My boyfriend shames me

[ajasatya]

@Preety_India Don't forget that your ex NEEDS this suffering. As strange as it sounds, it's good for his heart. Maybe it will crack open? Well, that's a possibility.

If you get back to him, you will be delaying his maturation process. So it's not only about you.

[Preety_India]

@remember I don't know how his mind works now. Also he is more busy now than before which is an advantage to him. I was sick of his narcissism. And I'm glad I'm out. This was the right way to end it. I don't regret the relationship overall but towards the end it was getting worse. So it was best for both of us to bury it. 

It does show frequent changes in his behavior which is a symptom of his bipolar condition and he has to be on meds to control his mood swings. I was still supportive of him for as long as I could be but I have limits to how much I can take and maybe he realized that. I wish him the best and all the good in the world. 

I'm glad that  I'm free from a dysfunctional unhealthy relationship and I can now focus on growth. 

I have no contact with him now since the breakup which is the only way to completely forget him and not allow him to contact me back because he can get very persuasive. 

The first month will be difficult but eventually me and him both will let go of the need to reconnect and everything will fall in place. 

Thanks for the kind words and support 

 

Edited November 13, 2019 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@ajasatya

9 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

@Preety_India Don't forget that your ex NEEDS this suffering. As strange as it sounds, it's good for his heart. Maybe it will crack open? Well, that's a possibility.

If you get back to him, you will be delaying his maturation process. So it's not only about you.

Yep. I care about him. Yes it's about him also. I want him to grow out of his dysfunction and find peace in his life 

[CreamCat]

9 hours ago, zambize said:

With all due respect he ain't an alpha.  If there is such thing as an alpha, he doesnt need to flex on his girlfriend and put her down constantly.

Or, he could be an alpha psychopath/sociopath. Psychopaths do that without feeling insecure.

Edited November 13, 2019 by CreamCat

[Preety_India]

59 minutes ago, CreamCat said:

Or, he could be an alpha psychopath/sociopath. Psychopaths do that without feeling insecure.

It's ok let go. He is not a psychopath.. He is an alpha narcissist who can't control himself. 

But he is not a criminal or a psychopath/sociopath. He is also a human struggling with his flaws and problems. Too bad that he couldn't see his flaws. Maybe the breakup will bring an awakening in him. 

And I'm no Saint. I have my own flaws and immaturities. Everyone has. 

I pray for his recovery 

I have learned to forgive him. Leaving was the best for both of us. Because in an argument both suffer. 

I cannot downplay his suffering. I don't know what he is going through. So it's best for me to not judge him 

I don't wish harm on him. I wish him peace and understanding and growth. 

As per me, I need to find peace myself and not bank on people who are leaching me dry.. That won't help

I believe deep down we are all capable of spiritual growth if we put some more work. 

I started this thread to seek help and advice regarding the nature of the relationship and the behavior of my partner and whether it would be best to leave him or not. The responses here were greatly helpful in making me understand the gravity of the abuse and the dangers ahead if I had married him, it cleared up a lot of my fears and doubts and confusion I had been having for a really long time and obviously I couldn't ask my boyfriend if it was right/wrong to leave so I had to seek outside help which I did here, and the responses fully resolved my mental conflict and convinced me that  I needed to get out before it was too late. 

I didn't want the thread to be a continuous trashing of his character. He can't defend himself here. So please respect that. 

I have broken up and moved on and thanks for all the suggestions, advice and support. It was overwhelming helpful in my final decision making. 

Sorry for my tangential tone and I mean no offense to anyone. I don't mean to hurt. 

Have a great day!! 

Edited November 13, 2019 by Preety_India

[remember]

there is one funny moment in the audience where a woman looks with some disbelief how the guy next to her is dancing.

Edited November 13, 2019 by remember

[Preety_India]

@remember

Dancing gets more amusing if you drink this before you hit the floor

 

[remember]

@Preety_India hahaha, actually lately i like dancing the most on my own hormones and endorphines, dancing alone is like this - and it`s pretty interesting how most guys are not really attractive to my eyes and ears anymore without having enough alcohol in my blood. i`m going for the dance usually, and a little bit for the socializing. if i meet people then, i usually go with a good feeling. but in some clubs i would not go without a group, especially while drinking, because the guys are usually too intrusive. if you go partying a lot with your girl gang you probably know how that works.

maybe dancing is a good idea, some people say hair cuts... but dancing might be the better option

[Preety_India]

@remember oops sorry I thought you were a male up until now. 

You go gal. 

[remember]

[Preety_India]

[Preety_India]

A different kind of dance 

 

[Key Elements]

@Preety_India the thing with dating and intimate relationships is, in the beginning, ppl usually put their best foot forward. See, the couple go on dates in nice restaurants. They are well dressed when this happens. They pick the best places to hang out. They give each other gifts. This continues for a while. Maybe it continues for a long stretch of time. The true colours are suppressed. If you dive into an intimate relationship on the surface level, there is a chance that it may not work.

Actually knowing the other person authentically is complex. However, the first step is to be authentic. This is the problem. See, not showing the "flaws" in general is a good thing. If you do, you could get judged in the wrong ways. I gave an example toward the beginning of the thread.

[Preety_India]

@Key Elements exactly. That's a huge problem. Therefore I didn't marry right away. That would have been a massive risk. 

Dating is impossible if people use masks. 

I have altogether given up on dating because it's too hard to know a person's personal side, there is a lot of mistrust out there, people do communicate a lot but fear intimacy and attachment, nobody really wants someone in their bedroom, chat sites are flooded with people wanting to chat but real intimacy and love are rapidly on the decline..  

