My boyfriend shames me

[DrewNows]

this all sounds like silly games used to perpetuate self suffering

 @CreamCat @Mikael89 please stay on topic, thanks.  
 

[Eph75]

When down the other part of your life should be there to pick you up, not the other way around. The other should give energy, not take energy. Somtimes you can change this dynamics through hard work and communication. But to do so, both have to put in the work. Constantly. A relationship is work. How you describe it sounds more as if he makes sure to keep the existing power dynamics where you are weak and he is strong. His strong is not strength, it is weakness in disguise.

You need to turn to yourself and see where you can find your strength, it is in there with you, you just need to turn to it and turn away from whatever hold he has over you. Reason with your strength independent of his influence. Is this what you want? Do you genuinely feel that you can turn this around? Use your strength and do. 

In the end EVERYONE should be respected. What about your self-respect? If you were a friend of yours, what advice would you give your friend? Step out of your own shoes and try observe objectivly. 

Love yourself and make a decision that you can love yourself for having done. 

Edited November 11, 2019 by Eph75

[Lubomir]

@Preety_India I feel like you opened up a lot more now

I sincerely don't think that what @Leo Gura said is necessary true (I mean about your counsciousnes). I think that you need to work on your boundaries. I had the same problem lately. You need to recognize when things starting to not being pleasant/hurt you so you can act right away and don't allow them to happen again.

But ye, I'm also adding - Run away from this vampire!

Edited November 11, 2019 by Lubomir

[Eph75]

@Lubomir Yes, that's where emotions come into play. Anger as an emotion is there for one reason and that's to manage outer boundaries (fight-or-flight) so that your - @Preety_India  - personal "space"; self-esteem, self-worth etc isn't invaded and/or shrunk. At the same time shame is there to set your inner boundaries.

Anger and shame should be respected in a healthy way in order to maintain your self-esteem. Downplaying your anger will cause others to invade your "space" and up-playing shame will cause you yourself to further shrink your own "space". We can't feel good about ourselves when this happens. Essentially, that's just what low self-esteem is, not seeing your own right to your "space" and hence you will develop a low self-worth as other peoples "space" yield a higher worth than yours.

In this cause he is obviously making your smaller than you should be, playing on your self-esteem. The reason is simply that you let him do that. And you seem to have a hard time to stand up for yourself in a reasonable way. So that's probably a good place to start contemplation.

Edited November 11, 2019 by Eph75

[remember]

@Preety_India  if there was anything you don`t know yet we could tell you, we would! but you already know - the same that drew you in is now hurting you and you can`t discern between the two, because he carries two faces. he will not loose the one that`s hurting you, not by his will, he thinks it`s righteous, it seems like in his case it`s not a mask. you need to find out if you can live with that, how long can you play that game until he will have completely made you unhappy? or are you already? how much can you take?

are you two living together? any family pressure involved? if yes i would first try to figure out how to solve these, try to work on the separation realistically.

Edited November 11, 2019 by remember

[Preety_India]

@remember  he is a hyper emotional guy so there was that part that drew me in. But he is too self righteous and I think long term he is only going to do more damage to me. I don't see any impact on him of this relationship. It's only me because I don't do the attacking. I'm always supporting him emotionally. 

We aren't living together. But we have plans to get married in a few months. But I want to keep marriage on hold because the state of the relationship is not very pleasant for me to go ahead with marriage. 

I'm already unhappy in the relationship because I don't think he plans to change. And he does whatever suits his needs. 

He does want me to get married to him and he has been pressing me for that for quite some time now. But I'm worried about our future together. 

Whenever I want to have a frank conversation with him, he usually quits by saying that he is busy and he has things to care of. So I'm mostly ignored. 

I don't see myself happily married to him in the future. It seems like his needs are supreme and I won't have any space left in the relationship. Every conversation is always about him and his issues and needs. 

He is a bit alpha and he does seem to take pride in his looks and achievements. But he is also emotional and sensitive, but not sensitive enough to give air to my concerns. 

He tells me how easily he can get any woman he wants. But I fell in love with him not for his looks or his alpha nature but because he shared similar childhood trauma as me. So we connected through our deeper problems. He does seem to be kind at times and was supportive when I was going through a rough time with my family. But he is also egotistical and flips out a lot which gets very unbearable. 

