experience, not crazy high, with a responsible trip sitter in a controlled environment. Or better yet go to a clinic that administers them. This has the potential to scare you straight out of your addiction (maybe in the most loving or beautiful way) where you realize the completeness of yourself and your cravings cease. 

[Inliytened1]

2 minutes ago, TrynaBeTurquoise said:

Do a serious psychedelic trip, high enough dose to give you a deep experience, not crazy high, with a responsible trip sitter in a controlled environment. Or better yet go to a clinic that administers them. This has the potential to scare you straight out of your addiction (maybe in the most loving or beautiful way) where you realize the completeness of yourself and your cravings cease. 

Yes studies show that they can help addiction, depression, etc...excellent input.  

[Arcangelo]

I am 100% broken. It is very dangerous for me to think that i am not broken.

I agree with the serious psychedelic trip. I recommend Xanga-DMT

 

Arc

Edited November 10, 2019 by Arcangelo

[Forrest Adkins]

@Inliytened1 This is spot on. Its not really an addiction because I have very little cravings usually. Its just a problem of impulsiveness on weak moments on the weekend. Like you said all the guilt and suffering is blended out and I just want to let loose and have fun. I also noticed when I feel depressed I have no desire to do drugs to make me feel better or anything, its more like the opposite, when Im on the weekend and I feel great and motivated is when I become weak and give in.

[Inliytened1]

@Forrest Adkins try to stay mindful enough that if you are in that situation you have the consciousness to say no.  You will feel a lot better about yourself after.   And if you give in and say yes really contemplate why you said yes.   You might have the realizaton that is isn't worth it going forward. 

[Forrest Adkins]

@Inliytened1 Thats what I ask myself all the time. Why did I say yes? I would have said no 1 hour before, I would have probably said no 1 hour later. Why the fuck did I say yes even though I was 100% sure "not today" just hours before? Its like something takes over your mind and its scary as hell. I even think it was easier to say no before I started obsessing over it.

Like the more I forbid it myself the more my mind is drawn to it. 

[Inliytened1]

1 hour ago, Forrest Adkins said:

@Inliytened1  Its like something takes over your mind and its scary as hell. 

As i said - i know the feeling exactly