And getting too intimate too quick is dangerous. Because you give your heart mind and body to the person and they can easily play mind games with you. It gets stressful when they act like nothing happened and like a relationship is not a huge deal. For an emotional person like me this can be harrowing. 

So it's very important to know what you are getting into and what's waiting for you. 

And a lot of people don't want to be simple and authentic anymore. Decency is a rare breed. 

People want social media and quick hookups but nobody is truly understanding the meaning of a bond. Plus the rise in crime means credibility is on a huge decline .. 

 

 

[Key Elements]

@Preety_India I know that you're going through a lot right now. And, you're doing great! Keep up the great work.

I'm just saying this for, perhaps, the near future. I just want to say that you may want to look at this from at least two sides. Becoming a NRI through the help of your friends and family is probably not the same as becoming a NRI by yourself. I just want you to think about this in baby steps first. Networking in Hyderabad is probably not the same as networking in CA, U.S. If you want to come to the U.S. next year, you may stay for a while, right? You may want to have the opportunity to network in India first in your area. India is rapidly changing. If you network there first, and then come to the U.S. to network, and then go back to network, you will see and can compare the changes. I think if you do this, it's a priceless lesson.

[Preety_India]

@Key Elements awesome

[Key Elements]

On 11/13/2019 at 7:27 AM, Preety_India said:

@Key Elements exactly. That's a huge problem. Therefore I didn't marry right away. That would have been a massive risk. 

Dating is impossible if people use masks. 

I have altogether given up on dating because it's too hard to know a person's personal side, there is a lot of mistrust out there, people do communicate a lot but fear intimacy and attachment, nobody really wants someone in their bedroom, chat sites are flooded with people wanting to chat but real intimacy and love are rapidly on the decline..  

And getting too intimate too quick is dangerous. Because you give your heart mind and body to the person and they can easily play mind games with you. It gets stressful when they act like nothing happened and like a relationship is not a huge deal. For an emotional person like me this can be harrowing. 

So it's very important to know what you are getting into and what's waiting for you. 

And a lot of people don't want to be simple and authentic anymore. Decency is a rare breed. 

People want social media and quick hookups but nobody is truly understanding the meaning of a bond. Plus the rise in crime means credibility is on a huge decline .. 

Great points. There is something here that's  probably been said many times, but I don't really understand why guys (or even gals, maybe...?) put themselves through it, repeatedly. Maybe, they are unaware. This is probably the reason. They have needs, and subconsciously, they just want to get their sexual needs and other needs met. So, desperately, they go on internet groups/chats, looking for the answers. Other guys, "the so-called gurus," who claim that they know the answers, tell them to "try to get laid with 10-20 gals first." Along the way, they ruin gals who are actually looking for real relationships.

Then, they spend a whole lot of time on this being stuck and seeing life pass by them. And, I'm not even talking about narcissists. Why does this happen? Because healthy bonds have healthy boundaries. Telling a guy to get laid first with 10-20 gals isn't a boundary. There are no boundaries here. See? Almost no one talks about healthy boundaries. If a healthy boundary is even heard, it's passed off as "traditional" or "1950s era" or "archaic" or something along those lines, or even worse "slum dweller."

[Preety_India]

19 minutes ago, Key Elements said:

Great points. There is something here that's  probably been said many times, but I don't really understand why guys (or even gals, maybe...?) put themselves through it, repeatedly. Maybe, they are unaware. This is probably the reason. They have needs, and subconsciously, they just want to get their sexual needs and other needs met. So, desperately, they go on internet groups/chats, looking for the answers. Other guys, "the so-called gurus," who claim that they know the answers, tell them to "try to get laid with 10-20 gals first." Along the way, they ruin gals who are actually looking for real relationships.

Then, they spend a whole lot of time on this being stuck and seeing life pass by them. And, I'm not even talking about narcissists. Why does this happen? Because healthy bonds have healthy boundaries. Telling a guy to get laid first with 10-20 gals isn't a boundary. There are no boundaries here. See? Almost no one talks about healthy boundaries. If a healthy boundary is even heard, it's passed off as "traditional" or "1950s era" or "archaic" or something along those lines, or even worse "slum dweller."

I wholeheartedly agree. We live in a pick up culture. It's horrible. A guy should not be an okay signal to play with a girls emotions. 

What if we told women that they can sleep with 100 different men and break their hearts just for the sake of practice and experience. Would men be okay being treated like a toy ?

Where is tradition? Where is culture? Where are values ? 

And c'mon,let's be honest, even if men wanted to sleep with women to get better at the Attraction game, is a man ever going to be honest with a woman and say, "hey girl, I want this relationship only because I want you as a practice girl."  A man will first try to draw her in, attract her, make her fall in love with him and when his game is over, abandon her like it was nothing to him. Does he realize that if this behavior was repeated by all men, women will grow to hate and resent men for having played with their emotions. I mean being honest is better if the intention of commitment doesn't exist. 

If a woman sets a boundary she is considered stuck up. If a man sets a boundary other men will tease him as weak or incompetent or even worse, they will call him "gay" 

 

We live in an upside down world. Where real values have taken a backseat and desires are supreme!!

[Key Elements]

@Mikael89 that's not what I said.

[Forestluv]

2 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

Sleeping with 20 women (or men) doesn't mean that 20 women (or men) will get a broken heart. Where have you got that idea from? People have happy one night stands and stuff all the time.

You are seeing this from a male perspective and missing the point. It is culturally acceptable for a young male to engage in pick-up, practice having sex with women and gain experience. Consider the impact of this on women from the woman's perspective. . .

It is an erroneous extrapolation to say "Men and women have one night stands all the time. They have fun and no one gets broken-hearted". This is an immature male perspective that avoids looking at the impact asymmetric gender/sex dynamics have on women.