So if I do get married to him, I see myself as a supportive doormat wife who has to do whatever he says and be by his side completely neglecting my own needs for affection, love and support. 

I have my own ego. I want a life for myself where I can have my own space. 

Like last week he told me how I should not read certain books or not watch a movie or video. In the past if I had male friends he would get angry so I cut off all male friends from my life to make him feel more secure. 

It seems like my life needs to be tailored to his needs and he easily gets upset if I'm not available to offer him support whenever he needs. 

He does randomly beat the shit out of people if he gets angry at them. I mean at least he does talk about how he would love to beat up someone if they gave him a hard time or came at him. 

He has been to jail for threatening to kill a guy who he had a fight with. But he told me that it was a false arrest. That he never meant to do it and that guy lied and got him in trouble. 

He tells me how other men envy him and that he can do way better than most. 

 

He tells me that I'm not very smart. But he loves my kindness. But I'm getting a bit used to his taunts and it gets old. 

I don't see myself in the role of his wife, his ego is huge and my emotional nature is fragile. I would have desperately wanted to be his wife because we shared a wonderful sexual and romantic chemistry. We were like lovebirds inseparable at least for some time. 

But now the romance has faded. Part of my weight gain was because he taunted me so much and constantly made me insecure by telling me he will end the relationship during every argument. That messed me emotionally. Because I'm sensitive and loyal and his words are quite harsh. I get despondent at the mention of a breakup. 

Any disagreement even the slightest and he flies into a rage or heckling me till I succumb and cave in and finally agree. 

I disappeared for 10 days and he tracked  me somehow through his friends and he was absolutely furious. This was after his jail because I wasn't able to handle his jail arrest. He told me that I had betrayed him by abruptly disappearing but that wasn't the case, I was just mentally messed up and anxious. He was so furious that he slammed his wrist on a table and went on an incoherent loud verbal rant declaring his love for me. I was scared for his life, that he might do some self-harm so I went back to him. He used that incident a lot against me. 

His anger seems to have dissipated after he was evicted many times wherever he rented. He is now learning to not let the anger get the better of him. 

But I do have my inner doubts especially about his manic anger issues. He might lock me out of the house, I don't know, I can't be sure what he might do in the future. But he does promise that he will never hurt me. 

If I decide and go ahead and marry him, it will be like taking a bet on my life. Because I should be fully prepared to face any consequences, even life threatening. That's what bugs me. 

I'm not willing to put my life at stake in the name of love. I'm a spiritual person. I'm forgiving. I have a big heart. But would I deserve to suffer so much just because I decided to give him my all. 

When he threatened me with jail, I got very anxious about our future together. These are not things you say in fun or just to hurt the person during an argument. Such statements can be serious. 

I didn't do anything criminal in my life to deserve jail time. He said it to get at me.. 

During one time he sent me a note of my picture with "go kill yourself" scribbled on it. And laughed about it later. 

If I want to forgive i can forgive everything. But the question is how much is too much. 

These days the constant worry in my head is, what if he writes up a false report on me and gets me in jail just to get at me and make me suffer. I brought up my concerns to him and he said he would never do it. I can never know when he is serious and when he is joking. 

In a nutshell my fears are legitimate. He has guilted me often back into the relationship. So I have to justify breaking up with him because I get guilty every time I decide to leave. 

I don't think it's healthy. The love and romance is brilliant and his affection and attachment is enticing and comforting but is all the risk worth it. 

I just want a peaceful life not some romantic adventure. So I really want to think things through. 

 

[Leo Gura]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

But he does promise that he will never hurt me. 

If someone says that to you, run away while you can.

Such reassurances don't need to be made in healthy relationships.

Your descriptions of him are getting more and more toxic and dysfunctional. There is no way this will work, so don't feel bad, you're not really surrendering anything workable by leaving. You are simply accepting that this is unworkable.

You will save yourself years of suffering and dysfunction by leaving now. Such a guy can drag down your entire life. So treat this rationally. Don't let your feelings for him cloud your wisdom.

Frankly, why are you settling for this shit? It's like you go to a nice restuarant, they serve you a turd, and you persist in eating it. Stand up and walk out.

[Eph75]

39 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Frankly, why are you settling for this shit? It's like you go to a nice restuarant, they serve you a turd, and you persist in eating it. Stand up and walk out.

This.

After that, start working on yourself.

[ajasatya]

@Preety_India You have more than enough material on this thread to ground your choice. It's up to you. Good luck.

[Preety_India]

14 minutes ago, modmyth said:

 

 

Are you conditioned to react this way, to be understanding and kind toward someone who disregards you in this way? Is it a gender/ cultural thing, to some degree?

I think I am more sensitive and empathetic. But it usually winds me up with people who drain me with their needs. I need to focus more on self care. It's not a cultural thing, it's only me looking for love and not realizing that it can be a big trap. 

I get attached really quick and then it's difficult to let go. But experience is a great teacher. So I think I will eventually learn to be able to feel emotionally strong and independent and resilient enough to cough out a "no" and not feel guilty for that. 

A part of my psychology that I'm dealing with is the fear of offending someone which is huge. I am working on that part where I can freely offend someone when I feel they are encroaching my space. 

I was raised in a strict catholic school where the first thing I was taught was to receive everyone with grace and be very kind and helpful and never hurt. But the disadvantages of kind behavior are overlooked a lot. 

He played a lot on my sympathetic side. I'm aware of that. 

Another part of my psychology is that I was conditioned to believe that anything related to self care is selfish. 

My ex used to do that a lot. If I told him that I had to eat or sleep, he would say that I'm being selfish which is crazy. 

But it's time for me to start out on a clean slate and make up for all the emotional loss. 

I need to break the unhealthy relationship and not get into anymore relationships until they are really healthy and help with my physical and spiritual growth. 

Like Leo said, I shouldn't allow my feelings to cloud my wisdom and better be single than be in dead end relationship. 

I think they say that you should swallow your pride if you want to ask for help, in a similar way I need to learn to swallow guilt in order to carve a new path for myself. 

If he feels that I let him down or disappointed him like he always says, I think I should not worry what he thinks and maybe start worrying a little more about myself. I am human too and my needs are also important whether he gets it or not. 

 

[Lubomir]

@Preety_India This is some serious shit over here now. You're opening more and more about him.

All the respect for you that you did not do something stupid to yourself because of his behavior. Well, except one thing, that you are still with him.

Don't even think about it and leave him. If you're scared of him stalking you or even worse, go to police or tell your friends and family atleast.

I don't know about the situation in your country and cultural things, but if you can, get away from him ASAP.

[Preety_India]

9 hours ago, CreamCat said:

 

9 hours ago, CreamCat said:

Obviously, he's too hot to just dump. Otherwise, she wouldn't have endured an asshole.

 

9 hours ago, Mikael89 said:

No, it's that he's a abusive alpha male badboy asshole. Most girls wants a man like that. At least he doesn't beat her, yet.

 

 

It's not that an alpha male is an automatically bad man just because he is alpha. That's a myth. Maybe this myth helps beta males feel better. 

My first boyfriend was an alpha male. He was good at almost everything from looks to social status to winning women. You say it he got it. But I broke up with him because there was no affection only sex. He was like a super alpha who didn't care about anything except primal needs. But that didn't help me at all. Wasn't helping my growth. So I had to let him go. 

My next boyfriend was a beta male and I know maybe you hate to hear this but this was my most awful relationship because he was good in the beginning at impressing me and he was not aggressive but I had nothing to learn from him. It was like dating a statue. He wasn't good looking but it didn't matter to me. Yet his insecurities and I was making more than him in my job, so he resented it and was jealous that my social status was above his and that caused him to vehemently take covert swipes at me and show passive aggression. His constant victim mentality got too much to the point that it turned hostile and merciless and he would just keep lamenting and bugging me. Full on harassment. He didn't threaten me but his own fear, jealousy and insecurity that I might do better than him caused him to act distant and testy with me. I gave up and broke up with him because there was no point. He lacked confidence which means he never had the power to talk about family, marriage or living together or making things happen. Always evasive, running away from shit like a pussy. I wasn't proud. I couldn't get his cooperation to start a family.. At last he bailed out because he couldn't get anything done. He insecurity meant he had to disagree just to disagree. I left him. 

My current boyfriend is also an alpha but way better than the first alpha boyfriend I had. Because I learned almost everything from this guy. He taught me so much, from politics to religion to social dynamics, not that I can't learn on my own, but his audacity helped me overcome my weaknesses. He was like a pillar during my tough times. He is obviously good looking, 10 out of 10 on looks, love and romance. I didn't love him just like that. A relationship is not always all bad, although it does get toxic. But I emerged a matured woman in this relationship more than any other I had before. I learned nothing with the beta guy, absolute zero and it wasn't motivating in any way, in fact it was demoralizing. 

When I was suicidal my boyfriend was the only one who yanked me out of it with his motivational talk and he punished me when I did wrong, in a way he disciplined and grounded me because that toughness is necessary to be serious in life. I didn't love him just for his looks or power, but also for being determined and giving me the strength and discipline when I needed it. 

Alpha males are good as long as they are good, especially when they are balanced and not abusive. The only bad part is when they get abusive. 

Not all alpha males are abusive. But they sure as heck have huge amount of self confidence and dependability that a woman can rely on. Plus they are not afraid to commit to marriage. They are more than ready to face challenges of life. 

I saw my boyfriend going through a lot of challenges in life, things I cannot imagine going through, but seeing him fight it out gave me the motivation that my struggles are nothing compared to his. He has the downside of being abusive and so I will have to leave him eventually. 

Men who are insecure and lacking in confidence can be extremely difficult to deal with. Not only they lack in looks, power, confidence, they try to compensate their lack by constantly dragging the woman down rather than motivating them using covert passive strategies. 

Been there done that. 

A healthy guy is a combination of an alpha male and some balance and sensitivity. And no abuse. 

 

 

 

In the end I will go for an alpha male or remain single. 

 

 

 

Edited November 11, 2019 by Preety_India

[Forestluv]

It may seem hard to leave him now, yet it will get much harder if you marry him. Hw would have greater power and control and getting divorced will be much harder and require greater resources - mental, emotional and financial. 
 

You mentioned you’ve tried to break up and were unable to. I would seek support if possible - a friend, family or a psychologist/counselor. Someone who gives you support in the healthiest way to break up. 

After gaining some distance, I would do sone introspection into why I attracted such a person and why I stayed involved. I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist/bpd and discovered there was a lot going on in me that caused me to get involved and participate in an unhealthy relationship. 

[Preety_India]

@Serotoninluv you are right about it. He is that narct/bpd. And I will get help in breaking up 

[CreamCat]

30 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

It's not that an alpha male is an automatically bad man just because he is alpha. That's a myth. Maybe this myth helps beta males feel better. 

I know good alpha males who have good intentions for humanity. I don't believe that alpha males are assholes. I want you to date whom you are attracted to.

It can be difficult to break up with an abusive but attractive man which is a common trap women fall into.

30 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

he was not aggressive but I had nothing to learn from him.

Are you attracted to intellect?

Edited November 11, 2019 by CreamCat

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, CreamCat said:

 

Are you attracted to intellect?

Yep. And self confidence and strength/courage. Looks are a bonus but not necessary. 

 

[CreamCat]

I understand where you come from.

Regardless of sex, letting go of an attractive but defective product/person can be difficult at times.

Practice letting go.

Edited November 11, 2019 by CreamCat

[Preety_India]

@CreamCat you are right. 

[CreamCat]

50 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist/bpd and discovered there was a lot going on in me that caused me to get involved and participate in an unhealthy relationship.

Hot women with mental issues are common traps for men, too. Or, were you specifically attracted to narcissism or bpd?

Edited November 11, 2019 by CreamCat

[Key Elements]

@Preety_India I was just wondering if you've ever thought of it this way before. Have you considered becoming a NRI and getting to know NRIs gradually? From what I know, there is a difference between being local and being NRI, and of course, it goes beyond that. I noticed that even life experiences cannot be passed on through words. (I mean, we're not even talking about non-duality here. ) The individual has to experience it herself and eventually embody it.